You can tell that Cubs fans…nay, the world…doesn’t have much practice in dealing with a good Cubs team. We have one, you know. They play their home games in a quaint little ivy covered ballpark on Addison. But instead of actually trying to enjoy the first “we know it’s coming and it’s going to be good” season in more than 30 years, we’re trying to find reasons why they’re going to disappoint us.

Just stop it. Have a little confidence. If you haven’t noticed, this team can pitch a little, and hit a little. Unless a pothole swallows the team bus on their way from the hotel to the ballpark some day, the Cubs are going to be as good as advertised. Maybe even (gasp!) better.

It’s going to take a little getting used to. But you’re going to have to learn sometime. It might as well be now.

And so, for the first time this season, it’s time for our traditional Cubs rundown.

Only we won’t be running them down. Huh? Never mind.

Sammy!— If Sammy Sosa just decided to pretend that 2003 never happened, that’d be fine by everybody. But then, if he did that, he’d have to forget one of the most electric moments in Cubs history. Game one of the NLCS, Cubs down by two, two outs in the ninth and Sammy puts one onto Waveland to tie the game. Mark Guthrie would cough up the lead two innings later, but for one magical moment, Sammy was the clutchest guy on the planet. That’s got to be worth something. A week later he scored what should have been the pennant winning run in game six. But there’s no reason to get into that again. This season Sammy is tucked comfortably in the midst of one of the most promising Cubs offenses since somebody stapled lights to the Wrigley grandstand roofs. He won’t be asked to carry the whole load by himself. Just most of it. He’s got big shoulders, it shouldn’t be a problem.

The Franchise— Aside from making a cute little pun, Mark Prior’s achy Achilles’ tendon has managed to make everybody a conspiracy theorist. Fiveheaded radio wonks are accusing the Cubs of lying about his injury, claiming he really is having elbow problems. Others insist that he’s going to rupture his Achilles’ and land in a big pile in between the mound and home plate sometime this year. The reality seems to be that he’s got a sore foot and that it’s getting better and that once it’s healed he can get back to throwing and get back to the team where he belongs. But that’s not enough of a story. In the meantime, the Cubs have some other guys who throw a pretty mean fastball or two. All Mark has to do is make sure he’s ready to go when he’s ready to go.

Kerry Wood— He’s 1-0 with a horrendous 7.20 ERA after one start, and it’s obvious he’s a complete bust. Right? Whatever. Kerry’s start in Cincinnati last year was pretty atypical of the kind he usually wins. He didn’t have his best stuff. He needed to get some double play grounders to get out of jams. He fought his control and instead of walking the ballpark, he reigned it in. We all know that when Kerry’s “on” nobody hits him. But when he’s “off” it’s an adventure. He was off yesterday and still managed to hold the lead. Then, the bullpen did something it never does for him, it saved the day. Given his strong spring, it looks like Kerry will be “on” this year more than he ever has in the past. That’s not good news if you’re a National Leaguer who makes his living swinging a bat.

Corey Patterson— There was a time last year (pretty much March 31 through July 6) where it was obvious to anybody with a working eyeball that the Cubs best player was a little guy who hung out in centerfield. Even the skeptics among us couldn’t help but marvel at his unique combination of speed and power and while we waited for him to go through a prolonged slump at the plate, it never happened. Then, he blew out his knee trying to avoid a diving Tino Martinez (and trying to get away from the reeking mess that is Steve Kline’s hat), and we spent the winter wondering if it was all a mirage. Corey still won’t walk enough to suit anybody, but he’s learned to hit lefties, he’s learned to crush mistakes and any time he hits a ball between outfielders it’s got triple written all over it. He is not ideally suited to the number spot in the order, but he thrived hitting in front of Sammy last year and there’s no reason to believe it won’t happen again this year. He’s good, he’s young and he’s getting better. What’s not to like?

Moises Alou— Is he ageless? Hell, no. But Moises can still turn around anybody’s fastball, and if you throw a baseball with your left hand, you have very little chance of getting him out. The fear is that he has another “good” though not great season and Dusty is able to convince Jim Hendry to bring him back. However, another “good” year is just the kind of thing that will make the Cubs tough to catch. Moises is benevolent, too, he has offered to autograph Steve Bartman’s head…with a rusty butter knife. What a guy!

E-ramis Ramirez— Thanks to one of the most ludicrous contracts in sports history, E-ramis is not a free agent next year. Think about this, the Pirates smartly wanted to lock him up long term after he had an incredible year at age 22. That year he hit .300 with 34 homers and 116 RBI. But the Pirates’ contract didn’t buy out his arbitration years, just his cheap service time years when you can pay a guy whatever you want. That turned out to be great news for the Cubs, because the Pirates knew they had to unload him. He’s 25 and his ninth homer this year will give him 100 for his career. Not bad. Dusty considers him a “clutch” RBI man, whatever that is, and will hit him fifth, in between Moises and the new guy at first base. Another 30 homer, 100 RBI season seems all but inevitable. Why the Cubs haven’t had one of those at third base since…1965. Yikes.

Derrek Lee— Speaking of the new guy at first base, it’s Derrek Lee. Last seen waking up from his postseason slump just in time to tie up game six and put the Marlins ahead in game seven, Lee is the most talented Cubs first baseman since…we don’t even want to go there. It’s been a long time and lots of things have been invented since then (computers, indoor plumbing, fire, the wheel…) Lee is a gold glove first baseman, with good power, good speed and he’s freakin’ huge! He’s like 7’9 or something. E-ramis couldn’t throw one over his head if he tried (and he will). Jim Hendry wanted our old pal Hee Seop Choi to settle in at first base for the next decade, but instead he traded him for Lee, who is already proven and only three years older. Lee’s going to love it in Wrigley, because the outfield fence is nice and close in all of the spots that he likes to hit the ball to. This the perfect marriage of a ballpark and a hitter. It’s going to be fun to watch.

Alex Gonzalez— He’s hard to hate because he always looks like he’s trying so hard, but the facts are the facts. He’s never hit better than .253 in a full-season and he’s put together four years where he has hit less than .240. He’s a solid, but unspectacular defensive shortstop with dubious range. The Cubs traded Felix Heredia for him, so it’s hard to think that was a mistake, but running him out there for a third season seems folly. Who else could they use there? Perhaps a cardboard cut out of Mark Belanger would do the trick?

Mark Grudzielanek— Just like last year he tanked in spring training, only to get three hits on opening day. He also reminded us…twice…how good he is hanging in at second and turning the double play. Maybe the real reason that Dusty likes him at second is because you know what you’re going to get out of Gruddy. He’s going to hit around .300, he’s not going to light the world on fire getting on base, but he’ll make all the plays at second. There’s a lot to be said for having a guy you can count on. The Cubs are counting on Gruddy.

Todd Walker— Walker’s a far superior hitter to Gruddy because Todd actually knows how to take a walk. Dusty has dreamed up a super sub role for Walker in which Todd will play some at second, in left, at first, and according to our sources, Walker will get some time at shooting guard for the Bulls. Walker owns the single season playoff homer record in Boston, because he hit five last year. That’s impressive. He’s going to come in handy…several times this year. Just watch.

Michael Barrett— It could be that Michael has embarrassing photos of Jim Hendry and Dick Pole, or it could be that his two biggest backers just see more talent there than anybody else. Whatever, Barrett was the 2004 reason why the Cubs didn’t sign Ivan Rodriguez (the 2003 reason was Damian Miller, so beware). The fear is that trying to catch a staff that’s impossible to catch will beat him down so badly that he doesn’t get a hit after June 14. But Kerry Wood says he calls a good game, so we’ll believe that for now. Just consider us skeptical.

Paul Bako— Paul Bako stinks.

Todd Hollandsworth— If not for whatever is growing out of The Farns’ cap, Todd would have the worst hair on the team. (It helps that Juan Cruz is gone, too.) He’s a useful fourth outfielder, but not a guy you want playing every day. So this means Moises isn’t allowed to spend any time on the DL. You hear me, Moises?

Ramon Martinez— Another guy who is useful in a limited role. Ramon won’t kill you in the field, though he has terrible range at short, and he can hit a little. But he can’t hit a lot, so we don’t him to bat a lot.

Tom Goodwin— He’s fast. That’s about all I can say about Goody. That, and I hope he spends a lot of time in a very comfortable spot on the bench.

Greggie!— His return becomes official tomorrow night in Cincinnati, and it couldn’t happen at a better time. Given the temporary loss of The Franchise, who better than the original franchise, the one that got away, to pick up the slack? Maddux may only be a six inning pitcher these days, but they’re six good innings. Right?

Matt Clement— Last seen winning game four of the NLCS, Clement is easily my most hated of the Cubs starters. I don’t hate him because he stinks, because he doesn’t. But he’s a wuss. He’s never met a jam he can’t solve by staring at the bullpen and hoping somebody’s warming up so they can come in and save his ass. If he ever sacks it up for an entire season, he’ll win 18 games. Now would be a nice time for that.

Carlos Zambrano— Carlos is the opposite of Clement. Carlos’ balls are so big he can hardly walk. Here’s a guy who never met a jam he didn’t think he could just fastball his way out of. He’s firey, he’s emotional and he’s awfully good. He’s 23 years old, and frankly, it’s just sick. He was last heard talking to his Achilles’ tendons, saying, “If either of you act up, I will cut you out with a Swiss Army knife.” His Achilles’ don’t dare bother him.

Sergio Meat Tray— I don’t see it. I just don’t. If you told the Cubs pitching prospects to line up from 1-20 in order of talent, Sergio would be sent out for doughnuts while the line sorted itself out. Dusty loves his work ethic and determination. Work ethic and determination get a lot more guys out when coupled with a couple of good pitches. We’ll see. But I’m dubious.

Andy Pratt— The Juan Cruz Career Hostage Crisis ended with Pratt as the lone casualty. He’s a lefty who throws hard and the Cubs think he’s got a chance to be an important part of the bullpen this year and then work his way into the rotation next year. I think he’s a very pale version of the aforementioned Felix Heredia. I have no reason to say that, but I’m saying it anyway. Maybe if I keep this up, I can get a job at the Score.

Kent Mercker— He apparently hurt his back while signing his contract, but he was able to pitch late in the spring and showed no ill effects in his Cubs debut yesterday. So there’s that. He was supposed to be Mike Remlinger’s caddy, but he’s got to play a few rounds while Remlinger’s shoulder nits back together. Yikes.

Mike Wuertz— If Wuertz is a flop, I’ve got a million “he’s the wuerst pitcher ever” jokes. I can use. But Wuertz was good in the bullpen at Iowa last year after they gave up on him as a starter and he got everybody out in the spring. So let’s see what happens here. The Cubs know good arms and they think he’s got one.

Todd Wellemeyer— You know, if Dusty keeps trusting young guys like Wuertz and Wellemeyer and Pratt, he might just shake that label he has as a guy who won’t use young players. Dusty probably likes Wellemeyer “too much.” But last year Wellemeyer got off to a great start. He pitched five times between May 15 and 31 and was scoreless in 7.2 innings pitched. Then, he got ten days off (thanks to that pesky “good” starting pitching) and lost whatever edge he had. Over his next 11 innings he gave up 12 earned runs and was off to Iowa. The lesson here…if he gets regular work he’ll be pretty good. If you let him sit…woof.

The Farns— OK, so the hair is bad, we can agree on that. He also is back to the tight pants after a spring of wearing ones that actually fit. But if the Farns can continue to pitch the way he has over the last 13 months, who cares? Who else has a nuclear weapon like The Farns to throw at you in the seventh inning every day?

LaTroy Hawkins— Speaking of nukes, the eighth inning will normally belong to LaTroy. When he comes out of LaBullpen, it’s pretty much over for LaOpponent. He didn’t pitch well in Arizona, but it’s Arizona. Who cares? He’s being paid closer money, so if Regular Joe continues to struggle…I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

Regular Joe Borowski— He’s not throwing very hard (88-80 yesterday), and it’s scaring everybody, but Joe makes a good point. It doesn’t matter if you throw 80 or 100, if you get too much of the fat part of the plate, you’re going to get smoked. But a loss of velocity usually fortells an arm injury. So that’s worrisome. Not so much because the Cubs couldn’t withstand an injury to Joe, but rather because Joe’s a cool guy and we don’t want to see him hurt. See how nice we can be?

Jose Macias— Jose’s on the DL, and really, is there any hurry? I didn’t think so.

Mike Remlinger— Last seen hanging out in the DL lounge with Macias and Prior and eating most of the Chex mix, the Cubs are going to miss Remlinger. But if a healthy one pitches like he did in 2002, it’ll be worth the wait.

Dusty Baker— Those who can’t figure out why Dusty complains whenever a reporter criticizes one of his players don’t get it. That’s what Dusty does. He takes the heat so his players can play. You might get tired of hearing his yapper, but that’s the reason he’s yapping. Plus, he likes the sound of his own voice. So that doesn’t hurt. You have to give him credit. The culture and attitude of the Cubs has changed 180 degrees from last April. They expect to win, and we expect them to win. It’s kidn of nice.

Wavin’ Wendell Kim— This guy’s a catastrophe waiting to happen. How can you be this bad at such an easy job? Sure, every third base coach is going to make a couple of mistakes. But Wendell is the president of the Dumbass Decision Club. Cubs runners should just treat him like Opposite George Costanza. If Wendell sends you home, stop. If he stops you, go. How does a Major League team get a player on third tagged out at home on a single? Hmm? Ask Wendell, he did it yesterday.

Chip Caray— This much we know. This is the final year of Chip’s contract. We also know that WGN didn’t show much confidence in him when they left him out of all of their postseason pre- and post-game shows in October. Even the brilliant Jay Mariotti is repeating rumors that Chippy will hit the skids after the season. I think under normal circumstances that the fans would pressure the Cubs into bringing him back, but I just can’t see where a groundswell of support could possible come from. Even those who don’t hate him like we do, don’t think enough of him to voice their support. He’s bad and he’s not getting better. I’m sure there will be an opening for him in Houston after the season. He can bunk with Beege.

Steve Stone— He’s still good, and much better than most of the crappy analysts out there, but there’s no question that working with Chip makes him a little irritating to listen to. When he was with Pat Hughes during the playoffs last year, they were a very good team. So it’s really not Steve…it’s Chip.

Ron Santo and Pat Hughes— They are what they are…another WGN talk show. They’re the baseball version of Kathy and Judy. When the Cubs were bad, they found other things to talk about, but last year, as the Cubs got good and stayed that way, they rose to the occasion. Let’s hope there’s occasion to stay risen all year.

Finally (mock applause fills the Internet)— The Cubs schedule starts with some patsies, so a struggle isn’t likely, out of the gates. In fact, The Franchise’s return should coincide nicely with the tough games on the schedule. How convienient.