Now that the Cubs mercy killing of Ricky Renteria’s career has been completed, they need to get on with the real business of the offseason. Dumping Edwin Jackson. Am I right? Edwin’s due $11 million each of the next two seasons, and he’s been terrible. So the Cubs need to just toss him to the curb, throw him in the Ron Santo Memorial Enormous Greeting Card and Cake Dumpster that used to be out beyond left field, but with the construction is godknowswhere right now.
Maybe we should be careful what we wish for. Our old friend Karry Ling sat down with one of the prime trade candidates for Edwin.
Desipio, hello, your old friend Karry Ling back from a very long vacation to start a series here on the men the Cubs might try to trade prized albatross Edwin Jackson for. My interview today is with an infielder/outfielder for the Land of Cleve’s Indians, and husband to one of the hottest pieces of ass in all of Hollywood, Nick Swisher.
You probably remember Nick’s dad, Steve. He was a star catcher for the Cubs back in the ’70s. He was an All-Star for the club in 1976 when he hit .236 with five homers and 42 RBI. Wait, that can’t be right. How could you be an All-Star with those kind of numbers. Good god, just how bad were the 1976 Cubs that Steve Swisher was the guy Sparky Anderson had to pick for that team?
Anyway, Steve was actually a draft pick of the White Sox, who got traded to the Cubs with Steve Stone, and later was traded to the Cardinals for Hector Cruz.
I mean, just look at Hector Cruz. Who wouldn’t have wanted this ball of fire?
So anyway, enough about the dad. Let’s bring in Nick Swisher himself!
Nick Swisher – Lawrence, my man! How are you? Great to talk to you. ‘Sup?
Karry Ling – I’m not Larry King. Why do people always ask me that?
Nick – No idea, brosef. You know what? My bad. And you don’t have to call me Nick. Call me Swish, or N-Swi, or N-Swizzle. Whatever you like, dude.
Karry – I’m not going to call you any of those.
Nick- Awesome!
Karry- Can you explain this Bro-hio thing you started with the Indians?
Nick – Not really. Just looked good on a t-shirt, especially with some Aviators. I’m all about the fun, man. That’s why I’m jacked that the Cubbies just picked up Joe Maddon. If this trade goes through, I’m gonna have a great time up there in Chi-town, kickin’ it with J-Madd.
Karry – Don’t call it Chi-town. So, if the Cubs trade Edwin Jackson for you, and the salaries sort of line up, so there’s speculation it could happen, what happens to Bro-hio?
Nick – Oh, I’m all over it. Already got my next t-shirt lined up. Gonna call it Chillin’-ois. Chillin’ oy, get it?
Karry – That’s really, something. Now, you already played in…Chillin’ oy, with the White Sox in 2008 and it was the worst season of your career.
Nick – Nah, man. It was the second-worst. Last year was the worst. I was really bad last year. Horrible, actually.
Karry – So what makes you think it’ll be better the second time around.
Nick – Oh, it’ll be completely different. I’m a much different player now. I’m a lot worse than I was then.
Karry – So why would the Cubs trade for you?
Nick – I have no idea, bro. All I can figure is that my personality seems really fun and energetic, but that it wears on people after a while, and that Tito and the guys in Bro-hio are just so sick of me that they want me gone.
Karry – But that doesn’t explain why the Cubs would want you. Especially since you are mostly a first baseman at this point in your career. You are way too slow to play outfield now.
Nick – I disagree with that. I’m no slower than I ever was. But, really, I’ve never been a good outfielder. I pretty much just stood in right field and hoped the ball would get hit someplace else.
Karry – OK, but with the Cubs, they have Anthony Rizzo at first, and he’s one of the best young players in baseball. Do you think you’d get to play much with the Cubs?
Nick – Oh, hardly at all. But I’m a really great pinch hitter. Even though I’ve played my whole career in the American League, where you hardly ever pinch hit, I’ve been pretty awesome at it. So I can bring that to the team. You can look it up.
Karry – We did.
Nick – Oh.
Karry – Yeah, it’s not good. You have only pinch hit five times in your whole career. You’re oh for five with three strikeouts.
Nick – Yeah, but what about the walks. Walk’s as good as a hit.
Karry – Zero walks. So in this case you walk exactly as well as you hit.
Nick – See! I got that going for me.
Karry – Not really. No.
Nick – OK, but five ABs, man. That’s a small sample size. I’ll probably get five straight pinch hits for the Cubs to start the season and pretty soon I’ll be the second coming of Lenny Harris.
Karry – We saw the first coming of Lenny here. It did not go well.
Nick – What I bring more than anything…well other than the best ‘tude in the M-L-B, and Joanna…
…is postseason experience. And that’s going to be HUGE in Chillin’-ois the next five to ten years, bro.
Karry -Â We looked up your postseason numbers.
Nick – Oh.
Karry – Unlike your wife. It’s not pretty. You’ve played in 12 postseason series, and you are 26 for 158. That’s a .165 average. But to be fair, your on base and slugging…is also shitty. Your OBP is .277 and your slugging is a hilariously awful .297.
Nick – Yeah. But I won a ring, with the Bombers in 2008. Can’t take that away from me.
Karry – Nope. I can’t. You played a huge role in that, too. I’m sure your two hits in 15 at bats are what brought down the Phillies. But what I can’t get is why the Cubs would trade for you when you actually make more money than Edwin the next two years. A total of eight million dollars more?
Nick – Hey, I can’t hurt the team if I don’t play.
Karry – There you have it. Hey, if the trade goes through, and the Cubs hire Ozzie Guillen to coach third base you’ll be reunited with your old Sox manager.
Nick – Oh. You’re kind of killing the buzz here. But you know what, I’m Mr. Positive. I’m still gonna have a great day! Awesome!
Karry – So there you have it. Nick Swisher is pathological. I guess we finally understand why he’d fit in with the Cubs.
