Forgive Greg Maddux if he thought it was 1992 all over again. He gave up only four hits, his right fielder swung wildly at…everything…and he lost. The only thing missing was the bullpen coming in to give up about nine runs after he left.
All last night’s game proved was that a) hitting the leadoff hitter in the groin with a pitch is a bad omen and b) the Cubs aren’t going to the be the 1972 Dolphins.
Although, in the right light, Dick Pole kind of looks like Larry Csonka.
If you didn’t feel a little giddy at your first look at Greg Maddux on the mound, in a Cubs uniform, in a game that mattered, in 12 years, well, I can’t help you. You are forgiven if that giddiness went away after two pitches, but still…
Last year’s Cubs had trouble hitting anybody who didn’t throw 90 miles an hour, and after Monday’s shelling of Cory Lidle, you hoped the 2004 edition was over that. Perhaps not. But if I were Regular Joe I’d have been in the bullpen waving at the press box and yelling “See, he’s throwing 78 miles an hour and they can’t hit him! I can throw waaaaay harder than that!” Then again, if I were Joe Borowski, my warmup jacket would be white and the sleeves would belt together in the back. Not a good look.
It was nice to see Derrek Lee get his first hit as a Cub and avert the shutout, though Sammy met him at the top step of the dugout and said, “Great job, buddy! But perhaps you missed the memo, buddy! Only I get to hit meaningless homers in the ninth inning of losses, buddy!”
Sammy, I kid because I care. You know that.
Right?
The game was lost on two pitches. The one that Junior Griffey hit about 1200 feet to center for a 3-0 lead and the 2-2 slider that Robert Wagner threw into the Reds dugout and Sammy swung at anyway. On his way off the mound, Wagner pointed to the sky and said, “This one’s for you, Natalie!”
Oh, it was Ryan Wagner? Damnit, well I guess I don’t get to use my, “What’s the only kind of wood that doesn’t float” joke.
Moving on…
In about the sixth inning, Chip Caray stopped annoying me. It was a moment of clarity. Suddenly the sound of his bleating didn’t bother me anymore. Then, and only then, did I realize that Dave the cat had sat on the remote and hit the mute button. Alas, Dave began doing that thing where he kneads his paws into the couch and he hit the mute button again. Chip was back, and so was my migrane.
Oops.
The Cubs and Reds match up today at 11:35 in Cincinnati. It’s Matt Clement and Jose Acevedo. Too bad it’s not Juan Acevedo.
—
Three Braves…yes, you read that right…three Braves had two hits each in the third inning last night against the Mets. Atlanta erased a 6-0 New York lead and scored 11 runs in that inning. Adam LaRoche, Johnny Estrada and Julio Franco all got two hits in the inning. Franco was a pinch hitter. So, is he 2-2 as a pinch hitter or 1-1?
ESPN.com isn’t sure. Franco is 2-6 on the season, and they have it broken down as 0-4 as a first baseman and 1-1 as a pinch hitter. So where’s the other hit and at bat? Hmm?
MLB’s official stats also list Franco as 1-1 as a pinch hitter. Very interesting.
—
Greggie pitched OK, but the Cubs hit like s@#$.
Sammy’s 0-for-8! Commence panicking, now!
The Sox won, though Billy Koch had to make it interesting in the ninth.
Jose Valentin is 1-9! Commence panicking!
Jamal Crawford loves New York. They won’t love you, Jamal. They’ll boo you and throw feces at you.
For those of you who insist on bashing BC, it could be worse, he could be Rick Morrissey.
Phil Rogers is still in Houston. Good place for him, maybe he and Jose De Jesus Ortiz can hang out together. Forever.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to begin to slowly panic about the Cubs. Uh, it’s been two games, nitwit. And they won one of them.
The Giants are after Eli Manning and are talking with the Chargers about trading for the first pick. Well sure, it’s not like the Chargers need a quarterback or anything. Drew Brees is just great.
The Wizard of Roz on the White Sox.
Number one, Terry Mulholland is still alive? Number two, if the Mariners trade Rafael Soriano (a stud) for Geoff Blum (just terrible) Bill Bavasi should be beaten with a fish.
How does anybody know that Ozzie even said that about getting drunk? You can’t understand a freakin’ word he says.
Mike Schmidt is managing a class A baseball team? Yeah, this’ll work.
America’s finest news source on the hunt for Bin Laden.
Is it true that the winner of the Cubs-Reds series gets to play our company softball team today? Since we defeated WPIG behind the heroics of Les Nessman, we feel we have earned that right.
Isn’t BC-bashing like midget-tossing? I’d like to think I’d never personally pick up a midget and toss one, namely because they freak me out a little and I’d never get that close. But, if someone else is willing to do it, or it’s on TV or something—-yeah I’ll watch.
I’ll watch and I might even laugh… You know like if the midget bounces or gets a bloody nose and stands up and starts chasing his tosser around saying he’s gonna get kick his ass or something… Hmmmm, this is sounding like a mid-season replacement at Desipio TV…
We could combine the two ‘sports’, have BC take on hosting duties, then the little midgets get thrown and all pissed off, and the last 5 minutes of the show would be dedicated to viewer phone calls, where the audience would have an opportunity blast BC…
Caller : You suck, BC!
BC: Jeez, I’m only 20, but thank you for your call! Next we go to CT on a car phone…
CT: You suck, BC!
BC: Wow, tough crowd, tough crowd. Again, I’m only a college student folks. That’s all for tonight, but tune in next week when Randy a 6’4, 380 lb. lumberjack gets his paws on Bernie, a 3’2 little person that works in a bowling alley as the guy that crawls behind the pins when the ball gets stuck. And as always I’ll be here describing the action, and stating the obvious….
My work here is done.
With a name like this, I’m bound to be a star.
http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/Movies/04/08/film.japan.artofdying.ap/index.html
Wow, Billy Koch put the tying run on base? Boy, that sure made things "interesting"! Downright Borowski-esque, even.
Oh well, at least Dolan has the good sense to diss the SS Sosa, last seen beaching itself on a sandbar in the Caribbean.
Billy Koch who had spent the past season (+1 game) blowing saves, put the tying run on base. The tying run being on base, plus Mr. Koch’s habit of allowing the tying run to score in the ninth (and then some) combine to make the situation "interesting."
WHY do Sox fans keep coming here, then act surprised when the Sox get dissed? When are the Card fans coming? Cause they will LOVE the content herein! This is a site for Cub fans first and foremost with other teams thrown in to fill the time from the end of the season to spring training.
But thanks for visiting! Make sure to stop by one of our sponsors!
I just drink some paint thinner before I come here and ignore any Cardinal dissing. That can be hard because sometimes that’s the whole column.
Actually, I think I might be the only one who hasn’t ripped BC.
You’re not the only one CT. BC may not be the best, but I can hardly find fault for the effort. Especially since he’s a student and not a professional.
Well, considering that Koch allowing the hit to Angel Berroa with two outs (and two strikes), brought up the guy who hit the game winning homer the day before, Carlos Beltran…I’d say that got interesting.
And Sox fans, don’t think you weren’t sharting yourself, just dreading a repeat of Monday.
Did Jake wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or have I just criticized ACC folks too much?
Now, I’m going to watch WGN and see Matt Clement pour gasoline all over the Great American Ballpark.
I suck.
Oh…and how’s that whole Jose Valentin experiment working out for you?
We don’t take no stinkin’ pitches!
Clement only threw 29 pitches in the first inning. At this rate, our bullpen shouldn’t burn out until mid-June.
Did you see Alou’s throw hit that bat in front of home plate! It was great! But just like the triple play on Monday…it didn’t actually happen.
You think you suck, Matt Clement, I suck harder!
Just ask Beege.
How is it that our pitchers don’t know how to put away hitters with few pitches, and our hitters don’t know how to take pitches to make the other team’s pitchers work?
Maybe we should scrimmage?
Why am I fourth in the rotation? Did I lose a bet?
Carlos, you’re 4th because I need to send somebody against the Braves who has a chance in hell of beating them.
I’m starting but Grudzielanek is on the bench. This can only be attributed to it being my birthday. Wins are a dime a dozen, but a man only gets one 31st birthday. My present to myself are these strikeouts looking.
I’m beginning to think that the Chip Caray Terror Alert System should read "Paranoid about Reds bullpen again" rather than Astros.
The Reds pen is dominant, don’t you see? Danny Graves is a force, and if he’s in, we’re out.
Jose Acevedo’s career against the Cubs – 3 starts, 2-1 with a 1.83 ERA. Which is just a shade better than his career ERA of 5.22.
I saw more pitches than half the lineup in that at-bat.
Yea, about time to bring in Bako.
Nothing like 2 straight outs to the catcher and a called strikeout to inspire confidence!
I’ll be in today, boys!
Here we go again…
Apparently, I am a former Seattle broadcaster, along with former Orlando broadcaster, and future former Chicago broadcaster. Watch out, Northeast and Southwest, you’re the next regions scheduled in my tour of terror.
How much longer until I can pitch? Then we can trade Clement to Cuba for a couple of goats.
That’s two days in a row I’ve used "subtle nuances." I am an oxymoron.
Michael Barrett has really shored up our defense!
Well, looks like there’s no chance of Clement getting bailed out by a rain postponement (like in that Cards game last year). What the hell is with Chip Caray and the great Reds bullpen? They traded every reliever they had last year, how good can these new guys be?
Yea, but Jim, I can’t hit, and Clement would have just given up the rbi anyhow.
I’m 0 for the season, by the way. You know you miss me.
Keep them up, you guys are faster than the game case on ESPN – and slightly more entertaining. Odds on a no hitter today?
I own Jose Acevedo.
I won’t get any attention. The perfect game always steals the headlines in games like this.
So I hard to run to the bathroom to take a Sox and after I wiped my Steve I pulled out the trusty Nextel for a game update. Here’s the log:
A Gonzalez struck out looking
M Barrett fouled out to catcher
M Clement grounded out to catcher
So you mean to tell me that not only can’t they hit the ball, but when they actually do, they can’t even hit it forward?
Ah, the limelight.
I bet I stand here at second base while three guys go up there and whiff. Oh, there’s the first. Thanks Corey.
I am 1-10 now. Commence fawning.
Message board done blowed up.
Hey Sammy, taking the ball to right field? What a novel concept; would have been nice if you didn’t try to be big hero man last night and let Christopher Walken’s boyfriend put you on base.
Jerkoff.
Look, guys. You can get mad at me for dropping the Kerry Wood pitches, cuz Kerry actually gets people out, and nobody can advance cuz nobody’s on base. But Clement sucks. Blame him. Blame him! I am the victim, here.
Leadoff double. Strand me and I’ll retire. But not really. That’s an idle threat I like to make when I hit a leadoff double.
Again, it’s my birthday, and I can strike out however I want to. Derrek, hope you like second base. Get comfortable.
Steve Stone does not care that it’s my birthday and is saying that my failure to move the runner ended up costing us a run. That’s cold, Steve.
Maybe I need to braid my hair?
Lennie’s 2004 version would be Tom Goodwin. Watch.
I’m a one man wrecking machine!! RAWR!!
I just misplaced a ball in center. Get us the hell out of Cincinnati, somebody please.
Hey I love it over here in Japan.
I just misspelled misplayed. Still, it’s only the second-worst mistake I’ve made in the last two minutes.
I’m going to try catching flyballs on my knees. Jim Edmonds said something about teaching me lots of fun stuff to do on my knees.
Watch how between every pitch I look around the stadium and at my teammates as if to say, "Wait, I thought I was on the GOOD team?"
Master get away from Jim Edmonds he’s a bad bad man!
I catch lots of balls on my knees.
You didn’t need me again this year, huh?
You know you want me. I can shut these guys out any time. Just call me, I’ll forget my Colorado dreams. I can pull a Clemens fake retirement, then come back to all my loyal Chicago fans. Please?
How did I get called to pitch for the Cubs today, I thought I was signed by the braves?
We’re spotless, Kent, don’t walk in a run.
Athletes get all the hot chicks.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2004160455,00.html
It gets even better
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2004160977,00.html
Hey Kent I’m over here!
Here I am, Kent!
Thats ok Corey I can’t even spell my name
I’ll be making my AA debut tonight in Huntsville as our beloved Montgomery Biscuits open the season against the Stars!
http://www.biscuitsbaseball.com/schedule.html
Oh, and got to do some Expos Internet broadcasts last year and I saw Michael Barrett bat 99 times (actually three times) so I cannot comment on him.
Which is it? All this confusion could lead to another aneurisym. Or aneurysim. I’m not a very good speller. I’m not a very good pitcher, either. Leave me alone.
Kent you wanna wrap me around your head? I’ve done wonders for Griffey so far.
Thank goodness for the start of the baseball season — it’s nice to see how quickly the Cubs (un)faithful can turn on their mediocre ballclub.
Kent Mercker is Clark & Addison-ease for Scott Schoenweis.
Gotta go now — TW’s girl is here with 500 bucks for me. She’s not so bad in the sack if you keep your eyes shut and wear a noseplug….
It’s like 1995, except back then I catch the ball. Man, how the time flies.
Hey guy’s…I’m fine.
Hey guy’s…I’m fine too.
My prosthetic leg came loose again
Larry: Kent, you, you are not good.
Kent: The ump’s squeezing me.
Larry (grabs Kent by the nuts): I’m gonna start squeezing you if you don’t sac it up and start throwing strikes.
Mercker retires next hitter.
Turn on our ballclub? Nah, it’s all in fun. Except the Alex Gonzalez shots.
I hit ball far, thanks to Reds catcher. Gracias, Sr. Miller.
When life gives you Acevedos, make guacamole.
Screw You Buddy
Don’t disrespect me, Andy. I hit HRs when it counts every once in a while.
Don’t disrespect me, Andy. I hit HRs when it counts every once in a while.
Hey Steve the Sox Fan! Suck on that.
Buddy.
test
Miss me?
Hey guys he threw me 4 pitches did I do better?
Sammy, don’t double post, this isn’t baseballprimer.com.
Oh, and I still love you in a very healthy, manly, way.
If only we’d started this rally before the vaunted Reds bullpen got within range! We’re screwed!
remember me?
I’m not gonna bother with stretching doubles into triples is Sammy’s just going to homer in the next at bat.
To show Sammy up, I just grounded out to the catcher.
FYI Steve my girl is 3 weeks old, she sleeps very well and dirty diapers do smell.
But being the open Sox fan that you are, we already knew you were a pedophile. Registered, I hope.
And how does a Sox fan know the Wrigley intersection? The closest I could get for The Joan is the corner of turd and half-full.
Steve, get the hell off this site. Your parole officer is looking for you.
I am beating your mediocre ballclub, Steve. That’s why you’re spending your time watching the Cubs. And you may keep watching the Cubs, as I intend to keep beating your mediocre ballclub.
i’m looking for you too, Steve! Remember how I threw my shoulder out at Comisky last year? Wanna try it again?
I’m guessing Steve’s trailer is not "cable ready" so he’s stuck watching the Cubs today. But good news, Governor Rod is going to allow you to pay for cigs, booze and cable TV with a WIC card now!
Man, we are ugly.
"Good news, a young fan is off to the infirmary."
First of all, that’s "good news"? Secondly, who the fuck says infirmary in 2004?
?
I love my wingtips fila’s buddy
I’m just glad this tragic event in my young life is being narrated by such a respected journalist.
true
"Steve, that was fantastic. Ever since I had the baby, TW has lost all interest in sex that doesn’t involve dirty diapers. See you next week, lover."
Glad I walked that run in right before Sosa’s shot. Wouldn’t want the game to be too close, it may cause the ol’ brain injury to flare back up. It’s always in the back of my mind.
Look on the bright side…you’re not as bad as we are.
BC is that you impersonating my wife? CT, maybe? I bet it’s Dolan. Maybe even Jake. Can’t be Karry because there aren’t any spelling errors.
Art imitates life here on the Desipio message board. Steve pretending to be a woman again.
Well, we’re into the vaunted Reds bullpen. No chance to win now.
Three strikeouts for me, all in big spots. Aren’t you glad they started me and benched Grud? Happy birthday to me.
"My hubby likes it best when I impersonate a man. It’s your turn to lube the strap-on tonight, dear. What’s that you say, you’re already wet at the thought?"
Look at that, me with a pinch hit single. Thanks for remembering me.
I’m pinch-running. I want to be able to do a lot of things not very well, instead of just the one.
Hey! Look! I’m pinch-running!
I can fly! Me pinch running is a great move, Dusty! I’m the hardest working runner in the bidness!
There isn’t a rally alive that I can’t kill!
Don’t worry TW, I’ll comfort you. Just don’t be alarmed by my abnormally large Adam’s Apple.
see i told you
Why would Baker pinch-hit for Todd Walker with Martinez right there? I mean that’s just stupid, it’s a key spot in the game and he replaces a good hitter with a bad one just because one’s right-handed. That’s like hitting Bako for Sosa.
Darren called me and told me to do so
Don’t blame that on me, dad.
Hey, that Derrek Lee guy is good!
I’m new at this … why would you bring in a pitcher to run for a non-pitcher?
"I wish there was a tangible way to figure out how many runs are saved by great defensive plays."
Hey, maybe I can quit my job as Cubs’ announcer and travel the country charting great plays! I’ll take Augie Ojeda along as my "expert" guide!
Or, I could just wait for Beege to retire and we can hump our way across country.
I mean drive.
Look, Hispanic guys hit left-handed white guys better during the day than white guys do. That’s all. also, Ramon’s one of my guys, and he hadn’t gotten in a game yet. I think it’s fine that I gave up the opportunity to win for the chance to get "Rammy" in the game. Yea, I call him that now. Deal with it.
I needed a pinch runner because I’m sleepy.
So sleepy.
Sit Down Biatch!!
Ram and Rammy! I love it! We need more ambiguously gay nicknames for guys!
I think I’ll refer to Sergio as "the bleeding rectum!"
Oh, I’m hilarious!
This is a witchhunt, it’s McCarthyism all over again, Meat Tray is just lightning fast, why you gotta be accusing me of something? I know how to manage, I manage all the time. Meat Tray runs like a cheetah.
Don’t worry, Corey, we’ll meet someday.
I’m trying to set a record for fouling out in a game.
I’m on fire buddy!!
Barry Larkin’s my best friend
We make nine outs on ten pitches. We are the best in the business.
Maybe I’ll meet the second pitch one day too?
Homos.
Someone say homos?
Dusty is out today. i am filling in for him. Running Meat Tray and pinch hitting Rammy is what we affectionately call "Baylor Ball"
I’m glad we got that Ryan Wagner kid, because now we’re officially a good bullpen, even though everyone else we have sucks.
Hey, we’re good!
Well, except for Mercker.
Yeah, I’d say that after pitching 21 innings in the big leagues, Ryan Wagner will definitely be a star.
Don’t let Chip fool you. I’m terrible. If I get the save it’ll not be for lack of lack of talent.
Three outs on 8 pitches? I think Farnsworth should be the new pitching coach.
I made contact
If I were pitching coach I’d tell all my pensmen to get more sleep during the game.
Fear not, Adam Dunn. I will not make you pay for that miscue.
It’s a good thing I didn’t stay in to play second, or I’d be batting right now in the ninth. I’ve only got SIX hits already this year.
Much better to go with Goodwin, who might get six hits this year.
Well, crud. That sharply hit foul ball was about all I had in me.
I knew we should have kept Doug Glanville.
I almost lost a kidney grunting at Goodwin’s sharply foul ball. But at least I don’t have to listen to Chip.
They should fire the piching coach, hope Guzman gets up soon so Clement can be traded, and I know it’s a stretch, but can they hire an asst. manager for Baker, to maybe actually manage the game? Benching the hottest hitter on your team, pinch-hitting for a good hitter with a bad one in a key spot, Sergio running…a tough day managing.
Not pitching coach (or piching coach), I meant hitting coach. Rothschild is fine. But the offense has had issues for two years now.
Now all you unemployable #$%^#$%@ can get back to watching the $%^#$% Springer show.
I will win. I will kill the game against the Braves.
Desipio is like a playground for the c@#$suckers!
Now that the Cubs game is over, Steve can watch the Sox game. I am 2-hitting them through 8.
Score:
Originality 1
Steve the Sox fan 0
What’s next???? I know you are but what am I????
The game started with a score of Originality 6, TW 0 after Originality returned the kickoff for a TD.
Remember TW, you’re the one who busted out the line about "taking a Steve," so things were bound to go down the crapper from there. Hey that’s funny, you compared me to sh*t so I made a toilet joke!Dope.
Sorry the Cubs are off to such a rough start. They’ll be back in the Friendly Confines soon enough. Maybe they can put up another whopping 44-37 record there again this year. And if you bums pool your money, you may be able to afford to get in to see them once or twice. Ain’t that right, Mr. Elia?
Sox lose, Cubs lose, and I earn another $240 for a hard day’s work, too much of which was spent poking a few monkeys through the cage with a stick. Thank goodness for CBS Sportsline’s cool Scoreboard feature. Catch y’all Monday; I feel a holiday coming on.
I actually was watching the game and surfing the internet while on my private jet. You see, I am a billionaire by trade, and during the game today I made $600,000 for my hard day’s work.
At least try to be factually correct. At no time did I ever say I was "taking a Steve" or compare you to shit. I said I was "taking a Sox" and "wiping my Steve". I compared you to an ass.
Ass.
TW said he was "taking a Sox" and "wiping his Steve".
So he compared you to his ass.
But, what the heck. Take your pick.
!
Steve, you’ve been served!
"Oftentimes when I’m working a foot’s worth of plastic up his ass, TW yells ‘give it to me, Steve!’ That’s why he refers to his ass as a Steve."
Steve, congratulations on making roughly $57,000.00 a year. We’re all very proud of you. Try not to set yourself on fire while lighting your Cuban cigars with $100.00 bills.
Dead horse…Steve. Steve…Dead horse.
TW, just becuz u find it to be a dead horse doesn’t keep us from laughing every time you get served.
He look everybody!!! It’s Stev…I mean Blake’s first post ever. How coincidental.
And if by "served" you mean rehash an unfunny and unoriginal attempt at humor, then yes "Blake"…. I have been served.
becuz? Served? Blake, do your parents know you’re on this website?
Boys, boys, boys…. Alright, I’ll play the neutral ringside judge and recap/score the fight…
Steve the Sox fan lets TW off easy initiallly, and lets his "I hard to run…" misstatement off without comment. Yet he lands a nice haymaker with the yo chick’s so smelly I gotsa to wear a noseplug hit.
TW counters with a weak you must be talkin’ bout my infant daughter you sicko combination. Followed by several not-so-funny TW’s wife impersonations… TW tags out and CT lobs the congrats on the $57K a year calculation, then TW hops back in the ring and they both drop the effective ‘Ass’ explanation on him.
Then from outta nowhere Blake tries to make the jump from A to the big leagues and is quickly dismissed.
With a noble assist from CT, TW wins this battle. But Steve the Sox fan showed a lot of upside, and tremendous heart in spite of being outnumbered. Desipio readers will be talking about the noseplg slam around the water cooler for minutes, hours even… Maybe…
Daygames rule!!!
Who, moi new to this site? I’ve been making fun of the sCrUBS here for nearly a year — just click my name and join me in a stroll down memory lane
Is it wrong to point out that $240 x 5 x 52 = $62,400?????
You could afford a double-wide trailer AND cable for that kinda dough!!!!!
Assuming an 8 hour day, $240 works out to $30 per hour. Steve, does your boss know how you spend your time during Cubs’ day games?
Cubs record during offical Desipio gamecasts: 1-0
Cubs record without official Desipio gamecasts: 0-2
I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.
actually after taxes at 34% before deductions, he actually gets $41,184
see you next week
Sorry Cal, I went the route of $240 x 5 x 4(weeks) x 12 (months). Not as exact.
Actually, there is no 34% tax rate, you mo-rans. The top federal bracket is 35%. The next lowest brack is taxed at 33%.
Anyway, assuming he’s a single filer or married filing jointly, his federal tax rate would be 25% at that income level. Illinois takes another 3%.
For you NIU grads and/or White Sox fans, that makes a total of 28%.
Come on Ness? You doin’ your taxes right now? Is that what’s hot in the streets, your taxes?
I’ve got to shut the studio down…
The five best rappers in the world? Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan and Dylan.
I’m Wayne Brady, BITCH!
Why is Stevie Wonder slapping Andre Dawson?
He thought Jack Clark should’ve gotten the 87 MVP.
Yet it moves. by online poker