Just when everything seemed to be going so well. The Cubs offseason had included getting the best manager in the game, bringing back Hank White, adding Dave Martinez to the coaching staff, and making an ambitious run at Jon Lester. Hey, they’d even seen the Blue Jays bail them out of what would have been an onerous contract for squatty little Russell Martin.
All of that is now drowned out by the thud that is the return of Ryan Dempster, Fart Joke Teller Extraordinare. Canada’s worst export since Nickelback, Dempster left the Cubs a three glorious years ago when his trade deadline hostage crisis finally ended with him being shipped off to the Rangers. We detailed that saga here, and it no doubt will be featured in season two of the Serial Podcast.
The Cubs held a press event today on the eve of the Winter Meetings (which start with a Sadie Hawkins Dance on Sunday night), and you thought maybe they were announcing a trade, or a 10 year contract extension for Luis Valbuena, or maybe…just maybe…a Jon Lester signing. Instead, they announced that Dempster was officially retiring from baseball–as a Cub–and joining the team’s front office.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, why?
Haven’t we had enough of him and his terrible Harry Caray impression, that isn’t Harry, but a bad version of Will Ferrell’s bad imitation of Harry? Haven’t we had enough of the Captain America costume, the Whoopee Cushions, and his inability to discern between being funny and being “baseball funny?”
Being baseball funny is a much lower bar to clear. Sportswriters will nervously laugh at anything remotely resembling a joke by a player, even if the joke is horrible. Those are the only laughs Dempster ever gets.
Put him and Kevin Millar in a room together and it’s worse than anything that goes on in any interrogation room at Guantanamo Bay.
Ugh.
Guh.
Blecch.
Dempster’s arrival is supposed to be a boon to the Cubs chances of signing Lester. The two became pals in Boston two years ago and Dempster told our good friend Mark Gonzales that Lester’s interest in pitching for the Cubs isn’t a new thing.
“Jon and I have talked about how great it is to play here,†Dempster said Friday shortly after retiring as a player with the Cubs and taking over his new duties under Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer. “He knows that. He has an extremely tough decision ahead, but whatever the decision will be, hopefully it’s here with the Chicago Cubs because he won’t be disappointed. I know the city of Chicago would embrace him. He’s just the type of person that could pitch here and do well in this city. Hopefully, we’re lucky enough to have him with us.’’
I’m a little concerned that the presence of Ryan Dempster is supposed to tip the scales in the Cubs’ direction. When has Ryan ever let Cubs fans down in a big spot? Can you think of one?Â
I suppose whether he was on the payroll or not, he was going to still be hanging around the Cubs anyway. As a great man once said:
@desipiodotcom That Golden Tee Machine isn’t going to play itself
— Kevin Kaduk (@KevinKaduk) December 5, 2014
Couple that with the fact that the Cubs are going to be shopping Valbuena at the Winter Meetings and I very well could be dead by Christmas.
I hate this team.
