Our good friend Bruce Miles confirmed something we were about to leak.  Before signing with the Cubs, Jon Lester was briefed on what to expect from the media who cover the team.

Theo briefed Lester on Chicago media. He still signed with #Cubs

— Bruce Miles (@BruceMiles2112) December 15, 2014

Despite that briefing, Lester still signed on.  Our Cubs inside source got a hold of the information. Prepare to be sickened.

Paul Sullivan, Chicago Tribune

• Bobblehead enthusiast

• Has covered beat for both the Cubs and Sox during his tenure

• Served longtime sarcasm/skepticism internship under Mike Royko

• Long, successful career as a jockey — rode Seabiscuit to match race victory over War Admiral in 1938

• When Dusty Baker sighed before saying the word “dude” you knew he was talking to Sullivan

• Pissed off Wally Hayward by co-hosting the anti-social media roundup at Wally’s beloved “noodle”

• Last combed his hair during the Tom Trebelhorn era

Bruce Miles, Arlington Heights Daily Herald

• Now that the Daily Herald is a pamphlet and not a real newspaper he is not allowed to cover games that he cannot travel to with a bus pass

• In order to read his Cubs articles online you are required to answer survey questions, often about the maximum size bedbugs you would tolerate when selecting a roadside motel to rent from a period of time ranging from one day to 20 minutes

• Even after you answer it the stupid paywall blocker comes up anyway

• Once spent nine days in a county jail for assaulting a man who insisted that Flea was a better bass player than Geddy Lee

• Convinced the Daily Herald to let him start a baseball blog after John Arguello convinced him that bloggers get all the hottest chicks

Gordon Wittenmyer, Chicago Sun Times

• Has an honorary Master’s in Baseball Economics from some bullshit pretend university he made up

• Close family member was crushed to death when an improperly strapped down debt load shifted and pinned him under a flatbed

• Was a child actor, whose most famous role was that of Arnold Poindexter in Revenge of the Nerds

• His sources throughout baseball enjoy fucking with him

• During his time writing about the Minnesota Twins taught Jock Jones how to long toss in the outfield

• Insists he doesn’t have time to be paranoid because he’s too busy documenting all the times the Cubs have lied to him

Carrie Muskat, cubs.com

• Got her start covering the Cubs with the Rockford Register Star, she’s a self-professed foodie and credits her time in Rockford with refining her palate

• Is currently married to former Chicago Tribune writer Alan Solomon, but was previously briefly married to some guy named Kermit who writes for hirejimessian.com

• Her Cubs Inbox column won a Pulitzer Prize in 2012 for “Dumbest Questions Ever Answered in a Public Forum”

• Is not a librarian, goddamnit, and frankly is tired of people asking her that

• No, the Cubs, nor Major League Baseball have approval of what she writes and frankly she’s tired of people asking her that, too

Mark Gonzales, Chicago Tribune

• Wishes he had covered the Cubs from 2006-2008 because he knows he’d have done pretty well with nearsighted Hank White groupies during that timespan

• Covered the White Sox beat in 2005 and insists they actually won the World Series that year

• Covered the Diamondbacks in 2001 and he’s just as amazed as everybody else that the stupid shit Bob Brenly did that year didn’t cost them

• Helped pack and mail Tony Campana to the Diamondbacks last year

Bruce Levine, 670-AM The Score

• Enjoys welcoming new acquisitions to Chicago, even though that annoys the shit out of everyone else

• Suffers, apparently, from Twitter-onset epilepsy

• Received a grant from the National Science Foundation to create the “space period .”

• As a long-running joke, he’s been putting Nair in Mike Quade’s shampoo since 1986

• Got into radio because he can’t spell, punctuate or articulate his thoughts in writing

Jesse Rogers, ESPNChicago.com

• Got his start as a producer for Mike North when The Score was on an AM frequency (820) so weak you couldn’t get the signal in the lobby of the station

• No, seriously, he used to be Mike North’s producer

• I’m not shitting you

• Seriously, we’re not making this up

• Switched from the Blackhawks beat to the Cubs beat a couple of years ago when ESPNChicago realized fans actually wanted to read about the Blackhawks

Barry Rozner, columnist, Arlington Heights Daily Herald

• We had to confirm he still writes for them because he so seldom does it, when he does it’s either about a trainer the Cubs fired in the ’90s, a pitcher the Cubs drafted in the ’90s who hit an on-deck batter with a pitch, or to complain about how lazy Starlin Castro is

Rick Telander and Rick Morrissey, Chicago Sun Times

• One is a former college football player who wrote for Sports Illustrated, the other is a former college football writer
• One is suffering from CTE related dementia, the other just seems like it

• Both are afraid of robots

David Haugh, Chicago Tribune

• Writes stupid shit like this a lot:
  

David Kaplan, Cubs Postgame

• First human-Cheetos clone ever successfully created
• Seventh grade girls have more stable relationships with each other than Dave’s emotions do with the Cubs
• Once lived in a van in the McDonald’s parking lot until the Cubs won a game
• Works, simultaneously for every media outlet in Chicago from Comcast SportsNet to the Tribune Company to Steetwise to benkowski.com

Patrick Mooney, CSNChicago.com

• Just ask your mom and grandmother, they’ll tell you all about how dreamy Patrick Mooney is

Jon Greenberg, ESPNChicago.com

• Completely jealous of how awesome Crane’s branding arch is going to be
• Despite his wardrobe and grooming, we have determined he is not technically homeless
• Don’t worry too much about Greenberg, Peter Chase and Julian Green commissioned a study that shows that the Internet is not likely to ever catch on

Oh, and don’t get us started on the bloggers.