TAKE COVER!! Today is a Chip Caray Assclown Alert Day! All indicators point to SEVERE! If you find yourself within earshot of this severe assclown, turn off the TV, and follow the game with your friends at Desipio!
BTW, WTF IS a Desipio?
That is all.
Schatzie
on April 16, 2004 at 12:26 pm
Well the grass is green and so is the Meat Tray. Look for Aaron to very effectively harangue the Cubs’ hitters today while Dunn and Kearns put a few over the brown ivy.
Statuatory Stephanie
on April 16, 2004 at 12:27 pm
Hey Sloth, I’m only 15 but I know how the young ones turn you on.
Freak.
Sloth
on April 16, 2004 at 12:33 pm
…damn laws…
T.J. Brown
on April 16, 2004 at 12:33 pm
Hey, look! Mark Prior threw 20 pitches off a mound today. reported no soreness.
Yeah, looks like Tommy John surgery to me.
Prior's elbow soreness
on April 16, 2004 at 12:38 pm
Reporting to duty as requested, sir.
Tommy John Surgery
on April 16, 2004 at 12:43 pm
Did I hear my name?
Sloth
on April 16, 2004 at 12:47 pm
Well, where the f–k are you, Steph?
Jim Edmonds
on April 16, 2004 at 12:50 pm
With dogs you only have to wait till they are 3 years old so you don’t get into trouble, Sloth. You might try that.
Thailand, Poland, Monaco (And others)
on April 16, 2004 at 12:54 pm
Steph, you’re legal here. C’mon over.
Ryne Sandberg's Dog
on April 16, 2004 at 1:04 pm
WOOF!
Ryno
on April 16, 2004 at 1:05 pm
That was my dog.
It’s going to be very exciting on AM1000 this year.
Jim Edmonds
on April 16, 2004 at 1:06 pm
Specifically, Ryno, it was a golden lab retriever.
I know about these things.
Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom now. Won’t be long…
Edgar Renteria
on April 16, 2004 at 1:09 pm
I know what he means when he says it won’t be long.
Paul Sullivan
on April 16, 2004 at 1:13 pm
You know I said Edgar would be our short stop next year. Watch out Edgar we don’t play that way in the Cubs Locker Room, even though that type of behavior happens all around the neighborhood surrounding the ballpark.
Sloth
on April 16, 2004 at 1:14 pm
Well, if I were Jim Edmonds, I wouldn’t want to touch Missouri women, neither. He’s just gotta stay away from them dogs. Some of them are on leashes, and can’t get away. That’s just wrong.
The Reds Front Office
on April 16, 2004 at 1:20 pm
All of you have watched the movie Major League right? Well know you know how we got our team off to a winning season? We have a cardboard cut out of Marge Schott each time we win a game we remove one of the 162 articles of clothing on the cut out. Look at what that cut out has done already. This was a term in Marge’s will.
John Kruk
on April 16, 2004 at 1:36 pm
Hey guys!
Check out my column on the new Page 2 and let me know what you think!
Julian Tavarez
on April 16, 2004 at 1:47 pm
I like the fat women in Missouri.
Albert PooHoles
on April 16, 2004 at 1:49 pm
Yeah, me too! You go, Julian…
Ray Lankford
on April 16, 2004 at 1:50 pm
Missouri women kick butt.
Sloth
on April 16, 2004 at 1:51 pm
Hey, one-ball? Am I the only one that couldn’t read your page, since both the foreground and background were black?
If you’re gonna blog with the big boys, make sure to contrast, my man.
The Krukster
on April 16, 2004 at 2:11 pm
Hey Sloth, you knucklehead — I write columns, not a blog. You do know the difference, don’t you?
John Kruk's wayward testicle
on April 16, 2004 at 2:16 pm
Hey! I quit my job so I don’t have time to surf the web anymore. What’s going on around here?
5 1/3 innings
on April 16, 2004 at 2:59 pm
Good to see everyone, I’ll be serving as Mitre’s over/under today…any takers?
A-Gon
on April 16, 2004 at 3:00 pm
This just in…
I still suck.
Airbat
on April 16, 2004 at 3:00 pm
Hi!
-from the Bat of Alex Gonzalez
Insipid Reader
on April 16, 2004 at 3:00 pm
Can someone in tights please do a triple flip up to the press box and punt Jesse White out of the radio booth?
Mike Wallace
on April 16, 2004 at 3:00 pm
You will never confuse me with Ron Santo as a questioner…I guess that driver’s license scam won’t be covered during today’s in-game chat on WGN…
Alex S Gonzalez
on April 16, 2004 at 3:00 pm
This just in I still suck, film at 11.
B.C.
on April 16, 2004 at 3:01 pm
Alex Gonzalez: You suck.
He swings at ball one but doesn’t on strike three.
Yikes.
Michael Barret
on April 16, 2004 at 3:01 pm
Hey! Only people wearing #20 on their backs are supposed to do that!
Insipid Reader
on April 16, 2004 at 3:01 pm
By the way… what’s the over/under on Pat’s Nature Call? I’m going with top of the fifth.
Michael Barrett
on April 16, 2004 at 3:01 pm
I run bases like I’m a White Sock.
Pickle
on April 16, 2004 at 3:02 pm
To recap — a fun game to play in the backyard when you’re 6 years old…not fun when it happens to you in a major league game…
George Ryan
on April 16, 2004 at 3:02 pm
Uh, I was the SOS during the license scam.
Uh, "alleged" license scam.
Jesse was still tumbling.
Levita
on April 16, 2004 at 3:02 pm
My side effects include a runny *nose*?
Michael Barrett
on April 16, 2004 at 3:02 pm
Where the fuck was I going?
Ozzie Guillen
on April 16, 2004 at 3:03 pm
Come play wid us mang! You rung like we’s do! It’s fung!
Sloth
on April 16, 2004 at 3:03 pm
Chuck, they really DID send your ass packing?
Sergio
on April 16, 2004 at 3:03 pm
For chrissakes, why do they hit the ball right back at me so much?
Chuck
on April 16, 2004 at 3:04 pm
Home free with 2 weeks pay! new job starts the 26th.
CT
on April 16, 2004 at 3:05 pm
Dammit, what happened now? Yahoo has ended the inning with only 2outs recorded…
Chuck
on April 16, 2004 at 3:05 pm
Hey! I guess that makes me Todd Hundley.
Sergio
on April 16, 2004 at 3:07 pm
They keep hitting my "gordo" pitch. Why does Rothschild keep calling it that?
Alex Gonzalez
on April 16, 2004 at 3:08 pm
Wow, not only do I not hit my weight, now I’m short-arming grounders and costing us runs! I’m the best!
The Meat Tray
on April 16, 2004 at 3:09 pm
Yep, I’m servin’ it up! You could almost say I’m all Dunn!
Sergio Mitre
on April 16, 2004 at 3:09 pm
Four runs will not win this game…for the Cubs. You guys gonna need to score fifteen, sixteen to win, once I’m through.
Moises Alou
on April 16, 2004 at 3:09 pm
I cannot throw…a lick.
CT
on April 16, 2004 at 3:09 pm
I can’t believe that we don’t have anybody, ANYBODY in our farm system that could play a worse shortstop than Alex. The guy is finished. Let the Jose Marcias era begin!
Corky Miller
on April 16, 2004 at 3:11 pm
Life may go on, but I sure ended that inning.
Dave B
on April 16, 2004 at 3:11 pm
Anyone else sick of the Pepsi/hot dog commercial yet?
Indolent Reader
on April 16, 2004 at 3:13 pm
Rotoworld.com on our shortstop:
"Gonzalez is off to a 6-for-30 start, but there’s little chance of him losing his starting job. Once he breaks out of his slump and returns to being the mediocre hitter he usually is, his glove will make him an asset."
WTF?
Mark Grudzielanek
on April 16, 2004 at 3:15 pm
Not to worry. When I come off the DL, they won’t be able to get Walker’s bat out of the lineup so I’ll play short.
Damian Jackson
on April 16, 2004 at 3:15 pm
I could be worse! Pick Me!
B.C.
on April 16, 2004 at 3:15 pm
Not good. Just not good.
#20
on April 16, 2004 at 3:15 pm
How much for court costs to change my name to Korey?
CT
on April 16, 2004 at 3:17 pm
Patterson and Lee are destroying my fantasy team…
Hack
on April 16, 2004 at 3:18 pm
And Sammy is K-ed once more.
CT's lack of baseball 411
on April 16, 2004 at 3:18 pm
No CT, I’m destroying your fantasy team.
Hall of Fame
on April 16, 2004 at 3:18 pm
We’re getting Harang’s bust ready. The way the Cubs are making him look, he’ll be in here by the end of the year.
Moises
on April 16, 2004 at 3:19 pm
Can someone else circle the bases for me? I’m sleepy.
Hall of shame
on April 16, 2004 at 3:19 pm
I just got busted alright.
Little Orphan Annie
on April 16, 2004 at 3:20 pm
That ball was beaten like a red headed step child.
Moises Alou
on April 16, 2004 at 3:20 pm
I heet ball very far
Santo
on April 16, 2004 at 3:20 pm
"Back to back jacks!"
Rented Mule
on April 16, 2004 at 3:21 pm
A-Ram beat that ball like a me.
E-Ramis
on April 16, 2004 at 3:21 pm
This just in, I’m really fucking good.
WGN Radio
on April 16, 2004 at 3:22 pm
I guess that back to back homer promotion has worked out pretty well for us this year.
Dave Lockhart
on April 16, 2004 at 3:22 pm
I just won $1K thanks to those back to backs!
CT
on April 16, 2004 at 3:23 pm
Um yeah, that’s it.
Random uninteresting knowledge
on April 16, 2004 at 3:24 pm
True fact: I played little league on a team sponsored by Lockhart’s Sporting Goods in LaGrange back in the early 80s. And old man Lockhart had a son named Dave.
Ralph Wiggum
on April 16, 2004 at 3:24 pm
My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
Bill Rancic
on April 16, 2004 at 3:26 pm
Now that I’m in charge of construction of the new Trump Tower on Wabash, I guess I’ll have to oversee demolition of the Sun-Times building. Any chance I can do it while Carol Slezak and Jay Mariotti are still in the newsroom?
Homer to Bart about Marge
on April 16, 2004 at 3:26 pm
Look out, it’s old lady Simpson!
Ron Rapaport
on April 16, 2004 at 3:27 pm
I sleep in the building, so you can kill me, too. Nobody will ever notice.
Mike Murphy
on April 16, 2004 at 3:27 pm
LaGrange! Hey buddy, I went to good old LaGrange High! Surely then you agree with me, that Dusty needs to give Patterson at least 3 days notice that he’s going to be in the starting lineup.
Mike Barrett
on April 16, 2004 at 3:28 pm
Have I caught a pitch yet?
Home plate ump
on April 16, 2004 at 3:28 pm
Uh, no.
LaGrange High
on April 16, 2004 at 3:28 pm
There’s no such thing as me.
Sharon Panozzo
on April 16, 2004 at 3:28 pm
I’m the most powerful lesbian in Chicago!
Other than Jay Mariotti.
Harry Caray
on April 16, 2004 at 3:29 pm
"Aaron Harang" sounds like a Chinese guy saying "Orangutan."
Sergio Mitre
on April 16, 2004 at 3:30 pm
I own Aaron Harange!
Filo Bedo's mother
on April 16, 2004 at 3:31 pm
Twelve ribs my ass
Chip Caray
on April 16, 2004 at 3:35 pm
For godsake, we’ve got to get more runs, it’s only a matter of time before we get into the dreaded REDS BULLPEN!
Sergio Mitre
on April 16, 2004 at 3:36 pm
79 pitches, 4 innings!
I’m glad Greg is around to tutor me.
Greg Maddux
on April 16, 2004 at 3:38 pm
Se habla English?
Carlos Zambrano & Kerry Wood
on April 16, 2004 at 3:39 pm
That’s right Sergio, just like we taught you.
Mark Prior
on April 16, 2004 at 3:43 pm
I’ll be throwing curveballs Monday.
I’ll be on the mound May 15 at San Diego.
George Offerman
on April 16, 2004 at 3:46 pm
He;s Lying! He’ll be on Andrew’s operating table by May 1st! Liar, Liar Liar!
Jose Offerman
on April 16, 2004 at 3:47 pm
Do I have an hermano named Jorge?
Sloth
on April 16, 2004 at 3:50 pm
Ofman, shut the phuck up before I beat your scrawny wine-sipping ass.
Clark Addison
on April 16, 2004 at 3:52 pm
Is anyone else sick of the Old Style radio commercial yet?
G. Ofman
on April 16, 2004 at 3:52 pm
I prefer to be called a male madame.
p. d.
on April 16, 2004 at 3:53 pm
This just in from Under the Knife @ baseball prosectus:
The Astros can overcome one injury to their pitching staff without much problem. They have depth to burn. It’s possible that they could even overcome two major injuries, as long as they don’t have significant overlap. Andy Pettitte’s already on the shelf with a minor elbow problem, but Wade Miller is likely to follow if he has many more outings like Wednesday’s. Going 121 pitches with a strike rate just over 50% is bad news. Sources that saw the game say that Miller looked completely out of sync, but that the big lead he was staked to allowed him to be cute with his pitches. Watch his next outing closely. It would be smart in situations like this to drop in a "sixth starter" to give Miller–or any pitcher coming off a high-stress outing–an extra day’s rest
Julie Swieca
on April 16, 2004 at 3:53 pm
Hey, guys, see how good Paulie has been doing since I started letting him corn-hole me?
I wouldn’t do it before, because I had to go to the station, and stuff, and it would be hard for me to sit for hours at a time, and sometimes, I would have embarassing accidents due to lack of control.
Quitting my job was the bestest thing ever!
Wendell Kim
on April 16, 2004 at 3:57 pm
That was dumb of me.
Wavin' Wendall
on April 16, 2004 at 3:57 pm
Hey guys! I’m back! Did you forget about me! Ha! Ha!
p. d.
on April 16, 2004 at 3:57 pm
Nice job by Waving Wendell – Walker was only out by 60 feet!
Third Base Coaches Box
on April 16, 2004 at 3:58 pm
I’m in need of a new occupant
Kramer
on April 16, 2004 at 3:58 pm
What, take your shirt off and take a dump?
Pat Hughes
on April 16, 2004 at 3:59 pm
Walker wasn’t the only one who got the runs by Wavin’ Wendell.
Michael Wuertz
on April 16, 2004 at 4:01 pm
They keep putting me out there even though my fluke hot streak has long since ceased to be. It’s costing you ball games, but oh well. Guess you should have a smarter manager.
Dave Miley
on April 16, 2004 at 4:02 pm
Why hasn’t anyone mentioned my ejection yet? That will be a key to the ball game!
Dusty Baker
on April 16, 2004 at 4:03 pm
Bringing in Wuertz today is the best decision I’ve made since I brought in Pratt in Atlanta.
Beltran
on April 16, 2004 at 4:04 pm
Or bringing me in yesterday…
Pat Hughes
on April 16, 2004 at 4:04 pm
Anyone seen my Sun Times?
Andy Pratt
on April 16, 2004 at 4:04 pm
By the way, Dusty, how long till Wuertz and I can be Iowa buddies? Oh man, you see the Barrett guy’s throw? He throws like me!
Eramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 4:05 pm
I guess I’m going to have to get those runs back.
Junior
on April 16, 2004 at 4:05 pm
I am a Hall of Famer.
Big Red Machine
on April 16, 2004 at 4:05 pm
We’re winning the whole damn thing because the North Side will find a way to throw it away…
Michael Wuertz
on April 16, 2004 at 4:06 pm
I’m a minor league piece of shit losing games for a World Series contender! I bet you fans are all thrilled with me.
Wuertz's line
on April 16, 2004 at 4:07 pm
single, homer, single, homer, line drive out to Alou…
World Series Contender
on April 16, 2004 at 4:07 pm
I do not exist in the NL West, NL Central, or AL Central.
CT
on April 16, 2004 at 4:07 pm
Junior, you’ll be on the DL by June.
Michael Wurtz
on April 16, 2004 at 4:08 pm
Hey, I’m batting .200, then. That’s better than our shortstop.
Junior
on April 16, 2004 at 4:08 pm
CT, you better hope so, ‘cuz for now I’ve got the Cubs number.
Adam
on April 16, 2004 at 4:09 pm
I Dunn been walked. Here comes Weeniemeyer!
Steve Stone
on April 16, 2004 at 4:09 pm
Did Pat fall in? Andy’s killing me.
Dusty Baker
on April 16, 2004 at 4:09 pm
Hey, Mike. Nice job man. That guy on the street almost caught that bomb.
By the way, the clubhouse is over this way and then there’s a bus that will take you to Des Moines.
Andy Pratt
on April 16, 2004 at 4:09 pm
Mike,
You want me to pass along the bus schedule to Des Moines?
Meat Tray
on April 16, 2004 at 4:10 pm
I guess as my brother Loaf said: "Two out of Three Ain’t Bad."
Cubs and Astros
on April 16, 2004 at 4:10 pm
Actually, we’re the two best teams in the NL, when we’re at full strength. The Marlins are riding a couple hot pitchers and a spate of games against Montreal (10 runs in 9 games) and Philly (who was struggling mightily at the plate at the time), and will come back to earth shortly.
Improved Cubs bullpen
on April 16, 2004 at 4:11 pm
Where on earth am I?
Todd Wellemeyer
on April 16, 2004 at 4:11 pm
Hey, Mike, hold up! I might need to hitch a ride with ya!
Jack McKeon
on April 16, 2004 at 4:12 pm
Where’s earth? Montreal’s a great team with Raines, Dawson and Ellis Valentine in the outfield and Steve Rogers and Charlie Lea on the hill.
And Dick Williams is one hell of a manager.
Steve Stone
on April 16, 2004 at 4:12 pm
Ron,
Why are you posting as me? Poser.
Jim Hendry
on April 16, 2004 at 4:12 pm
Back to the drawing board…where the hell is Remlinger?
Phillies and Marlins
on April 16, 2004 at 4:12 pm
Hey Kreskin, we’re the class of the NL. Deal wit’ it.
Improved Cubs bullpen
on April 16, 2004 at 4:13 pm
We’re of no use when Dusty puts in the worst members of us in key times in ballgames. When the game’s close, you should live or die with Farnsworth or Hawkins or Mercker, not with scrubs like Wuertz and Pratt.
Phillies
on April 16, 2004 at 4:14 pm
Uh, aren’t we like 2-6? We’re the class of nothing much.
Bryan Corey
on April 16, 2004 at 4:15 pm
I got a save in Iowa last night! Bring me in. Besides, my brother Mark knows where to get all the best weed.
Todd Wellemeyer
on April 16, 2004 at 4:15 pm
I stink.
Corey Patterson
on April 16, 2004 at 4:16 pm
If Bryan Corey and I went to San Francisco and got married, I could be Corey Corey.
Chip Caray
on April 16, 2004 at 4:16 pm
Honesty compels me to say that the Reds bullpen is far better than the Cubs’ bullpen. Besides 10 games out of 162 is a great sample to base a trend on. It’s a full 1/16th of a season! So once you get to the Reds’ bullpen, this game is over.
William Carlos Williams
on April 16, 2004 at 4:17 pm
That’s kind of like my name, and my most famous work is Paterson. It’s all eerily coincidental, Corey Corey.
Todd Wellemeyer
on April 16, 2004 at 4:19 pm
Hey Andy and Mike!
Think maybe we can share an apartment?
City of Des Moines
on April 16, 2004 at 4:21 pm
Boy with all this traffic headed out this way, we might have to add our second traffic signal!
Todd Wellemeyer
on April 16, 2004 at 4:21 pm
Me, Wuertz, and Pratt are gonna get a badass apartment in Iowa, and you’re all just gonna wish you were as bad ass as us and our apartment. We’ll have pictures of dogs playing poker and we’ll do lots of drugs. Sure beats this getting shelled crap.
Rod Beck
on April 16, 2004 at 4:21 pm
Todd,
Want my RV?
Todd Wellemeyer
on April 16, 2004 at 4:22 pm
I’ve gotten shelled so bad this year I just repeat myself without being aware of it.
Hitting Shoes
on April 16, 2004 at 4:22 pm
Time to put us on guys
9-4
on April 16, 2004 at 4:23 pm
That was the Wuertz inning yet.
Jae Kuk-Ryu
on April 16, 2004 at 4:24 pm
You know, there’s an osprey in Daytona that can tell you how great my velocity and location is
Ben Christensen
on April 16, 2004 at 4:24 pm
There’s a blind college infielder in Evansville who can tell you the same thing about me, too!
Pat Hughes
on April 16, 2004 at 4:25 pm
I just described the top of the sixth inning as long and laborious….
Did I miss anything on the field?
Antonio Alfonseca
on April 16, 2004 at 4:25 pm
I want to come back to Chicago, I understand you might have some openings?
Moises Alou
on April 16, 2004 at 4:25 pm
Glad that Wendell sent Walker, I hate RBI
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 4:26 pm
RBI are great, man.
9-5
on April 16, 2004 at 4:27 pm
What a way to make a living.
My fantasy team says "Go Derrek!"
Alfonseca's trainer
on April 16, 2004 at 4:27 pm
Antonio, I seem to you remember you filling your opening with pie at every chance.
Dale "The Demon" Torborg
on April 16, 2004 at 4:28 pm
Hey Alf, don’t make me chase you outta here!
D Lee
on April 16, 2004 at 4:29 pm
I’m going to be good, at some point.
D Lee
on April 16, 2004 at 4:30 pm
Until I become good, fantasy leaguers may want to bench me for the likes of Brad Fullmer and Shea Hillenbrand.
Pat Hughes
on April 16, 2004 at 4:31 pm
I heard you talking about the ump with food poisoning while I was on the can. Maybe I can use that excuse.
Press Box Men's Room
on April 16, 2004 at 4:32 pm
Someone put the Out of Order sign on my door. It smells like something died in here.
Glendon Rusch
on April 16, 2004 at 4:33 pm
Glendon Rusch gave up just a single in six innings for Triple-A Iowa yesterday.
Rusch has pitched 11 scoreless innings in two starts. The Cubs aren’t going to have room for him as long as Mark Prior returns in mid-May, but if he keeps pitching well in Triple-A, he’ll end up in the majors with some club.
I can get out AAA hitters too!
Turd Floating in the Toilet
on April 16, 2004 at 4:33 pm
I’m still here guys..Maybe courtesy flush would do the trick?
CT
on April 16, 2004 at 4:34 pm
Plenty of room in the bullpen, Glendon!
Pat Hughes
on April 16, 2004 at 4:35 pm
I am promoting This Old Cub yet again! Make it stop!
Glendon Rusch
on April 16, 2004 at 4:35 pm
Now if only I could get major league hitters out….
Indolent Reader
on April 16, 2004 at 4:35 pm
Has anyone heard anything regarding a movie about Ron Santo’s life? Why isn’t it ever mentioned on the air?
Kent Merker
on April 16, 2004 at 4:36 pm
And now, the winner in the too little, too late category…me.
Xavier Nady
on April 16, 2004 at 4:37 pm
I’m the Glendon Rusch of AAA hitters!
Dusty
on April 16, 2004 at 4:37 pm
Get Prior up!
What he’s on the DL? For what?
An Achilles? Does he throw with it?
Screw it, he’s in. He can warm up when he gets to the mound.
In my day, Luis Tiant had his Achilles tendons removed and he still threw 374 innings one year.
Pansies!
The Donald
on April 16, 2004 at 4:38 pm
Alex Gonzalez YOU’RE FIRED!!
Ramon Martinez
on April 16, 2004 at 4:40 pm
They come back from the commercial break and I am standing on second. My great double…lost, lost in a commercial. The humanity!
Ramon Martinez
on April 16, 2004 at 4:40 pm
Put me in coach! I’m ready to play.
Ramon Martinez
on April 16, 2004 at 4:41 pm
Now they’re taking my double away! The umpires are taking my double away! Make the hurting stop!
CBS Sportsline
on April 16, 2004 at 4:41 pm
I still havent recorded a pitch to Ramon
Chip Caray
on April 16, 2004 at 4:41 pm
My apologies to the Reds bullpen, whom I just referred to as the Reds bullpen, instead of the vaunted Reds bullpen.
Dusty Baker
on April 16, 2004 at 4:41 pm
Did I forget to tell somebody something?
Cofusion
on April 16, 2004 at 4:42 pm
Make it stop
The Great Communicator
on April 16, 2004 at 4:42 pm
Whoops, looks like I, Dusty, didn’t communicate my double-switch properly.
CT
on April 16, 2004 at 4:42 pm
What the hell?
Peterbilt
on April 16, 2004 at 4:43 pm
What is going on?
Umpire
on April 16, 2004 at 4:43 pm
My incompetence may cost you a chance to win the game. Go me!
Stupid umps
on April 16, 2004 at 4:45 pm
The homers are always right. We’re always wrong.
p. d.
on April 16, 2004 at 4:45 pm
dusty pulled a double switch when Mercer came in (with Martinez), but the umps, didn’t put Ramon in the pitcher’s spot.
Dusty Baker
on April 16, 2004 at 4:45 pm
From now on, I’m having Darren handle the double switches.
Under protest
on April 16, 2004 at 4:45 pm
This game will be played here.
The Great Oswaldo
on April 16, 2004 at 4:45 pm
Theese doan happin win i manage, mang.
Umpire
on April 16, 2004 at 4:45 pm
I will smile knowing that I fucked up. And I get paid for this…
Tons of garbage
on April 16, 2004 at 4:45 pm
Hey, stop throwing us onto the field, stupid drunk fans. Quit desecrating the golden shrine!
CBS Sportsline
on April 16, 2004 at 4:45 pm
We had Ramon playing shortstop.
Ron Santo
on April 16, 2004 at 4:46 pm
CB Buckner will not be invited to my Diabetes golf outing.
The AL
on April 16, 2004 at 4:46 pm
I don’t have nearly as many double-switches.
Andy
on April 16, 2004 at 4:46 pm
I’d have to say that judging by Dusty’s reaction, that Dusty didn’t goof up the lineup.
I was impressed by him throwing his glasses, the lineup card and his hat. He threw better today than Wuertz did.
DH
on April 16, 2004 at 4:46 pm
Thanks to me.
Bruce Kimm
on April 16, 2004 at 4:47 pm
See, it’s not so easy managing in the National League, is it?
CT
on April 16, 2004 at 4:47 pm
So what’s the decision?
Steve McMichael
on April 16, 2004 at 4:47 pm
Need a hand?
Drunken Cubs fans
on April 16, 2004 at 4:48 pm
Whooooo! I’m going to throw my empty cup! Whoooo! Feel my wrath!
I’m 27, I used to make $85,000 a year, but the stock market is in the shitter, my penis no longer works and the chicks I was hitting on all afternoon won’t get off their cell phones to give me the time of day.
So now, I throw more garbage.
Whooo!
Citizen Band Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 4:48 pm
Now my strike zone is huuuuuuuuuge.
Ramon Martinez
on April 16, 2004 at 4:48 pm
Man, that was my only extra base hit I was going to get all year.
Official scorer
on April 16, 2004 at 4:49 pm
How do you score that?
Cubs bottom of the seventh
on April 16, 2004 at 4:49 pm
Two hits, one out. No putouts.
Hmmm?
Andy Pratt
on April 16, 2004 at 4:49 pm
Maybe CB Buckner can call balls in Iowa when I pitch.
Phil Norton
on April 16, 2004 at 4:50 pm
I hear a Hoo!
Chuck Merriweather
on April 16, 2004 at 4:50 pm
Sorry, I puked on the lineup card, making it impossible to read.
C. B. Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 4:50 pm
If you don’t call me "Sir", I won’t listen to you
Pat Hughes
on April 16, 2004 at 4:50 pm
Honesty compels me to say that I may have wiped with the lineup card.
Oops.
The score of the game
on April 16, 2004 at 4:50 pm
I should be 9-6.
Pat Hughes
on April 16, 2004 at 4:50 pm
You score it as Mercker batting. Catcher gets the credit for the out. At least that’s what I say.
Racially ambiguous Dave Leitao
on April 16, 2004 at 4:51 pm
I’m the black guy you can bring home to mom! Maybe not dad, but definitely mom.
Kent Mercker
on April 16, 2004 at 4:52 pm
What I made an out and didn’t bat?
Screw that.
9-6
on April 16, 2004 at 4:52 pm
With runners on second and third, and no outs in the seventh! Thanks for stealing the game, Buckner.
Sammy Sosa
on April 16, 2004 at 4:52 pm
An intentional walk would be cool with me.
It make fans happy.
Sammy
on April 16, 2004 at 4:53 pm
Don’t worry Dusty, buddy. I tie game right here, buddy. I make them forget you no talk so good to Meester Umpire, buddy.
Ron Santo
on April 16, 2004 at 4:53 pm
I am a very excellent driver. Dad let’s me drive my chevy on the driveway. But nothing!!
Bill Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 4:53 pm
Finally, I’m not alone!
Miss Daisy
on April 16, 2004 at 4:54 pm
Hey Ron, I need a driver! We can talk about movies as you shuttle me around.
Andy
on April 16, 2004 at 4:54 pm
When WGN shows us an HDTV on TV do they not know we don’t see it IN HDTV?
Charlie Babbitt
on April 16, 2004 at 4:55 pm
Five minutes to Wapner!
Chip
on April 16, 2004 at 4:55 pm
The Reds gave up a lead late yesterday. That’s right, the first inning. I know a lot about that which I speak.
Moises Alou
on April 16, 2004 at 4:56 pm
The only thing drunker than the fans are the bases!
Moises Alou
on April 16, 2004 at 4:56 pm
I’m hot heeting, today, but here comes a clutch double play groundball. I am very sorry for what I am about to do.
Steve Stone
on April 16, 2004 at 4:56 pm
Well, it was ‘late’ in the first, Chip.
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 4:57 pm
Mo, if you make an out, strike out.
C.B. Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 4:57 pm
I am announcing my candidacy for Illinois governor tomorrow. Buckner ’06!
Wendell Kim
on April 16, 2004 at 4:59 pm
Wow. That was a close one. If Alou hit the ball hard, how would I have been able to screw that one up?
Bucker
on April 16, 2004 at 4:59 pm
I’m fucking with EVERYBODY today, I am king of the baseball game!
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:00 pm
Well crud, I’m gonna strike out, too.
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:00 pm
I’m pretty good, eh?
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:01 pm
I am the rbi king, how come Sammy didn’t score, though? Sammy should have scored, give me another rbi, Sam.
Wendell Kim
on April 16, 2004 at 5:01 pm
I only send runners when they’ll be out. Besides I’m too small to see that Dunn kicked the ball in the corner.
I need to be shot.
D Lee
on April 16, 2004 at 5:01 pm
Prepare to have your parade rained upon. Big time.
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:02 pm
I am good. Maybe after they take my arms off, I will get a movie too.
D. Lee
on April 16, 2004 at 5:02 pm
Is now a good time for a home run?
nah.
D Lee
on April 16, 2004 at 5:02 pm
See that, how I swing at garbage? I’ve been working with Gonzo.
Ramon Martinez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:02 pm
Do I get to bat again?
Sammy Sosa
on April 16, 2004 at 5:03 pm
Derek, make fans happy. get a base hit.
D Lee
on April 16, 2004 at 5:03 pm
I can walk though.
Michael Barrett
on April 16, 2004 at 5:03 pm
oh god oh god oh god i hope i don’t have to come up with the game on the line oh god
Bucker
on April 16, 2004 at 5:03 pm
See? I own this game. Bow before me.
CB Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 5:03 pm
I’m light a nightmare.
I just get worse and worse.
D Lee
on April 16, 2004 at 5:04 pm
Or not. This ump blows.
Hue Hollins
on April 16, 2004 at 5:04 pm
I think CB’s doing a nice job.
Ron Santo
on April 16, 2004 at 5:05 pm
Jane, I am a powerful man. It’s not just my car either, baby.
The Farns
on April 16, 2004 at 5:05 pm
Don’t worry. I can put this baby to rest.
On the other hand, Mercker can still pitch since his spot in the order passed with him still in it.
Justin Klemm
on April 16, 2004 at 5:05 pm
I can’t wait until I can join CB Buckner and Joe West on a crew.
Angel Hernandez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:06 pm
Can’t I have a spot on the crew, Justin? I tossed Steve McMichael out of a baseball game once.
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:07 pm
A couple days ago I had no homeruns and no rbis and now I am king of hitting and defense.
Eramis
on April 16, 2004 at 5:07 pm
I think I’ll wear a Cubs hat on my Cooperstown plaque.
A Ram
on April 16, 2004 at 5:08 pm
This is the best game I’ve ever played. Winning is fung. Fung is winning. Wasted efforts are not so fung.
Todd Jones
on April 16, 2004 at 5:08 pm
I can win it for you, Cubs fans!
The Farns
on April 16, 2004 at 5:09 pm
How’d you like that 1-2 pitch. I love to hang the slider. Especially when a guy’s late on my fastball.
Wily Mo Pena
on April 16, 2004 at 5:09 pm
Had that extra biscuit today.
Steve Stone
on April 16, 2004 at 5:09 pm
Farns,
That’s what I just said!
The Farns
on April 16, 2004 at 5:10 pm
I’ve always wanted to lead the league in homers…
…allowed.
The Farns
on April 16, 2004 at 5:10 pm
I’m an every other year guy. Next year you guys are gonna be glad to have me.
Bret Saberhagen
on April 16, 2004 at 5:11 pm
Did someone mention me?
Umpires
on April 16, 2004 at 5:11 pm
We’re doing a really good job today.
Todd Walker
on April 16, 2004 at 5:11 pm
I show the ump the ball with a big brick skid mark on it (no Pat Hughes jokes, please) and they just wave me off.
This one is for the umpiring time capsule.
Corky
on April 16, 2004 at 5:12 pm
Why day tayke my double away? Day mean!
Chip
on April 16, 2004 at 5:12 pm
All you can ask is that I shut up.
Chip sitting behind home plate, with a roster
on April 16, 2004 at 5:12 pm
Is this Valentin?
Wow, I’m a dumbass.
The Umpiring Crew
on April 16, 2004 at 5:13 pm
So, let’s review. We don’t know how to eat without getting poisoned by it, we’ve ejected two managers and a ballplayer, we just called a clearly foul ball fair before the fans clued us in, and if there’s a strike zone, we sure don’t know about it. Just to be safe, we like to call everything strikes.
That Darwin guy was way off. We’re all still alive!
CB Buckner watching the ball fall into Alou's glove for the third out...
on April 16, 2004 at 5:13 pm
"Home run!"
Cubs eighth
on April 16, 2004 at 5:14 pm
Barrett..Martinez (no, really this time)..Farnsworth
Fidel Castro
on April 16, 2004 at 5:15 pm
I’d have had that one.
Ramon Martinez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:16 pm
Here will be my double.
Steve Bartman
on April 16, 2004 at 5:16 pm
Hey, Cincinnati:
If you run out of breaks today and the Cubs somehow manage to rally and take another lead, give me a call at Hewitt. I’ll race down there at once.
p.d.
on April 16, 2004 at 5:16 pm
10-7 one on, and Stone sez the tying run is coming up.
Steve Stone
on April 16, 2004 at 5:17 pm
I just did it again. Math is not my specialty.
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:17 pm
Just let it get back to me with the men on the base. I will hit it good and put them good to score.
No He didn't
on April 16, 2004 at 5:17 pm
PD
CB Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 5:17 pm
P.D.,
It’d be the tying run, but I have $10K on the Reds today.
CB Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 5:18 pm
Ramon, you didn’t touch first base before second. You’re out.
Todd Hollandsworth
on April 16, 2004 at 5:18 pm
I am CLUTCH
Steve Stone
on April 16, 2004 at 5:19 pm
Hollandsworth just tied it!
At 10-9!
Todd "Babe" Hollingsworth
on April 16, 2004 at 5:19 pm
Hey Steve, I just tied it up!
CB Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 5:19 pm
Isn’t that Cork I see near the bat? You’re out Hollandsworth… Oh, I’m sorry, that was Corky, the catcher.
Chip
on April 16, 2004 at 5:19 pm
"Against who will it come?"
Todd Hollingsworth
on April 16, 2004 at 5:20 pm
Can I play short?
Oh no!
on April 16, 2004 at 5:20 pm
It’s Borowski!
CB Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 5:21 pm
Shit, Reds, you better hold on. Vinny’s in the parking lot.
Corey
on April 16, 2004 at 5:21 pm
I know strikes and balls.
I take strikes and swing at balls.
Todd Hollandsworth
on April 16, 2004 at 5:22 pm
I can’t even spell my own freakin’ name.
But I am getting so laid tonight.
Corey
on April 16, 2004 at 5:22 pm
If I hadn’t swung at the ball out of the zone he’d have called it a strike anyhow.
I don’t know how to spell my name too well either.
I apparently name my children after geographic locations: Phoenix, Austin, Dakota.
Corey
on April 16, 2004 at 5:23 pm
I didn’t want to clog up the bases is all.
Regular Joe
on April 16, 2004 at 5:24 pm
Uh oh.
Reds top of the lineup
on April 16, 2004 at 5:25 pm
Here we go!
Joe Borowski
on April 16, 2004 at 5:25 pm
I’m not throwing hard, I’m not throwing strikes, and I’m not throwing very often. This one run lead is about to be a four or five run lead. Sorry.
Regular Joe
on April 16, 2004 at 5:25 pm
I think my deal with the devil has come due.
Joe Borowski
on April 16, 2004 at 5:26 pm
When’s that damn adrenaline going to kick in?
Andy Pratt
on April 16, 2004 at 5:26 pm
Just like I taught him.
Steve Stone
on April 16, 2004 at 5:26 pm
See, I can’t count for shit.
Regular Joe
on April 16, 2004 at 5:27 pm
I’m just not sweaty enough!
Ron Santo
on April 16, 2004 at 5:27 pm
He’s so bad.
Mickey Rooney
on April 16, 2004 at 5:27 pm
Did I just hear my name? What is this, Vaudeville?
Cubs radar gun
on April 16, 2004 at 5:28 pm
Joe’s throws to first: 9 miles per hour.
Fidel Castro
on April 16, 2004 at 5:28 pm
I’d have gotten that bunt down.
Joe Borowski
on April 16, 2004 at 5:28 pm
See? There’s a K!
I’m overpowering!
I’m tough!
I’m back!
Ron Santo
on April 16, 2004 at 5:28 pm
God, is my sugar low right now.
Joe Borowski
on April 16, 2004 at 5:28 pm
Whew, the ol’ bunt K!
Velocity had nothing to do with that one, punks!
Griffey the Lesser
on April 16, 2004 at 5:28 pm
Joe, you have nothing you can get by me, do you?
Ken Griffey
on April 16, 2004 at 5:29 pm
I guess it’d be unfair if I swing for real.
Don Baylor
on April 16, 2004 at 5:29 pm
Why am I managing the Reds today?
Brett Butler
on April 16, 2004 at 5:29 pm
Did I hear my name?
Chip Caray
on April 16, 2004 at 5:30 pm
"Backdoor apparently not open."
First time I’ve ever said that.
Regular Joe
on April 16, 2004 at 5:30 pm
See? I have Griffey right where I want him!
Joe Borowski
on April 16, 2004 at 5:30 pm
Got it in the mid 80’s again, boys…
Regular Joe
on April 16, 2004 at 5:30 pm
Not to worry, boys.
Sean Casey
on April 16, 2004 at 5:31 pm
Screw you guys, I’m hitting a gapper!
Cubs' Ninth Inning
on April 16, 2004 at 5:31 pm
Sosa, Alou, Ramirez.
Opening Day hats
on April 16, 2004 at 5:31 pm
When do they get to stop wearing us?
CB Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 5:31 pm
Not giving the outisde corner…
Eramis
on April 16, 2004 at 5:31 pm
Too good to be true.
Todd Walker
on April 16, 2004 at 5:32 pm
I guess I really am a defensive liability.
Aramis Ramirez
on April 16, 2004 at 5:32 pm
With Todd at second, I’m looking pretty good.
Sean Casey
on April 16, 2004 at 5:32 pm
He’d have never gunned me. I can fly.
Adam Dunn
on April 16, 2004 at 5:32 pm
Sheffield? OK!
E Ram
on April 16, 2004 at 5:33 pm
Okay, but at least I have two legs.
Todd Walker
on April 16, 2004 at 5:33 pm
What, I’m supposed to cover second base?
Joe Borowski
on April 16, 2004 at 5:34 pm
Just pitching around some guys…
Regular Joe
on April 16, 2004 at 5:34 pm
I’m going to throw to this spot, maybe he’ll call it a strike, eventually.
Bucknor
on April 16, 2004 at 5:34 pm
Strike zones are tricky business. You civilians wouldn’t understand that.
Chip
on April 16, 2004 at 5:34 pm
"Nowhere to put him…"
Joe Borowski
on April 16, 2004 at 5:35 pm
Why won’t you give me that? I’ll keep trying until you do.
Joe Borowski's hat
on April 16, 2004 at 5:35 pm
I feel like Joe’s sweaty enough now.
Brian
on April 16, 2004 at 5:36 pm
Let’s fucking win this game.
Sammy
on April 16, 2004 at 5:36 pm
Fine, I’ll end the top of the ninth and then lead off the bottom with a jack.
Buddy.
Joe Borowski
on April 16, 2004 at 5:36 pm
Stop criticizing me!
I got them out didn’t I?
Mike Wuertz
on April 16, 2004 at 5:38 pm
You know, in retrospect, I may have cost us the game.
CB Bucknor
on April 16, 2004 at 5:38 pm
So did I.
Sergio
on April 16, 2004 at 5:40 pm
Not me, though.
Grown man with a glove
on April 16, 2004 at 5:41 pm
Hah! Did you see me catch that ball and keep it away from that little girl!
I rock!
CB Buckner
on April 16, 2004 at 5:41 pm
Good God
Sammy!
on April 16, 2004 at 5:41 pm
Told you.
Buddy.
Sammy Sosa
on April 16, 2004 at 5:41 pm
No worries buddies!
Take that CB and the Reds!
Brian
on April 16, 2004 at 5:41 pm
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sox Fan
on April 16, 2004 at 5:41 pm
Sammy only hits meaningless homers in blowouts.
Moises
on April 16, 2004 at 5:42 pm
Yawn.
Cubs win.
Moises Alou
on April 16, 2004 at 5:42 pm
i am fucking god
First place
on April 16, 2004 at 5:42 pm
Welcome back, Cubs.
Dominican Republic
on April 16, 2004 at 5:42 pm
this win is courtesy of us!
Chip
on April 16, 2004 at 5:44 pm
The Cubs beat the "supposedly invincible Reds bullpen".
Well, I’m the only one who thought they were invincible.
E-ramis
on April 16, 2004 at 5:46 pm
I’d have done it if Moises didn’t.
So, I’ll just do it tomorrow.
Yeah, I really miss Pissburgh.
Dave Lockhart
on April 16, 2004 at 5:47 pm
Cha-Ching
Allstate
on April 16, 2004 at 5:48 pm
Why in the hell are we giving money away to a guy from Lake Bluff?
Dave Lockhart
on April 16, 2004 at 5:50 pm
Meet me at the Wild Horse. WGN gave me 2000 singles, baby.
Crazy Horse
on April 16, 2004 at 5:53 pm
Actually, it’s the Crazy Horse Too.
Sammy Sosa
on April 16, 2004 at 5:54 pm
Sorry, Sox Fan, I hit them when they count every once in awhile too.
Non-Crazy Horse Attendee
on April 16, 2004 at 6:01 pm
Sorry for being dumb.
Associated Press
on April 16, 2004 at 6:06 pm
Here’s my first take on the Cubs-Reds game. You can tell I have a great sense of news judgment with this lede:
"Cubs manager Dusty Baker became irate and was ejected in the bottom of the seventh inning Friday after umpires ruled the Cubs batted out of turn because the crew hadn’t been informed of a switch in the batting order.
The Cubs went on to beat the Reds 11-10 on back-to-back homers by Sammy Sosa and Moises Alou in the bottom of the ninth. Sosa’s home run tied him with Ernie Banks for most homers by a Cub with 512."
Raul Mondesi
on April 16, 2004 at 6:11 pm
I knew the Pirates were cutting salary, but this is ridiculous!
But immediately upon this I observed that, whilst I thus wished to think that all was false, it was absolutely necessary that I, who thus thought, should be somewhat; and as I observed that this truth, I think, therefore I am, was so certain and of such evidence that no ground of doubt, however extravagant, could be alleged by the sceptics capable of shaking it, I concluded that I might, without scruple, accept it as the first principle of the philosophy of which I was in search. by texas holdem
TAKE COVER!! Today is a Chip Caray Assclown Alert Day! All indicators point to SEVERE! If you find yourself within earshot of this severe assclown, turn off the TV, and follow the game with your friends at Desipio!
BTW, WTF IS a Desipio?
That is all.
Well the grass is green and so is the Meat Tray. Look for Aaron to very effectively harangue the Cubs’ hitters today while Dunn and Kearns put a few over the brown ivy.
Hey Sloth, I’m only 15 but I know how the young ones turn you on.
Freak.
…damn laws…
Hey, look! Mark Prior threw 20 pitches off a mound today. reported no soreness.
Yeah, looks like Tommy John surgery to me.
Reporting to duty as requested, sir.
Did I hear my name?
Well, where the f–k are you, Steph?
With dogs you only have to wait till they are 3 years old so you don’t get into trouble, Sloth. You might try that.
Steph, you’re legal here. C’mon over.
WOOF!
That was my dog.
It’s going to be very exciting on AM1000 this year.
Specifically, Ryno, it was a golden lab retriever.
I know about these things.
Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom now. Won’t be long…
I know what he means when he says it won’t be long.
You know I said Edgar would be our short stop next year. Watch out Edgar we don’t play that way in the Cubs Locker Room, even though that type of behavior happens all around the neighborhood surrounding the ballpark.
Well, if I were Jim Edmonds, I wouldn’t want to touch Missouri women, neither. He’s just gotta stay away from them dogs. Some of them are on leashes, and can’t get away. That’s just wrong.
All of you have watched the movie Major League right? Well know you know how we got our team off to a winning season? We have a cardboard cut out of Marge Schott each time we win a game we remove one of the 162 articles of clothing on the cut out. Look at what that cut out has done already. This was a term in Marge’s will.
Hey guys!
Check out my column on the new Page 2 and let me know what you think!
I like the fat women in Missouri.
Yeah, me too! You go, Julian…
Missouri women kick butt.
Hey, one-ball? Am I the only one that couldn’t read your page, since both the foreground and background were black?
If you’re gonna blog with the big boys, make sure to contrast, my man.
Hey Sloth, you knucklehead — I write columns, not a blog. You do know the difference, don’t you?
These things are cool.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/features/statpack
For those of you scoring at home, nice job. For those of you not scoring at home, there’s always masturbation.
Why were we wearing Cubs jerseys in the open? Are we in the bullpen today?
Raise your hand if you’re pissed to be stuck working indoors today!
Yeah, you get paid, I don’t. Other than that, no.
84 degrees and stuck at work!!
Why did I get dropped in the batting order?
Today is the last day of 2004 when the Cubs will not be in first place.
Gonzo — If I could have batted you 10th, I would have.
Here we go…
You suckahs are lucky I’m benched today. ‘Cuz if I ever lay bat on ball, there’s gonna be trouble.
2 batters, 2 hits, not good Meat Tray.
3-0 coming up…
Doh!
Meat Tray is really struggling here folks. Come on Sergio.
I got nuthin’.
I would have had that.
*Ring ring*
Thats what last Saturday was for Meat Tray
*Ring ring* louder
*Splinter splinter shatter*
Umm I’m over here!!
"Yeah, I can rebound."
I got an out!
I spelled my first two names wrong.
What are the odds of that?
Sergio almost out of it… Come on.
Wily Mo, he’s a vegitarian.
Wily Mo, Wily Mo….
Straight ball I heet very much. Curve ball, bat very afraid.
That may well have been my first major-league walk.
Hey, it’s me! Corky!
How do you walk Willie Mo Pena?
Longest one ever.
A latin word meaning "To make an ass of one’s self."
And Chippie sez "A very good job by Sergio to get out of this" Is he the biggest dummie in sports?
w-e-a-k
"I’m just trying to find the release point, trying to find my mechanics right now. It didn’t hurt today. Hopefully it doesn’t hurt tomorrow."
What are the odds that I’d throw out the first pitch wearing a shirt that says "Life Goes On" and Corky would be catching for the Reds?
29 pitches in the first inning…wake up the bullpen!
I know Mark Prior threw off a mound for the second time in three days, but he didn’t throw as hard as I wanted him to, so his elbow’s shot.
The Cubs are LYING!
Damnit, my pants are on fire again.
Sergio gets the grounder…
Offense coming up.
I hope I don’t haarang too may curve balls today.
Is anybody watching the game on TV? Just wondering if they’re hitting the ball hard off of Mitre…
I swing. I miss. I suck.
If you consider line drives screaming off the bats hard, then yes.
Time to ground out to short…
Bases loaded for E-Ramis.
Actually I’ll go the other way
I got ALL of that one.
It bothers me that our fastest player didn’t score from 2nd on a single…
This RBI stuff is easy.
2-1 Reds.
A blooper that fell in, and the Cub’s were lucky that Sosa got to second on it.
For those of you listening to the radio….Doues Dunn play a shallow leftfield?
If Wily Mo weren’t so fat, he’d have caught that single. That’s why I didn’t score, I didn’t know who much Wily ate for breakfast.
Which was, "everything."
Gotcha, p.d., I guess I’m just looking to hammer on Wendell whenver I get the opportunity.
Time to kill this rally.
5-4-3.
E-Ramis brings a run in but Lee then hits into a double play.
2-1 Reds after 1.
I didn’t get enough time to warm up
What do Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin have in common?
They were the last white guys to have those names.
You got that right, Weezy.
We need more close-ups of Eastwood and Lee Marvin, dammit. And a kickin’ soundtrack, replete with violins and such.
1-2-3 inning, maybe the kid has settled down a little?
Hey! I quit my job so I don’t have time to surf the web anymore. What’s going on around here?
Good to see everyone, I’ll be serving as Mitre’s over/under today…any takers?
This just in…
I still suck.
Hi!
-from the Bat of Alex Gonzalez
Can someone in tights please do a triple flip up to the press box and punt Jesse White out of the radio booth?
You will never confuse me with Ron Santo as a questioner…I guess that driver’s license scam won’t be covered during today’s in-game chat on WGN…
This just in I still suck, film at 11.
Alex Gonzalez: You suck.
He swings at ball one but doesn’t on strike three.
Yikes.
Hey! Only people wearing #20 on their backs are supposed to do that!
By the way… what’s the over/under on Pat’s Nature Call? I’m going with top of the fifth.
I run bases like I’m a White Sock.
To recap — a fun game to play in the backyard when you’re 6 years old…not fun when it happens to you in a major league game…
Uh, I was the SOS during the license scam.
Uh, "alleged" license scam.
Jesse was still tumbling.
My side effects include a runny *nose*?
Where the fuck was I going?
Come play wid us mang! You rung like we’s do! It’s fung!
Chuck, they really DID send your ass packing?
For chrissakes, why do they hit the ball right back at me so much?
Home free with 2 weeks pay! new job starts the 26th.
Dammit, what happened now? Yahoo has ended the inning with only 2outs recorded…
Hey! I guess that makes me Todd Hundley.
They keep hitting my "gordo" pitch. Why does Rothschild keep calling it that?
Wow, not only do I not hit my weight, now I’m short-arming grounders and costing us runs! I’m the best!
Yep, I’m servin’ it up! You could almost say I’m all Dunn!
Four runs will not win this game…for the Cubs. You guys gonna need to score fifteen, sixteen to win, once I’m through.
I cannot throw…a lick.
I can’t believe that we don’t have anybody, ANYBODY in our farm system that could play a worse shortstop than Alex. The guy is finished. Let the Jose Marcias era begin!
Life may go on, but I sure ended that inning.
Anyone else sick of the Pepsi/hot dog commercial yet?
Rotoworld.com on our shortstop:
"Gonzalez is off to a 6-for-30 start, but there’s little chance of him losing his starting job. Once he breaks out of his slump and returns to being the mediocre hitter he usually is, his glove will make him an asset."
WTF?
Not to worry. When I come off the DL, they won’t be able to get Walker’s bat out of the lineup so I’ll play short.
I could be worse! Pick Me!
Not good. Just not good.
How much for court costs to change my name to Korey?
Patterson and Lee are destroying my fantasy team…
And Sammy is K-ed once more.
No CT, I’m destroying your fantasy team.
We’re getting Harang’s bust ready. The way the Cubs are making him look, he’ll be in here by the end of the year.
Can someone else circle the bases for me? I’m sleepy.
I just got busted alright.
That ball was beaten like a red headed step child.
I heet ball very far
"Back to back jacks!"
A-Ram beat that ball like a me.
This just in, I’m really fucking good.
I guess that back to back homer promotion has worked out pretty well for us this year.
I just won $1K thanks to those back to backs!
Um yeah, that’s it.
True fact: I played little league on a team sponsored by Lockhart’s Sporting Goods in LaGrange back in the early 80s. And old man Lockhart had a son named Dave.
My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
Now that I’m in charge of construction of the new Trump Tower on Wabash, I guess I’ll have to oversee demolition of the Sun-Times building. Any chance I can do it while Carol Slezak and Jay Mariotti are still in the newsroom?
Look out, it’s old lady Simpson!
I sleep in the building, so you can kill me, too. Nobody will ever notice.
LaGrange! Hey buddy, I went to good old LaGrange High! Surely then you agree with me, that Dusty needs to give Patterson at least 3 days notice that he’s going to be in the starting lineup.
Have I caught a pitch yet?
Uh, no.
There’s no such thing as me.
I’m the most powerful lesbian in Chicago!
Other than Jay Mariotti.
"Aaron Harang" sounds like a Chinese guy saying "Orangutan."
I own Aaron Harange!
Twelve ribs my ass
For godsake, we’ve got to get more runs, it’s only a matter of time before we get into the dreaded REDS BULLPEN!
79 pitches, 4 innings!
I’m glad Greg is around to tutor me.
Se habla English?
That’s right Sergio, just like we taught you.
I’ll be throwing curveballs Monday.
I’ll be on the mound May 15 at San Diego.
He;s Lying! He’ll be on Andrew’s operating table by May 1st! Liar, Liar Liar!
Do I have an hermano named Jorge?
Ofman, shut the phuck up before I beat your scrawny wine-sipping ass.
Is anyone else sick of the Old Style radio commercial yet?
I prefer to be called a male madame.
This just in from Under the Knife @ baseball prosectus:
The Astros can overcome one injury to their pitching staff without much problem. They have depth to burn. It’s possible that they could even overcome two major injuries, as long as they don’t have significant overlap. Andy Pettitte’s already on the shelf with a minor elbow problem, but Wade Miller is likely to follow if he has many more outings like Wednesday’s. Going 121 pitches with a strike rate just over 50% is bad news. Sources that saw the game say that Miller looked completely out of sync, but that the big lead he was staked to allowed him to be cute with his pitches. Watch his next outing closely. It would be smart in situations like this to drop in a "sixth starter" to give Miller–or any pitcher coming off a high-stress outing–an extra day’s rest
Hey, guys, see how good Paulie has been doing since I started letting him corn-hole me?
I wouldn’t do it before, because I had to go to the station, and stuff, and it would be hard for me to sit for hours at a time, and sometimes, I would have embarassing accidents due to lack of control.
Quitting my job was the bestest thing ever!
That was dumb of me.
Hey guys! I’m back! Did you forget about me! Ha! Ha!
Nice job by Waving Wendell – Walker was only out by 60 feet!
Go Home Go Home!!!
I should’ve pulled a Costanza.
Can someone check and see if http://www.firewendellkim.com is taken?
I’m in need of a new occupant
What, take your shirt off and take a dump?
Walker wasn’t the only one who got the runs by Wavin’ Wendell.
They keep putting me out there even though my fluke hot streak has long since ceased to be. It’s costing you ball games, but oh well. Guess you should have a smarter manager.
Why hasn’t anyone mentioned my ejection yet? That will be a key to the ball game!
Bringing in Wuertz today is the best decision I’ve made since I brought in Pratt in Atlanta.
Or bringing me in yesterday…
Anyone seen my Sun Times?
By the way, Dusty, how long till Wuertz and I can be Iowa buddies? Oh man, you see the Barrett guy’s throw? He throws like me!
I guess I’m going to have to get those runs back.
I am a Hall of Famer.
We’re winning the whole damn thing because the North Side will find a way to throw it away…
I’m a minor league piece of shit losing games for a World Series contender! I bet you fans are all thrilled with me.
single, homer, single, homer, line drive out to Alou…
I do not exist in the NL West, NL Central, or AL Central.
Junior, you’ll be on the DL by June.
Hey, I’m batting .200, then. That’s better than our shortstop.
CT, you better hope so, ‘cuz for now I’ve got the Cubs number.
I Dunn been walked. Here comes Weeniemeyer!
Did Pat fall in? Andy’s killing me.
Hey, Mike. Nice job man. That guy on the street almost caught that bomb.
By the way, the clubhouse is over this way and then there’s a bus that will take you to Des Moines.
Mike,
You want me to pass along the bus schedule to Des Moines?
I guess as my brother Loaf said: "Two out of Three Ain’t Bad."
Actually, we’re the two best teams in the NL, when we’re at full strength. The Marlins are riding a couple hot pitchers and a spate of games against Montreal (10 runs in 9 games) and Philly (who was struggling mightily at the plate at the time), and will come back to earth shortly.
Where on earth am I?
Hey, Mike, hold up! I might need to hitch a ride with ya!
Where’s earth? Montreal’s a great team with Raines, Dawson and Ellis Valentine in the outfield and Steve Rogers and Charlie Lea on the hill.
And Dick Williams is one hell of a manager.
Ron,
Why are you posting as me? Poser.
Back to the drawing board…where the hell is Remlinger?
Hey Kreskin, we’re the class of the NL. Deal wit’ it.
We’re of no use when Dusty puts in the worst members of us in key times in ballgames. When the game’s close, you should live or die with Farnsworth or Hawkins or Mercker, not with scrubs like Wuertz and Pratt.
Uh, aren’t we like 2-6? We’re the class of nothing much.
I got a save in Iowa last night! Bring me in. Besides, my brother Mark knows where to get all the best weed.
I stink.
If Bryan Corey and I went to San Francisco and got married, I could be Corey Corey.
Honesty compels me to say that the Reds bullpen is far better than the Cubs’ bullpen. Besides 10 games out of 162 is a great sample to base a trend on. It’s a full 1/16th of a season! So once you get to the Reds’ bullpen, this game is over.
That’s kind of like my name, and my most famous work is Paterson. It’s all eerily coincidental, Corey Corey.
Hey Andy and Mike!
Think maybe we can share an apartment?
Boy with all this traffic headed out this way, we might have to add our second traffic signal!
Me, Wuertz, and Pratt are gonna get a badass apartment in Iowa, and you’re all just gonna wish you were as bad ass as us and our apartment. We’ll have pictures of dogs playing poker and we’ll do lots of drugs. Sure beats this getting shelled crap.
Todd,
Want my RV?
I’ve gotten shelled so bad this year I just repeat myself without being aware of it.
Time to put us on guys
That was the Wuertz inning yet.
You know, there’s an osprey in Daytona that can tell you how great my velocity and location is
There’s a blind college infielder in Evansville who can tell you the same thing about me, too!
I just described the top of the sixth inning as long and laborious….
Did I miss anything on the field?
I want to come back to Chicago, I understand you might have some openings?
Glad that Wendell sent Walker, I hate RBI
RBI are great, man.
What a way to make a living.
My fantasy team says "Go Derrek!"
Antonio, I seem to you remember you filling your opening with pie at every chance.
Hey Alf, don’t make me chase you outta here!
I’m going to be good, at some point.
Until I become good, fantasy leaguers may want to bench me for the likes of Brad Fullmer and Shea Hillenbrand.
I heard you talking about the ump with food poisoning while I was on the can. Maybe I can use that excuse.
Someone put the Out of Order sign on my door. It smells like something died in here.
Glendon Rusch gave up just a single in six innings for Triple-A Iowa yesterday.
Rusch has pitched 11 scoreless innings in two starts. The Cubs aren’t going to have room for him as long as Mark Prior returns in mid-May, but if he keeps pitching well in Triple-A, he’ll end up in the majors with some club.
I can get out AAA hitters too!
I’m still here guys..Maybe courtesy flush would do the trick?
Plenty of room in the bullpen, Glendon!
I am promoting This Old Cub yet again! Make it stop!
Now if only I could get major league hitters out….
Has anyone heard anything regarding a movie about Ron Santo’s life? Why isn’t it ever mentioned on the air?
And now, the winner in the too little, too late category…me.
I’m the Glendon Rusch of AAA hitters!
Get Prior up!
What he’s on the DL? For what?
An Achilles? Does he throw with it?
Screw it, he’s in. He can warm up when he gets to the mound.
In my day, Luis Tiant had his Achilles tendons removed and he still threw 374 innings one year.
Pansies!
Alex Gonzalez YOU’RE FIRED!!
They come back from the commercial break and I am standing on second. My great double…lost, lost in a commercial. The humanity!
Put me in coach! I’m ready to play.
Now they’re taking my double away! The umpires are taking my double away! Make the hurting stop!
I still havent recorded a pitch to Ramon
My apologies to the Reds bullpen, whom I just referred to as the Reds bullpen, instead of the vaunted Reds bullpen.
Did I forget to tell somebody something?
Make it stop
Whoops, looks like I, Dusty, didn’t communicate my double-switch properly.
What the hell?
What is going on?
My incompetence may cost you a chance to win the game. Go me!
The homers are always right. We’re always wrong.
dusty pulled a double switch when Mercer came in (with Martinez), but the umps, didn’t put Ramon in the pitcher’s spot.
From now on, I’m having Darren handle the double switches.
This game will be played here.
Theese doan happin win i manage, mang.
I will smile knowing that I fucked up. And I get paid for this…
Hey, stop throwing us onto the field, stupid drunk fans. Quit desecrating the golden shrine!
We had Ramon playing shortstop.
CB Buckner will not be invited to my Diabetes golf outing.
I don’t have nearly as many double-switches.
I’d have to say that judging by Dusty’s reaction, that Dusty didn’t goof up the lineup.
I was impressed by him throwing his glasses, the lineup card and his hat. He threw better today than Wuertz did.
Thanks to me.
See, it’s not so easy managing in the National League, is it?
So what’s the decision?
Need a hand?
Whooooo! I’m going to throw my empty cup! Whoooo! Feel my wrath!
I’m 27, I used to make $85,000 a year, but the stock market is in the shitter, my penis no longer works and the chicks I was hitting on all afternoon won’t get off their cell phones to give me the time of day.
So now, I throw more garbage.
Whooo!
Now my strike zone is huuuuuuuuuge.
Man, that was my only extra base hit I was going to get all year.
How do you score that?
Two hits, one out. No putouts.
Hmmm?
Maybe CB Buckner can call balls in Iowa when I pitch.
I hear a Hoo!
Sorry, I puked on the lineup card, making it impossible to read.
If you don’t call me "Sir", I won’t listen to you
Honesty compels me to say that I may have wiped with the lineup card.
Oops.
I should be 9-6.
You score it as Mercker batting. Catcher gets the credit for the out. At least that’s what I say.
I’m the black guy you can bring home to mom! Maybe not dad, but definitely mom.
What I made an out and didn’t bat?
Screw that.
With runners on second and third, and no outs in the seventh! Thanks for stealing the game, Buckner.
An intentional walk would be cool with me.
It make fans happy.
Don’t worry Dusty, buddy. I tie game right here, buddy. I make them forget you no talk so good to Meester Umpire, buddy.
I am a very excellent driver. Dad let’s me drive my chevy on the driveway. But nothing!!
Finally, I’m not alone!
Hey Ron, I need a driver! We can talk about movies as you shuttle me around.
When WGN shows us an HDTV on TV do they not know we don’t see it IN HDTV?
Five minutes to Wapner!
The Reds gave up a lead late yesterday. That’s right, the first inning. I know a lot about that which I speak.
The only thing drunker than the fans are the bases!
I’m hot heeting, today, but here comes a clutch double play groundball. I am very sorry for what I am about to do.
Well, it was ‘late’ in the first, Chip.
Mo, if you make an out, strike out.
I am announcing my candidacy for Illinois governor tomorrow. Buckner ’06!
Wow. That was a close one. If Alou hit the ball hard, how would I have been able to screw that one up?
I’m fucking with EVERYBODY today, I am king of the baseball game!
Well crud, I’m gonna strike out, too.
I’m pretty good, eh?
I am the rbi king, how come Sammy didn’t score, though? Sammy should have scored, give me another rbi, Sam.
I only send runners when they’ll be out. Besides I’m too small to see that Dunn kicked the ball in the corner.
I need to be shot.
Prepare to have your parade rained upon. Big time.
I am good. Maybe after they take my arms off, I will get a movie too.
Is now a good time for a home run?
nah.
See that, how I swing at garbage? I’ve been working with Gonzo.
Do I get to bat again?
Derek, make fans happy. get a base hit.
I can walk though.
oh god oh god oh god i hope i don’t have to come up with the game on the line oh god
See? I own this game. Bow before me.
I’m light a nightmare.
I just get worse and worse.
Or not. This ump blows.
I think CB’s doing a nice job.
Jane, I am a powerful man. It’s not just my car either, baby.
Don’t worry. I can put this baby to rest.
On the other hand, Mercker can still pitch since his spot in the order passed with him still in it.
I can’t wait until I can join CB Buckner and Joe West on a crew.
Can’t I have a spot on the crew, Justin? I tossed Steve McMichael out of a baseball game once.
A couple days ago I had no homeruns and no rbis and now I am king of hitting and defense.
I think I’ll wear a Cubs hat on my Cooperstown plaque.
This is the best game I’ve ever played. Winning is fung. Fung is winning. Wasted efforts are not so fung.
I can win it for you, Cubs fans!
How’d you like that 1-2 pitch. I love to hang the slider. Especially when a guy’s late on my fastball.
Had that extra biscuit today.
Farns,
That’s what I just said!
I’ve always wanted to lead the league in homers…
…allowed.
I’m an every other year guy. Next year you guys are gonna be glad to have me.
Did someone mention me?
We’re doing a really good job today.
I show the ump the ball with a big brick skid mark on it (no Pat Hughes jokes, please) and they just wave me off.
This one is for the umpiring time capsule.
Why day tayke my double away? Day mean!
All you can ask is that I shut up.
Is this Valentin?
Wow, I’m a dumbass.
So, let’s review. We don’t know how to eat without getting poisoned by it, we’ve ejected two managers and a ballplayer, we just called a clearly foul ball fair before the fans clued us in, and if there’s a strike zone, we sure don’t know about it. Just to be safe, we like to call everything strikes.
That Darwin guy was way off. We’re all still alive!
"Home run!"
Barrett..Martinez (no, really this time)..Farnsworth
I’d have had that one.
Here will be my double.
Hey, Cincinnati:
If you run out of breaks today and the Cubs somehow manage to rally and take another lead, give me a call at Hewitt. I’ll race down there at once.
10-7 one on, and Stone sez the tying run is coming up.
I just did it again. Math is not my specialty.
Just let it get back to me with the men on the base. I will hit it good and put them good to score.
PD
P.D.,
It’d be the tying run, but I have $10K on the Reds today.
Ramon, you didn’t touch first base before second. You’re out.
I am CLUTCH
Hollandsworth just tied it!
At 10-9!
Hey Steve, I just tied it up!
Isn’t that Cork I see near the bat? You’re out Hollandsworth… Oh, I’m sorry, that was Corky, the catcher.
"Against who will it come?"
Can I play short?
It’s Borowski!
Shit, Reds, you better hold on. Vinny’s in the parking lot.
I know strikes and balls.
I take strikes and swing at balls.
I can’t even spell my own freakin’ name.
But I am getting so laid tonight.
If I hadn’t swung at the ball out of the zone he’d have called it a strike anyhow.
I don’t know how to spell my name too well either.
I apparently name my children after geographic locations: Phoenix, Austin, Dakota.
I didn’t want to clog up the bases is all.
Uh oh.
Here we go!
I’m not throwing hard, I’m not throwing strikes, and I’m not throwing very often. This one run lead is about to be a four or five run lead. Sorry.
I think my deal with the devil has come due.
When’s that damn adrenaline going to kick in?
Just like I taught him.
See, I can’t count for shit.
I’m just not sweaty enough!
He’s so bad.
Did I just hear my name? What is this, Vaudeville?
Joe’s throws to first: 9 miles per hour.
I’d have gotten that bunt down.
See? There’s a K!
I’m overpowering!
I’m tough!
I’m back!
God, is my sugar low right now.
Whew, the ol’ bunt K!
Velocity had nothing to do with that one, punks!
Joe, you have nothing you can get by me, do you?
I guess it’d be unfair if I swing for real.
Why am I managing the Reds today?
Did I hear my name?
"Backdoor apparently not open."
First time I’ve ever said that.
See? I have Griffey right where I want him!
Got it in the mid 80’s again, boys…
Not to worry, boys.
Screw you guys, I’m hitting a gapper!
Sosa, Alou, Ramirez.
When do they get to stop wearing us?
Not giving the outisde corner…
Too good to be true.
I guess I really am a defensive liability.
With Todd at second, I’m looking pretty good.
He’d have never gunned me. I can fly.
Sheffield? OK!
Okay, but at least I have two legs.
What, I’m supposed to cover second base?
Just pitching around some guys…
I’m going to throw to this spot, maybe he’ll call it a strike, eventually.
Strike zones are tricky business. You civilians wouldn’t understand that.
"Nowhere to put him…"
Why won’t you give me that? I’ll keep trying until you do.
I feel like Joe’s sweaty enough now.
Let’s fucking win this game.
Fine, I’ll end the top of the ninth and then lead off the bottom with a jack.
Buddy.
Stop criticizing me!
I got them out didn’t I?
You know, in retrospect, I may have cost us the game.
So did I.
Not me, though.
Hah! Did you see me catch that ball and keep it away from that little girl!
I rock!
Good God
Told you.
Buddy.
No worries buddies!
Take that CB and the Reds!
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sammy only hits meaningless homers in blowouts.
Yawn.
Cubs win.
i am fucking god
Welcome back, Cubs.
this win is courtesy of us!
The Cubs beat the "supposedly invincible Reds bullpen".
Well, I’m the only one who thought they were invincible.
I’d have done it if Moises didn’t.
So, I’ll just do it tomorrow.
Yeah, I really miss Pissburgh.
Cha-Ching
Why in the hell are we giving money away to a guy from Lake Bluff?
Meet me at the Wild Horse. WGN gave me 2000 singles, baby.
Actually, it’s the Crazy Horse Too.
Sorry, Sox Fan, I hit them when they count every once in awhile too.
Sorry for being dumb.
Here’s my first take on the Cubs-Reds game. You can tell I have a great sense of news judgment with this lede:
"Cubs manager Dusty Baker became irate and was ejected in the bottom of the seventh inning Friday after umpires ruled the Cubs batted out of turn because the crew hadn’t been informed of a switch in the batting order.
The Cubs went on to beat the Reds 11-10 on back-to-back homers by Sammy Sosa and Moises Alou in the bottom of the ninth. Sosa’s home run tied him with Ernie Banks for most homers by a Cub with 512."
I knew the Pirates were cutting salary, but this is ridiculous!
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=1784039
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Wow, the Mighty Cubs are 6-6 after playing a bunch of games versus Cincy and Pittsburgh. Don’t line up for those playoff tickets yet, Cub fans!
But immediately upon this I observed that, whilst I thus wished to think that all was false, it was absolutely necessary that I, who thus thought, should be somewhat; and as I observed that this truth, I think, therefore I am, was so certain and of such evidence that no ground of doubt, however extravagant, could be alleged by the sceptics capable of shaking it, I concluded that I might, without scruple, accept it as the first principle of the philosophy of which I was in search. by texas holdem