Shortly after his mad dash from first to third, WGN Radio announcer Pat Hughes credited the Cubs first run to some “frisky baserunning” by Greg Maddux. And Maddux, as pointed out by the Wizard of Roz in today’s Daily Herald has followed his 2003 pattern to a tee. After three lousy starts, Greggie is 2-0 with a 2.25 ERA, three walks and 17 strikeouts in his last three starts over 20 innings. That’ll work.
So the Cubs come home after a disappointing roadtrip that saw them go 3-4 in visits to the desert and Dogpatch. Their hitting was poor for most of the trip, and the bullpen was bathed in flames most of the time. But after 25 games the Cubs are 15-10 with the cavalry hanging out in Mesa, feeding the horses, throwing simulated games and waiting to charge in from the horizon to save the day.
Won’t it be something if the Cubs are in first place when Mark Prior, Mike Remlinger and Ryan Dempster arrive on the scene? We might just find out.
Yesterday was a monumental day on several accounts. For the first time in SEVEN attempts, the Cubs didn’t lose a series in Busch Stadium. Kent Mercker actually got somebody out! No, really, he did. Derrek Lee has gone 6-12 since some smartass put up a “Good Trade?” banner on the Desipio home page, and his homer yesterday came at an opportune time. Sammy Sosa saved Lord-knows-how-many runs with a diving grab in the sixth, and then homered in the ninth to give the Cubs a cushion even Regular Joe couldn’t blow up. Greggie slapped the Cardinals around, which was fun to see. All in all, a good time was had by all.
Faithful readers know that Desipio already knows why Joe Borowski is struggling this year. It’s been just too cold for him to get sweaty enough. Nobody sweats like our man Regular Joe. He had his best effort on Saturday night, but was aided by a downpour which kept him properly lubed despite the lack of flop sweat. When the weather heats up, so will Joe.
Or, as also might happen, he might start giving up homers that splash down in Lake Michigan. But let’s not think about that.
The Cubs got some bad news regarding the Achilles heel of Mark Grudzielanek. It seems that like Joe, Gruddy’s only ready for hot weather. Running the bases before a game in St. Louis caused Gruddy’s hammy to flare up. Come on, who is the Cubs trainer? You can’t let Gruddy run in Missouri? You’re not allowed to wears shoes in Missouri. That can’t be good for a guy’s feet.
So the Cubs will have to limp along with Todd Walker for another week or so. Oh, woe is us. He’s only hitting .316 with a .424 on base average. How ever will we get by? Boo hoo!
Chip Caray says it, so it must be true, this Cubs team has the best bench ever. Let’s think about that for a moment.
When the regular (opening day) lineup is in the field, the Cubs bench consists of:
Todd Walker — certainly the best Cubs reserve infielder…ever (with apologies to Tom Veryzer and Dave Owen)
Todd Hollandsworth — everything that Troy O’Leary wasn’t and unlike O’Leary, he’s not bathed in formaldehyde.
Paul Bako — the worst player in baseball…bar none.
Jose Macias — just what does this guy do? He’s no Bako, but he’s close.
Tom Goodwin — he’s still fast…but that’s it. He’s no So Taguchi. Snicker, snicker.
Ramon Martinez — he’s solid, but you don’t want him getting more than four at bats a week.
The scary part is that this assortment of crap is, indeed, better than what we’re used to. But it’s still not that good. It’s two deep…three if you’re generous enough to feel that Ramon’s not that bad.
Ooh, pinch me.
Speaking of So Taguchi. How old do you think he is? Take a look and then guess.
Got it?
He’s 34! Thirty-four! He looks like he’s 14. Can none of the Cardinals tell the truth about their age? How can he be 34, when Albert Pujols is still claiming to be 24 (hilarious) and Hideki Matt Suhey of the Yankees says he’s 29.
Twenty-nine?
This guy’s 40 if he’s a day. Plus, he’s Moe Howard.
What, he’s not?
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By now you’ve heard about Gary Miller’s infamous article in which he revealed that Moises Alou, the last Major Leaguer to shun batting gloves, toughens up his hands by peeing on them. Yes, Moises urinates on his hands. First off, if Moises offers you a bite of his sandwich, say no. Secondly, isn’t it perfect that Gary Miller tells us this story.
Miller is ESPN’s urination expert. During the playoffs in 1997, Miller was arrested for urinating out of the second floor window of a Cleveland bar and onto two off duty police officers. It was October 11 to be exact. Oops! Hey, you’ve got hand it to the Worldwide Leader…they’ve got an expert on everything.
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In our open letter to ESPN’s Around the Horn our letter writer made a reference to when “Alan Massengale’s toupee imploded.” Who did we get an e-mail from on Sunday? Alan Massengale. He’s the sports anchor on KCAL 9 in LA, and he wants to report that he does not have a toupee. Well sure, not anymore, it exploded! OK, not really. I e-mailed Alan back and told him that in the future, we’ll save our toupee derision for Karl Ravech.
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Not to go all Peter King here (though it’s easy you just write about overpriced, designer coffee, ridiculous high school lawn bowling (or whatever), and stealing foul balls from pre-adolescents), but Sunday night’s Sopranos was just great. One of the best episodes ever. PKing thinks that Finn is gonna get whacked for finding out that Vito is a peter puffer, but Finn won’t get whacked until he runs out on his engagement to Meadow. Then he ends up in a trunk with fourteen bullets in him and a golf club cover shoved in his mouth.
What is with The Sopranos and lisping? Let’s just say that even Larry Young would call a rain delay if he were trapped in between Carmella and Paulie during a heated exchange. The dentist’s office doesn’t get that much spit.
Two other things, who would have thought that of the cast of “Doogie Howser, MD” that the kid who played Vinnie would end up another hit show, while Doogie is hoping to bulk up enough to start a one-man play on the life of Andy Richter to save his career?
And…just how terrible of an actor is Tony Siragusa that they can’t give him a line? Stevie Van Zant’s wife can handle dialogue but all the Goose can do is drive Tony around in the Tahoe and stand there? Sad.
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Once again, don’t forget to click on a Google ad banner or two before you leave. It’s like wiping your feet before you walk into the house. Or something.
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Seabiscuit’s Jockey seemed to enjoy yesterday’s Cubs win.
The Cubs starters were great all weekend. The relievers? Not so much.
Phil Rogers says Derrek Lee will be alright. Phew! Now we can stop the panic! If Phil says so…
Fred Mitchell gets paid for this?
John Paxson is sorry. So is his team.
Day baseball…day baseball…day baseball. Oh, just shut up and play. The rest of the world has to get up in the morning, why shouldn’t you?
Shaun Livingston regretted his decision to not play for Bruce Weber so much, he’s off to the NBA.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rerun his pathetic “the Bulls need Michael Jordan in the organization” column…again. Look, they don’t need him. They shouldn’t want him. Look what wonders he worked for the Wizards. This argument is as dumb as the guy who called the Score this morning to say that the Sox could solve their attendance woes by making Carlton Fisk a coach. A coach! As if people will say, “Hey, let’s go to the ballpark to watch a fat guy sit in the dugout!” Woo!
The Wizard of Roz with lots of stuff, including that bit about Maddux.
Was I hallucinating or was Jim Rome speaking at the Pat Tillman tribute yesterday? “Rack me! Bury him! Out!”
Underwear supermodel Len Pasquarelli says the pressure’s on Julius Jones. He’s up to it. Though he might fumble it a few times.
Rob Neyer with the same ground rule, rule book argument that we had during our Cubs Live! coverage yesterday. Neyer gets the Wrigley ivy rule wrong though. Ask Adam Dunn if any ball in the ivy is automatically a double? If you can see it, you have to go get it. E-ramis has a triple this year to prove it.
Playgirl TV? Sounds like Karry Ling will need to go stock up.
America’s finest news source with the inspirational tale of a woman who overcame years of abuse to become a successful porn star! You go girl!
So Andy, what do you think of my suggestion that the Cubs trade Kyle Farnsworth for Jose Valentin?
Put it in your hat and smoke it, Murph.
That fat New Jersey slob Siragusa can’t hold my Cal City jock.
I’ll tell you what I think about that trade. "Mmm hmm. That’s right, Murph."
I’d rather be working with Murph from the old 76 gas station commercials.
Even I think it’s weird that you’re considering my appearance a benchmark in any season.
Bless you. I’ll click 5 Google banners in honor of my ERA.
The guy posing as "Fred Huebner" deserves a Frosted Malt for the "Murph and 76 Crew" reference. Nice.
Remember when Murph’s son’s ambition was to work at the same crummy gas station that his dad ran? Brings a tear to my eye just recalling that particular episode.
Join Fred and I every weekday morning from 5:30 to 10, for radio so bad, it’ll make your ears bleed! Did I mention I’m going to see Jim Hendry this weekend, and give him the fans suggestions! I’m sure Jim has nothing better to do than take suggestions from the guy who used to make Ronnie "Woo-woo" Wickers look like the normal guy out in the bleachers.
Check out how I spelled "Chubaka" when referring to Johnny Damon in my article.
There’s no way that Grudz-whatever his name is should take my place when he comes back.
The only good thing he ever did was that SNL skit where all the baseball players came out of the kid’s closet and he hit on Helen Hunt.
However, the MVP of that sketch was Mark Wohlers for calling Chris Kattan a fag.
Me no likey Trina Foxxx. She looks at least 25, old war horse skank. Plus, why bleach the hair? What, guys only look at blonds? Only blonds are dumb enough to do an ATM for someone? I’m sure any one of a number of Cambodian hookers would be happy to, as well.
Besides, I told you guys not to listen to the Score. Unless, of course, your day doesn’t start out right unless you can work up a frothing case of indignation against someone for saying something stupid!
meow meow meow meow I want meow mix be-cause I’m frisk-y meow meow meow meow
I want chicken, I want liver, Meow-mix Meow-mix please deliver…..
Siragusa’s performance on Sopranos is the best by a football player since mine on Saved by the Bell: The College Years.
Chip Caray or a cat food commercial jingle?!?!? Both get on my nerves pretty quickly.
I nominate myself for Best Performance by a football player in a straight-to-Betamax movie for my work in Hamburger U.
After all, it inspired me to endorse the grills that were space-age designed to cook burgers over burning newspaper and whatever other trash blows past at the beach.
Dick, don’t forget your great work on the TV classic "My Two Dads".
No pro football player’s acting tops mine when I said I didn’t kill Nicole.
Yep, they were gay. Thanks for reminding me.
Now please excuse me. I need to get back to uncovering who the real killer is.
Don’t underestimate my contributions to the 76 commercials. Remember my lovable, stammering performance when I met my idol Richard Petty?
Yep, they were gay. Nice mustaches, though.
I was so bad as the head coach on "Hangtime" they considered Dick Butkus to be a step up.
It wasn’t all bad, though. I nailed all the broads on that show repeatedly. Just between you, me and the wall, I had a romp with Anthony Anderson once, too.
If it’s any consolation to you, Dick, I was in a bad sitcom as well, but my acting careeer is Hall of Fame caliber thanks to my work on the Miller Lite commercials.
Does anyone have any copies of Mr. Belvedre that I can borrow?
Was that the show I was on? Or was it Webster, where I played Gary Coleman’s dad?
Yeah, I have a hard time figuring all that out myself.
I starred in the sitcom version of Ball Four in the late 1970’s.
If you took a two week vacation & had no exposure to TV, you missed it.
My substance-addicted cousin was a one nite stand of Michael Warren’s, of UCLA basketball & Hill Street Blues fame.
She was so drunk that she woke up in the morning & realized that she had pissed all over Warren & the bed. So she got up & left.
When he picked her up, he gave her a stupid NBC peacock lapel that she wore everywhere like an engagement ring.
Why the hell would she even want to be reminded of her Golden Shower?
I’ve got a pretty busy acting schedule right now, but I have a friend – you wouldn’t know him – who’s hungry and might be interested in an audition for that Golden Showering sitcom.
Now THAT’s a story!
You can still catch my dead ass in Munster’s reruns.
Proud as a pee-cock.
Yo.
NBC There.
Pee there.
Mike Brady pissed on both of us on the Brady Bunch set.
Yeah, my spot on the Brady Bunch was memorable. I nailed both Marsha and Carol, and I barely had to ask. Florence Henderson practically threw her ass at me.
Not like that cold bitch Suzy Kolber.
There’s been a lot of talk about piss today. Pretty soon the Google ads will be for R. Kelly CD’s.
Yeah, Joe, me, too. Marsha had to be, what? 9 at the time?
once again, reminds me of my favorite Linda Lovelace story, where her husband/pimp forced her in a watersports picture. She had to piss on her co-star, and she couldn’t. So her hubby pistol-whipped her and forced her to lie down to take the spray. Then Linda got up and said "hell no, I rather be the pisser than the piss-ee. At least my self-image was worth that much."
A classic.
I let John Dewan come piss on me every Thursday while I play "Machines" by Pink Floyd. Then we spark a doobie together.
That piss was digital!
Murph, maybe you get a kick out of pissing on Dewan, but can you top this?
When I hosted my o’nite gig at WGN, I would shit myself so bad that the main studio would be roped-off w/yellow tape & the engineers would help me shower.
I met Fred the Hammer back when I was in college. He had 30 years on me, but he looked like he could kick my ass and 30 of my friends. He is one mean-looking dude. He was a real gentleman, but I wouldn’t want to mess with him.
Yeah, but can he shit his pants on demand?
Have I mentioned yet how much I hate the fact there are some Cubs games on WCIU?
once again i just have this problem with this "take a pitch theory." oh i’ve only been in the league 3 years and i got hurt last year, so have some sympathy for me.
i get snatch cramps when i pitch to finley. please i’ll try and get through this game just giving him a couple home runs.
oh no, if meat tray can’t go the distance tonight, i will get clean up time to work on more walks. please let me get in when it doesn’t mean a thing. i speak for myself and my hate club, put me in.
please prior get over your snatch craps and get back here. i’m making a fool of myself. i’m only a minor league all-star at best.
i’m so excited, finally a game i actually can manage. i don’t think i can mess this one up.
looks like we got another winner for the biggest waste in the bullpen-glenden rusch.
oh my, i can hit though, maybe i can be the backup catcher.
I was taking a bloody shit during the top of the 6th, so Pat had to wait until the top of the 7th for his IBS break.
Hey, one of these days can someone tell me how to discern a breaking pitch from a fastball? It might be nice for me to actually tell you what "the pitch" actually was.
when i hit that double, i thought it was baker’s head since he didn’t play me in the past 3 games.
baker: sammy why did you hit that, i might have to actually manage the game if it gets close. you know how i hate making decisions when it is close.
farns: great i might get to blow another one. i just hope we don’t come back, althought i wouldn’t mind walking a couple more batters.
i wouldn’t mind staying in the pen and playing papers,rock,scissors, with kent? oh no, they might call my number. let the walk-a-thon begin. i hope we can make donations to walgreen’s for all the bullpen’s walks this year.
sorry to disappoint, but kent won the papers, rocks, scissors game. maybe we can tie it up in the 9th and i can blow in the top of the 10th. wish me luck.
hey i had a great game tonight for a change. i didn’t walk anybody tonight. but i did lose that paper,rocks, scissors game to kent?
my record in that game is 0-13 this year. kent’s tough, what can i say.
Lee K’s looking.
Gonzalez K’s swinging.
Barrett K’s swinging.
The epitome of the Cubs’ offense this season.
Farnsie, it sounds like your record in rock, paper, scissors is as bad as my Attendance Game record.
Unbelievable.
Hey Glendon, nice job tonight.
Santo’s losing streak in the attendance game is almost as long as France’s losing streak in wars.
Can I empty my bag on Alou’s hands?
That’s right boys, I was dealing last night.
Come on now, don’t forget about me! I hold the NFL record for safeties in a game and I was TV’s Hunter!