By now, you know the drill, just like I did with Jon Lester and Starlin Castro, I one-up Jesse Rogers’ pathetic five question interview with a much more in-depth six question interview.  Today’s guest1 is Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts.

Nice of you to agree to do this interview, Tom.

Yeah, about that.  Let me make a note to fire whoever is in charge of my schedule these days.

Oh, it’s still Dennis Culloton.  To be fair, I did have to push my past Peter Chase to get here.  He took quite a spill down the stairs.  Does his neck always bend that way?

Does that count as the first question?  I’m a busy guy.  I have Bison dogs to move.

No, but let’s get started.  You sat down with Darren Rovell last week.  How creepy is he?

He’s extremely creepy.  It’s his brand.  And to be honest, he owns it.

I have to admit, I very often find uses for rebroadcast, pictures, and accounts of games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.  Is that something I can get from you?

I’d love to help you with that, but that’s what Todd does.

Oh, that’s what Todd does?  Settle a bet for me, was Todd born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck?  He comes across as someone who hasn’t always had adequate access to oxygen.

From what I remember there weren’t any complications with his birth.  But he’s fallen off his bike like thousands of times, and I would guess the accumulated effect of that has been profoundly damaging.

When you send Kris Bryant to Iowa for two or three weeks to start the season, are you going to call Scott Boras personally just to taunt him about it?

That would be a baseball operations matter, and I don’t get directly involved with those.  Theo’s the consummate professional, and I’m sure he’ll inform Kris’ representation if that happens.  If it were a business operations matter, I’m sure Crane would buy an “F-U S-B” billboard.

Why is Crane still around?  Really.  I don’t need the ‘oh, he does a great job on the business side’ because we all know that’s crap.  I can’t imagine any scenario where he doesn’t botch the renovation project and the launch of your TV network.

Crane’s a valuable employee.  I agree he’s a lightning rod.  People don’t really like him.  In fact, most people loathe him.  I’ve heard people literally hiss at him when he walks through Wrigley Field.  But this isn’t a popularity contest, this is a billion dollar business, and I need guys like him.

You need a very public asshole to take all the grief so you and your siblings look sympathetic by comparison.


Can you do me one favor?  Could you revise the bleacher renovation schedule so that the left field corner, specifically the three or four ‘seats’ in the last row near the foul pole, are the last ones you finish…in like 2027?

It won’t be as a favor to you, but I can tell you that the fumigation of those approximately nine feet of the bleachers is well behind schedule.  Even now, with everything removed there’s a funk lingering there that can only be described as the smell you would get if you tried to cook a raccoon covered in baloney in a toaster oven.  If the wind hadn’t shifted during our last inspection, I think the entire stadium would have been condemned.

One last bonus question.  You guys really, secretly like me, don’t you?

It’s such a secret that none of us realize it.


Here are those annoying footnotes.

  1. Fake guest.