His hair is wild, he’s been known to stay out all night being wild, and so why is it a surprise that suddenly The Farns is wild? Until last night (according to our unofficial account) Kyle Farnsworth hadn’t thrown a strike in 19 straight pitches. OK, so that not’s true. But it seems like it.
So the media wanted to talk to The Farns. They wanted to find out what was troubling him. They wanted to peer into the soul of the man and find out what makes him tick. What, they don’t remember that he’s a dumb hick from Wichita?
Create for yourself a mental image of the Cubs press corps chasing The Farns through the clubhouse at Wrigley Field yesterday. You have Bruce Miles shedding hair like a scared cat, Mike Kiley wearing a big “I (heart) Jim Hendry” pin on his tweed blazer, Bruce Levine wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and George Ofman being carried around the room on Paul Sullivan’s shoulders because in that position the two of them are nearly five feet tall. They finally cornered The Farns and got him to speak.
First of all, when you hear the interview the only one asking questions is Ofman, which is always a bad sign. Secondly, The Farns is literally out of breath. Either he just took a big steamer and worked a little too hard to finish the job, or he was tired from the chase and a little scared that the Lollipop Guild was closing in on him.
He said all the right things. It was his fault. He’s thinking too much (though we know that’s impossible). It’s only four games. People need to stop pissing and moaning about one weekend.
For The Farns this was all surprisingly lucid. He’s right. It was his fault. He need to throw strikes. It was only four games (and the Cubs won two of them) and people do need to stop pissing and moaning. I agree with the hillbilly 99.7 percent!
I’d agree with him 100 percent, but it’s not in my nature.
It’s May 5 and people are in full panic mode. I for one, am going to blame this all on Mike Murphy. Why? Because it’s fun to blame stuff on him. He wanted to create a little outrage this morning that The Farns accused Cubs fans of trying to find something to “piss and moan about”. Murph took offense to that because as we all know, it’s his job to find something to piss and moan about.
Upon hearing this discussion, Moises Alou was heard yelling, “Fine! I admit it! Here, smell my hand!”
Who knew that when Julie Swieca quit (a glorious day for anyone with an AM radio and working eardrums) that things would actually get worse for Cubs fans? Not only does the cloying little Ofman have her Sunday morning show, he’s following the Cubs around. What the media refers to as “working a beat” the justice system has things called “restraining orders” to rectify.
It’s enough to make a guy want to bring Rob Goldman back to the Chicago airwaves. I’ll let Karry handle the next part of the Dose while I comb the daycare center parking lots for Rob.
—
Hello again everybody, it’s your old friend Karry Ling. The Cubs lost 6-3 last night to the Diamondbacks and you know what that means? Yes, it’s time for another chapter from my upcoming Desipio Press release, “The Team That Came Out of Nowhere…and Went Right Back, The ’89 Cubs.”
Enjoy.
The heart and soul of the 1989 Cubs was obvious. One man, more than any other, was the straw who stirred the drink. One man led the way on and off the field. One man was a leader in every sense of the word. That man, was Mitch Webster.
When Cubs General Manager Jim Frey peered out onto the field from his luxury box during a loss in early 1988 he sensed that the Cubs were a rudderless ship. Sure they had some promising young talent, but would they ever be able to bring it all together without a fearless leader. They needed a player whose talent was undeniable, whose worth ethic was unmatched, and they needed a guy who looked just like Jackie Earl Haley.
A problem had come about in early July and Frey knew he’d have to do something about it. Superstar Ryne Sandberg, the team’s second baseman and resident golden boy was suffering through a tough time at home. His wife, Cindy, had become enamored with the TV series Falcon Crest. Not only was Falcon Crest a lousy show, but one of its stars was Latin hunk Lorenzo Lamas. Ryne had his concerns, but voiced them only to his closest friend on the Cubs, clubhouse attendant Yosh Kawano.
“Ryne say to me, ‘Yosh, I think I have problem,'” Kawano recalls. “I said, you think you have problem! How do you think I felt having to come to work every day after Pearl Harbor? I remember Ryne just look at me and say, ‘Huh?’ Anyway, I ask him what his problem is. I figure his glove is not broken in properly, or maybe his stirrup socks are too tight. But he tells me something that makes me scared, a little.”
Sandberg described in detail how one day before he left for a game, Cindy asked him to bring home a jug of pine tar from the ballpark. Sandberg was confused, but thoroughly henpecked, he did what he was told.
That night, Cindy rubbed pine tar all over Sandberg, turning his skin a dark brown. Sandberg then told tales of passionate love making, Kawano remembers. “He tell me things that make my lunch start to crawl back up throat. I no need to hear this. All I really remember is that I had to help him pull little pieces of bed spread off his back. Not one of my best days.”
Weeks later, Sandberg became depressed and moody. Domingo Ramos remembers Sandberg not being himself. “I had a rash on my arm and he saw it and asked me what it was. I told him that my dog had gotten into some ragweed or something and that I was allergic. He said, and I remember this because at the time it creeped me out, ‘You’ve got nice skin, ‘Mingo. I’ll bet you don’t have to pine tar it.”
Jim Frey knew he had to do something. He had overheard Cindy Sandberg at a wives luncheon telling some of the other wives that Dave Martinez “wasn’t as sticky as you’d think.” Frey didn’t know what that meant, but he knew it couldn’t be a good thing.
Martinez was a crowd favorite at Wrigley Field. He played centerfield with reckless abandon, and he had star written all over him. Frey was now concerned that the word preceeding star was going to be “porn” and not “all”. He called the Montreal Expos and made them an offer he hoped they couldn’t refuse.
On July 14, 1988 the Cubs traded Dave Martinez to the Expos for Mitch Webster. It was the kind of trade that defines organizations. The Cubs were trading a promising 23 year old for an older, wiser, paler version. Frey said at the time, “It was a no risk proposition for us. Webster’s the best center fielder I’ve seen since Mantle, and if he doesn’t pan out, everybody knows that we’ve got a kid in AAA who’s going to be better than Willie Mays.” That player, of course, was Rolando Roomes.
Webster’s impact was immediate. The Cubs lost that day and in six of the next seven. Mitch brought a kind of tough love that took some getting used to. Frey was confident that once the Cubs accepted Webster for the true leader he was, that things would go great.
The Cubs were 45-41 and in second place when the trade was made. They would play inspired ball the rest of the way, and go 30-46 and finish in fourth.
But that was 1988. Webster would be around in 1989 to prove his real worth.
His real worth was apparently on the bench. In spring training he lost his center field job to Jerome Walton and Mitch shifted to left. A month later, a nagging hamstring injury forced him to the bench and he found himself platooning with Dwight Smith up on his return. In season acquisitions of luminaries like Lloyd McClendon and Gary Varsho cut into his playing time even further.
But Frey has no regrets. “What did Martinez do after he left us? Nothing. He only got 1300 more hits after he left.”
Mitch Webster’s legacy will always be remembered in Chicago. After all, he’s the guy Jim Frey traded for because Jim thought the other guy was banging Cindy Sandberg.
That’s something.
—
Please click on the Google ads at the top of each page (twice if you like).
—
The Cubs couldn’t beat Steve Sparks? Woof.
Dusty wants everybody get off Regular Joe’s back. But then, again, he’s so slippery, who could be on it?
Moises and his hand pee.
Rick Morrissey acts like any of us care about Mark Grace and Bob Brenly.
The Wizard of Roz says Ken Williams will trade for a closer. And he’ll overpay. Guaranteed.
Is Devin Harris off the NBA? Not if he has any brains.
Flannel Boy’s just phoning them in these days.
Jayson Stark with another exclusive interview with Doug Glanville. Guh.
Other than that, how’d you like the dance?
Well, let’s see some evidence!
Van Helsing is bad? Why, is Gary Cherone still the lead singer? I thought Sammy’s back! Oh, I kill me!
I’m not ashamed to say it. I love Kate Beckinsale.
America’s finest news source on John Ashcroft’s new partner.
Even though she is old enough to drink, I love Kate, too.
Actually, most of the female stars I would take a second and third glance at are old enough to drink. It just isn’t as fun (or shocking) to talk about them.
I’m not ashamed to say I’ve watched some terribly awful moving pictures simply because she was in them.
Which is the best MLB game for Xbox?
Hey, did I ever tell you how back in the late 60’s, a bunch of us Bleacher Bums went down to St. Louis for a game, and the fans always through crap at us, so we bought hard hats to wear to the games, and that’s how the Bleacher Bums started wearing construction helmets? HEY! I think Moises Alou peed in my trumpet!
I have EA Sport’s MVP and it is the best baseball game I’ve ever played. Do yourself a favor and buy it, you won’t regret it.
I bought it and Action Replay ($20). If you buy AR you can download current rosters for all MLB, AAA and AA teams. I don’t have to buy a new Madden this year beacuse someone has already updated the rosters w/ the drafted rookies.
http://www.codejunkies.com if you;re interested….
Sorry, but I agree with Murray this time. Listening to the derisive tone in Farn’s voice while "talking" about the fans getting on him made me sick.
What is up with this freakshow? Has he ever put together a coherent sentence? Everytime I hear him it sounds like he has freebased too much & his heart is ready to erupt.
In 2002 a co-worker’s 20 yr old niece went to a party at Kyle’s. She said the place was worse than any dorm party she ever went to. No decorations, filthy, nothing in the fridge but Busch lite and Cristal, beat-up rental furniture, bad all-in-one stereo system, place smelled like stale moldy bread, no TP, and the host kept trying to get her and her friend in his bedroom.
I expressed my lack of surprise.
No TP at Farnie’s?
Now we know how he toughens his hands.
Hey, I’m one classy guy.
What purpose do I serve?
We have Ramon to handle infield defense, Goody to handle outfield defense. Do we really need me, too? Wouldn’t the hottest minor league hitter in our system, whomever that is, work better for the club?
That would be me…20 ribbs in April. What else do I gotta do?
Sloth, I was at that party at Farn’s too. I met your co-worker’s niece and she said the Macdonald’s that you guys work at is remodelling the drive-thru! Yea, his place really sucked and he played nothing but polkas all night until Chip came by and they switched to Liza Minelli. Chip told her he wanted to send a shot to her "center garden" and Farns laughed so hard he spit out his Old Milwaukee thru his nose.
dude, like you are SO wrong. I worked at a McD’s when I was 16, I’ve moved up in the world since then.
BTW, cuz, did you know that you were three days late returning "9 1/2 weeks" last time? You can’t rent that copy of "Freaky Friday" until you pay the $5.50 late fee.
That was before my big contract. I’ve got TP now. And the rental furniture is paid for.
First off, the funniest line in that was the "shedding hair faster than a scared cat" line about me.
Secondly, just how used are we to comedy of this class when we all laugh our asses off through the Karry Ling book excerpt and nobody even comments on it?
We’re spoiled.
I’m off to click Google banners.
I AM the next Mantle. I can drink a pint of Jack Daniels in one sitting!
I drank you under the table at Winston Salem, Roomes!
A pint? BFD!
Now here is a way better pic:
Whenever she wants.
Why no Cubs Live!?
The Cubs are on and nobody’s talking about it…
End 2nd
ARZ 0
CHC 0
Now that I’m the all-time leader for HRs by a catcher, what’s the record for guys who, um, aren’t gay?
i lost another papers, rocks, scissors game to kent. but i don’t think that matters, because i’m coming in next inning. is everybody ready to be put to sleep?walks, walks, walks,-i always knew i could play with balls and threw balls.
hey by the way, i had piazza over to my dump the other night. he thought the stinch was rather nice. at least, that’s what he said when he got into my bed.
Don’t worry, Fansy, I’m going yard, buddy. Then we bring in Jose Borowski.
thank god alou flew out and we didn’t get any runs. i can’t blow this game. i think i’m going out tonight. the ladies will want me after this appearance. maybe i can get a couple of them to come back to my mold mansion.
at least tomorrow i should have an off day. this one inning has exhausted me. i’m just glad i’m going to collect my millions. i earn about $100,000 for each walk.
i’m sure coach baker will call my number this inning. i’d be really surprised if he’d picked hollansworth over me. you’re right, he should go with goodwin.
i’m sure coach baker will call my number this inning. i’d be really surprised if he’d picked hollansworth over me. you’re right, he should go with goodwin.
Coach Baker needs to figure some things out. Like not putting our only speed thread in front of Sammy Sosa. Like correcting an offense that currently sucks.
Coach Baker needs to figure some things out. Like not putting our only speed threat in front of Sammy Sosa. Like correcting an offense that currently sucks.
"just how used are we to comedy of this class when we all laugh our asses off through the Karry Ling book excerpt and nobody even comments on it?"
Right on.
Here’s a way to correct an offensive problem…Moises Alou could get a damn hit.
test
World Series Baseball 2k3 is DAMN good. The new one in the series, ESPN Baseball, I’m sure is equally as excellent. Anyone who would tell you different is someone who reads BC’s column.