If I were Dusty Baker (and if I were, I’d lose the wristbands…stat) I’d send a search party over to the visitor’s clubhouse today and check Steve Finley’s locker for anything with BALCO written on it.
Steve Finley has six homers in five games against the Cubs. Steve Finley? Isn’t he like 54 years old? Didn’t he once miss a season because of the gout? Didn’t Albert Pujols used to call him gramps?
OK, so the answers to those are no, no and no. But I’ve got one that the answer to is yes.
Shouldn’t the Cubs be able to get this fogie out?
I’d think so.
So the Cubs were shut down by the great Casey Daigle last night. I can see why, it’s awfully hard to hit a guy who throws 90 miles and hour and hangs every other slider.
Excuse me while I call Craig Hodges’ wife and ask her to bring her matches over.
Jennie Finch was on hand to see her fiance again, and it’s always nice to have the cameras seek out the 714th prettiest girl in Arizona for us to gawk at.
I will admit that the mind-numbingly boring action caused me to lapse into a coma from time to time, but I did jot down a couple of Chip’s finer moments last night.
First, though, will Steve Stone ever admit he’s wrong? On the botched double play last night, the replay showed that E-Ramis’ throw to second was fine, but that Todd Walker stumbled and then couldn’t get his throw off. Stone blamed the play on E-Ramis and then never said otherwise, even after a half dozen replays.
OK, on to Chip. Finley drove in the first run of the game after that botched double play by hitting a sac fly to right. Chip said, “And Finley continues his mastery of the Cubs with another hit.”
Hit? Since when does a fly out to right field constitute a hit?
Later on, Chip wished us all a Happy Cinco de Mayo. He seemed very sincere, until he stopped to ask us to e-mail him with an explanation of what Cinco de Mayo is. It wasn’t a contest. He didn’t know.
Cinco de Mayo does not, as Chip must have thought mean a “Fifth of Mayonnaise.” It’s actually a Mexican holiday to celebrate an important military victory over the French in the mid 1800s.
Karry Ling was there, and has this recollection of the Battle of Puebla in 1862.
Hello again, everybody, it’s your old pal Karry Ling here! What do I remember about the Battle of Puebla, on May 5, 1862? Not a damn thing. I’m old, but I’m not that old. But I do have a theory as to how the Mexicans beat the French in that battle. I’ve run this theory past some European war historians and they concur. This is pretty complicated, so try and keep up.
The Mexicans beat the French in that battle by…shooting at them. The French were at their wits end anyway because they couldn’t find any brie in Mexico and once the bullets started flying, they got on their boats and went home. Oh, what a glorious military coup for the Mexicans. Now back to the Dose.
Gee Karry…thanks?
Chip described a hot smash just past Diamondbacks’ third baseman Chad Tracy as “a razor!” Whatever that means. He said that Tracy “won’t have to shave tonight.” I wonder if somebody hit “a razor” at Chip’s forehead if he’d end up with two eyebrows again?
When Jose Valverde came into the game in the eighth, Chip said that his nickname is Papa Grande. He then explained that he got that nickname because “He is a very big man, indeed.” Huh?
After a commercial, Chip said that the Diamondbacks broadcasters (sons of Satan tHom Brennaman and Mark Grace) said there’s some dispute over if Papa Grande means Big Papa, or if it means Big Potato.
It would have to be patata grande to be Big Potato. But the literal translation of papa grande is Big Pope. I don’t think it’s either.
Why don’t we ask Mike Murphy to give the guy a lame nickname that won’t stick, like Verde Grande, or Big Green! Yeah, that’d suck. Let’s not do that.
—
I’ll admit I did watch part of the two-hour masturbatory NBC Friends special with the demon spawn Matt Lauer and Katie Couric. Normally, the sight of Couric causes my TV to shut off, but for some reason it stayed on.
Here’s how pathetic this show was. They interviewed each Friend individually and basically soft pedaled everything. They referred to David Schwimmer being in hit movies like “The Pallbearer” and “Kissing a Fool.” What? Hit movies? Those were hits? By that definition, David Spade’s post Chris Farley movie career has also been full of hit movies.
Katie mentioned the “host of movie comedy hits” that Matthew Perry has been in, and they showed a clip from “The Whole Ten Yards” which accomplished something I thought was impossible…it was worse than “The Whole Nine Yards” which was so bad that while watching that movie my eyeballs tried to blind each other so they wouldn’t have to see anymore. Well, I’ll give them credit, they did wait until after we saw Amanda Peet get naked.
Courteney Cox was asked about how tough it was while she was trying to get pregnant to be funny. I’m not saying anything, but the fact that her husband does every recreational drug known to man might have something to do with the fact his sperm don’t exactly high tail it for the fallopian tubes. They pretty much hang out where he shoots them and eat Cheetos.
Lisa Kudrow is certainly looking her age. Which, by the way she looked last night was 74.
Matt LeBlanc’s entire profile did not once mention the great movie he made about a baseball playing monkey.
As for Jennifer Aniston…well, she’s still hot.
What is the legacy of Friends you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. It started off as a very funny, very well written show, and then morphed into a sort of funny soap opera. The thing that impressed me about the show is that after ten years, the only Friend I don’t like is the one I never liked…Ross. That speaks to the quality of the writing over time. As for the inevitable Ross-Rachel happily-ever-after ending we’re going to get tonight. I might be the only one in America throwing things at the TV. That is, unless Moises Alou comes over, and then we’re just going to spend that hour peeing on our hands.
How much of that was out loud?
Oh yeah, and Lauer asked Aniston if she ever “googled herself.” She wasn’t sure what it meant, but we know what she thought it meant. By the way, don’t forget to click on some googles for us today.
Thanks.
—
Sammy says he’s not going anywhere, anytime soon. Did anybody else catch Sammy’s smart assed answer to a question about losing to the Diamondbacks on Monday? He said, “You know, they have a Major League Baseball team, too. Sometimes the other team wins.” He then pinched George Ofman’s head until it popped. Oh, how I wish the last part of that was true.
Moises is kind of regretting talking “urine” with Gary Miller, now.
Mark Prior felt no pain yesterday. Maybe he was hanging out with David Arquette? And Seabiscuit’s Jockey thinks the guy the Cubs got with Andy Ankiel..er Pratt was Mark Lewis. Remember him, the old utility guy who used to play for the Reds and Indians? Yeah, he sucked. No, this is Richard Lewis. Nice editor…by the way.
I hate Steve Finley.
MLB is going to put Spider-Man logos on the bases to promote Spider-Man 2. I could give a rat’s ass. Look at places like Bank One Ballpark. They have ads on everything. Even the blades of grass say Toro on them. (Much like Carlos Zambrano’s glove). So the outrage over this is just predictable and ridiculous. Shut up.
You read this stupid Rosey interview with Righty Clettitte. I couldn’t stomach it.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say the Olympics should be canceled. Is he in Athens, right now? If so, maybe some of those ruins could just…sort of…fall on him?
Mike Kiley says he knows Mark Prior will be back in May because mark is “happy.” That’s…great? Maybe Mark’s just glad to be away from Moises Alou’s hands?
The Wizard of Roz goes off on baseball. I’m just tired.
Somebody finally told Jayson Stark that Jeff Liefer got locked in a bathroom during a game! Ooh, how hilarious! What do Doug Glanville and Curt Schilling think about this? Maybe Rich Donnelly has a view?
Sure, it’s too early to write off the Lakers…but I’m doing it anyway. I feel so bad for the really good guys on that team like Gary Payton and Karl Malone and Kobe Bryant. Yeah, I can’t even type this with a straight face. Muahahahahahahahahahahaha! Go home, losers!
Devin Harris decided…nothing, really. How about he pay somebody to get that overbite fixed? Yikes.
OK, fine, it’s wrong. But what do we think other countries do with our POWs? Have we become so sissifed that we have to fake moral outrage at everything?
Who drew this piece of shite cartoon, Terry Boers?
And the guy’s surprised it pissed people off? Two things, one, it’s just ignorant, two it’s not even remotely funny.
America’s finest news source with the story of a Heineken promoter who got so drunk he doesn’t remember what he said about Heineken last night.
It was a story that needed to be told…
What’s is up with the impatience at the plate for the Cubs? Anyone have any idea? Is it the coaching staff telling them to be more aggressive or is it the players trying to do more then they need too. It’s starting to really make me mad.
Of course I’m not in Athens! I never leave the comfort of my Around the Horn set in the Sun-Times news room. However, I did read a couple of articles in Sports Illustrated that indicated that the games would not be safe, or ready on time, so I thought I’d just steal some ideas from it, while also flaunting the fact that I know where my hotel is at.
two things for today:
1) If the Chip Alert System is on Severe today, is there another level it can access when the AssTrolls come to town.
2) I’m not that terribly opposed to some of the notions in that cartoon. Particularly frame 2, which frankly makes more sense than the official explanation.
And frame 4 really did happen, as you pointed out yourself.
Did they mention my turn on the Married with Children spinoff Top of the Heap?
Thank Allah for doublethink.
Gary Matthews is using my new instructional video as a tutorial for his hitters.
For 10 minutes before every game, Gary has the position players watch the tape, which continuous loop of me saying "YOU can hit!! You CAN hit!! You can HIT!!!"
I miss Derreck Lee. Maybe I would do better then Corey Patterson. I love playing near the ivory.
Big deal…Has LeBlanc ever had a part in a movie in which he wags his tail?
The Cubs’ approach at the plate has gone downhill since Don Baylor was manager. Since, the team refuses to accept the fact getting walks or moving runners over can help score runs and win games. With a great pitching staff, you need a couple guys who can make contact consistently and are willing to manufacture a run or two to help that pitching win games. The current managerial regime has done nothing to stop this downward trend.
Quick, think of one guy who does these things on this ballclub.
….
….
….
Still waiting?!?!?!? Well, I couldn’t think of one. And you probably couldn’t either.
Here’s what I think: We switch Patterson from second to sixth (Why we have had our best speed threat in front of Sammy for so long I’ll never figure out), and move Lee up to second. Also, I would strongly consider switching Sammy and Alou in the order. Alou is looking for fastballs, and he might get more in front of Sosa. Also, Lee has had problems with the breaking ball and he should also get more fastballs batting in front of Alou.
I doubt this will be done, but unless we make a move for either a true leadoff man or a contact guy, which I doubt is going to happen anytime soon, we’re going to have to live with this offense. Which frankly sucks.
Pierre loves playing near the ivory.
I love playing with the ivory women.
I agree but I do like Walker in the leadoff spot. He actually makes contact and doesn’t strike out much. So I can live with Walker. But move Lee and Patterson.
1) I don’t really care for the cartoon for one simple reason. If your going to satirize something, at least make sure it’s funny for the reader. That was lame.
2) Derrick Lee would look awful good hitting 2nd.
3) Mmmmm…Amanda Peet…..
4) At least put up the good pic…
BTW BC, Todd Walker is a true leadoff/contact man.
Dusty got outmanaged by the Moustache last night. With Lee on first and Gonzalez up, Daigle fell behind 2-0. Perfect time for hit-and-run, right? Send Lee and, even if Gonzo whiffs, Lee’s fast enough to maybe steal second, right?
Well, Brenly sent the pitching coach to the mound, and then Daigle TWICE threw over to first base. Next pitch was OFFSPEED (a sinker or a low curveball). It was also a ball, but why would that stop Gonzalez, who swung at it and missed?
Point is, Brenly basically got Baker to think that they were cognizant of a possible steal/hit and run, went through the histrionics of preparing for it and then THREW AN OFFSPEED pitch. I don’t know if Baker was thinking of a steal/hit and run, but surely it must have crossed his mind. Seems to me that the Moustache’s posturing got him nervous and he did nothing. Had he ignored the posturing and sent Lee on the 2-0 pitch anyway, Lee surely would have stolen the base straight up, since it was an off-speed pitch and Lee generally has good wheels. It reminded me how Lou Pinella made a monkey out of Jerry Manuel in game 1 of the ALDS in 2000 when tricked the Sux into throwing a needless pitchout.
So last night, falling for the moustache’s transparent ploy, Dusty had his gang of fatasses stay station-to-station and, on the 2-1 pitch, Gonzo hit into a 6-4-3. Real proactive managing, Johhnie B. When your team’s struggling, you need to manufacture a run just to get off the schneid.
You moran.
Anybody actually read that Mariotti column? There are a couple of highlights…he refers to the event as "my big fat Greek Olympics". No wonder they’re sending Jay to cover them. The second is that he actually writes "I’m no alarmist…". He’s not an alarmist? The guy who calls for the firing of everybody, the second anything goes wrong? Jay, you’re the very definition of an alarmist.
Walker is a contact guy, that’s for sure, but he needs more speed to be considered a true leadoff guy. Walker would be best in the 2 or even maybe the 3 or 6 or 7 spots. That being said, with the pitching this lineup has you probably need three contact guys, and this lineup only has one in Walker. Grudzielanek made a lot of contact last year, but who knows what he will do this year.
The lesson here is that when you have the pitching so that you only need 4 runs most of the time you need a lineup designed to get that pitching four or five runs. This lineup is designed to get 10, but swings for the three-run homer so much it will often end up with one or two.
Pierre, it’s a fluke that you guys won the world series last year and are winning early this year.
Teams cannot win with speed at the top of the lineup. Until you hit 25 HR & get your OBP up to at least .390, shut the hell up.
BC, very few team have a true leadoff guy (except Florida, they’ve got 2) like you’re talking about. Tough to find a guy with the combination of contact and speed. The biggest problem as sited here is Patterson hitting in the 2 hole. I’m not sure Lee is much better there, he takes some pitches, but strikes out a lot. Barrett seems to be a better fit there so far, as he has been one of the better guys at working the count and taking the ball the other way. Of course, that wouldn’t make much difference in this series, as the Diamondbacks have allowed Walker to reach base only once in the two games. And if Alou could have hit with men in scoring position yesterday, that would have made the difference.
I broke my wrist last night.
See you in 6 weeks.
Really? Guess it’s time for a comeback.
Not so fast, Ivan.
I’m still seeking my first big league home run.
I don’t think a high OBP is a prerequsite for #2.
A guy with with some pop (gap power) is better. The odds are, with a guy like Sosa batting behind, you’re probably not going to walk a lot anyway. On the other hand, you better be prepared to turn on a fastball.
Lee is probably more suited for #2.
BC-Swinging for a three run homer isn’t such a bad strategy as long as you have at least two runners on base. Now if you’re suggesting that the Cubs are trying to hit three run homers in other situations then I think you may be on to something! Too bad Marrioti is in Greece.
No, the cartoon wasn’t in the least bit funny.
Then again, nothing in the last 2 1/2 years has been, except for Moises Alou pissing in his hands. I don’t get the uproar. Who amongst us who hasn’t pissed in his hands, may cast the first stone.
And Patterson in the #2 hole, with Sosa in the #3, is the biggest waste there is. Put the SLOWEST guy in front of Sosa, so there’s no possible way you take the bat out of his hands in a botched running play. If you have to move Sosa down, so be it.
(throws stone)
Yes, I was suggesting that the Cubs are trying to hit three-run homers when in other situations.
Why are they waiting until Sunday to make a roster move to replace A-Gonz?
Chicago shortstop Alex Gonzalez has a broken bone in his right wrist and could miss six weeks, the latest injury setback for the Cubs.
Gonzalez was hurt in the seventh inning of Wednesday night’s 2-0 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks when he was struck by the ball on a pitch from Mike Koplove.
Home plate umpire Charlie Reliford ruled that Gonzalez fouled the pitch, and after a brief argument, he resumed his at-bat before striking out.
"We couldn’t tell, the umpire couldn’t tell, nobody could tell except Alex," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said.
"He didn’t argue very emphatically. … Usually when you are hit like that, you show a lot more emotion. You show the umpire the mark."
Gonzalez then played the top of the eighth inning, fielded a grounder and threw out the runner before leaving the game.
Gonzalez has a non-displaced fracture, meaning surgery won’t be needed. He has already been fitted in a cast that he will wear for at least three weeks. The Cubs will make a roster move Sunday.
Chicago is already without starting second baseman Mark Grudzielanek, who’s been on the disabled list since April 10 with a partial tear of his right Achilles’ tendon. Pitchers Mark Prior (Achilles tendon) and Mike Remlinger (shoulder) have been on the disabled list all season.
Ramon Martinez will fill in at shortstop for the Cubs. Gonzalez was batting .244 with three homers and seven RBI.
Hmmmm Who should I call up?
Me Me Me!!
If Stone & Chipster weren’t so busy licking my nads in the 7th inning, maybe they could have mentioned the HBP.
It was pretty obvious to everyone watching on TV. But my buds never mentioned it.
I hear Chicago is mighty nice place this time of the year. Please?
Best news of the year… Gonzo broke a bone in his wrist and we won’t have to see him for at least 3 weeks!!!
I watched the Diamondbacks-Cubs game on WGN today (having the option of a halfway bearable broadcast), at least until we got blown out by the Cubs. Oh well…Anyway, I honestly don’t know what you people trash Chip Caray for. It was so nice listening to actual, professional, decent announcers, instead of Mark Grace going on about shillelaghs and proclaiming "This game may not be reproduced without the express written consent of Major League Baseball-If you do, we’ll make you sit next to Steve Bartman at his next trip to Wrigley Field!"(He did that on Monday night’s broadcast.) I know you Chicago people were spoiled by years of Chip’s grandfather drooling in the booth and mispronouncing everybody’s name, but really, having to listen to night after night of Grace’s drivel like we do here would sure put any problems you may have with Chip and Steve Stone in perspective. Course, rumor down here has it that Gracie will soon be our manager, which I’m sure will be even worse, although it would please all his media friends in Phoenix. Also, Jennie Finch is actually the 978th prettiest girl in Arizona, albeit with the number one press agent. A final note: Good to see the Lakers going down in flames against the Spurs. Course, Kobe will still have many great stories of championship glory to tell the other prison inmates.
The comparison should be between Grace and Stoney, since they’re the color guys. In that case, you’ve got a point–Stoney’s probably better. The other comparison would be between tHom and Chip. Having suffered through the smarmy, unfunny, chain-smoking punk Brennaman for six seasons, I can assure that there is hardly a difference between the two. They’re cut from the exact same cloth. They’re cookie cutter broadcasters with no real perspective–I mean, all they did was skip down the trail mowed down by their familial predecessors–no soul, more knowledge about broadcasting than about baseball, and absolutely despised by knowledgeable fans.
So, in summary…
Stoney > Grace
Chip = tHom
So we get the edge only because our color guy is more bearable than yours. Big deal. It does nothing to repress the urge to stab our eardrums with a rusty nail file.
Even though tHom is a cookie cutter broadcaster, he still makes only a fraction of the moronic statements Chip does.
Chip is a cookie cutter broadcaster that doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.
This is hilarious.
Must have sound on to really appreciate this…
Cubs Vs. Sox ( is better with speakers turned on )
http://www.spankwad.com/northvssouth
I’m still hotter than Mrs. Prior.