Our six-question series has been such a hit that not only does it now have its own category on Desipio, but we’re going to occasionally branch out and do some hard-hitting news with it.  Today, we talk to a Cubs fan who insists he/she needs to remain anonymous, but can be described as a long-time season ticket holder at Wrigley Field who winters in Mesa and attends most Cubs spring training home games.

Terms you wouldn’t use to describe this fan are things like: friendly, hygenic, reasonable and fit.

So, you ran into a little trouble yesterday trying to bring a sandwich into Sloan Field to watch the Cubs play?

To say I “ran into a little trouble yesterday” is akin to calling the Ferguson riots a parade.  Sir, my Constitutional right to bear bologna was trampled upon by the Gestapo-esque police state that the Cubs have turned Sloan Field into.

Glad to see you can keep this horrible tragedy in perspective.  What happened when you tried to bring your sandwich into the game yesterday?

I had my sandwich: Oscar Mayer bologna, Miracle Whip salad dressing, Kraft American cheese and White Hen Pantry brand white bread; wrapped in wax paper to keep it protected from UV rays, but not hermetically sealed where the seasonable Arizona temperatures might cause moisture to collect inside.

Gotta keep it from being soggy.


I had it in my satchel, along with the scorecard I print off the World Wide Web for every game, a Ticonderoga number two pencil, some baby wipes, my second luckiest Cubs spring training cap, a two liter bottle of tap water and some Depends shields.  I do not seep urine, of course, but that is not an excuse not to be prepared.

Gotta keep it from being soggy.

Indeed.  Oh, I see what you did there.  Clever.

Upon entering the stadia I handed my satchel to a rather unpleasant security person.  That person fondled the contents of my satchel1, and informed me that she would be confiscating my sandwich.

I can only imagine that you were outraged.

I was apoplectic!  For years I have been bringing pressed meat into baseball stadia at all levels without as much as a sideways glance from security personnel!  And now, without as much as a warning, I was being told that I could no longer bring my own delicacy to the park?  What am I supposed to do, buy one of their overpriced sandwiches?  Like a weiner hot dog?

So, you consider a hot dog to be a sandwich?

Of course it’s a sandwich!  It has all of the earmarks of the Earl of Sandwich’s original creation.  Meat, bread, condiments.  It’s a sandwich!

Pizza has those things, and nobody thinks a pizza is a sandwich.

Fold it in half!  It’s a sandwich!

That’s a calzone.

Which is a sandwich.

After your sandwich was confiscated by ballpark security, what did you do?

I called my attorney.  He was not available, so I reluctantly entered the ballpark without my sandwich.  But I gave that security personnel a good talking to.  I gave her the what for, and good.  I refused to buy any of the Cubs overpriced food, and I took my seat and tried to wash the rage out of my eyes so I could enjoy a baseball game, like I had planned to all along.

Then I got hungry.

And I ate seven weiner hot dog sandwiches.

But I did not feel good about it.  No sir!

Then, when I returned to my winter abode, I began to research the policies of other ballparks.  And you know what I found?


I said, do you know what I found?

That the hot dogs had given you the meat sweats?

I found that no other ballpark at any level in any sport in the continental United States prohibits fans from bringing in outside food.  Except for Salt River Flats, which I think is because there are special circumstances because it’s on an Indian Reservation.

That really seems unlikely.  No other park?  How did you do this research?

I went to the World Wide Web and did a comprehensive search on Alta Vista.  I searched for “Do any ballparks in any sport in the continental United States prohibit the bringing in of outside food, or is this restrictive practice akin to prior restraint only exercised in one ballpark, and furthermore would a Native American reservation have special circumstances which might create the necessity of creating unique requirements for the procurement of foodstuffs and the bringing of said foodstuffs onto said property?”

I got no relevant results, which proved my point.

No relevant results?  You don’t say?

I did say.  I just said it.  Are you not paying attention?  You do not seem to be sufficiently outraged, so I am ending my participation in this conversation and henceforth you will no longer have the privileges needed to converse with me on this or any other topic.

I’ve been banned?

I said, good day!


Here are those annoying footnotes.

  1. Probably his first satchel fondling in some time.