Pitching matchup:
Arizona: Elmer Dessens, 1-3, 7.66
Cubs: Matt Clement, 1-4, 1.95
The lineups are in:
Arizona
Matt Kata, 2b
Alex Cintron, ss
Luis Gonzalez, lf
Shea Hillenbrand, 1b
Steve Finley, cf
Danny Bautista, rf
Chad Tracy, 3b
Brett Mayne, c
Elmer
Cubs
Todd Walker, 2b
Corey Patterson, cf
Sammy Sosa, rf
E-ramis Ramirez, 3b
Todd Hollandsworth, lf
Derrek Lee, 1b
Michael Barrett, c
Ramon Martinez, ss
Abe Lincoln
Anyone wanna shake my hand?
God I love Cardinal pitching!!
My favorite part of the Alex Gonzalez broken arm is that he got hit by a pitch and the ump didn’t let him go to first base. He thought it hit the bat. How cool would it have been for Alex to pull his shirt sleeve up and go "Hey buddy, I broke my freakin’ arm!"?
My other favorite part is that it forces the strikeout machine to leave the lineup. Though if we end up with six weeks of Ramon Macias, or Jose Martinez or whoever those guys are, we’ve got problems.
An appearance by one of us means six more weeks of losses.
Why are you guys always picking on me? What have I done?
I have no idea how to spell my first name, but I just threw out the first pitch and later on this summer I’ll be filming the Andy Pratt Story.
Little known fact, if Jose Macias plays and sees his shadow, it does mean six more weeks of losses.
Last night I mentioned that the Cubs bats are struggling, but it’s because of the great pitching they’ve faced lately. That great pitching includes Casey Daigle (twice), Jeff Suppan, Jason Marquis and Steve Sparks.
Somebody, please kill me.
Hey, I play good when it’s hot!
Jose, you’ve done nothing. That’s the problem.
Does anyone else get the feeling that while in the locker room, the team takes turns popping Jose Macias in the ass with towels?
Why are they waiting until Sunday to make a move?
Who does things like this?
Well, it does give Dusty one less move off the bench he can screw up.
I can’t stand the ridicule so I stopped peeing on my hands a few days ago. Notice I haven’t hit since…?
We would all piss on our hands if we thought it would help.
Anyone notice I look like a girl?
Don’t forget about me!
I had a fluke good season last year which tricked the Cubs into bringing me back.
If Alou was in there:
Hollandsworth
Macias
Bako
Goodwin
Good god!
The wind is blowing in. As if the offense needed any help sucking.
Am I sick or am I pitching good this season?
Will someone please move Corey Patterson as far away from me as possible. He’s rubbing off on me.
No, seriously. Trade for me, and I’ll play for free!
See? I saw 4 pitches that AB and still made an out. From now on, ONE AND DONE I SAY!
I wish my wrist was broke.
I try to make the breeze blow out with my swing.
I wanted to strike out buddy. I wanted to swing at ball 3 buddy. I didn’t want to be on 1st base buddy.
Chip said last night that Corey is seeing 14 pitches per game. But there’s no way he’s batting 14 times a game.
Oh, I kill me.
Corey looks at warm-up pitches. someone needs to tell Chip those don’t count.
I’m coming up! Whoo hoo! Look out pennant here we come. I can’t play shortstop worth a damn, and I can’t hit, but wow am I fast. Maybe I can play some second base, you’ve only got two guys to do that. I’m like Jose Macias with hair!
I’ll play for free, too. I can’t pass my physical, but maybe you won’t notice that.
Suckers
Finley can bunt four times if he wants to. Provided he doesn’t bunt one into the right field stands.
Have I forgotten that I suck? Maybe somebody should give a copy of that memo.
The bunt will end my hot streak, and the team will never get that run back. These are tough days.
How’d you like where I set up to cut Sammy’s throw? I went deep enough so I had no chance to throw Finley out. I learned that stuff from Tom Kelly. He’s a jackass.
Cubs you are sorry. Fins spiked the hell out of me
I described you as first base. I am brilliant.
I’d been dominant for a solid month and that POS ruined it on a bunt? If I don’t throw at his head next time up, I need to grow a pair.
I’d 86 the Prior Watch graphic and put up a blank NORAD satellite photo of the U.S. Call it "Hit Watch."
Status: Non-existant
Down 2-0? It reminds me of when my Bear teams were down by the same score. And had no chance of catching up, either.
How in the world are we supposed to make up this deficit?
Is a lame ass excuse. It is code for we have no chance of winning.
Don’t call me Hollandsworthless.
Coming right up!
How do you say, UP YOURS in Korean?
Who’s the bitch now?
I’m not watching the game, but I’m pretty sure that Chip’s talking about 2 out magic right about now…
Watch closely Alex…it’s called a walk.
We sent the wrong Neil Armstrong to the moon!
Kerry Robinson grounds into a triple play, third baseman Mike Hessman to second baseman Jesse Garcia to first baseman Adam LaRoche. Ramon Hernandez out at 3rd. Ramon Vazquez out at 2nd.
I thought Kerry Robinson was fast. How the hell did he ground into a 5-4-3 TP?
I just said Roger Clemens was a great person. I no longer even pretend to be trying to make sense.
Santo just suggested hitting Finley.
Nice.
Honesty compels me to report that Roger Clemens is a great guy. Craig and I often double with Roger and Andy, and during the ensuing gang bangs, Roger is always a perfect gentleman.
You guys happy I grounded out?
I love gang bangs. Stick in me Stoney.
My OBP is sky rocketing!!
Okay for me to hit a 3 run homer now?
I’m scared!!!!
I am the least fundamentally sound ballplayer in the league! Go me.
How the hell do I get a pickoff attempt at me when I’m on first and there’s a runner on second?
At least I’m smart enough to fall asleep in the clubhouse Corey.
meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
Corrrrrrrr-eeeee! I’m smarter than yoooooo-ooooou!
Fuck all of you! I took the double play out of the situation!
We like to make people angry
Hello, Corey. Get used to keeping me warm.
Aramis, that’s my signature strikeout pose your stealing.
Can Hollandsworth play center (seriously)?
These people are making me look stupid!!
Anyone else think it’s a good idea to walk the pitcher?
Look at my oh-so funny review of Busch Stadium:
Which park serves the best pre-game meal for the press and what is the most unique or interesting thing you’ve been served for a pre-game meal? –Ron Deuter, Round Lake Beach, Ill.
The best pre-game meals, coincidentally, are prepared by Cubs chef Robert Chamberlain, also known as the Sultan of Smoke for his delicious smoked ribs and sausages. Mmmmmmm, sausages. The worst meals come from St. Louis’ Busch Stadium, which I like to call E-Coli Stadium for its peculiar smell. Most interesting thing I’ve been served pre-game? Probably a summons.
Why did the entire city of Chicago just collectively say my name?
I am the lord.
put me in coach, i’m ready to play today- centerfield- sorry corey, i want to play and not daydream.
Two on, none out. Time to get picked off again. Oh, wait! I’m not on base!
Hey, remember that game against the Cards early in the year, where the wind was blowing out in gale force, and the score was 9-8 after 3 innings and that guy broke his ankle and the game got rained out? Yeah, maybe we could try that again today, and replay this one later in the season after we’ve aquired some offense from Pittsburgh.
Blown
Wow, we suck shit through a tube. This team won’t win 70.
Is it possible to bench an entire team?
Time to look for a new team.
Why can’t anybody on this team hit a sacrifice fly?
I know you Cub fans would come back
we can’t even sacrafice fly. do these guys understand the game of baseball? the goal is not to see how many times you can ground into a double play or fly out shallow enough not to score runs. will somebody tell these players, there is no top dumbass award at the end of the game given out.
I don’t understand. I told these the guys to swing and anything close and always swing at the first pitch. I don’t know why this strategy doesn’t work?
I’ve purposely kept from posting here in the first four innings so that I wouldn’t sound too negative.
FOR THE LOVE OF F#$!ING GOODNESS!!!
You people are getting paid millions of dollars to play this game and all you are doing is going through the motions! Argh!
Don’t worry, Sarge. Next time we face Vogelsong and Fogg we’ll score thirty runs and our hitting stats won’t look so terrible. Your job is safe.
It’s hard to stay good when your team can’t hit. I mean we could give up 1 or we could up 20, and we wouldn’t win the game. So don’t get mad at us. We are innocent!
No one wants to make a good play because then we’d have to high-five Moises.
You guys suck! I didn’t even let Unit or Webb pitch, you had Wood and Clement, and we’re gonna sweep you?
And Mark Grace is gonna get MY job?
Takemeouttakemeouttakemeouttakemeout.
Don’t worry the Cub fans will get drunk the rest of the year and will forget you suck. Just make the playoffs every 5 years to tease them.
3 run dong cummin’ up.
can you pop out to 2nd and move a runner to 3rd?
I am a truly awful pitcher. Thank God for the Cubbies to make me look competent for a day!
Ron Santo is looking for me hard. He can’t run very far, having no legs and all, but he has tried finding me in a routine groundout, a leadoff walk a foul ball into the third-base stands, and a new toothpick for Dusty.
Is there any other creative way not to score we can use?
Was a fluke
This time I will be thrown out stealing! Or I will be hit with a grounder and be called out! I will find a way!
I am a gladiator. That’s Spanish for rally-killer.
Sammy, meet SAC fly. SAC fly, meet Sammy. Please!
If Sammy gets on I promise to ground promptly into a DP.
Cubs fans are. A…run…has been scored.
We scored!!!
It’s a miracle…
It’s a damn miracle!
and they didn’t trade an out to do it.
I have to piss, Rami let me see your hands.
Now, maybe we can hit a three-run homer because we finally got two people on base.
I feel like I’m on mescaline. This is all too much.
Tie game.
Who just woke me up?
I’m Derrek Lee, bitch!
6-3 Cubs.
BIATCH!!!
How do you like that? Now can we take down that stupid graphic on the front page?
It’s my time. Dolan you might as well take that comparision trade thing on this websit. He Seop, i’m coming for you.
Long Duck Dong?
It’s May bitches
There’s your 3 run homer, bitch.
Mr Lee Mr Lee, Huh, Mr Lee. Mr Lee Mr Lee
Well, that was interesting.
I enjoying moment sun in the very much! Stop homer hitting, Dellek Ree!
â€Ã‰Ã©â€œâ€™â€ •¶â€Ã…:
(They’re still shitty)
this is for gonzo,alou,patterson, or any other bitch that grounds into a double play-i’m 40 years old and still can beat out a double play you panzyasses.
what about my haircut too.
Thank you God! I forgot how to jeer players in the 1950’s! This was getting ridiculous, and I didn’t know what to say in this new century of baseball…
We don’t get swept. But we’ve been pushing it lately.
this advice is for the bench- you get into the game and make something happen. unlike macias and goodwin, they are too busy seeing discussing which league they will play in next year- the mexican or the japanese.
Shortest straw goes in the game. Sorry Farns, you lose.
Take the graphic down?? Hell, I think it’s obvious that Andy needs to put up "Good Trade?" graphics comparing E-ramis and Jose Hernandez, Barret and Miller, even Sammy and George Bell!!
KW gets $12 large per year? I’m better than him! Oooooh! Ain’t this my walk year?
Yeah, BABY!
oh no, we might get the call when they need us. didn’t they see that bud light commercials. farns wants the girls in the stands. he doesn’t want to come in and actually do his job for the millions he’s getting.
Aren’t there two Japanese leagues?
Doug DeVore makes his major league debut for the Diamondbacks. Oh, for one letter in that last name to change.
that you
guys you are working me over too much. if this keeps up, i’ll have to tell my 300 lb. mistress that tonight i’ll be taking a raincheck.
Actually, I’m hitting .315.
Please thunderstorms that were forecast, come in to Wrigley so we don’t have to put in Farnsworth and Company to win this game. Thanks!
You fools!
My Rockies are coming this weekend!
there is only one true bullpen basher. especially one that despises farns that bad. he’s going to lose another rocks,papers,scissors game and will get the call.
Did I really get called up?
Not until Sunday according to some reports Damian.
all the sudden we are the e-backs.
Arms crossed…foot tapping…still waiting…
Sorry guys I came a little late.
I’m bunting! That means you hit the ball up in the air, right?
What is the temperature? Is it Sweatin’ weather?
i smell grany.
I guess that means its my turn to boot one.
Is that good?
I may come out of my shoes on this 2-0 pitch
Ron & Pat were pretty funny just now. Noticing that there have been three consecutive errors on three seperate infielders, they were speculating that Alex Cintron was nervous. "Don’t hit it to me. Don’t hit it to me"
It’s good to laugh again. It’s better than producing angry, rally-killing forehead sweat.
I walk buddy
I swing when a pitcher has just thrown 4 straight balls.
There’s some stuid waiver rule about not being able to call up a minor league free agent until a certain date. It could well be May 9 is the date this year. Or it could be that Hendry is praying to God he can trade for a real shortstop in the next four days.
Check me out! Northsiders vs. Southsiders Flash cartoon.
http://www.spankwad.com/northvssouth
I’ve got options left for chrissakes, just call me up for a few days instead of playing with 24 guys. Who do I have to blow to get a job around here?
Never mind.
How about seven RBI today?
What?
I can come back! I’ve still got my bus ticket!
Remember me guys?
Why haven’t they taken a pitch since he threw 4 straight balls to Sammy?
Stop hitting the ball to me!
Did you like the way I kicked that one? I should be married to Mia Hamm!
Eeet Me, Hee.
Please Mr. Pratt, stay away, our mortar’s not dry enough for you to pelt us again.
According to the hometown scorer
They think I’m going to die and they want video of it. They’re probably going to get it.
Time to shit boyz.
Now’d be a good time to click on us in appreciation of the Diamondbacks defense.
Take the bottom half, I have a case of the Renterias
jim edmonds or steve finley? which would you rather hang by their testicles?
Hooray, Hooray, the 6th of May.
Derrick Lee Starts Hitting Today!
4 1 4 5 .287
I’ve got Finley beat in several categories:
1) I’m much more smug
2) I Cadillac every catch
3) I anally violate domesticated animals
4) I play for the Cardinals
I win this one in a walk.
You dumbasses!
only if his grandfather could see him right now. harry would definitely having one. that’s a case of budweiser please st. peter.
I can’t believe this guy they have singing…Ah lot of the fans, they prob-a-bly can’t stand him…Holy cow…
I’m the only guy who could possibly follow Mike Brey.
By the way, his gnads taste like corned beef.
Thank you! You’re the best! Let’s take this one home! By the way, my boyfriend and the Astros are beating the Battling Buccos 5-0 in the 9th. Yay, Craiggers!
Then his time-tested comeback to Stoney’s line, "Age before beauty" would have been "And beauty was a horse, you ugly bastard"
Of course, Chippy was probably too preoccupied with the snipers on top of the rooftops.
I smell like chicken broth.
BAKO BAKO BAKO BAKO
Did anybody catch me on Jimmy Kimmel last night in my tank top? Wow.
i liked playing ball with grandmas.
1-17!
Jose M. batting average
You thought I was gone…Keep thinking that way…I’m not dressed up like Jose Macias…No, I’d never do anything like that…
see i’m very versatile, i can strike out at both sides of the plate.
i’m thinking about going down to mexico and taking up soccer. it can’t be to hard to make contact and kick a ball.
I’m glad my hostage crisis is over
Talk to Joe Bo about the hottest places for those Mexician Chitas
i’m an all-star when the game doesn’t mean anything. i took that one out of ray fonteno’s book.
Oops that little John Stevens got me to walk him.
coach baker, you even put in macias. why can’t i play?
Actually Kent, when our bullpen is pitching with a 5 run lead, we still consider the game to be on the line.
How did Tracy get to 3rd on a single to the pitcher?
I’ve pitched once since April 19th!
easy kid. todd, you might get your chance. i’d like to use my whole bullpen before this one is done. that way, you guys can take the day off tomorrown and play some golf and drink some beers. i’ve been working you way too hard.
Why am I managing this like it’s not a 5 run lead in the 8th?
Now what?
Do I bring our closer in in the ninth?
i guess i’ll go in. i might even give up couple runs today and try to make it a save situation. you know how i don’t like pitching when it doesn’t mean anything.
i play this game like church league softball.
I thought I smelt piss when Alou came over for that foul ball.
And then you smelled more piss when the people threw pee on you afterwards. It was a very pissful evening.
Now to put this one so far out of reach, not even OUR bullpen can blow it.
5-5
What’s five in Korean? That’s right, nobody knows, and nobody needs to. Choi ain’t never had no five hits in a game.
Hooray, Hooray, the 6th of May.
Derrick Lee Starts Hitting Today!
5 1 5 5 .295
I was wondering why Alou put his hands in the crowd?
Ah, that felt good. End the Bako chants!
Couldn’t I have had just three of these runs?
Wow, the official scorer stole an RBI from me. Thanks a lot, dick.
Mantei translates from the original Esperanto to "Match In Gas Can."
thanks for d-back for breaking gonzo’s arm. i like playing shortstop. gonzo, relax with grud on the bench.
Guys, I don’t know.
It’s only 7 runs.
I think I’ll use Borowski.
I’m tired of you fools talking bad about him!
Yes!
Only Pissman on bench. Ninth inning should have tons of piss on hands
Good thing we got those insurance runs before I came to bat.
i guess i’ll head down to mexico with macias to get in that soccer league.
What is that coming off of Wellemeyer’s arm. Smells like gas.
3-21!
thanks coach for instilling such confidence in me by letting me pitch with an 8 run lead. not even farns could mess this one up.
Of course, when I give up a run or two, Dusty will use that as reason not to pitch me in the next 10 games.
Welcome to the 5 Hits in a Game Club, D-Lee!
Hope you enjoy as much success after your Fiver as I have!!!
4 straight pitches take your base please
or is that Farns
Whooooosh!!!
Am I really gonna be 5-1?
Yes, Matt you are.
That RULES!!!
No one mentioned me today?
Did you see us fly out of Derrek Lee’s ears?
How come no one’s given me shit about my dad exposing himself to a bunch of skanks?
Actually he was just helping me toughen up my hands.
Someone just shot someone outside the Cubby Bear.
I think it’s pretty safe to assume that was me.
SEE!!!! I TOLD YOU SO! THIS IS WHY I NEVER I NEVER GO EAST OF RACINE!!!!!!