Our never-ending series of Six Question Interviews continues today with Clark the Cub, the Cubs’ now one-year old mascot.  Best known for being pantless, Clark fills the all-important void of in-game, in-stands irritant that didn’t really ever actually exist.

Why don’t you wear pants?

My shirt is long enough that it really shouldn’t matter.  Besides, I don’t have genitals, so it’s really not a problem.

Not having genitals isn’t a problem?

[Begins to sob.] Next question.

What exactly is it that you do?

I’m a mascot.  I hug kids, I give high fives to frat boys, I pose for selfies with Trixies and try to not get caught copping a feel.  I go to schools and hospitals and read to kids.  During games, I don’t have much to do, I pretty much stay in one spot, don’t talk and try to stay awake.

So, what Dale Sveum did for the Cubs.

Pretty much.

It gets hot in Chicago during the summer, just how bad does that suit smell?

Well, it was brand new last year, and we actually have two suits, so it wasn’t too bad.  But you can’t really clean it.  You can dry clean it and I think they use upholstery cleaner on the head, but I would guess that by July this year both of them are going to smell like a wet cat died in here.  The worst is during the middle of the summer when you have a day game after a night game and you put the head on and it’s still wet from the night before.  Especially if you weren’t the one who wore it last.

The Cubs banned Billy Cub1 from the park shortly after they created you.  Probably a good call considering not long after that he punched a fan in a bar.  

But why ban him and not Ronnie Woo Woo2?

I guess the decision to just let Ronnie Woo Woo wander around the park, shouting “Woo!” at the top of his lungs was made a long time ago.  People think he’s harmless, and I think the Cubs figured he was going to die long ago.  They’ve let his story get told too many times to do anything to him now.  He used to be homeless, he used to not have any teeth, he used to not wet his pants every day, he used to wash windows in Wrigleyville then beg the different store owners to pay him for it.  The fact that he’s still around is pretty amazing.  He’s clearly mentally challenged, but he’s mostly just very sweet.  It’s hard to tell guys like that to go away.  I mean, look how hard it was for the Cubs to tell Ryan Theriot to go away.

Look, we know the main reason the Cubs thought they needed a Poochie-esque3  mascot like you was to sell merchandise.  Is there any proof to the rumor that when the Cubs finally launch their own TV network in 2020 that you’re going to have your own Saturday morning show?

We’re not even waiting that long.  Part of our deal on WLS-TV this year is that very show.  It’ll be me, Pat Hughes and Dave Kaplan live from a different Binny’s every Saturday morning.  We’re going to have a different Cubs player on every show giving baseball tips, Kap’s going to interview Tom Izzo for no apparent reason and Pat will teach the kids how to make a Manhattan “just like dad and grandpa like.”  We still don’t have a name, but the working title is “The Baseball Bunch, Too: Keep It Down, Dad Has a Headache.”

Here are those annoying footnotes.

  1. Some creepy unofficial mascot who charges fans to take pictures with “him.”
  2. A mentally deranged, formerly toothless, unofficial mascot.
  3. Clark is basically the Cubs version of the Simpsons’ mascot.</a>