We’re in the home stretch of Real World: Las Vegas and not a moment too soon. Have we ever been this sick of a Real World cast? Have we ever been this sick of seven people, period?

We start with Trishelle and Steven, again. Note to MTV, we didn’t care the first two times around. How will this be different?

Trishelle tells the camera, “I care about Steven very much, but I’m confused.” A stop sign could confuse Trishelle. “I love Steven very much, but I’m not sure I want to put myself in that position again.” Is there a position you haven’t put yourself in yet?

Steven tells Trishelle, “I thought I didn’t have any feelings. You can’t sleep with somebody that much and not have feelings.” Those two slept with each other enough to lose feeling in their extremities. “I thought I was the Iceman.”

Trishelle to Steven, “Iceman? Dork. Are we still not gonna hook up?” Nice sentence, Shakespeare.

Meanwhile, Irulan is calling her ex-boyfriend Gabe. As you might remember, Gabe got tired of Irulan’s crap about a month ago and broke up with her. She does not seem to remember this. “I don’t know what the hell is going on with Gabe,” she said. “We’re not exactly broken up. We’re also not exactly together.” Uh…you’re broken up. That’s why he won’t answer the phone when you call.

Alton says to the camera, “It sucks to be ‘on’ when the girl doesn’t feel that vibe.” Huh?

Irulan says to the camera, “He’s slept with all of Vegas. Alton’s a dirty bird.”

Then there was this huge incident in a bar that I’m going to sum up like this. Alton got drunk, spilled a bunch of drinks and blamed it on some random girl. Random girl’s boyfriend wanted to beat Alton’s ass. Random girl bought Alton a new drink. Frank comforted random girl. Alton and random girl’s boyfriend went to the parking garage to fight but decided to get drunk instead. Alton was mad at Frank for not siding with him.

In the morning Frank says to Alton, “I honestly don’t like hanging out with you when you’re drunk.” Alton says, “When I’m drunk I’m either horny or a prick.” Nice choice. They hug. Blecch.

With dawn, comes Steven’s birthday. Trishelle is excited. She puts waaaaaay to much thought into Steve’s big day. She takes about four hours to pick out a card. Of course, it’s hard because she can’t read. She finally picks a Shoebox one with that funny old lady on it.

Trishelle tells the camera, “I want to do something special for him. I took some pictures I knew he’d like (naked men ones?) and blew them….up. I love him. I want him to be with me and nobody else.” When then see the photos and one is of (not making this up) Stephen dry humping Trishelle. How romantic!

Meanwhile, Steven is having lunch with Frank and saying, “I’m just confused dude. In the past when I did this I’d never see the person again (note the gender neutral term).”

Frank says, “That’s why you never date a roommate. Idiot.”

Steven then tells the camera some stuff about how having sex with Trishelle fills a void in him that his wife…er…ex-wife used to fill. He has a hard time remembering he’s not married, doesn’t he? Other than the having sex with anything that moves, part.

Irulan finally gets Gabe on the phone. She’s talking and he’s giving her the “uh huh”, “uh huh” treatment. She says, “I feel like we’re broken up.” He says, “Uh huh.” She says, “There’s like 1,000,000 miles between us.” He says, “Uh huh.” A million miles? Where does he live, Jupiter?

Gabe basically ends the call with, “See ya.” He’s the MVP today!

Alton is out by the elevator playing the fiddle. They don’t explain.

Where’s Brynn? I mean she’s sitting on the couch watching Alton play the fiddle, but I mean where’s Brynn? Where’s our spunky little firecracker? I miss her. She should be go-go dancing!

Don’t give up that dream, Brynn!

Irulan breaks the news to everybody that her and Gabe have broken up.

They all say, “Uh huh.”

Alton says to the camera, “I hve to stop beating around the bush.” Hey, that seems like a personal problem between you and your women, Alton.

Trishelle gives Steven her card. He reads it in horror. Awesome. Thanks to an extreme close up of the card and TiVo’s digitally clear pause, the first half of her note on the card was clearly legible:

Steven,

In the past three months we’ve gone from acquaintances [this part was mis-spelled and rewritten at least twice] to sleeping together (ha ha), to not speaking, to friends. But I always knew no matter what that we’d remain close. I’m so lucky to have you as a friend. You are so wonderful and you teach me something new every day. I hope you have a great birthday…

And then you couldn’t read the rest. But, from Steven’s face, it looked like it read, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE TAKE ME BACK OR I’LL KILL MYSELF!

Trishelle tells the camera that Steven loved his photos and card. “Steven likes gushy stuff, I know he does.” Make your own latent homosexuality joke here.

Steven says, “Let’s get drunk!” Then he says, “Alcohol makes me horny.” They really should make a Talking Steven doll, shouldn’t they? Pull the cord and he says these things.

The gang heads to a bar and has cake and booze. After a few minutes Stephen and Trishelle are making out. Then they literally (not making this up) run for the elevators. She’s practically naked when the elevator gets to their floor. They then sprint to their room.

Brynn is at the computer as they run by and start making moaning noises from Steven’s room. She looks directly at the camera, grins and just shakes her head. Exactly, Brynn.

The night vision camera catches the afterglow. Trishelle tells Steven she loves him. Steven says he loves her too. Trishelle means it. Steven doesn’t. Here’s a tip, Trishelle. If the only time a guy tells you he loves you is when one of you is on your back, he doesn’t mean it. This is the stuff country songs are written of.

Alton and Irulan are talking and Alton blurts out, “I love you.” Note, nobody is on their back in this conversation.

Irulan tells the camera, “I’m tired of fighting it. I love Alton. I know he’s a dirty bird (second time in a half hour she’s called him that) but I don’t care. It may very well end up horribly.”

MTV then wins the subtle editing award. Alton and Irulan get under the covers and start rolling around. MTV cuts to a fountain gushing. Nice.

Irulan and Steve chat the next day. She says to him, “Alton and I sort of had a talk. Roommates hooking up can be a bad idea. I don’t think it’s bad for you and Trishelle, though. I think you have something special.”

Steve says, “I’m confused.” That’s because you’re dumb.
He then says to the camera. “Trishelle’s beautiful, she’s great in bed, but I need more.”

Blah, blah, blah.

Next week, it’s back to the future! Brynn’s crying. Arissa’s yelling. Good to see some things never change.

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Tonight’s the big Illinois-Wisconsin clash. It’s at 8 p.m. which means the cheeseheads will be fully kreusened for this one. The Badgers have never lost a Big Ten home game at the Kohl Center since Bo Ryan took over. Prepare to be 15-1. Muahahahahahaha!

Steve Rosenbloom loads up the gun and starts firing. Good stuff.

Will Jay and Jalen please shut up! Somebody wake me when 40 wins is a reality.

Groucho says the Bulls are following the Clippers blueprint. All right, Groucho. That’s enough. It’s one thing to be mean, but this is cruel.

It’s official. When the Bears throw a party, God throws a blizzard.

One of the two Jakes is already gone.

The Irish are still Final Four contenders. Yeah, I can’t even type that with a straight face.

The Illini aren’t afraid of Badgerland. They should be. I live within spitting distance of it and it scares me.

You know it’s big when the Tribune runs individual matchups. I’d score it Brown-Penny-Cook-Powell-Wilkinson. But that’s just me.

Mark Bellhorn and Ron Santo are going to go to dinner this week. Oh for chrissakes, Spring Training is too long. We’re publishing dinner plans!

This just in: Mark Prior knows it’s cold in Chicago! And people mock the value of a USC education.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut for a tiresome, phone-it-in, article on Jay Williams.

Dusty says he’ll be patient with Corey Patterson and Bobby Hill. (Combined spring training batting 2-20, .100).

The Wizard of Roz says that the Bulls need to bar their players from hanging out with Michael Jordan. You know him, the guy who plays for, and owns another NBA team.

Jim Harrick tossed his son overboard today. Nice. Did you catch that slimy interview he did with Dick Vitale last night? Harrick (Sr.) was asked by Dick to look him in the eye and tell him that both Jr. and Sr. would be vindicated when it was all over. He looked Dick in the (good) eye and said just that. Oops!

Tim the unpronounceable one tries to make a case for putting Jeff Kent in the Hall of Fame. He also ranks the top 20 second basemen of all-time and puts Craig Biggio ahead of Ryne Sandberg. I know Ryne Sandberg. Jeff Kent and Craig Biggio are no Ryne Sandberg. Please be quiet now, Tim.

Frank Deford on the flag issue at Manhattanville College.

Stewey compares Harrick to Tark. Never a good thing.

EW on last night’s Real World.

The next Real World is in Paris. See France, this is how we get back at you, you passivist mo-fos!

Michael Jackson’s manager is quitting. Maybe he thinks Michael is getting weird?

Maybe Chrissie Hynde was drunk at the concert in which she openly rooted for Iraq to beat us in the war. Or, maybe Chrissie’s dumb as a post.

America’s finest news source with a man asking a woman to have an unbelievably awkward dinner with him sometime.