The Cubs have announced that The Franchise will make his first two “real” rehab starts, Thursday night in Lansing, pitching for the Class A Lugnuts. The start means Prior is probably just over two weeks away from returning to the Cubs and that’s the good news.
The bad news?
Last year, Desipio’s favorite minor league radio announcer, the talented Jim Tocco was in Lansing. Today, he’s the voice of the AA Montgomery Biscuits. So anybody who logs on to lugnuts.com to listen to the call on Thursday night (and if you do, really, you need to re-examine your life), you won’t get to hear the dulcet tones of the nebbish Tocco.
Maybe if we’re lucky, Prior will have a setback and have to make a rehab appearance in West Tennessee between June 8 and 11 when they play the Biscuits? Then, we can all drive down to Jackson, Tennessee and say hi to Jimbo in person!
Not really.
Dear The Franchise,
Get well soon.
Love, Desipio
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Regardless, the Cubs had their two best pitchers working out in an empty Wrigley Field yesterday. Prior apparently felt great, while Kerry Wood played catch in the outfield and will do that again today. If there’s no pain or stiffness, he’ll be back on track for a weekend start against the Satanic Red Fowl.
If not, Paul Sullivan says in today’s Tribune that the Cubs should go with Glendon Rusch against the “Cardinals predominantly lefthanded lineup.” Funny, all this time I thought that Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen, Reggie Sanders and Edgar Renteria were right handed? Mike Matheny, too. Silly me.
The height of idiocy comes from the Daily Herald’s always bad columnist Mike Imrem today. To my sheer horror, as I woke up this morning, Fred and Murph were taking turns reading this crapfest on the radio. Murph kept saying, “is this supposed to be tongue-in-cheek?” I hope he meant the column, and not whatever Fred was doing to him at the time. Anyway, check this shiite out.
As you might have heard, Sosa suffered back spasms over the weekend while sneezing. He already missed one game because of them.
Gimme a break, Mr. Gladiator.
People paid big bucks to witness the big bang Sosa and Bonds can provide during the Giants’ only trip to Chicago this season. It’s bad enough that opponents essentially have defused Bonds this season by walking him at a record pace.
Even worse, over the weekend Bonds missed three games because of – what else – an ailing back. Let’s see, Dustan Mohr, his replacement in one of the games, yeah, I’d pay $35 to sit in the bleachers and watch him play left field.
Seriously, it’s up to Sosa to step up to the plate and salvage this three-game series against San Francisco. Take one for the club by taking a couple of Aleve for the back.
I mean, we’re talking about an aching back, not a brain tumor. Every day people go to their jobs with back spasms in their lunch buckets. A few even wear tourniquets on their noses to keep from sneezing too violently.
And every day, sportswriters report to work to write crap nobody wants to read. I’m sure Mike was trying to be funny. He’s been trying to be funny for a long time now. He’s just never actually pulled it off.
You kind of wonder how he got his columnist job. Did somebody open the paper one day and read a game story of his and say, “Wow, this is terrible! We’ve got to get this jackass off the beat. Give him a column. That’ll shut him up!”
But this isn’t going to get Murph and Fred off the hook. They did it again today. Remember how when The Franchise hurt his Achilles and Wood hurt his tricep, how they called up an athletic trainer and had him diagnose the injury without ever seeing the patient? They did it again today with a doctor commenting on Sammy’s back.
Apparently the doctor said that when you hurt your back by sneezing it means there’s an injury there already, and that you aggravated it. So Sammy’s in for a world of hurt now. Or something. That may be true, but it’s not always true, and since you’ve never seen the guy to examine him, how about you put a sock in it? Is that so hard?
Apparently malpractice insurance is so pricey that guys are just playing doctors on low-rated, morning sports shows so they can’t get sued for screwing somebody up. Well, it’s giving me a migrane. Let me see if my lawyer’s number is still on speed dial…
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After six weeks, the Cubs are tied for the best record in the national league. They haven’t gotten there by fluke, as evidenced by some impressive early season rankings.
The Cubs offense ranks fourth in batting average (.274) (even with Paul Bako batting every fifth day), second in home runs (54 — they lead all teams who play at sea level) and fifth in runs scored (186).
The pitching staff leads the league in runs allowed (143), is second in hits (293), second in strikeouts (310) and third in ERA (3.69).
Defensively, they are tied for first in both fielding percentage (.989) and errors (16) and have allowed the fewest number of unearned runs (five).
If you look through the individual pitching stats, you see a trend. Three names appear, nearly in succession in the top three of some big categories categories.
ERA
2. Carlos Zambrano, 1.82
9. Matt Clement, 2.78
10. Kerry Wood, 2.82
Strikeouts
6. Wood, 52
7. Clement, 47
8. Zambrano, 46
Opponents Batting Average
4. Zambrano, .183
5. Wood, .199
6. Clement, .199
Home ERA
1. Zambrano, 0.60
5. Clement, 1.65
7. Wood, 1.99
There are a few other interesting stats. The Lawnmower’s Daytime ERA is a sick 0.30. Zambrano’s road ERA is in the top ten at 2.36 and Greg Maddux has a top ten night ERA of 2.78. Now if we can just get it lined up so Greggie never pitches in the sunlight…
But then, I’m sure Dusty already has a theory about pasty white Las Vegans pitching in the daytime…
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Thanks.
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Go Nuts! The Franchise is going to darken their crappy little park this week.
Ed Sherman doesn’t like Barry Bonds’ Web site.
Dusty’s not sure if the Cubs will pitch to Barry, and the BBC is reporting Sammy’s sneeze.
Seabiscuit’s Jockey revisits the surprisingly successful West Coast trip.
Kerry Wood might be back for the weekend. You might as well make that ‘might’ a ‘will.’
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write his obligatory, “Barry Bonds is a jerk” column. I’d read it if Barry wrote the same one about Jay.
The Illini have a new assistant basketball coach, and it’s Emmanuel Lewis!
Chris DeLuca’s goal in life is to be even worse than Phil Rogers, and he’s well on his way. Today he takes one at bat from last year to prove that not walking Sammy Sosa is good strategy. Dumbass.
The Wizard of Roz loves the Iraqi soccer team! Why, did Ben Christensen throw a ball at them?
Apparently Sports Guy never heard the adage, “Never debate a crazy man.”
David Aldridge loves this game!
You can set your watch by dumbass columnists who think they can save their hometown team by trading the best player. Just look how it worked for Texas! Yeah, call us back in August.
Troy Glaus could miss the rest of the season. Ouch. Paging Dallas McPherson, paging Dallas McPherson.
This is a couple of weeks old, but you really ought to read it anyway. Who knew TJ Simers could be halfway serious?
ABC’s new fall lineup sucks just as bad as the one they’ve got now!
Where are Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson when you need them?
Honestly, I’d be mad, too. She’s not that hot.
Some Germans are dumb.
America’s finest news source with the story of a man and the toll his job has taken on him, evidenced by his photo ID.
That slut Laura Andresen pulled the same stunt on me a couple of months ago. I thought I had the only copy of the tape but Saturday I saw it posted on a NASCAR website. She ain’t that hot, but I had downed a 6-pack of lienenkugel’s and got turned on by that Quickdraw McGraw tatoo on her ass. Thats my last road trip to Rumania, thank you.
For those of you who subscribe to the Win Shares method created by Bill James, here’s how it breaks down so far this year for the Cubs. I’m sure Bill is at home somewhere figuring out how players can go negative because 0 seems high for Pratt.
http://www.hardballtimes.com/main/wsnlteam/
Cubs are also in the Top 3 in worst ERA drop-off when they call to the bullpen.
Starter ERA/Pen ERA/Diff
CLE 4.33 7.06 2.73
KC 4.16 6.02 1.86
Cubs 3.36 4.80 1.44
TB 4.13 5.56 1.43
Jeezus, everyone knows it takes at least a 12-pack before I can feel it.
Plus, yeah, I’d do her.
Although we aren’t exactly sure who the sloth wannabe is, we can usually tell by the fact that the real sloth seems to spell check his posts. The wannabe seems to sound out the words rather than make sure they are spelled correctly. Not to mention the subject/verb agreement issues.
I’ll bet the imposter sloth doesn’t click the Google ads, either.
Thanks IR #5. And the real Sloth would never use the word "monicker".
Should I show up tonight? I will be at the Cubbie Bear, call if it’s a blowout.
Is Sammy playing tonight?
Come on, fools. Somebody tell me what Desipio means.
Desipio – to act foolishly, play the fool, make an ass of one’s self.
Thanks to TW, but if you’ve got a computer in front of your face, try dictionary.com.
It’s just that easy.
Just wondering, is there any sportswriter that you like or that any of the readers like?
Bob Verdi is sadly the last of the legitmately solid sportswriters–and even he’s been dozing off in a lounge chair for Golf Digest, waking up long enough to write some babbling incoherence on occassional Sundays for the Trib.
Tssk, tssk. Sadly, they have all sucked ass since Verdi. I guess the standard has been lowered all around, that’s all.
I kinda like Mariotti – he’s fresh and informative! What do you guys think?
I have high hopes for Bill Simmons, now that he’s quit the Kimmel show. He admitted himself that his writing had slipped, and he was still one of the better columnists around when he was half-assing it, I think.
I take it the Mariotti thing was a joke. His radio show is even worse than his column. Bill Simmons is funny but I’m talking about a more "legitimate" columnist.
I guess I should be flattered about being imitated.
And hell yes, I use words like "monicker"…I got a 31 on his ACTs, not that it ended up in getting me any real money in real life.
And spell check…I don’t need one of those, I CAN spell, sometimes I just choose not to.
Finally, ask that Sloth who he loves better: Sammy Sosa or Juan Cruz? Real Sloth fans know what the answer is.
I mean "my ACTs", dammit!
Who gives a shit about some sloth? Doesn’t anyone care about my tricep anymore?
Are you Brian Hanley? Even if you are, you make a great point about the 99% rate of shitting on everything around here.
I’ve seen the Peter King links posted without too many wisecracks, though I think King deserves worse, whereas his SI counterpart Dr. Z is rock-solid and actually watches football games and has insight.
Ask Jerry Markbreit on chicagosports is a classic when in season.
Jayson Stark does his homework on ESPN.
Was surprised to see Sipowicz Downey crapped on here. He’s the best the Trib’s had in a while, but that’s not good enough for some.
Admittedly, he’s no Bernie Lincicome, who I miss greatly. If nothing else, he’s in the pantheon for one line: "Rick Mirer is to quarterbacking what nose hair is to making cole slaw."
How about some love for a bitter, self-indulgent, 3/4 dead sports hack who never learned to use anything more complicated than a manual typewriter?
30
Don’t anyone start on the five paragraphs the Tribune allots me every four months to cover boxing!
Not Hartley. I liked Bernie when he was in the Trib. He was nice and bitter. There is a lot of schlock out there, but I like Peter Gammons, Stark and Neyer. I think Kiley’s bad but don’t mind Sullivan.
I’m not a bastard, Brian!
Don’t you miss my early stuff that was pointless, then the rest of my columns where all I did was quote myself to show you that I told you the Bears wouldn’t go 15-1?
Kornheiser is good.
Wilbon is really good!
It said in the Sun-Times today that there’s an upcoming sitcom based on my life, with Costanza playing me.
I only dabble in sports because I have so many hard-hitting topics to write about. But rest assured that anything you read here or have deleted from your e-mail 14 times, in 4 or 5 months I’ll write about how hip and fresh it is.
I’m thinking about starting a diary. Does anyone have any suggestions for a topic that I can write about for the next 8 months?
Imitation is the sincerest form of flatulence. The "faux" Sloth needs to ask himself who he "loves better". Homoerotic suggestions aside, please take this opportunity to get your own moniker. You’re not Skip Bayless, are you?
Damn, I wish the Bears would try scalping one of their own tickets to a cab driver with a family of five!
Does anyone miss my geeky tech columns for the Sun Times?
Does anyone know I died?
Is anyone shocked that I’m dead? Didn’t think so.
Read me Sunday as I have Lunch with… some irrelevant personality no one has heard of.
Friday, I’ll just drop about 3,452 not so subtle hints that The Boyfriend better propose pronto.
I’m kind of hot, and I like to party! Doesn’t that at least make me the best columnist in Chicago?
I’m on the left, by the way.
Hold on folks…
I’m a journalism STUDENT, and you are telling me there is NO HOPE FOR ME?!?!?!?
I’ve wasted two years of my college life to be hated by 95% of my readership?!?!?!?
Hell, I should just pack it up and go into teaching or something.
Considering the crap you take for the garbage you submit on this site, I’m assuming that’s a rhetorical question.
Everyone who was hoping for more Todd Hollandsworth is going to get it. Sammy to the DL–strained ligament in his back.
I’m more in need of a courtesy flush than the Wrigley Field press box bathroom after Pat’s 6th inning squat.
Sure, I’d come play right field if the Cubs called.
Sammy, who?
Not only do I coach first base for the Giants, but my dad plays for the Cardinals…
Schmidt happens.
Sorry. Schmidt, Sheets, and Randy Johnson on my fantasy team, had to gloat.
It almost makes up for sharing a birthday with Trini Lopez.
But you should have been an ENGLISH major. Take journalism as a minor–you don’t need to fill your ambitious little head with all of the structure and none of the content.
READ! Then maybe you’d be a better writer.
The way I look, it’s an act of god that ANYONE would have lunch with me.
Wilson Pickett looks 20 times better.
Uh, as someone who has actually worked as a journalist, I’d disagree. If you’re looking to be a bartender or waiter, I’d go the English major route. I’ll agree with the idea of reading almost anything and everything, but you don’t need to be an English major to do that.
Oddly enough, I’ve met very few journalism grads from U of I. I did work with a couple very good reporters who were Western Illinois U. grads.
If your articles made as much sense as that post, I know why you are an "ex" reporter.
The good news is that you have a fantstic future if you want to write for a Chicago paper.
All you need to know about why this country is going to hell is to know that Tony Kornheiser is getting a TV series while Shirley Povich goes unheralded. TK tried to be Dave Barry — and failed. He doesn’t bother to look at most sporting events since he goes to sleep at 8:30 ET. So after failing as a sportswriter, what did he do? He diversified. Armed with an utter lack of sports knowledge, he went on the radio and talked about the same unfunny stuff that sucked in his column (which he started to seriously mail in), like his dog eating his money. I’d rather read about Peter King’s daughter’s field hockey team, at least I can skip over that crap. (Amazingly, the guy they brought in after TK on the radio is even worse.) Then he got a TV show!
The reason there are so many sportswriters that suck is because their editors and readers tolerate it. Look at the daily links — you don’t have to be (any) good, you just have to get hired and actually show up. Oops, forgot about Jayson Blair. Make that get hired.
I’m pretty sure I’m dead.
That could be why I’m unheralded.
Plus, Maury’s my kid. That in itself will earn me a spot in hell.
That, Shirley, and the fact that you are Jewish.