Pitching matchup:
St. Louis: Chris Carpenter 4-1, 3.86
Cubs: Sergio Meat Tray, 2-2, 4.93
Cardinals lineup
Tony Womack, 2b
Ray Lankford, lf (what is this, 1993?)
Albie Pujols, Sr., 1b
Lassie, cf
Scott Rolen, 3b
Edgar Renteria, ss
Reggie Sanders, rf
Mike Matheny, c
Chris Carpenter, p
Cubs lineup
Todd Walker, 2b
Michael Barrett, c
Moises Alou, lf
E-ramis Ramirez, 3b
Todd Hollandsworth, rf
Derrrrek Lee, 1b
Corey Patterson, cf
Ramon Martinez, ss
Sergio Meat Tray, p
Walker
Barrett
Alou
Ramirez
Hollandsworth
Lee
Patterson
Martinez
Mitre
Looks like finally listened.
Ready? Here’s where I get my name from:
![]("http://www.calvincrest.org/images/jesus1_1.jpg")
![]("http://www.tahoecelebritygolf.com/Players/images/Limbaugh-Rush.jpg"/)
But my talent is on loan from here:
I’m probably going to get fired for having a big picture of Jeebus show up on my computer.
I saw Jim Edmonds out last night along with his boyfriend.
[img]http://www.dragonsdenuk.com/reviews/cannonball_run_2-3.jpg[/img]
We’re on a mission from God…
Ok I was just kidding about posting my picture..because I don’t know how.
I’m 2-2.
I’ve gotten my ERA under 5.00.
What in God’s name do I have to do to get you the world-famous smartasses at desipio.com to stop mocking my last name?
If Jesus looked like a white guy from England, I’m the next President of the US. Here’s what he looked like (without the suit):
I can figure out how to tell you this without it showing up as a picture but its one of these < followed by img src, then =, then " then the url then " and >
I would like to thank my other self for posting the candid photo I snapped of Mr. Edmonds Aka Capt Chaos.
I hate these 2:20 starts. My body clock doesn’t adjust & I’m usually squeezing my ass cheeks so hard in the 4th & 5th innings that my bung starts to bleed.
This just in from the AntiChrist:
Bob Chicago IL:
Who do you think is the more important person for the Cubs to get back healthy – Wood, Prior or Sosa? Thanks, love your work!
Joe Morgan:
Thanks Bob. It’s always more important to get your everyday player healthy. Teh Cubs problem right now is scoring runs. Even as dominant at Wood and Prior are, I think that a guy that plays every can always help you more than a guy that pitches every fifth day.
What? A Cardinals game and we don’t have the moran picture up yet?
WHAT A SHAME!!!
The AntiChrist also thinks Will Clark came up through the Tiger’s organeyezation.
Still more:
Aaron (Arkansas):
Who do you think is the hottest in the National League Central? Do the Cardinals have what it takes?
Joe Morgan:
The Cardinals are certainly a very good team, but everything in the Central is so hot and cold — every time Clemens or Pettite pitch, the Astros have the edge. When the Cubs are healthy I think they are the tougestest defensively. I think any of those three teams are capable of winning the Central.
All I can say about the NL Central looks like the teams want to keep it competitive this season.
Sergio’s right. It’s time we stopped mocking his name, and started mocking his mullet.
I thought that was a mullet
Meat-Tray gives me a bad name.
What mullet?
Need tougher at-bats, make tougher outs, i’m a genius, this team is nothing without me, bah bah bah…. Sarge tell the truth, you suck at coaching, tell them to flip the helmet off and run like hell.
Hey, Sarge was our hitting coach and all we did was set the Major League record for strikeouts.
Not our pitching staff, our hitters.
Just to be clear.
Today I’ll be droning about Albert Pujols’ gold glove defense, the Cardinals dominance over the Cubs in St. Louis over the years and the time I saw Jim Edmonds give a German Shepherd a rimjob behind the Weiner’s Circle.
I’m too freakin’ dumb to turn the field mic on.
Why was I attacked bt Jim Edmonds?
He always picks the ugly blew jerseys.
So do I
I might mistake Chip’s eyebrow for Tony LaRussa’a hairy ass.
I hope you meant his rectum and not me, his donkey?
I’ll get the crowd revved up with my Sammy-like entrance.
OK, maybe not.
Your rectum of course, sorry coach for the confusion.
I pick blue jerseys because I remind opponents of all the times before I blew them away!
Get off my ass!
Edmonds!
You’re not Sammy!!!
How do you all like our homosexual red shoes? Jimmy picked them out for us.
My rectum, confusion huh?
Damn near killed ’em!
Just hearing Sharon Panozzo’s voice in the background frightens me.
If there’s ever a brawl that spills from the field through the stands and then into the press box, she’ll bit Al Hrabosky’s ears off.
She’s no beaver, but she’s all badger.
I’ll take any animal or male opening.
Hey Womack meet me in the shower after game.
How do you like my blind luck approach to hitting?
I’m fucking terrible.
Albie Pujols shaved his goatee off, he looks positively youthful. Like maybe he’s only in his mid 30s.
Pop it up Grandpa!
I own you!
Astonishing this Poo-Holes is. Forever his contract runs.
Golden is his glove,
and hairy is his ass.
What are you talking about Dolan it fell out
You have a red Cardinals jersey and red ‘jeans’ shorts on.
Well, they’re in the right part of Chicago for some fun, I suppose.
Why does Steve insist that the Cardinals are a better offensive team than the Cubs? Is it the super star hitters they have in right field, left field, second base and catcher?
Chip and I actually like the Cardinals better
I may hit like shit, but Pujols can pry my gold glove out of my cold, dead hand.
Has that train hit me yet?
Take me fishing, so I can pull my Buick up to the spillway and fish from the back seat.
Anybody else see that my red hot bat since I’ve been playing short has my average up to a whopping .247?
Move over Tejada! I’m the class of the game at short!
They had Walker played perfectly!
Yeah, Renteria was lined up at…uh…shortstop.
I’ve been grounding out alot lately
I’m pretty freakin’ good, aren’t I?
Taking notes, Mr. Patterson?
I wish I was hitting .247!
Aren’t we extinct?
Barrett batting second is paying off.
I handle the defensive charts for the Cubs.
When a big, tall guy bats, we have our guys back up. It’s very scientific.
2:40 PM – Chip’s first reference to Pujols being a future Gold Glover.
You could see that gold glove reference coming from a mile away.
Do Chip and Steve not know that the reigning gold glove winner plays for US?
Actually Albert won me in the Spanish American War when he caught a head that was blown off.
"It always finds the spot that’s unprotected."
You’re telling me…
I like pitching batting practice!
When does the game start?
Honesty compels me to admit that Beege is the gold glover of my dreams, and I can’t wait till next week!
I don’t swing at hanging curve balls, I just take them for strike three.
I suck.
but i am still a gold glover.
You may field like Pujols, but you hit like shit.
Seriously what is Lee’s deal?
Now that the CSI and Without a Trace shows are on break for the summer, maybe they can find out where the real Derrek Lee went and who this impostor is playing first base for the Cubs. Funny, you never saw Lee and Todd Hundley in the same line-up.
I hang around Greg Maddux and he taught me that whenever we score, I should go out and give up runs the next inning.
Preferably, homers.
"And Sergio got in the kitchen"
What the hell does that mean, Chippie?
Screw you, fans. I’m going to start sweating profusely, unbutton my shirt down to my belt and flip you off if I ever hit another homer.
Wow, could we suck off the Cardinals any harder? I hope we’re ready to swallow.
Yes you could guys
There’s (some nitwit Tribune boss), he’s sitting with his mother. She hasn’t been to a game since 1938.
She also once gave Cap Anson a hummer.
I sure like throwing alot of balls
The comparison between Lee and Hundley in #71 just sent a chill down my spine. Probably because it rings true.
Am I the only one troubled by the fact that every time you post the screen refreshes and Jesus appears?
Take me fishing, because otherwise we’d just sit on the porch, and some gang-banger with his pants riding down on his ass would take a shot at us
I thought I got traded?
I know I did.
Double steal?
Since when can you double steal? I didn’t know that.
Nice job Sergio. You’ve perfected the wild pitch I taught you yesterday.
1-1.
That’s because you won’t un-plug me from your ass, you stupid fat bastard.
Look at them lining up to pluck a slice of ham or a nice cube of summer sausage off of the Meat Tray
Oh, so this is what a panic attack feels like.
take me fishing, cause 50 pound glowing carp out of the cooling ponds is tas-TEE!
That walk sure paid off well
Meat Tray.
Way to forget about the fat catcher on second base.
Hey, Meat Tray, wanna xanax?
Is it just me, or does Chip really enjoy pointing out potential Cardinals scoring opportunities?
He needs to be stopped.
Top of the second seems like a good time to catch a quick nap on the mound.
You gave up a hit to Tony Womack, Meat Tray?
I’ll be starting up the engine on this baby right now.
Hey an infield hit! Cardinals score again! Whoo-hoo!
I mean, oh, that’s unfortunate.
Exclusive for Desipio readers: 99 cent hot dogs and burgers, no limit, Gyros Factory, corner of Wolf & Central, Mt. Prospect, IL.
Hey, beats talking about the f–ing game…
Wild pitch on a pitchout! Whoo, let’s put this baby in the time capsule!
Someone dial this for Santo, he will be dead by the end of the game.
Can somebody give me one goddamn good reason why I’m not pitching ahead of this piece of fecal matter?
How many times will we ground out today? We have a problem not going the other way.
Oh…My gawd? That’s…that’s…that’s Todd Wellmeyer’s music!!
Umm should I get someone up in the pen?
that was not pleasant.
Just wanted to get my 120 pitches out of the way.
If I throw a complete game at this pace, I will have thrown 225 pitches, please do it so I am done for the year.
No, dumb-ass…that’s Cap’n Tightpants’ music.
Good thing I hit that home run?
Wait…you get more than one strike per at-bat? Why has nobody told me this.
Andy, thanks for the love notes. xoxoxo.
1,2,3
oh god. not again. please make it stop.
Hey guys a pop up imagine that
Maybe it’s time to start thinking about a new batting coach? hmmm
Serve this up….
I’m a hitting coach, you f#$%^#$% worthless g$%^#$%#4 cock$#@%@#$%
Since I don’t have to work this weekend, I’m going to Cincinnati to see The Beege.
We don’t need a hitting coach. OBP is useless anyway. Now black guys, help the white guys.
Chip, you are working with me this weekend. Don’t you remember.
Hmm I can’t hit Chris Carpenter?
Will have fun with the faxes. Toilet paper?
I can go the other way. In fact, I DO go both ways.
I usually happen when the Cubs are batting
Look at me! I’m fat.
Can I bat leadoff instead of oure new favorite rally-killer, Todd Walker?
Who needs walks?
I am one bad sob
I can’t stop a ball coming at me BEHIND the plate. But I sure can stop them from going by the plate when I’m standing next to it.
day off where are you.
Barrett
Anyone miss me?
Mike don’t be so hard on yourself..I’m the one who’s throwing crappy balls.
2 K’s back-to-back. I’ve taken over Mitre’s body.
I sure would like to take over his body
Andy:
Yeah, that Jesus reappearing each refresh is unnerving.
At least he was Jewish.
Guess Barrett likes hitting in the #2 hole.
Now, all we need to do is fix the other 8 spots, and we got ourselves a ball club.
I just want him to run the bases and tire him out.
"Meat Tray! How’s your tricep?"
Serigo: "Fine."
Dusty: "Give it to Wood, then."
The past few games the other team’s pitchers have a better average than our team.
Chuck, it it isn’t Jewish…it’s c-r-r-r-r-r-ap!
Fine. Hit Carpenter with a steel belted radial.
7 around 2, wrapped by 1.
Yay! The Cardinals are winning! We love them! They have pretty birdies on their uniforms!
Sloth’s not anti-Semitic…he ate four of us the last time he was at Wrigley.
Don’t worry guys! I’m on the case tomorrow!
Sloth:
There’s a difference?
I do hate Steve Stone if he’s rooting for the Evil Satanic Fowl. And he’s Jewish.
Sloth was mis-remembering my great "If it’s not Scottish it’s crap!" thing.
Move along.
The Sloth did the same thing to us as he did to the Kosher Dogs!
Hey! Anyone realize that Bartman went to school with us?
Should I ground to short or second?
Which way are we blowing today? We can’t see ourselves.
Third, I guess.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrip.
Third! Can’t forget about third!
Yeah, thanx, Shrek, for explaining for me. Yeah, baby…
Watch out Rolen, here comes a pop up.
The Cubs are at a disadvantage because they haven’t seen C. Carpenter. Hello, Ron the Cards haven’t seen the Meat Tray, and they are fine.
Hey, D. Lee, anytime you want to show up and hit, fine by me.
I’ll dig up something from the ol’ Cubs Coven.
D. Lee Eats Ass!
Andy,
That "love tap" to third base was for you, big boy.
Thanks for the flowers. you’re right…people can be so mean.
*sniff*
Good inning guys. Walks don’t do shit. The only way to get out of this slump is grip and rip.
Hey Dusty I like your Grip and Rip theory
How is Derrek Lee batting .268? Every time I look up, I see him calmly grounding out.
Even his RBI single yesterday was an infield grounder.
This chucklehead actually hit 40 dings for the Phish?
Try Derrek May. (Actually Derrick May but who gives a rat’s ass; he sucks?)
If I get out of this inning, will I bat? Look at who we’ve got. AVG R HR RBI
P. Bako C .162 0 0 2
T. Goodwin LF .211 2 0 3
J. Macias LF .286 6 1 5
J. Dubois RF .000 0 0 1
D. Jackson SS .077 1 1 1
2 WP, 1 E, 2 HR
Well, I’ll give ’em back one of my dongs.
Done.
Barrett. If you can do that, I’ve got a job for you.
It’s over. I’m done with this f*$!@ing board.
Now he’s done.
Any chance of this entire series being rained out?
Hey, guys!! I’m next!!
?
Sergio,
Welcome back to where you belong, suckass.
Say hi to my brother 6.00 ERA. He’s waiting for you.
Honestly, shouldn’t Sergio bean somebody? Edmonds would have been a good choice.
Of course, maybe he’s trying and he just can’t hit them.
What your’s meat tray, actually can it me up mine, pretty please.
anyone know?
Am I flashing on the score board yet?
cause I’m a freaking moron!
Hey,
Who’s posting anonomously?
Hey come get me guys
Me!
Me too
Thanks Anonymous.
I suck too.
Three solo home runs.
Walks suck.
"Intrepid reader# 162: Barrett
2 WP, 1 E, 2 HR"
You are aware that they have a separate statistic for instances in which a pitched ball reaching the backstop without being hit by the batter is not the fault of the pitcher, aren’t you? It’s called a passed ball. Mitre has two wild pitches this game.
As for the error, did it really matter? Maybe if Prior or someone good had been pitching it would have been key, but Mitre promptly gave up a homer to make the error a moot point.
Maybe someone can get on us before you guys hit homers?
I get more excited by the Cardinals homers than the Cubs.
12 pitchers on staff and you don’t pinch hit for Mitre?
Huh?
Sure, I can go another inning. Let me at ’em!
Alou needs it.
Empty
I left Surge in to qualify for the win.
Hey Moises? You get two next week. Suck it up.
OK! Who let Todd out?
Which way to the mound? Have they moved it since last I pitched? In 1947?
You know we’ve a kid down here who might be able to help you.
#184,
One of the wild pitches was Meat-Tray’s fault, and the other was a botched pitchout that was thrown a little behind him but still hit his glove.
I posted the thing about the error before Pujols hit his homer.
What’s a passed ball?
D. Lee…one of these guys who, every once in a while, has a monster day to pad the ol’ stats, but on a day-to-day basis, doesn’t do much for you.
A modern day Fred McStiff.
Actually I’m in Chicago today
An 8 pitch at bat for my first opponent. Damn good thing the guy’s a real hitter.
Oh wait…
Pardon the French, but here’s new nickname for your first baseman.
Peggy.
Until he starts hitting like man…ladies and gentlemen, your first baseman, Peggy Lee.
Hey, I’m still playing. Just waiting on the D-Rays to find me a taller hat.
It’s Shill-er time!!!
How many Todds are on the field right now?
I don’t know where I’d be if I wasn’t able to exploit my dad’s misery for my career.
Hey, I pitch and punt!
Don’t blame the D-Rays for Freddie’s big hat.
If we have to, I’d rather have Brenda Lee. I’ll bet "little miss dynamite" could hit better than .268.
For the 58th time Fred, no, we’re not updating the video. And give me back my mesh ballcap! They’re in style again.
How about me?
Derrek is acting like the bitch she is.
(All together) I pitch & punt too!!!
Right down the middle of the plate..
Have I mentioned that Steve and I are off tomorrow through Monday?
I’ll be in Houston lubing up my orifices.
2 pitches
Damn…I hit it too far to to the left of the shortstop. Corey–why don’t you try? You’re good at that.
Lets see if I can kill this?
How about a double switch to get me back in there for another at-bat and a few more innings.
Job well done.
Whadda ya know?
Pulled off by the Cards, nice job Chris.
Our prime suspect, as always is Martinez, Ramon.
Do you think today is the day I’ll figure out how to spot a breaking pitch?
We should be due for a solo shot at the bottom half of the inning.
Time for Rd. 2.
Hey, I just wanted to keep Wuertz in the bullpen for another inning. You’ll thank me later.
Especially if you own a building across Waveland and don’t have collision insurance.
Yeah, that’s right. Feels like an Arby’s night.
Kenny! Kenny!
Since I can’t hit anything above the belt (I do my best work just below the belt…in the rectum) how do I ever get a hit?
Yeah, I can see why we need to use Farnsworth, Hawkins and Borowski every day. I just completely suck don’t I?
…yadda, yadda, yadda, and Chip wipped something white off his face after exiting the bathroom with Craig.
Should I go Wuertz, Beltran with the next 2 pitchers or Beltran, Wuertz?
Masur: "It didn’t have home run distance, I don’t think…"
Santo: "Yeah, he hit it too hard mumble mumble…"
I was just murdered.
I missed it..Who’s ruining the Nat’l Anthem….
Who the hell was singing? Andy Mazur wouldn’t say.
SERENITY NOW!
Hey you unemployed/3rd shifters,
Who the hell was singing the 7th?
That was Ditka-esque.
The home improvement guy who your wives and girlfriends fantasize about at night while you do your boring, missionary thing again…and think about Lindsay Lohan.
Wow, I just keep getting fatter.
Ooh, time to fellate the Cardinals bullpen!
Gurgle, gurgle.
Boys, I had my one at-bat. When I go back to AAA, Kelton and I will swap stories.
and greasier..Do I ever shower?
I hope a line drive hits you in the forehead and we never see you again.
Just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
Wait until you go to SkyDome, Dusty always lets us rookies get one start in Toronto.
Oh, wait. Never mind.
Should I plunk Poo-holes?
The Cubs are lying to you! They’re damn dirty liars!
Can I hit one with guys on?
Wow, that was a good effort. Two batters, two baserunners. It was Mitre-esque.
And yes, my hat smells like Pat Hughes just wiped with it.
Because…he did.
George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends – like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him – face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
That’s right, Ronnie, Steve Kline just wore my dirty ass like a helmet.
Well that didn’t work the way I wanted it too
Quick, pass out the mini bats to the Cardinals fans.
Remember that Monday in St. Louis.
One more biscuit for breakfast.
A a butt wiser.
Do you guys want me?
Hi Ronnie.
Pee on that.
I’ll pee back.
Pissing the night away
Pissing the night away…
I too didn’t want to see Wuertz as well.
Don’t question my removal of Chris Carpenter. I’m The Genius!
Guys I need some help.
Farnsworth or Hawkins in the 8th?
Hey Genius I just pissed all over your 4 run parade
I’m not ashamed to admit I’m in love with the Overstock.com lady.
You’re wife told me that. While we were kissing.
I can give away this lead. I’ve done it in this park many times!
I’m not ashamed to admit I piss in my hair when it doesn’t have its usual feathery goodness.
You can piss on me too
I’m a moron. I wear eye black even though my skin is already dark.
Just let it go, man! … Oh, that was warm.
A married woman and another woman kissing? And *my* picture headlines this page.
That’s just sick.
Dammit, I forgot to walk a hitter.
Since the Lawnmower won’t pitch this series, so I will take up his schtick tomorrow.
¡Debo matar a los cardenales!
I am of Jesus and agree with Jesus.
Actually, I was the last man to do Karen Carpenter.
Piss on your lead, Geeeyous!
Luv,
Moises
Don’t mess with the Jesus
Hey, guys. Any bets on whether I fly out to right, left or center?
I have no idea where the strike zone is. I take every pitch at me knees and they are always strikes. I am a complete dumbass.
I no know how to hit curveball.
I no know how to pitch curveball, either.
Corey – Give me $5 on "strike out on the first pitch"
Lets go with a lefty here even though Paterson can kill lefties?
Corey Patterson swings at everything.
Derrick Lee looks at strikes.
CP + DL=A player who swings at strikes.
It’s so simple when you break it down….
Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
I’d like that $5 in small unmarked bills….
Ray Rayner could have gotten Corey Patterson out.
I think Santo really has lost his mind.
Whatever, y’all hate Bako more than me nowadays. I hit a homer a while ago, don’t forget.
Oh nooooo!
I have made history today. I attempted to pronounce "Tom Skilling" and I came nowhere close to saying anything near "Tom Skilling."
I hope they re-enforced the mound. I’m biggest guy to climb this mound since Rick Reuschel.
Hey, CP. You’re a 5 tool moran. I’m a no tool Maddux Cady. Guess who gets more bile?
Dubois could be an instant hero.
I’m about to win this thing right here. Belted deep center, coming up!
Which way am I blowing?
Oops. Sorry, I’m just so used to hitting home runs at key moments that I spoke too soon.
First kline now king….ugh, my back hurts..
Can we ever score a run unless the ball’s hit out of the park?
I guess Derrek shouldn’t actually wear me in the field.
Wow, nice catch.
If I blow shit defensively, too, maybe people will stop talking about how bad my hitting is.
Thank Goodness.
In the ninth:
Walker
Barrett
Alou
Oh, screw it, I’ll just bat with the doughnut on.
Fuck
Hi guys!
I was reading about Conan O’Brien and the writer described O’Brien’s humor has witty, funny and never mean-spirited. It reminded me of Andy Dolan, except, of course, that Dolan is not witty, funny and he is always mean-spirited.
I was at the game today, and I can safely say that I wish I hadn’t been. That is, I would’ve had a lot more fun on here, saying things like…
"Meat Tray is just serving them up, today."
and
"Barrett is the new Paul Lo Duca. Ole!"
I’ll be here tomorrow–just you wait!
This is way more fun than I am…