Pitchers:
St. Louis: Matt Morris, 4-3, 3.69
Cubs: Matt Clement, 5-3, 2.53
Lineups:
St. Louis
Tony Womack, 2b
Ray Lankford, lf
Albie Pujols, Sr., 1b
Lassie, cf
Scott Rolen, 3b
Colin Porter, rf
Edgar Renteria, ss
Mike Matheny, c
Matt Morris, p
Cubs
Tom Goodwin, rf
Todd Walker, 2b
Moises Alou, lf
E-ramis Ramirez, 3b
Corey Patterson, cf
Derrrrek Lee, 1b
Mike Barrett, c
Ramon Martinez, ss
Matt Clement, p
Somebody bring back the home pinstripes!!!
I’m blowing in.
Nice work so far by Jon Miller. He keeps calling Matt Clement, Matt Morris. That won’t be annoying.
And…Joe Morgan applauded the Cubs on the great trade they made to get Moises Alou.
Of course, it wasn’t a trade.
Ok, I’m blowing out.
In from Sheffield, that is.
We are about half and half Cubs/Cards fans. What an idiot.
Hey! Look out or I’ll pee on you!
And everybody south of Chicago is a Cardinals fan!
Wow, I’m a dumbass.
Anybody catch me bragging about how much speed the Astros have?
Yeah, Berkman, Kent, Hidalgo, Everett, whatever’s left of Biggio, Ausmus and Bagwell can all fly.
Apparently, they removed a nut and half my brain.
You think he is bad during a game, you should see him in bed.
I’m here tonight, bitches!
Tell me about it.
I’m here tonight too.
I also said the Cardinals run a lot. Renteria, and umm… umm… er, is Kerry Robinson still there? No?
I’m huge, I sing country music, and I modernized the current under-jacket umpire protector ("the West Vest"). I am King!
My hip replacement is driving me nuts in this stormy weather.
Oy.
Hey, any team with Vince Coleman and Willie McGee has a lot of speed. I love the Cardinals. Especially Ken Oberkfell.
And Tom Ramsey.
Looks like this is where the Cards’ hitters will be hanging out
1 Fastball to Edmonds… now 2 sliders please.
What about me, Harold?
Jon Miller says Clement can obviously get lefties out because he owned the lefty hitters on the Giants last week.
How hard is it to own Mike Tucker, AJ Eyechart, Neifi Perez and JT Snow?
That Perez guy can rake.
Don’t tell me ’bout no Neifi.
Wow, I have a terrible arm, don’t I?
Thanks, Mike.
I will always come back to get you.
buh-bye
Actually, he struck Edmonds out, but I didn’t want to call it.
Jim let me have a turn on a St. Bernard last night.
He’s good people.
I hated that 2-spot, I would much rather be in the 7-spot.
Actually, he struck Edmonds out, but I didn’t want to call it.
Jim let me have a turn on a St. Bernard last night.
He’s good people.
Sorry. See, another reason to hate Joe West.
I’m glad I’m not playing tonight. I wouldn’t want to stay hot, or anything.
Morris wasn’t trying to strike out Goodwin, just get him out.
Maybe he should have tried to strike him out?
Sorry Todd, the wind is blowing out and with my power I could hit several homeruns today.
I "dogged" it after that single and Goodwin went to third.
How ironic.
A leadoff hitter’s job is to get on base, right? Right!
Great, I let Goodwin advance, now I will have to limp into the dugout after we get our 3 outs.
I am the new Sammy Sosa, uh…,buddy.
Waveland Avenue, bitches!
Hey Rolen, can I catch a ride with you to the All-Star Game?
Ouch, that hurt.
Whew, no rally for me to kill.
I am the great A-Ram!!! Bow to me, bitches!!!
In my last 162 games before tonight: .290, 35 doubles, 35 HRs, 125 RBI.
Hey, I thought I was up?
We didn’t bat out of order again, did we?
Well I got my avg. pitch per at bat already.
I hit HR # 490 today. That puts me one behind a Major League Super Star
That’s a 10-4 good buddy.
Good thing I’m not around to call you on it.
I got my ears on!
I’m working my way back to Tampa Bay! I’m ready to lap Junior!
Actually, I once saw Jim Edmonds get "lapped". It wasn’t pretty.
Hey, E-Ramis, check with Rolen, see if there’s room in the car for me!
4-1 Cubs.
Sorry, I tried to hesitate to make a great play but he hit it too hard.
You ain’t working your way back to shit!!!
Ramon Martinez, Exhibit 123,432 why bench players always get exposed when you play them enough.
Could be why Dusty keeps juggling right field.
Don’t worry Tino, I’m too lazy to actually play in the field. I just want to DH and take naps in between my at bats.
I have a lead, I’m going at least 8
On the CBS page, it says Ramirez homered to deep left.
Anyone ever homer to shallow left?
Matt Clement on fans wearing phony beards, "It’s kind of creepy, actually."
Well said.
Is there still any room left in that car??
Does the Anti-Christ think I’m playing short?
I mean, except in Fenway Park
Colin,
No.
Jason
The question for the day, "Will the Cubs actually feel the need to score again tonight?"
Many home runs are hit to shallow left in Houston. Just ask Chip.
NO.
In Houston, Chip hits to deep Beege
I’m in cruise control now
Wouldn’t it be amusing if someone sent me the web-address for this page on the CDW faxline?
The Doctor said, " the less I hit, the less stress will be put on my knee ". So what is a man to do?
A double! Good God, I’m going to collapse from my asthma!
I can do it all. I pitch. I hit. I leg out doubles.
OK, I could have crawled to second.
And now, I run into an easy out, because I’m a dope. And, I stumbled, so I probably left my groin in a wad between short and third.
Speaking of leaky bowels, you really should check out https://www.desipio.com!
I’m Matt Clement, bitches!!!
The Cubs have lots of speed! How could I have forgotten the 124 year old Tom Goodwin!
I just called Todd Walker "Miller." What the hell am I thinking?
Wait a minute, did the Cubs just steal a base on the great Mike Matheny?
How is this possible? I thought he was impervious to the stolen base?
Have Chip and Steve led us astray all these years?
you know what? My son should make a documentary of my life.
Too much smoking the doob with me and the band, Ronnie.
The catcher may give up stolen bases, but watch out for that bullpen.
In Re: #74
That’s my real name. Damn my parents and their hippy ways.
Let’s see the Whiz Kid drive goodwin in here
Wow, I was sure I was going to get beer thrown on me.
Right field sucks!
I could have gotten a hand on that ball to Porter.
Boo!
…or not…
Hey Chip, what about my gold glove?
I am batting better than Jeter.
I was hitting .500 the last time we played the Cubs (5-10) now I’m 5-24.
Woo! I’m hot!
Did Moises just hit a ball to RF? Mouthbreathin’ Matt sighs.
I think I’ll walk the pitcher to lead off the inning. What fun!
I get hot for chicks with beards!
How about my gold glove?
I just sh*t the bed.
Hey, Kidd. Try number one, it’s a lot sexier than number two.
Trust me. ;)
Clement is pitching like Three-Finger Brown. I should know, I’ve batted aganist both.
My hip really hurts when I run, or masturbate. Fortunately, a lot of the guys helped me out by lending a hand.
Now if only they could figure out a way to help me run.
Maybe the Cardinals need a younger first baseman? Maybe a Major League Super Star?
How did I get Albert Pujols out in the old days? I used to just throw the ball at his neck and then try and pick him off first.
Of course, he was old then, so he didn’t get much of a lead.
Did Sosa and Pujols quit taking me at the same time?
I’ve got wheels. I won’t swing for the fence, Dusty! Promise!
I’m in, it’s all over now!
Wait, wrong game thread.
Change my name to Colin Porter. It’s all the same.
We’re both white, slow and useless.
I am fast. I think I just realized it.
Bow to my bunting ability, bitches!
Tonight on CSI: Derek Lee, Grissom and Seidel investigate Derek’s homicide of the Cubs 3rd inning rally.
Being patient does help, weird.
Anyone need a rally killed?
Joe Morgan is talking about "clutch RBI ability" and our heads are collectively exploding!
How about "Pumpkinhead" for that stiff-backed Scott Rolen?
Who does this Lee guy think he is… me?
Phew, I’m safe. It’s Lee that’s batting.
Hey, anybody else want to watch how I actually follow the curveball, instead of just giving up on it?
Anyone?
Derrek, the bat ain’t a fashoin accessory
That hurt.
Check out the brown stain on my ass.
Eww.
The Anti-Christ just said the ball is made of canvas.
Huh?
fashoin? what the hell is that?
When all is said and done, am I the best hitter on the team?
I think I am.
Now Ramon can ground out meekly so we don’t score.
How did E-ramis and Corey both manage to not tag up on that?
Hah! I have cursed the Cubs! I said they are the team to beat in the division!
Have fun in fifth place, fellas!
Muahahahahaha!
Oooh, I’m evil.
That’s a bold statement… the Cubs will be the team to beat when they get all their players back. Who would of thought that??
I wish I was a Major League Super Star
So do I, Ramon.
I wish you were a Major League Mediocrity at this point.
Thanks for the compliments Mr. Morgan, but even we know we won’t finish over .500.
Just wondering, what makes everyone suddenly think the Reds are actually THIS good?
0-2 on Edmonds. Just throw him the "face high fur ball."
Memo to Jim Hendry: when the Marlins call, hang up.
Lee got Aramis’ contract.
Throw me!!
What? We’re not great?
Oh wait, we aren’t.
We’ll be in fourth by the All-Star Break.
Or lower.
Hey, Jim! I’ve got a trade for you, how about Wil Cordero for Bobby Brownlie, Jason Dubois and the Japanese guy who kills birds?
Take it easy, I have saved the Cubs about 10 runs this year digging balls out.
Two things about the Joe Morgan-Pumpkinhead Rolen interview.
#1 Joe can’t hold his own Microphone.
#2 it’s a big "boom" one and when held in front of him, while sitting down it looks like a foam covered erection.
Mrs. Morgan should be so lucky.
Scottie Rolen, now my last question. How do you have a double chin?
The two Cubs who catch the most crap are Lee and Patterson. How come Ramon Martinez gets a free pass? He’s the only Cubs regular who can’t hit.
Don’t forget about me!!!!
Mr. Rolen,
Payment for your last order is now past due.
Thanks.
By the way, who doesn’t think Roger Clemens is on the ‘roids? Anyone? Anyone?
To: Woody Williams
Fr: Satan
Re: Our little pact
Time’s been up for six weeks now, Woody.
Mr. Morris…you’re next.
Hey, Desipio!
I love you guys! Especially Dolan…you asshole!
I’m doing the Reds-Stros tomorrow night
Troy O’Leary and Lenny Harris headed up last year’s bench, "The Stunt Men?"
Did they die in April jumping off a rooftop?
That Albert Pujols is going to win a Gold Glove! Did you see him make that routine pick up?
Are you making Troy and Lenny "the Fall Guys" for 2003?
Oh, I crack me up.
Chalk another saved baserunner up to my glove.
Wow, I’m a real prick, aren’t I?
Thats what you call pitching. God, I just realized how badly I suck.
Did Cal Ripken’s streak ever stop?
Just how dumb am I?
Clement just hit 80 pitches. when does Dusty shut him down?
Catch that Rolen!
I’m no Dez White.
I think Dusty should shut him down right after the 27th out.
You wouldn’t think a guy that old could hit a ball that far.
Did I just shush the crowd while my team is still down 2 runs?
Does anybody think that people watch SportsCenter because Chris Berman is going to be on it? I’d wager that people don’t watch it because he’s going to be on it.
Was Poo-Holes’ homer longer than the one he hit in West Side Grounds in aught-nine?
Hey Albie,
I can think of a place where you can shove that finger. It’s where your thumb normally is.
Wow, Chris Berman and Stuart Scott are doing SportsCenter tonight. That works out great for me because I have a couple of pencils I have been wanting to jam into my ears.
Sure, I’d like to single with nobody on base.
E-Lassie.
Hee hee.
Haha Edmonds, you pud.
Berman, I challenge you to a duel! Worn-out catchphrases and cliches at 10 paces!
Screw it, I’m giving Ramon a double.
He needs it.
My mistake, that should be an error.
What? You mean I’ve been overrated all this time? But I have a fool-proof way of getting on Sports Center. I slow down on easy flyballs so I can dive for them and make them look tough.
I also play way too shallow so balls can get hit over my head and if I don’t catch them, nobody thinks it’s because I suck.
After this, the Cubs go to Houston for two in Coors Light. Chip picked out something pretty…
No, really, I haven’t lost it. Don’t get anybody up in the bullpen or anything.
Wow. Made up for last week’s plodder.
also, the Cardinals go home for three with Pittsburgh. The folks in St. Loo have a big welcome planned…
I’m toast.
how did the cards score?
nevermind I looked you bums.
It’s Capt. Tightpants’ music!
Sit down, Farns. I’ve got this.
I’ve been gone for more than a half-inning. I’m a greasy-ass tonight.
Ouch! Macias!
I wonder if Joe and Jon could address whether or not Morris gave up four in the first and then none since.
Not liking things at the moment.
If LaTroy’s in now, it means Joe will pitch the ninth.
If we don’t score about six in the eighth, we’re in trouble.
Gulp.
I’m giving Kyle and Sweaty joe the chair-shot
Wow, I’m babbling now. Something about Matt Clement the point guard and Scott Rolen the shooting guard.
How about somebody shoot me?
I don’t like the way this is heading.
Hawkins for two innings tonight, please.
ESPN’s K-Zone is full of shit.
Kiko Calero coming in.
Let’s get some runs!
Hawkins got them out on 11 pitches. Leave him in.
But I’m not the closer … I don’t want Joe to feel bad about himself, you know?
Don’t worry fellas, I’ll just load the bases and get out of it. You know, the usual.
In April: .280, 3 HR, 5 RBI
In May: .242, 1 HR, 3 RBI
Shit, I’m outta Tums
In April: .351, 1 HR, 4 RBI, 7 SB
In May: .224, ) HR, 5 RBI, 3 SB
One more biscuit for breakfast.
Sit down, Joe.
Please.
Speaking of biscuits, here’s Ray King.
Dumbass Chip always says, "Ray wants to be judged by his performance not his weight."
Shit, how hard is it for a pro athlete to not be, EIGHTY pounds overweight?
You guys missed a fine episode of the Sopranos.
Did somebody say Biscuits?
Ix-nay on the Opranos-say. It’s waiting for me on TiVo when the game is over.
Ok, sorry. : )
Let’s end this, boys. Gotta get back to the Green Acres marathon on TV Land.
Ray King reminds me of a guy I used to play with, Al Holland.
Al was a fat ass, too.
Wow, I’m managing the shit out of this one, aren’t I?
Don’t worry, I can give you some insurance runs.
Hey, I just dunked in the T-wolves-Lakers game.
No, wait. That was Oliver Miller.
Please not Borowski. How can Baker not see it?
I should drive Derrek in here, shouldn’t I?
Borowski needs to start pitching to his old catcher, Jake Taylor
Can I hit for Ramon?
Hollandsworth’s on deck.
Wish we had Hollandsworth to pinch hit for Ramon.
Walking Barrett can’t possibly come back to haunt me or my mullet.
"You got any better options?"
Doesn’t matter who’s hitting, I still suck.
Cross your fingers.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love Regular Joe as much as the next guy, but this is suicide.
He has nothing he can throw to get Pujols, Edmonds or Rolen out. Maybe he should walk them all and try and get Renteria, Porter and Matheny out?
This isn’t terrifying or anything
The people in the bleachers are going to need Tommy John surgery from throwing so many balls back.
All sliders it is.
I’m as twitchy as hughes’ colon right now
Joe, is that you?
Wow, even I wouldn’t swing at that, Edmonds.
Did I just miss a fastball down the middle?
Corey, you would have never gotten past the first pitch.
Never any doubt.
Cubs win!
Welcome back to first place.
Part of me wishes Borowski would blow some save opportunities, so Hawkins could be the "official" closer
Ok, Joe we have a deal.
Screw those non save situations. They aren’t worth my time.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Joe, long time, no see
See I told you Joe could do it.
Is that Pujols in the dugout shooshing the crowd?
Did Albert Pujols shush the crowd after his pop out?
Welcome back, Cards. You’ll have to share a seat with the Brewers.
How many games did we pick up this weekend?
Huh? We lost one?
Everyone go to cubs.com and vote for me as their favorite player, I’m at 6%
Aaaarrrghhhh… only 2 minutes of Sportscenter and my ears are already bleeding.
Shhhhhhhh!
I’ve got the Cubs’ record for consecutive save opportunities converted.
Step off, bitches.
well Joe Bo makes for another exciting ending! i’m glad baker didn’t pitch Farnsworthless or we would have been singing a different tune. baker learned from his mistake in St. Louis using that loser. thanks coach.