For whatever reason, perhaps it’s just everyone’s respect for their elders, octogenarian slugger Albie Pujols gets a pass whenever he breaks out his boorish behavior. In the past nine months alone the Cubs have seen him throw a tantrum at home plate after a strikeout, hit a meaningless homer in a loss and take an obscenely wide turn from home plate to first base, get tossed out of a tie game for swearing at the home plate umpire (for calling ball four while he was batting) and last night he gave the crowd the “shhhhh” sign as he rounded third after a homer in a 4-3 loss.

The Cardinals will say that Pujols is young (we know that to be nonsense) and though he looks mature (because he’s in his early 30s) and plays so well (he’s a great hitter, but that doesn’t mean he gets to act like a jackass) that we all think he’s older than he is.

They claim he’s 24 years old. If he’s 24, I’m 22.

Now Pujols has a bad hip. Not a surprising malady for an older man. He’s on pace to go on the DL in June with an enlarged prostate.

The Viagra endorsement should be along next April.


The Cubs are the shell of the team they could be if they could ever get everybody on the field at the same time. And yet, according to today’s standings they not only are tied for first place in the NL Central but they are tied for the best record in the National League.

Only Anaheim and Boston have better records than the Cubs.

It’s probably time to face the fact that the Cubs will never be completely whole this year. Even when The Franchise comes back, and Kerry Wood’s puffy tricep comes around, somebody else will get hurt. It’s just how things are.

I find it amusing that people act like the Cubs are the only ones who have pitchers who get hurt. It’s not like Andy Pettitte was on the DL this year with a bad elbow, or Jason Schmidt, or Jake Peavy or Sidney Ponson or Billy Wagner or…you get the point.

The Cubs also don’t purposefully lie to the media about injuries. Not that George Ofman or Rick Telander would ever believe that. What they do is always give best case scenario stuff to the media. Can you blame them? If I were running the Cubs we wouldn’t give any medical information out. We’d be like college football teams where you have to wait for the game to start to figure out how healthy somebody is.

The weekend series with the Cardinals was interesting for a few reasons. The Cubs and Cardinals were on national TV all three days with three different sets of announcers. On Friday, they were on WGN with Chip and Steve and for whatever reason, Chip and Steve spent the whole game openly rooting for the Cardinals. It’s not my imagination. They talk about how great Albie is at first base (he’s average…how nice for him), they talk about what a great story Chris Carpenter’s comeback is (he’ll fall down a sewer grate sometime in July), they go on about what a genius Tony LaRussa is. Do we think Al Hrabosky is waxing eloquent about the Cubs on the Cardinals broadcast?

And it’s only going to get worse. Tuesday and Wednesday night we get to hear about six hours of Craig Biggio love from Chip. I’m going to wear a poncho.

On Saturday we got the always smug Joe Buck and the smarmy Tim McCarver. Here’s the scary thing, these two were the best of the announcers on the weekend. Buck is a prick, but I can at least respect that he doesn’t pretend not to be. McCarver’s just a moron.

Last night, Jon Miller couldn’t tell the difference between Matt Clement and Matt Morris. There was one subtle difference, Clement won the game. Morris lost it. The Anti-Christ was all over the place, like usual. It just amazes me that ESPN, the most powerful network in all of sports pays good money for dimwits like Morgan, Chris Berman, Stu Scott, Stephen A. Smith, Harold Reynolds, Jeff Brantley, Rob Dibble and Michael Irvin. It has to be just an attempt to make Digger Phelps, Lee Corso and Peter Gammons look positively brilliant by comparison.


I was flipping around the MLB Package yesterday and caught a little of the painful Brewers-Pirates game. Steve Blass was the color announcer for the Pirates and instead of talking about how Andy Pratt has become the new him, he instead was giving his rundown in the division. Here’s what he said. “I think Houston’s easily the best team. Then the Cardinals, though we haven’t seen them. The Reds are bad. The Cubs didn’t impress me at all. They’re still the Cubs.”

The Cubs haven’t impressed him? The Cubs are 4-1 against the Pirates this year and in the last two games beat them 21-2! He’s apparently a very tough…and very dumb…crowd.

I’ll tell you who’s bad, Steve. The Pirates.

Last night’s Sopranos ranks as one of the year’s best, obviously. Three moments in particular.

– Adrianna telling Chris she’s been talking to the Feds, followed by him punching her in the face and then nearly choking her to death. After he stops choking her…SHE apologizes.

– Adrianna crawling on all fours away from Silvio.

– Chris telling Tony he did a little heroin because he “can’t stand the pain.” Only to have Tony punch him, knock him to the floor and start kicking him in the ribs yelling, “How’s this for pain?”

But the best moment was Tony trying to work out a deal with Johnny Sack where Tony would kill his own cousin, only to have Johnny piss Tony off so bad that he told Johnny to “F@#$ off.” Thereby starting a war between New York and New Jersey. It’s about time. We’ve only been waiting for it for six years.


Don’t forget to click on a Google ad…or four.

The Cubs scored often early (as Miller reminded us all night) then not at all and in the end, Regular Joe made quick work of Albie, Lassie and Rolen.

Matt Clement, Regular Joe and LaTroy came up big when it counted. Any series win over the Cardinals is a big one. Because we hate those f@#$ers.

Sammy is standing upright again. Something Scott cRolen-magnon will have to do some more evolving to accomplish.

Sure…now the prank was on the class A catcher.

Kerry’s getting a bone scan. That’s good…right?

Groucho’s all over the place in this one. I like the fact that here’s a guy who plays for Skipper Bologna. I’d prefer to play for Skippy Peanut Butter.

E-ramis came through in a big way.

Chris DeLuca thinks the Cubs are after Ichiro. If only it were true.

Peter Gammons loves the Wilsons! I still think Carnie’s creepy looking.

Rasheed Wallace has guaranteed a game two victory. Too bad he didn’t do that for game one.

Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.

I like this headline, I immediately thought Sexson was a horse. Wow, when he goes free agent and signs with the Mariners next year, it’s going to be one collossally bad trade for the D’backs.

The Bush twins are posing for Vogue. Can Playboy be far behind?

Simon Cowell says Britney’s getting fat.


Yeah, she’s huge. What is with the hair on the gay guy she’s kissing?

Yeah, Michael Jackson’s not weird…at all.

Garry Trudeau is apologizing for Doonesbury, and not because it’s never funny. He’s apologizing for this.

America’s finest news source says that the funeral just looked cheap.