The first truly big series of the season starts tonight. I’m sure you can argue that the two series against the Cardinals so far were big, and they were, if you live in a home that you insulate by stacking hay bales around the tires.
When all is said and done in the NL Central it’ll be up to the Cubs and Astros to sort out who gets the shiny gold trophy (do they give a trophy for a division?), so tonight’s takes on real importance. The Cubs will play the Astros 12 times between now and July 1. They’ll have to do most of it without Sammy Sosa and Kerry Wood and it’s still up in the air as to how much The Franchise will be around for.
The Cubs come in missing some key players and the Astros come in after losing five in a row.
Wow, a real Clash of the Titans, huh? Somebody call Harry Hamlin.
Or at least Bob Hamelin.
You know what I hate? I hate it when newspapers do the position-by-position matchups for a big series. I especially hate that Craig Biggio’s early season hot streak means that he’d win his. So we’re not going to do that. Especially since if you compare the Cubs offense to the Astros, the Cubs only win at third base and catcher. And since Bako’s going to catch tomorrow night (though he doesn’t have too, Dusty) even that’s in doubt. Sure left field is a draw, but that’s about it.
Instead let’s look at the Cubs schedule the next six weeks. It’s not pretty.
May 24, 25 at Houston (24-20)
May 28-30 (four games) at Pittsburgh (19-21)
May 31-June 2 v. Houston (24-20)
June 4-6 v. Pittsburgh (19-21)
June 7-10 v. St. Louis (23-21)
June 11-13 at Anaheim (29-16)
June 14-17 at Houston (24-20)
June 18-20 v. Oakland (25-18)
June 22-24 at St. Louis (23-21)
June 25-27 at White Sox (25-18)
June 29-July 1 v. Houston (24-20)
July 2-4 v. White Sox (25-18)
Gulp.
The Cubs knew all along that this would be the toughest stretch of the year. It’s 38 games in six weeks against some of the the best teams in baseball…and the Pirates. It could get ugly. How much can you get by with actually playing Jose Macias, Damian Jackson, Tom Goodwin and Rey Ordonez? It looks like we’re going to find out.
Realistically, if the Cubs could have modest success, like, say, 21-17 they’re in great shape for the last three months. If they go .500 they’re still alive. But if they have a disastrous stretch, like 14-24, it might not matter if they get to full strength by mid-July. It could all be over before then. So that’s what’s staring them in the face. All that’s at stake is everything.
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Let’s break down the teams in that run. Just for fun.
Houston
The Astros have the best offense in the National League and Clettitte has combined to go 11-1. However the heterosexual part of Houston’s rotation is only 9-10 and the bullpen that Chip Caray fears so much has been bad. Can Clettitte keep it up? No. So just about the time Roy Oswalt and Wade Miller figure it out, they’re improvement will be tempered by Clettitte feeling it’s collective age. Offensively, the Astros have been solid up and down the lineup. But The Beege can’t keep up his hot start, and Jeff Bagwell’s right arm is falling off. When healthy, the Cubs are better than the Astros. You just wonder if they’ll ever get to prove it.
Pittsburgh
That sucking sound you hear is the Pirates. When last the Cubs visited them they took both games in PNC Park by a 21-2 score. The Pirates are getting good play out of Carnie and Wendy Wilson, and have one good starting pitcher. Their best outfielder decided to go home to the Dominican and sit out the season. That’s a good sign.
St. Louis
If you can’t win two out of three against the Cubs when they serve up the Meat Tray and Glendon Rusch in the series, you’ve got problems. The Cardinals have not taken advantage of an early season that saw them with mainly home games. Their pitching is mediocre, their bullpen is bad and overworked and while they have four guys who can rake, the other four regulars in the lineup all blow.
Anaheim
The best team in the American league, and probably baseball, are the only ones who have suffered more losses to injuries than the Cubs. Cry all you want about losing Sammy, The Franchise and Wood, but the Angels lost the guy leading baseball in homers for the season, and MVP season candidate in center field, and Darrin Erstad. OK, so losing Erstad wasn’t a bad thing. But if you can go 29-16 with hearty helpings of Chone Figgins and Jeff DeVanon, you’re pretty good. Plus, hanging out in Anaheim is no fun, just as the Sox, who get pantsed every time they play there.
Oakland
If you can avoid facing all three of the Big Three in a series, you have some hope. And Barry Zito’s not having a great season, but Mark Mulder is the lefty answer to The Franchise and Colby Donaldson look-a-like Tim Hudson is an obscene 68-4 in his career when his team scores more than four runs in a game for him. Yikes. Why did the Cubs have to draw these two AL West teams?
White Sox
We get accused of pretending they don’t exist, and that’s not true. We just forget sometimes. The Sox are playing well of late. They throttled the Twins over the weekend and are back in first place. You’d think their fans would be happy. But apparently their hobbies include a) growing mullets, b) rotating the tires on the house, c) running the extension cord out of the “skylight” and plugging in the 19″ Zenith in the car park so they can drink Natural Light and flip back between the Sox and Nascar, and d) pissing and moaning about all the attention the Cubs get.
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Don’t forget to click on a Google ad or three…or six before you go.
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Last night Brad Nessler and Doc Rivers did their best to convince us that the Pistons-Pacers game was a defensive thing of beauty. But come on, the Pacers shot 27 percent for the game. Reggie Miller had a breakaway layup to tie the game and the savvy veteran slowed down to try and draw a foul on Tayshaun Prince only to have Prince block it to save the game. Oops! Ron Artest shot 5-21. Why is Ron Artest shooting 21 times? Why is Ron Artest leaning in on every shot and picking up offensive fouls? Of course, the answer is that Ron is insane, but we knew that. This the guy who used to do naked pushups in the Bulls’ locker room.
Only one Pacer, Jeff Foster, shot 50 percent for them. He was 1-2. Yikes. And they still almost won.
It was interesting, but it wasn’t pretty.
Sort of like Janeane Garofalo.
Only, without the annoying radio show that nobody listens to.
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A woman in Arkansas just gave birth to her 15th kid. This apparently is impressive. Big deal. I have a friend who was the 13th of 16 kids. This hillbilly has given birth to two sets of twins over the years. My friend’s mom didn’t have any. Mary’s mom gave birth 16 times.
I’m not saying it’s right. Both sets of parents are obviously insane, but this is news in the same way that it’s news whenever some cops find a house with 230 cats living in it. I have one cat and when he drops a bomb in the cat box you’d think a yak was living in that room. I can only imagine what it’s like when 230 of them just let fly wherever they see fit. Just like I can’t fathom what it’s like to have to live with 14 brothers and sisters. I have two and there were times when mom and dad looked like we were about to become a Lifetime movie about the day the parents snapped and tied us up in burlap sacks and took us “swimming.”
I’m sure that Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar (not making the Jim Bob part up) of Tontitown, Arkansas think they’re bringing the world joy and happiness by having 15 kids (Michelle is still only 37, so she’ll probably have 20 before it’s all over). I’m glad my friend Mary’s mom had her, but as far the other 15, well who needs ’em?
The worst part is that Michelle and Jim Bob have a strange Roger Clemens fetish with naming all of their kids so they have the same first letter. Get this crap: Their children include two sets of twins, and the parents have stuck to the letter “J” for their names. There is Joshua, 16; Jana and John-David, 14; Jill, 13; Jessa, 11; Jinger, 10; Joseph, 9; Josiah, 7; Joy-Anna, 6; Jeremiah and Jedidiah, 5; Jason, 4; James, 2; and Justin, 1.
Jedidiah? Look, when you get to Jedidiah, you are out of names. Just stop it. You were already pushing it with Jinger with a ‘j’. They named the new one Jackson. How about they try and name the next one orthotricyclen?
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We’ve all heard about the cicadas and how they only come once every seventeen years. Just like Karry Ling. Well, if you’ve been on the lookout for an elusive blue-eyed one to claim your $1000 Internet prize, well, you’re a dumbass. Just like all of the dumbasses who passed along the chain e-mail that said that Microsoft was testing a new e-mail software and would pay you $1000 for every person you forwarded the e-mail to. Just go stand by the mailbox, I’m sure that check is coming real soon.
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Wood’s tricep is still achy and he’s out for at least two more weeks.
The Cubs and Astros have had their moments. My favorite one was the bogus runners’ interference on Tony Eusebio that gave the Cubs their 87th win in 1998. Without that call, Rod Beck blows that save and the Cubs miss the playoffs.
Phil Rogers loves Texas. It’d be nice if he’d just go back.
Groucho says the Lakers don’t like the T’Wolves. Who cares? The Lakers have one of the three dirtiest players in the history of the NBA in Karl Malone. If you’re wondering, #1 would be John Stockton and #2 was Isiah Thomas.
Rick Morrissey goes off on NBA stars who don’t want to play in the Olympics in Athens. Larry Brown’s freaked out about it, too, because he’s worried he’ll be the first US Olympic coach to lose with pros. Look, if I had to choose between playing for my country and having to eat lamb for two weeks while terrorists try and kill me, I think I’d pass on the lamb.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to play doctor. Eww.
The Lawnmower likes to box in the clubhouse. Yeah, this is brilliant.
The Wizard of Roz thinks we should care about the trainer the Cubs fired. Sorry. We don’t.
Hey, ESPN Radio in Toronto is just as unreliable as it is here.
Mike Scioscia’s got a little Jim Riggleman in him.
David Aldrige thinks the Mailman should have been suspended for game three.
The Day After Tomorrow looks like every other disaster movie (bad), and this guy says the whole plot is not only inane, but impossible.
Jessica Simpson is going to be Daisy Duke, not Britney Spears. Good choice.
Scioscia’s had a little Jim Edmonds in him before, too.
The Day After Tomorrow looks idiotic, and while I don’t dispute what the guy says in the USA Today article, I wouldn’t trust him much either. He’s a member of the Cato Institute, which is the same Think Tank that takes money from tobacco companies to tell people that cigarettes aren’t bad for them.
That’s okay,
At the rate I’m gaining weight, I’ll soon be auditioning for the Shelly Winters’ biopic.
"8. May 25, 1995: After giving up three runs in the fifth inning at the Astrodome, Cubs pitcher Jaime Navarro throws his cap and glove in the dugout, apparently upset at an error by infielder Rey Sanchez. Meanwhile, Sanchez kicks a bat on the other side of the dugout, and it hits reliever Doug Jones in the leg. Navarro and manager Jim Riggleman then quarrel over Navarro’s "body language." Pitching coach Fergie Jenkins says, "Jaime has to grow up emotionally.""
Big deal. That’s more important than Kerry Wood’s comeback in May 2000 when he hit a homerun and he and the Cubs beat the ‘Stros?
I think not.
C’mon, Andy… "Jedidiah" is a perfectly cromulent name. Why, it embiggens the noblest man. Everybody knows that!
What is it with Rozner digging up these obscure people for us to be sorry for? I don’t know what Tumbas was making a year, but I’m sure it wasn’t peanuts. Guess what Barry, I’ve got a mortgage to pay, and the Cubs won’t give me a high paying job either. How about writing an article about me?
Sure left field is a draw, but that’s about it.
Negative – Berkman might be the best player not named Bonds in the NL.
Did you like my scoop on Gary Miller’s urination arrest?
Maybe I should spend more time here.
Actually, Barry Rozner is the one who clued me in about the Desipio website a couple of years back when he mentioned it concerning the Farns shagging/punting baseballs and breaking his foot.
Perhaps Roz was trying to remind some forgetful people of the irony of the conflict. Whatever the case, he may not write 100% entertaining and informative columns, but I’ll take his batting average over anybody else in town.
Good thing I have those compromising photos of the Roz … otherwise, where else would I showcase my witty humor?
Do you realize they pay me to write this crap?
Dave, I like Rozner’s column’s most of the time. However, I take issue with him (and most other columnists) who try to exploit sentiment because they can’t think of anything else to write about that day. Does anybody really read the sports page to gain a new perspective on life? The only thing worse than sob stories are the ones that try to convince us that certain athletes are misunderstood/really good guys/just like you an me. Like now I’m supposed to believe that Milton Bradley isn’t a pain in the ass because he’s on the Dodgers. We’ll see what happens if LA ends up in 4th place. I think my favorite example of those articles is when Rick Riley wrote an absolutely glowing piece on Bill Romanowski, health fanatic/family man/wiley veteran/misunderstood jerk. 2 days later, Romo punched out a guy on his team, and was later named in the BALCO scandal.
I like Rozner and think he’s the best of the Chicago area columnists. I could use less of the Ben Christensen stuff, but perhaps that’s over now. I felt sorry for the guy who got hit, but let’s not pretend that he was going to be Mike Piazza. Rozner’s been great to us here, though, and is one of the nicest guys out there.
In fact, I’d say Barry Rozner is just like Dave Kaplan, except Rozner’s not a weasel and Kaplan is.
OK, so maybe he’s not "just" like him, then.
I also think Rosenbloom gets completely screwed over by the Tribune. He’s funniest when he has a column every day and his running jokes can build some steam. Basically they signed him to a big contract a few years ago and rebuilt the sports page around him. Then they panicked and gave up after about three months, and he’s been serving out that contract in obscurity. It’s a shame.
I must be on crazy pills if I just read that Rosenbloom’s running jokes are funny to someone.
Yes, SpongeJohn SquarePants would have been hilarious if they allowed him to belabor it every day instead of every other day.
A daily colum for Rosenbloom – this is horrible, this idea.
Crazy Pills, if Rosey’s not funny, then who is in your world?
Spike O’Dell, maybe?
Sloth, you crack me up at a pretty good rate, and I’m not saying that to be a wiseguy. Maybe it’s because you’re not trying nearly as hard.
But come on, someone’s immediately an Uncle Bobby O’Dell fan if they’ve had enough of Rosenbloom’s forced, repetitious little slogans?
If any of his stuff is even mildly amusing the first time, which is rare, his plane is boarding before the next 70 times that he writes "Jauronstedt" and that’s the whole joke.
Thinking about football, the Slum-Times must prevent another year of Dan Mann’s Friday NFL betting deal.
If his picks were better than my chimp’s (and he didn’t resemble my chimp), I might understand his value.
Either he goes, or he puts a Desipio-ite (Desipian?) on his weekly panel to replace Mylinda the Cheerleader in outpicking the likes of Dan McNeil and Mike North.
HEY DAN MANN’S MY GUY!
SO IS DA COACH!
AND JERRY REINSDORF!
AND ANYBODY THAT WILL GIVE ME A FREE MEAL! I’LL SELL ANYTHING AND CALL YOU ‘MY GUY’ IF YOU GIVE ME FREE STUFF.
God I have no integrity.
Mike, is your microphone on? I can barely hear you.
The one nice thing I can say is you must be more tolerant than me to not have the urge to call Uncle Fritzy to wack out that wife of yours every time she does that horrible laugh.
WHO SAYS I DON’T HAVE THE URGE.
ACTUALLY MY PLAN IS FOR THE LEEEEETTTLLLEEE GUYS TO "ACCIDENTALLY" DROP A NEW 900 LB HDTV ON HER HEAD AS THEY’RE SHIPPING IT TO PAPPYLAND.
WITH BEBE’S INSURANCE PLAN, I THEN PLAN ON BUILDING PAPPYLAND II.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
How am I still on the radio?
From tonight’s "Cubs Live!", to ensure it gets a little more public consumption:
Since we are all in a depressed mood with the Cubs down to Houston right now, I figured I would cheer you up with some news. Since I live in downstate Illinois that means I get Fox Sports Midwest (Read: The St. Louis sports channel) instead of Fox Sports Chicago (Read: The Cubs’ channel until the end of the year when it will show the "Best Damn Sports Show Period" and "I, Max" 24 hours a day for the rest of eternity. But I digress.) here.
Anyway, tonight FSM had a call-in show where Cardinals fans were practically in tears (Okay, not that bad, but close enough for my liking) about their precious little team. Complaints here, complaints there, complaints everywhere. One fan even had the audacity to complain about Jim Edmonds’ "lack of hustle" on grounders and in the outfield (And, when your own fans are seeing this problem you know you’re in trouble).
What made it a double bonus was that FSM had Jim Hayes (He’s a reporter, and a sucky one at that, for FSM) as their studio analyst, and he only acted like a jackass to some of the callers. One caller took a couple seconds to start asking his question about the Cardinals making a move. Hayes said that the caller should make a move "to a place where he can ask his question quicker". This guy needs to learn some manners, along with learning how to report the sport of baseball.