We have waited forever¹ for this.  Starting tonight, the Cubs and Cardinals are playing a playoff series for the first time ever.  The only thing at stake is the veritable soul of baseball.

Will the Cardinals and their backass “Cardinal Way” beat back the plucky, young Cubs, or will it be a victory for guys who actually enjoy playing baseball?  At some point, the pathetic eye-for-an-eye Cardinals douchebaggery will come out in spades.  It will be up to the Cubs to not just advance to the NLCS to continue their quest for a World Series, but it will also be up to them to restore sanity to the game we all love.

Hercules didn’t have a labor this impossible.

But these Cubs…the guys we have fallen head over heels for a little bit more every day for seven months…these Cubs are up to the task.

The time for the Cardinals has passed.  It’s over.  It’s done.

Baseball has never needed the Cubs more than it does right now.  America has never needed them more.  Hell, they’re fighting for all that’s right in the Milky Way.

So let’s break it down all scientific like. On to the matchups:

First base:  Anthony Rizzo v. Matt Adams or Mark Reynolds or some other weirdly shaped white guy

Rizzo struggled offensively on Monday night, which means he saved up a couple extra hits for the Cardinals.  Anthony, maybe more than any other Cub, relishes this matchup.  I have no doubt he will come up big.

Adams got hurt and missed a lot of time, and had the Cardinals been smart they’d have traded for the Brewers’ Adam Lind, but they didn’t, they got Brandon Moss instead.  Mark Reynolds will start at first when Lester is pitching.  Oooh, how terrifying.

Second base: Starlin Castro v. Kolten Wong

Nobody gets under the skin of pious Cardinals fans like our boy Starlin does.  They don’t like anything about him.  Now that he’s hitting again² he’ll drive them even crazier.  If, unlike me, you don’t love Starlin, now’s the time to hop on the bandwagon.  Believe me, it’ll be worth it.

Wong’s a good player.  Hopefully he’ll fall on his head chasing a pop-up again and concuss himself.

Shortstop: Addison Russell v. Jhonny Peralta

Since the Cubs moved Addison to short they’ve been unstoppable.  That one move solidified a shaky defense and just made everything right.  Cardinals fans are still scarred by his diving stop to end that Saturday game in the last Wrigley series between the two.

Peralta doesn’t as much play shortstop as he’s been installed there like a statue.  His range is however far he can fall to either side.  The proven steroid cheat slumped in the second half, so I’m sure they’ve upped his dosage for the playoffs.

Third base: Kris Bryant v. Matt Carpenter

From August 1 on, all Kris Bryant was, was the best player in the National League.  He’ll be in full KB: Destroyer of Worlds mode in this series.  At some point Cardinals fans are going to be smacked in the face with the reality that most of these Cubs are going to be kicking their asses for a decade.  That should be fun for them.

Carpenter is the Cardinals’ best player.  I’m sure the time off this week will be good for him since we know that he occasionally has to take time off to catch up on his naps.

Left field: Kyle Schwarber v. Matt Holliday

Who am I to preview Kyle?  Take it away, buddy:

AFTER SEASON GAMES ARE FUN.  KYLE HAVE FUN IN PISSBURGH.  KYLE TELL THEO TO GET A KAYAK SO HE COULD CATCH MY DINGER.  THEO LAUGH REALLY HARD, BUT DON’T GET KAYAK.  KYLE GO BACK TO OUTFIELD SPOT CLOSEST TO CUBS DUGOUT THIS WEEK.  TEAMMATES TELL KYLE NOT TO ACCEPT RIDES HOME FROM GAMES FROM CARDINALS PLAYERS.  KYLE DON’T WANT TO BE IN CAR THAT CRASH INTO TOWTRUCK.  KYLE CAN’T PROMISE TO HIT A DINGER EVERY TIME, MAYBE JUST HALF THAT.

Kyle’s career postseason OPS is 2.333.  I think he can keep that up.

Oh, great, Matt Holliday is back.  He can’t really run³ but I’m sure he’ll find a way to cheapshot Addison and Starlin around the second base bag, it’s his specialty.  The last time we saw him, Jake Arrieta was hitting him in the head.  Seems like a plan.

Center field: Dexter Fowler v. Tommy Pham or Randal Grichuk or Jon Jay

If Dexter can stay in full 2003 Kenny Lofton mode, this thing is already over.  His strong second half poured over into the wild card game, and no reason he can’t keep it up through St. Louis, at least.

Pham sucks.  Grichuk only has one arm, and Jay is the slowest player maybe in the game⁴.  Grichuk hit a pinch homer against the Cubs late in the season and Cardinals fans immediately declared him the Rookie of the Year over Bryant.  This is what we’re dealing with, gang.  They’re delusional.

Right field: Chris Coghlan or Jorge Soler v. Jason Heyward

There’s a chance Bryant could get a start in right during this series if Joe wants to get Javy Baez or Tommy LaStella’s bat in the game at third, but Coghlan is likely to get most of the starts out there with Jorge getting the Jaime Garcia game.  Coghlan seems like the kind of guy who would have an inexplicably great or terrible postseason.  Let’s go for inexplicably great.  Jorge’s going to have a moment in this series⁵.  One we’ll long remember.

Hey Gary Jones…don’t run on Jason Heyward.  Thanks.

Catcher: Miguel Montero or David Ross v. Yadi

If the series goes five, David Ross is going to get two starts.  I’m sure the Cardinals, of all teams, appreciate his leadership.  Miggy got the only non-Dexter or Kyle hit off of Gerrit Cole on Monday.

Look, Yadi’s going to play, and we’re going to have to hear how gutty he is to be playing with a bad thumb.  It’s all bullshit.  Miggy’s been playing with a bad thumb for two months and he just doesn’t make a big deal out of it.  The good thing is that Yadi’s not really any good anymore.  His OPS+ was 80 this season.  We want Yadi to play, because we don’t want Cardinals fans to blame this loss on his absence.  We want him to be there to have to watch it all first hand.

Starting pitchers: Jon Lester, Kyle Hendricks, Jake Arrieta, Jason Hammel (oh God, no) v. John Lackey, Jaime Garcia, Michael Wacha, Lance Lynn

Yes, it sucks that the best pitcher on the planet will only get one start in this series, but if Jon Lester is your consolation prize, that’s pretty damned good.  To put it simply, Jon is one of the very best postseason pitchers ever.  He’s the perfect guy to have starting the first and last games of this series for the Cubs.  He was already in game one mode during the locker room celebration Monday night.  Sure, he was jumping around like the other guys, but when Kelly Crull interviewed him he was serious and he was the only guy the rest of the team didn’t fuck with when he was talking.  This will be just fine.

I’m glad Hendricks is getting the game two start because he’s been pitching very well.  I doubt he’ll be asked to go too deep, though with Trevor Cahill, Travis Wood and Clayton Richard on emergency call in the bullpen at a moment’s notice.

Imagine the scene if the Cubs are up 2-0 with Jake on the mound in game three at Wrigley.  The Cardinals simply cannot beat him.

If it goes to game four it’s either Hammel ⁶ or a bullpen game.  Ugh.

Lackey was really good against the Cubs this season, and he’s also been a very good postseason pitcher.  He’s just such an asshole, though.  He deserves to take a beating in a playoff game, and the Cubs are just the bunch to do it.

Garcia’s tough at home, but the Cubs enjoy lefties.  The Cubs absolutely pounded Wacha and Lynn late in the season.  No reason that should change.

Bullpens

Unlike the wild card game, the bullpen’s going to have to do something in this series for the Cubs.  But allow me to explain how the Cardinals screwed up big time with their lame “let’s hit Rizzo” shit in that last series.  Because that stupid move caused the umps to issue warnings to both teams, the Cubs lost Hector Rondon after one pitch with a three run lead in the ninth.  Zach Rosscup came in and struggled.  That meant the Cubs had to go to Pedro Strop.  Pedro had been great against any team except the Cardinals, who he had epically struggled against.

So Pedro comes in and all hell is about to break loose.  Only it doesn’t.  Pedro gets two outs.  Then this happens:

Sure, it took an incredible play, but Pedro escaped a jam not of his making and now he knows he can get the Cardinals out.  He wouldn’t have even been in the game if not for Matheny ordering the “hit” on Rizzo.  Thanks, Mike!

Adam Wainwright is in the Cardinals bullpen for this series.  He’s pitched three innings since April.  Last year they put Wacha on the playoff roster after being hurt most of the season.  Here’s how that ended:

Benches

The Cubs depth is silly.  They’ll start games with starter-caliber players like Soler, Javy, Coghlan and Austin Jackson on the bench.  Not only that, but most of the team plays more than one position.

Stephen Piscotty and Grichuk will be useful extra men, you know, if Piscotty’s brain isn’t still swollen and Grichuk can actually throw a baseball more than four feet.

Managers

There are a lot of strings to pull on the Cubs, and Joe does an amazing job at it.  The Cubs will be ready, they won’t be intimidated and if, god forbid, they don’t win, it’ll be because they got outplayed.  They won’t give anything away.  That hasn’t always been the case.

Matheny’s career record is very impressive.  Especially for a guy who had to retire because his brain had turned to soup.  One thing you can count on, at some point, the Cardinals will pull some fake tough guy shit…

…and the Cubs won’t have any of it.

This is going to be fun, and it promises to be the first of many between these two teams.  The Cardinals might as well get used to losing them.

 

1. Technically, we’ve LITERALLY waited forever for this
2. And he saved a two homer, six RBI game just for the Cardinals last month
3. But what’s new?
4. A race between him and Trevor Cahill would last forever.
5. In a good way, to be clear
6. Nooooooooooo!