Pitching matchup
Hou: Brandon Duckworth, 1-0, 6.23
Cubs: Glendon Rusch, 2-0, 3.42
Lineups:
Houston
The Beege, cf
Adam Everett, ss
Jeff Bagwell, 1b
Jeff Pornstache, 2b
Fat Lance, lf
Richard Hidalgo, rf
Morgan Ensberg, 3b
Brad Ausmus, c
Brandon Duckworth, p
Cubs
Todd Walker, 2b
Michael Barrett, c
Moises Alou, lf
E-ramis Ramirez, 3b
Todd Hollandsworth, rf
Derrrek Lee, 1b
Corey Patterson, cf
Ramon Martinez, ss
Glendon Rusch, p
I’m so happy!
Hey, we missed the first pitch.
And the second!
Oooh, I got hit by a pitch.
That felt so goooood!
I’ll show you my bruise when we get home, Chippy!
That’s my "escape from Milwaukee" face.
"We had a spate of showers."
Did Moises stop by the hotel?
We’re back!
Whee! Batting practice started early!
That’s all you Astros get!
Don’t make me angry.
You won’t like me when I’m angry.
I was lucky
I just used the word "togs!"
Just how gay am I?
Hey, Jeff Pornstache is using my batting stance! Nobody stands that far from home plate to bat without paying me a royalty!
Pony up, hayseed!
Hit batsman.
Bunt.
Home run.
K.
Bloop single.
I own these guys!
Everything’s up so far.
Note to self, cut the pre-game Viagra in half.
"Patterson has seven steals. Everett has seven steals. For their respective teams."
Well, who the else would they have them for?
Over under on the Cubs/Astros: 19
Over under on the Pistons/Pacers: 21
Duck worth?
I’ve got a million of them!
Signed,
Alex Kaseberg
Could Jeff Kent be any more immobile at second base? He looks like he’s playing defense sitting in a lawn chair.
"Bagwell with a nice stretch to catch that throw. By the way, a lot of people think Albert Pujols will win a Gold Glove some day!"
Sure, I’d listen if John McDonough called for me to replace Captain Nepotism.
http://www.foxsports.com/named/public/FS/Regional/biosFull/298
Nobody runs on me!
Caught stealing, 2-4.
Is Brandon Duckworth my twin brother?
Spooky.
The Astros aren’t hitting rockets…
Well, except for Bagwell.
"That ball was hit on the button," said Chip.
Is there a button on the ball or the bat?
"Hollandsworth has faced Duckworth only one time. He’s 2-3 against him."
Huh?
Hey! How much is a Hollands worth?
2-1!
do we really need sammy back when we have me?
Hey, you know why I wear my pants so that it looks like I just took a dump in them?
Because…I did.
if sammy ever comes back, baker should put me at first base since lee isn’t hitting jack.
Hey, Fox just showed a graphic that says I only swing at the first pitch 40 percent of the time.
I actually hit the first pitch fair about .4 percent.
Hello Corey
Hey Buddy, call me back when you hit about 480 more homers, OK, buddy?
We’re proof that nobody wants to win the Eastern Conference.
After one quarter
Indy 23
Detroit 11
Eleven!
This inning
Bagwell
Berkman
Kent
No problem!
K
Don’t even try cause you won’t get me.
HR
OK, maybe a little problem.
I hit that with my stache
Hey, I got hit in the melon with a pitch!
I’m surprised anybody ever misses the damn thing, it’s so big it has its own gravity!
Our announcers love me
After seven outs. Is that bad?
Scott, buddy. Here’s what you can expect now.
Next week, they’ll yank a toenail out of you.
Then a month later you’ll get suspended for having a corked bat.
Buddy.
I’m going to give inning-by-inning (if not batter-by-batter) updates for every team in the division. That won’t annoy anyone, seeing that’s it only June 1, will it?
I have the most unathletic name ever, and I look more like Xerox salesman than a player.
I’m sorry guys.
I’ve got nothin’.
I thought I looked like Bob Stoops
Steve is excited that Brad Ausmus has his batting average up to .260 this year.
Nothing better than maxing out at sweet, sweet mediocrity.
And I look like a Maloof brother.
They should let Morgan wear the visor instead of a cap. Actually, to complete the Stoops-a-like look he could wear a headset on the field, too.
If you need me during the bottom of the third, I’ll just be over here in the corner of the dugout, continuing to play with fire.
Don’t make fun of me I am the great coach of the Oklahoma Sooners
Gave it a ride…
but no.
Ka Boom!!
I’m 1-1 with a homer this year when Chip shuts up and they play one of my sound bytes during the pitch.
Did Chip just mock George Ofman?
That’s very much like Clay Aiken ripping on William Hung.
Chip has a report on Scott Rolen’s condition. I don’t want to play doctor, but let’s just say the Cardinals have hung his jersey up in the dugout and the guys are writing SR 27 on their hats.
After three it’s Houston 3, Todds 2.
Score at the nine minute timeout of the second quarter:
Indy 26
Detroit 19
Score at the five minute timeout of the second quarter:
Indy 26
Detroit 19
Ug-lee!
Uh oh. I sense a new nickname coming up.
Chip has been doing baseball play-by-play for at least 11 years now, and he still has no concept of how far a ball has been hit even seconds after it leaves the bat. How is this possible?
Wouldn’t this be like living in a foreign country for 11 years and never learning a word of the language?
Am I alone in this?
Screw it, I’m going to get a beer.
Or nine.
I’m cruisin’ now!
Am I playing point guard for the Pacers? No wonder they’re struggling to score.
My ears double as twin-engine propellers.
Piss on that, Asstros!
I’m old.
I pee on myself.
And I can f@#$ing rake!
Game tied. 3-3.
Is this me?
![]("http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:0hruTadIgBsJ:www.stalcer.com/images/news/dobby.jpg"/)
Or is this me?
![]("http://mlb.mlb.com/hou/espanol/images/db_photos/roster/Everett,Adam.jpg"/)
Am I pitching for the Astros?
Just hit it to Ensberg.
Bases loaded, nobody out.
How many pitchers will the Astros use tonight?
My guess, seeing as Duckworth went three innings is 14.
I’m warming up!
Me too!
Are talking lefty match up versus Patterson. Jimy Williams is an idiot if he doesn’t know Patterson hits lefties better then righties.
never seen a first pitch I didn’t like. Right, Randall?
A strikeout here wouldn’t be good, would it?
Anybody?
That’s right Korey. The Pittsburgh sausage can’t be beat!
That’s right Korey. The Pittsburgh sausage can’t be beat!
Our best shot here would be for Glendon to get to bat. He’s a better hitter than Ramon.
I’m just not good.
Call me up!
Apparently, it would kill me to run hard to first.
1-2-3 double play.
At least I’m making you miss Alex.
Bases loaded, no outs = Death.
Christ he almost hit me.
what fudgepackers! i’d sit their ass down for the rest of the series. basesloaded and nobody out and that’s what they do. can we score a run with baseloaded? you got to be kidding me?
Ramon…you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Since Friday, the Cubs have had the bases loaded and not scored…FOUR TIMES!
How is this possible?
zero hits. Ouch.
It’s totally possible
Did somebody mention me on the TV cast?
We had the bases loaded and didn’t score 97 times last year!
Not really. We just made that up.
Do you mind if I use the phrase "bases loaded magic"?
I can pour some gas on this fire, can’t I?
Steve says we’re "Up and coming!"
Not only is that very gay, but in our last ten games we’ve scored three runs or fewer NINE times!
Who hoo!
Hey, you on Waveland! Get ready!
Kelton!
You’re never playing again!
Go find Wellemeyer!
More at bats for me!
Dubois? Who’s that?
Time to vulture a win!
For me…not for Ernest or Julio Gallo.
I already am better than Regular Joe.
Wow, check out my booze nose. Impressive.
I got hit in the head and left tonight’s game.
Scott,
We know.
Yeah we know Scott so Shut Up
I musta caused Scott to lose track of time. Since everyone else knew that about an hour ago.
I am 68 years old.
Hey, I’m in the booth with Pat and Ron and will be singing the 7th inning stretch!
We wanna call Moises "the cobra"
Hey, that’s me!
Nothing like a 37-32 game 4 minutes into the 3rd quarter.
It’s fannnnnntastic!!!!!!
Which Astro is a first ballot HOFer?
Andy Clettitte
Roger Clettitte
Jeff Bagwell
Craig Biggio
Jeff Kent
Three of these guys will not be going to Cooperstown (at least not on scholarship) and the one who looked like he has a dump in his drawers is not going in on the first ballot.
Stupidest. Question. Ever.
The answer to the Fox question is Phil Garner.
I’d probably get a few votes…
Hey, how many winning teams have had a score under 70?
We will find out tonight.
Any relation?
Shouldn’t the Astros strategy be to let the Cubs load them up with nobody out?
Seriously, I was in the sky box for the last 2 hours…and I have to sing. What do you think I’ve been doing?
Vote for me!
The bases are loaded and so is Rick Sutcliffe!
If this happens again,
and the Cubs do not score…
No Google ads for me!!!
You can just shut this whole site down!
Remember when I hit that grand slam?
Click on the Google ads and the Cubs will score!
Astro’s bullpen will never see me
Or 1-2-3 or 4-2-3 or 5-2-3.
0-6 lifetime against Miceli with 3 K.
Remember when Eric Karros hit that HR against the Astros and was a hero forever? I wonder what that would be like…
…er Yankees, I meant.
That was the Yankees Derrek
Have there been two less clutch players hit back to back for the Cubs…ever?
Thanks Andy,
That strategy has really worked out so far.
Sound the death knoll.
Sincerely,
Corey
That was not good.
I did it yesterday, I’ll do it again!
Feel my wrath!
2-4 lifetime against Miceli
Take one for the team, Ramon.
Jesus Christ, send me up there!
Five times in five days the Cubs have had the bases loaded and nobody out and not scored.
This is a helluva way to win a pennant.
Did someone call?
No ad clicks for me!!!!!!!!!!!
This has got to be some kind of consipracy.
You think you’d score by accident one of these times.
Messenger.
Well, we don’t take pitches.
Dusty sit Corey
I mean.
Talking about the Beege, "you want to keep him off."
I think you mean "get" not "keep."
When do I start?
We’re getting better. This time it took three batters to kill the bases loaded, nobody out situation. Usually we do it in only two.
you’ll start when I heal
Kyle Farnsworth, RHP
Jimmy Anderson, LPH
What’s an LPH?
Lefty Pathetic Hurler?
"More bases loaded magic!!!!"
Sure, I’d play center if Jim Tocco called.
Whew! At least Dolan reserves his real bile for Bako. I mean, why not bash a designated backup who plays every fifth day instead of a bonus baby who gets worse after 1200 ML at bats instad of better?
Magic is an illusion.
Same goes for "bases loaded magic."
is what the bottom of the order hits like.
I’m hitting .625 (5-8) against the Farns.
Chip and Steve obsess over the damndest stuff. Adam Everett has seven stolen bases and suddenly he’s Rickey Henderson circa 1982.
please someone please shoot lee, patterson, and martinez. those three stooges are losing this game for us. can baker not figure that one out. pitch hit anybody for them.
Bagwell
Rickey has got to do what Rickey was meant to do and when Rickey puts Rickey’s mind to it, Rickey can really do some amazing things.
I’d rather have Chip on the radio than Andy.
C’mon, you can admit it, you miss me don’t you?
I’m good for 30-100 every year.
You can never have enough Major League Super Stars on your team.
Not to belabor a point, but don’t I look just like the guy in Boogie Nights that tried to steal Dr. Octopus’s money?
Hey, Masur! I’d do a hell of a job.
Oh, never mind.
I’m being held hostage in Sutcliffe, someone please free me. Use force if you need to.
Home of Rick Sutcliffe
Indiana 50, Detroit 46
Yes, I said the THIRD QUARTER is over. That’s the score. Really.
(66-64 the lowest scoring playoff game ever since the shot clock)
That’s me on the left.
![]("http://www.ptanderson.com/featurefilms/images/boogienights/behindthescenes/dirktheboys.jpg"/)
It’s Macias time!
Now that the Hugh Hollins has admitted that the NBA is essentially fixed, can the Bulls draft Ravishing Rick Rude?
50-46 is pretty average if you ask me.
Oh wait…
Rick is super drunk. Hi-larryous.
How’d you like my Corey Patterson impersonation?
If I weren’t dead, I’d be a hell of a 2-guard.
Well, I did the best I could.
I’m still upset they got rid of my batterymate Damian Jackson.
Hey! I’m modeled after Dave Kingman!
Batterymate = Double play partner
Wow.
Roger Clemens is pitching tomorrow or anything…so we can probably afford to lose tonight…
Jose Macias!
Now catching: Damian Jackson!?!
Is it like my red jock?
Hey, I corrected it!
Hey Steve, can I borrow that jacket? I just got the new REO Speedwagon 8 track player in my Camaro, and I want to go pick up some chicks.
Wow! Look how fat Rick Sutcliffe is now!
He makes me look skinny!
Goddammit!!!
I’m moving Barrett out of the #2 hole tomorrow and putting Patterson back in there!
You fools don’t know nuthin!
if alou, ramirez, and hollandsworth can’t score any runs together somehow, this game is over.
p.s.lee,patterson, and martinez- thanks for nothing you pieces of shit
Fuck you, Dusty. I’m moving Korey to Double A.
Where he hit a whopping .270
We just scored 2 in the top of the 10th.
There’s a new disaster movie coming out. It’s a sequel to The Day After Tomorrow. It’s called
The Cubs Have The Bases Loaded And Nobody Out!
We can’t believe we’re in first either.
I’m sorry. Korey hit a whopping .261 with 45 BBs and 115 Ks.
In only 444 ABs!
Do I have the Dennis Quaid role?
The new Cubs strategy. Have the Farns get Hidalog and Ensberg out. Score in the eighth, and then finish up with Ausmus, Mike Lamb and Beege.
Works for me.
I gave Dennis Quaid a "roll."
Two pitches and my strategy is blown to hell.
I can’t walk them if I let them hit singles.
Even though they run the scores at the bottom of the screen twice an hour, I feel the need to give older , more out of date scores to you out loud. It helps me fill every possible bit of dead air.
Aren’t we supposed to be booing this guy (Frans)? He’s sucked for 4 yers already.
#200?
The fans are booing Kyle, but cheering me!
You mean like Hans and Frans?
I didn’t get to throw this up the other day when I was at the Sunday game in Pittsburgh … the Pirates are doing promotions with figurines celebrating some ancient team, with guys like Willie Stargell and Dave Parker. We all know, however, who will draw the big turnout: http://pittsburgh.pirates.mlb.com//NASApp/mlb/pit/schedule/pit_schedule_promotions_popup.jsp?puid=12840
Boooo.
A SPAM LAMB!
On cheerleading night no less.
What do I care? The runs are unearned.
Keep hating me, Andy. Not Farns and Korey. Yeah, keep the bile on the backup.
I suck
Well, I haven’t blown one in a while.
F— f—- f— f— f—!
Blown one? Check the batters box.
We deserve to lose this one.
I’ll meet you guys at Murphy’s.
No we don’t. The ump blew that call at first.
you’re the only bullpen pitcher to give up anything tonight. why am i not surprised by that. you were so due for a loss.
bases Loaded, no outs twice. That should be 4 runs, minimum. Yeah, you deserve to lose, regardless of whaet the ump did.
Bases loaded, nobody out. Twice. Zero runs. Deserve to lose.
May be. But we also managed to hold the offense of the ‘Strokes to three at that point. Give and take. Just ask Chip.
Well, I finally flipped out and got a flagrant.
The Cubs
Who the fuck is Ron Artest?
Game 6 of a NBA playoff series
vs.
Another Cubs chokejob
Chokejob? That sounds like something I’d like to do to Beeege.
It’s more like a gagjob, honey.
seriously, it’s time to put lee, patterson, and martinez on the bench for awhile. please do yourself a favor at least.
Bag’s batting glove, that is.
Who is supposed to play if Lee, Patterson and Martinez are on the bench?
It’s June. I’m getting hot now.
Speaking of hot — would I look hotter if I’d grow my nappy ‘fro back? Maybe my dad would play with himself in front of me.
Who am I supposed to play? Macias, Dubois and Ordonez? Yeah, that’ll fix the offense.
We’ll play!!!
I’m bored in KC. Come and get me!
I didn’t play with myself in front of the ladies in the hotel, I just pointed it at them.
Bang!
Hoo ah!
Who’s on first, I Dunno’s at Short. And who the fuck cares who plays center instead of Korey?
That last one wasn’t a name.
Strike out swinging on 4 pitches.
Strike ut on 5 pitches.
Pop to short.
4 whole pitches?
I’M the one who plays with himself in hotel hallways. When I can find it, that is.
until we do something with lee, patterson, and martinez, we will not make the playoffs this year. every time we have a huge opportunity to score, these guys kill it. they will continue to hurt us too. baker and hendry need to make a move here soon.
Where was that the first two times?
Rey Ordonez is your key pinch-hitter?
Did I die? Where am I?
Rey Freakin’ Ordonez is pinch hitting?
Hey there, nocaps, I did okay in the playoffs last years. Don’t you remember?
Don’t laugh. My career average is higher than Patterson’s
Well, hell, MY career average is probably better than Patterson’s
Now you know why i liked you, Lenny.
.269 to .260, whaddaya know?
Detroit 69
Indiana 65
FINAL
How many TD’s did the Lions get? And since when do the Colts go by "Indiana"?
Drive home safely everybody!
Anybody who batted with the bases loaded for the Cubs.
Todd Walker for panicking on the two out grounder in the eighth.
The ump for then blowing the call in the eighth.
Farns for throwing a meat ball to Lamb.
Joe Dumars for thinking he could hide his gut with that untucked shirt.
Night, guys!
Who the fuck is Joe Dumars?
Farns and Walker sure didn’t do their team any favors in the 8th, but if the Cubs had actually scored 4 or 5 runs those two times they had the bases loaded with no outs, it wouldn’t really matter.
This wasn’t any one player’s fault, it was definitely a group effort.
Rusch does the job again and the bullpen minus Farnsworthless did all they could do.
it is hard to continously play 6 on 12(the 9 astros and Lee, Patterson, and Martinez.)
please all three of you bastards go to a bar, get piss drunk, and hurt yourselves tonight. so that way you will be on the dl and not hurt us anymore.
for all you Lee lovers out there, why are you sucking this guy’s dick. he hasn’t done shit for us this year except hurt us like he did in last year’s playoffs. except this time it is him not hitting instead of hitting. so shut the hell up about this sorry son of a bitch.
we just better hope that the Franchise coming back on Friday puts some energy into those who are slumping. please Franchise, work your magic and work it quick.
p.s. kerry wood, get healthy with those snatch cramps.
Remember when I got those huge hits to kill the Cubs in the NLCS last year? That was awesome.
Jim Hendry should be on the phone today, FINALLY, for once tying a can to that worthless piece of mangoo, Kyle Prettyboy Farnsworth. Call Allard Baird. Call Omar Minaya. Throw in Kelton and Brownlie. Try to get C. Beltran or O. Cabrera. And use that piece of trash Farsnworth to GET WHAT YOU WANT, Jim.
40,000 fans. Warm night. Hot chicks. Brad Friggin’ Ausmus is at the plate w/2 out and what does Frat boy do? Try to show off by repeatedly trying to pick Hidalgo (not the horse) off first base. What a stupid showoff. You know what’s going through his head, don’t you? "I’m so cool, I’m going to put on a show for the ladies and the all the suppressed homo frat boys and pick this guy off. They all think I’m so cool even when I suck. Tonight, I’m getting carried out of Murphy’s."
Instead, he lets his fielders get flatfooted while he puts on his display, DOESN’T strike Ausmus out, CAN’T field his positon and, even though the Cubs got screwed out of the call at first, when it was time for Prettyboy to get all serious again, Mike Lamb goes all Mike Mordecai on him.
Steve Rosenbloom, this one’s yours. For free. Take it.
Kyle Farnsworth, your plane is boarding.
Enjoy Kansas City or Montreal.
It is not that easy to move the Farns, Lee, Patterson, Martinez, etal. You people don’t realize that I would have to bust up the whole organazation to get Beltran or Cabrara for three damn months. People need to stop bitching about not going after Beltran. It isn’t going to happen. Beltran is not coming to Chicago, except to play the Sux. There will be no moves til July so find something else to bitch about. Everyone wanted Alou gone back when he was injured and struggling, but look at him now. It helps to have players in their contract year. Aramis and Mosies are prime examples. We will sign Aramis this winter and he will come out struggling next year and you people will call for a trade. Mosies will walk and you will say should have re-signed him. Keep living in the past, could of, would of, should of. Don’t watch or listen to the games if you can’t handle the bad results that could happen. But trading for Beltran is not going happen, so live with it. Be a true Cub fan and not fair/foul weather.
The GM
Hey this year’s going pretty good!
Jim,
I’ve been calling for Farnsworth to be dealt for a while, long before he crapped on the mound and let Mike Mordecai–he of the 8 RBI all year–beat him in the playoffs.
Now that FRANK Beltran has proven himself capaable of getting big leaguers out late in games, even WITHOUT crapping his pants–yoo could, in fact, deal Farnsworth with others for a good player.
Why would Allard Baird pass up, say, Farnsworthless, Kelton and Brownlie right now? You yourself can tell him that he won’t get much better in late July, and you’d be right.
Mike D.
I agree with you about dealing the Farns, however I don’t think Mr. Baird will bite on that deal. The Farns is not a hot commidity right now. My message was mainly intended for the few fellas out there calling for Lee, Patterson, Martinez, and the Farns’ head. Hell I cannot trade the whole team by June 15. This isn’t the damn stock market. I do agree that the Farns should be first to go, if possible. But Patterson for Beltran is never going to happen fellas. F. Beltran is ready to take charge of this bullpen so the farns could be leaving shortly. How about Farns for Lofton. Farns would love those NYC sluts.
Hey, Jim, many people use me while watching a frustrating game. Of course you’re not going to trade for Carlos Beltran. No one ACTUALLY thinks you’d do that.