And you thought tradition in baseball was lost forever? In the olden days of baseball–you know when the world was black and white and people walked funny–there were some things you could count on in baseball. There aren’t that many things you can count on these days. Sure, we still have some traditions. The Cubs, for instance, now wear that wretched blue jersey six days a week. Apparently, they’re hoping their shirts will smell worse than their baserunning. Dusty Baker has a cute little tradition where he brings in Kent Mercker and Mike Remlinger to pitch to lefties, even though neither of them can actually get a lefty out.
Back in the day, everybody played doubleheaders on Sundays. I know this to be true because Ron Santo thinks he remembers it used to be true. Huh?
Yesterday, the Cubs and Angels played 15 innings and for more than five hours. If you think yesterday was tough to watch (at least until the happy ending), consider that it was only the second longest game the Angels lost this WEEK. Ouch.
The game had plenty of drama and intrigue. It looked like the Cubs would win it easily in regulation when Vlad Guerrero did something that Harry Caray once put so eloquently.
“How can a guy from the Dominican lose a flyball in the sun?”
A dropped flyball, a wild pitch and it was 4-1 going into the bottom of the eighth. Hell, this’ll be easy!
However, the Angels had one of those evil lefty batters due up. Acutally it was switch-hitter Chone “call me Shawn” Figgins. So Dusty brought in Kent Mercker. Figgins obviously doesn’t read scouting reports because he turned around to bat right handed. Perfect! Mercker loves righties.
Kent Mercker, 2004
v. LHB .385 batting average, .990 OPS
v. RHB .143 batting average, .429 OPS
Mercker struck out Chone. Angels manager Mike Scioscia (a member of the Lou Piniella-Billy Connors school of guys too fat to wear their uniform top, so they wear a windbreaker no matter the temperature) played even more into the Cubs’ hands by pinch hitting right handed hitting Cabbage Patch Kid David Eckstein for lefty Adam Kennedy.
Eckstein singled.
Then, the Farns came in to face Vladimir Guerrero and Garrett Anderson. Vlad hit one so hard it nearly burrowed its way to center field. Anderson hit one off the Disney theme park ride in center. It was 4-4 and after The Farns walked the great Jeff Devanon, and then let him steal second (and nearly third) you figured it was going to be 5-4 and that you were going to have to stick your head through the TV. But The Farns struck out pinch hitter Jose Guillen (can you believe they pinch hit for Pope Josh Paul? On a Sunday, no less?), the Cubs had lived to fight another inning.
And another, and another, and another.
In the top of the 11th, Derrek Lee (who is wearing a bumper sticker on his forehead that says, “Kiss Me, It’s June!”) doubled for his fourth hit of the game, to lead off the inning. Corey Patterson reached on his second bunt single in two days. Read that last sentence again. Hmmm. Curious.
By the way, Leon Lee has the same bumpersticker…but he doesn’t wear it on his forehead. But there’s a “fore” in it. Eww.
OK, so the Cubs have runners on first and third and nobody out. Tom Goodwin is pinch hitting. Chip Caray assured us that Goodwin’s “groin feels great!” and I think we’ll all just take Chip’s word for it. Goodwin hits a weak, little chopper (does he ever hit anything else?) that Ramon Ortiz has to lunge for to the left of the pitcher’s mound. At home, in Chicago and all points north and west, we fans were jumping for joy because the Cubs had scored to take the lead. Only, they didn’t, because Lee never went home.
What are the odds of Waivin’ Wendell not sending a guy home at third on a play that obvious? It wasn’t hit right back at Ortiz. He was lucky to even field it. How do you not send the runner? You’re Waivin’ Wendell! You didn’t get that nickname for nothing!
Desipio has a mic planted in the third base coaching box in every big league ball park and we caught the actual audio.
Ball hit to left of pitcher’s mound
WENDELL KIM (to Derrek Lee)
Go! Stop! Go! Stop! Go! Stop!
Out made at first
WENDELL KIM (to Derrek Lee)
I had to hold you there, you wouldn’t have been thrown out by enough.
Jose Macias struck out for the inning’s second out and the Angels walked Todd Walker intentionally to set up a force at every base and bring up Michael Barrett.
Barrett singles up the middle, only to have that little bastard Figgins make a tremendous diving play behind the bag, and then toss the ball over his shoulder to second. Thankfully, second base umpire Bill Miller thought Walker was safe and the Cubs did take a 5-4 lead. At full speed, Walker looked out, but on the replay he looked…out.
Scioscia’s windbreaker made an appearance on the field to argue, and then Moises got around to grounding out to actually end the inning.
LaTroy Hawkins came in to get the save and all was right with the world. The Angels even gave him a free out to start the inning by using celebrity pinch hitter Kathleen Quinlan to start the frame.
Kathleen singled to start the inning. Apparently Hawkins was star-struck.
Alfredo Almezega bunted her to second, even though it looked like Hawkins could have thrown her out at second. I mean, sure she was in Apollo 13 but she doesn’t exactly have rocket booster type speed. But when Shawn Figgins fouled out to left, it looked like it wouldn’t matter. One of the Molina brothers (does it matter which one?) went 0-2 and was outclassed. He fouled back a high fastball. The Cubs started packing up the dugout. Then he chopped one off of home plate. It went so high that Hawkins had no play and suddenly there were runners at first and third. Guh.
Vlad Guerrero got his 143rd RBI single of the series and it was 5-5. More baseball! Whee!
All was calm until there were two outs in the bottom of the 12th and Casey Kotchmann launched one to right field. Now, just the night before, Steve Stone was saying that when you watch Todd Hollandsworth play every day you see a guy with enough talent to have been a perennial All-Star. He’s right. Todd’s the best defensive outfielder the Cubs have had in a long time. He’s their best baserunner by far and a very good pinch hitter. Then, he catches the Kotchmann blast by jumping up into the wall and leaving a face dent in the padding. You can see why Hollandsworth has spent so much time on the DL during his career. It was a great catch, and saved at least a double, maybe a triple.
Three innings later, the Cubs finally got around to scoring again. Yes, they had defied the odds and trudged through four innings of scoreless Jimmy Anderson and John LeICEster relief.
A word about the Iceman, LeICEster. What the hell is with the superfluous ICE in his name? He pronounces it Lester, so he’s not really using any of those letters for anything. Oh, well.
Lee got his fifth hit to lead off the inning. Patterson reached on yet another bunt. What? Huh? Three bunt hits in two days? I’m so confused.
The Cubs never do anything the easy way. They tried to bunt Lee and Patterson to second and third, but Ramon bunted it too hard and Lee was forced at third. Then Jose Macias, for the second straight at bat started out 2-0 and then struck out without ever seeing a strike. Nice.
So, it was up to Chip Caray’s elusive (and overstated) two out magic. Todd Walker singled, Patterson out ran the arm of Vladimir Guerrero and maybe, just maybe the game would end!
The Iceman started the 15th (his third inning of work) by getting Jeff Devanon to ground out. Then he gave up a single to Tim Salmon, because we wouldn’t want this thing to end 1-2-3. But, he struck out Casey Kotchmann and got Kathleen Quinlan to fly to a semi-concussed Hollandsworth and the Cubs had won two of three in Anaheim.
All in all, a great game, and these marathon things are always better when you win. The Cubs are 6-11 this year in one run games (which means nothing) and 4-2 in extra innings (which also means nothing). Tonight, The Franchise goes up against Roger Clettitte. That should be fun. Gamecast at seven.
—
Sammy got his hacks in down in Jackson, Tennessee yesterday in a game that got delayed for two hours because of a tornado. Sammy left when he was told that a tornado is like a hurricane, only on the ground. Sosa struck out, walked and singled in a run in three plate appearances. How about he just heads to Houston tonight? Does he really need two more games in Dogpatch?
—
It was long, but it was a good game yesterday.
The Franchise is looking forward to facing Roger Clemens tonight. In honor of Clemens, I retired from work on Friday only to come back Monday morning.
Dusty wonders if his bullpen is shot for tonight. How tired could The Farns be, he hardly threw any strikes?
Did you read Bill Jauss’ account of the Notre Dame baseball team’s ouster from the NCAA Tournament last weekend? See, I told you Avani’s not that bad. They sent her to Jackson to hang with Sammy.
Notre Dame’s radio problems would be solved by recruiting the black analyst, right Paul?
Jackie Chan talks to Rosey? Why?
Groucho says all the Bulls need to do to win is find guys who’ve been around for a while. Hey, sure! Just add Antonio Davis (third team), Jerome Williams (third team), Kendall Gill (sixth team) and Jannero Pargo (third team) and you go to the Finals just like Detroit!
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to pretend he went to Jackson, Tennessee for Sammy’s rehab assignment. I like it when he calls it “small town America”. Jackson’s got 60,000 people in it. It ain’t huge, but it ain’t small. It’s full of hicks, but at least it’s full. And by the way, of the three, go to Backyard Burgers. Chik-fil-a is closed on Sundays, anyway.
Mike Kiley says that Cubs have until the end of the month to extend Chip Caray’s contract. Oh, please don’t! By the way, it’s nice that Mike can be so gracious and complimentary of Chip and Steve’s broadcasting abilities, considering he doesn’t watch the games on TV. Stow it, fanboy.
Reason #12,124 why I just pretend the Sox don’t exist.
The Marlins’ could be after Carlos Beltran. Then it says they can’t pay his whole salary for the rest of the year, so they won’t get him. Nice article.
Tuft McGraw says the Bulls are in a dealing mood. Ooh, and he says that Arvydas Macijauskas is ready to sign with the Bulls! I think you know what that means!
Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.
Sports Guy looks back at OJ.
Even at 80 he’s not bright enough to not jump out of a properly functioning airplane?
Time rode along with the box that contained Ronald Reagan. Exciting stuff, here.
America’s finest news source says an LA Woman (cue Jim Morrison–not the old White Sox infielder) is revising her friends’ list after her lastest birthday party.
Alex Kaseberg tries three different punch lines to the same level of effectiveness. That level would be non-existent.
The right moment?
*The Western Open golf tournament is now the Cialis Western Open. Let’s all hope, during an exchange between analysts David Feherty and Gary McCord, that a relaxing moment doesn’t become the right moment.
Now that the Western Open is the Cialis Western Open, I hope this doesn’t mean that NBC commentators Jim Nance and Johnny Miller will broadcast from matching bathtubs.
Now that the Western Open is the Cialis Western Open. Cialis is the erectile-dysfunction drug with the motto; “When a relaxing moment turns into the right moment.†That’s funny because, for a lot of guys, the right moment is when they’re out playing golf.
I think the asterisk is supposed to go by the “good” one. Eww.
Did Kaseberg misspell me, or just make me up?
Who is Jim Nance and does he work for NBC?
I’m anchoring NBC’s golf coverage now!
I kicked Mr. Hannah Storm’s ass and won the job.
Hey Larry, how about helping me out with a job?
I like Southpaw. Who doesn’t? I mean, he pays homage to Field of Dreams by batting righty despite being a lefty, just like Shoeless Ray Liotta. That’s so cool!
Take your choice, and death is not an option: Ronnie "Woo Woo" Wickers or Southpaw. Me, I’ll vote for the green, non-homeless one.
No wait — I’ll choose death. Or an all-night drinking and drug binge with Andy the Clown.
Dolan,
David Eckstein WALKED while pinch-hitting for Kennedy; he didn’t single. Merk’s Cheese was busy issuing his tenth walk in 16 innings to have given him anything to hit.
10 walks in 16 innings. Hey Kent, say hello to Mark Guthrie. When Woddy comes back, you’ve lost your job to Glendon Rusch.
I particularly enjoyed Chip’s call on the last out of the eleventh inning. Garrett Anderson got under a pitch and hit a routine fly to center and despite the fact that Garrett dropped his head in frustration and the centerfielder barely moved, Chip started his "deep drive" routine. When the CF caught the ball closer to second base than the outfield wall, Chip covered himself by saying the ball "inexplicably" died. What’s inexplicable is Chip’s ability to stay employed.
Let’s see…
– Visited Desipio. Check.
– Clicked ad for expensive watches. Check.
– Waited for pummeling of the Grandson after the early report of his de-meeeez. I mean demise. Check.
– Left Desipio to see if Big Stupid Tommy had anything good to say about Bob Barker today. Check.
I started watching the game at 1:05 pm (real time here on the Left Coast) and after the Cubs went down in the top of the first my wife told me that it was time to go to a funeral service. We left the reception following the funeral three hours later and I turned on the car radio to discover that the game was tied in the bottom of the ninth. We were home a half an hour later and I turned on the TV. The game was still on. After an hour I was exhausted and depressed (both from the funeral and seeing the Angels tie it up in the 12th inning) so I sat down to dinner without watchig to see if the Angels scored again. After dinner I said "what the heck" and turned on the tv to see the final score. To my amazement not only was the game still on, but Dreck Lee was still standing on first base. To my even greater surprise Patterson then got his second bunt hit of the game. I thought that I was watching a rerun of an earlier inning, but Chip assured me that it was the 15th. I toyed with the idea that it was I who was controlling the duration of the game by not watching the third out of the bottom half any extra inning. Then I realized that I could put a stop to it by sticking it out and making sure that the Cubs made the third out in the 15th. I will test my theory against the Ass-trolls. Watch out, Clettite! My Sony stays on tonight.
You’re telling me I wrote 3 jokes about Cialis, and didn’t once incorporate the possiblity of a 4 hour erection?
It was a walk, but it was a "hard" walk. Felt like a single.
Hey Kaseberg, there’s a Cialis joke in there somewhere!
I like this Kaseberg guy! Very edgy! Almost as funny as the Dancing Itos!
Andy, no gratuitous pictures of us now that we are 18?
Sloth, we didn’t figured we’d be hearing much from you anymore now that we aren’t jailbait.
Um, Mary-Kate & Ashlee…
I know you only got street legal yesterday, but one look at you two, and I’ve seen better wrecks at the Bureau County demo derby.
Drink a milkshake, for cripes sake?
If I’m not quite 18, but if I go out and get massive implants, then go around wearing ill-fitting dresses sans bra all the time, can Sloth talk about me?
After all, I don’t give a rat-shit about my virginal sanctity anymore.
How did I miss the obvious Cialis and driver/wood/putter/puttin’ it in the hole jokes?
We are hot? Eh, no. More like freakishly elfish. Not only do we have the facial features of munchins from the Lollipop Guild, we are also creepy with our twins-hanging-on-each-other schtick.
Never forget: we were spawned out of Full House, the vehicle that brought the eminently hateable Bob Saget.
Honesty compels me to say that the Cubs may start the 2005 campaign sans Chipster. My first inkling of this unsavory turn of events was when Stoney started calling me "Chippy Boy" during the pre-game show, and lately has been generally disrespectful of me.
I’d be happy to head down the interstate and start doing the games next year with Steve. You know, though, I’ll miss these 4,320 people crowds at home games. Oh, and I’ll be sure to bring dad’s wig with me!
Hey, "Dil" took out his own comment on how the Cubs game almost seemed as long as it takes to read my self-indulgent, negative, champion-of-the-obvious-in-a-humorless-way comment. Can I do that? What a pussy I am.
Sloth, you only have 18 more days to want me, too. And I’m busy all those days. Too bad, pig.
I attended my first Sox game at The Cell Saturday. I stopped in at Grandstand (the souvenir shop a couple blocks south of the park on 35th St.) and saw Eddy Curry there. He was purchasing all the size 8 throwback hats they had, as well as both a Cubs road and home cap. After a couple of beers at Jimbo’s (which makes Bernie’s look like a Hard Rock Cafe), we went to the mall, I mean park. Only one beer stand on the 100 level had beer worth drinking, that being the World Beer Stand in the LF corner. The rest of the 3,000 concession stands (you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one) had Miller Products, including several with Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap!
It was a nice evening for baseball, but I mentioned to my friend how it seemed like we were at an NBA game (echoed by Mike Imrem today in his column in the Daily Herald). The pre-game intros and nearly-constant music is a little annoying for those of us with attention spans. I do like the sound system much better than the crappy speakers they have at Wrigley.
As I’ve mentioned before, one of my problems with Sox fans is their inferiority complex when it comes to the Cubs. I sincerely believe that they are more concerned with how the Cubs do than they are with their own team. Plenty of "Cubs Suck" and "Chokers" shirts can be purchased from street urchins outside. The topper is a scoreboard ad they run between innings. It is a "We-They" thing that says things like "They: Got Wood, We: Got Lumber", "They: Think They’re Cursed, We: Agree", etc.. The one they forgot is "We: Are Obsessed With the Cubs, They: Could Care Less What the Sox Do".
Hello #19,
Glad to see you came back. Because your posts, like those of our favorite comedian Alex Kaseberg are always lame, and pointless, I was just going to remove them and ban your IP address from the site.
However, your IP address came up as something very interesting. It appears to be the very IP address of Alex Kaseberg himself. The IP address is leased by Road Runner, and appears to be coming from a Road Runner service area in southern California.
A quick check of your hilarious Web site at http://thordoggie.blogspot.com/ shows that your e-mail address is lexkase@san.rr.com.
The san.rr.com part is the home of Road Runner San Diego. Coincidence? I thought not.
So, after I’d deleted your posts, I felt bad, because we really like having celebrities here at Desipio!
So…welcome aboard, Funny Man!
#19…what the hell?
I’m dead! But then again, I’d been writing for Page Two for four years, so my career’s been dead longer than that.
Let me describe some of the stuff up here in heaven. Oh, screw it, Alex Kaseberg’s career is heading for me!
Hey Dave — I know the south side is all cur-azy with its numbered east-west streets that make it easier to tell where you are on the city grid instead of named streets that newbies tend to confuse, but if you were at a store on 35th street, and the Cell is on 35th, then you weren’t south of the park.
In fact, for this northside-living, southside baseball-loving boy, going south of 35th is not such a good idea.
Anyway, glad you made it out to a game at my park and had a decent time, and sorry they don’t serve Budweiser there.
At least for this Sox fan, my concern is with what the Sox do, not the Cubs — I’m too simple to have any complex. Hey, I even have ChinBeard Clement on the roto team that I care about.
Peace out.
Andy,
You are the man.
I’m clicking on the ads TWICE today.
Hey Alex–just tell your uncle Barry to stop ending his columns with your "jokes". It wreaks of nepotism. Or something. All I know is they’re not funny, and for the life of me, I don’t know why he puts them there.
An early Father’s Day gift for Desipio readers
http://www.catsprn.com/colorectal_surgeon.htm
Just what the **** am I supposed to be?
Sorry, got my directions confused a little bit. Anyway, if you’ve been to The Cell, I’m sure you know the store of which I speak. It’s a nice store, and it was nice to shop in a place without some clown screaming "Who’s next" from behind the counter, like the guy across from Wrigley.
All in all, I enjoyed the experience and would go again (except for a Sox-Cubs match-up or Half-Price Night).
I’m like Elmo, but green. And with a Fox attitude!
Don’t you just love the smell of us weasels who can dish it out but can’t take it?
That’s OK, Alex. We’ll just kick back and wait for you to get funny.
Dolan v. "Dil" Dolan — the wit here can only be topped by a GOP primary debate….
What? Like you never seen a furry frog before?
Hey Steve, they need us over at whitesoxinteractive.com, apparently they’ve stopped bitching about the Cubs and are actually talking about their own team!
I’m clearly the result of a drunken lovefest between Hawk, Oscar the Grouch and Denver the Last Dinosaur.
What, a brother can’t have some fun?
Careful, Yo, you say something up in here the man don’t like, he first erases you then he outs you.
Big brothuh is watchin’. Or in this case, little weasel brother.
They were gonna call me Sirotka, but I’m not quite freaky-lookin’ enough.
Click above!
OK, first off, I have no idea what Gary Payton had to do with any of this. I’m sure that kind of thing slays them at the Chula Vista Kiwanis, though.
Now take a deep breath, call your agent and see if she got you that walk-on on "Reba" that she promised you.
"Don’t you just love the smell of us weasels who can dish it out but can’t take it?"
I assume you’re talking about Andy. I supposed if the so-called "dishing out" was intelligent and…..FUNNY, then he’d beable to handle it better. It’s your moronic insane rambling, and not your actual barbs, which are annoying. You give yourself WAY too much credit.
So where ARE those pictures of Rozner that you keep handy, anyway?
No.
The way I saw it, I could either pee on myself or read Andy pee on everyone else.
I think I made the right choice.
Hey Mike D, where are the pictures of you and Andy at the Cher Look-alike contest?
I didn’t get Alex on "Reba" but there is a pretty juicy part that he is a shoe-in for on "Whoopi".
After his jokes were roundly mocked here, Alex Kaseberg proved he has no sense of humor.
Who knew?
Welcome to the club, Alex!
Wait, Tocco says you must be mocked 100 times to qualify.
Oh, screw that.
Forgetting me, boys?
"The way I saw it, I could either pee on myself or read Andy pee on everyone else.
I think I made the right choice."
Then why are you here, jackass? Killing some time before Kaseberg puts up some hilarious new material?
Me, too!
Oh, and Alan Massengale.
If I didn’t know better, I would swear Andy doesn’t like me or my jokes.
Nahhhh.
Where is the love? I mean besides between Mike D and Andy?
Not only can’t The Glove play anymore, but apparently he has lost all ability to trash talk as well.
Also, I only prayed for Ralph Wiley to quit writing not to die. Sorry.
#50…that’s actually pretty funny; which proves that you can’t be Alex Kaseberg.
Dearest Mike D:
Oh, it was me, my friend. Just ask Andy to trace the IP address like he did before.
Be careful, Mike D, or I will come up with a witty and mocking name for you as well. (See "Dill" Dolan)
Well, this has been an enjoyable waste of time, but I am going to go back and swim at the adult pool.
Andy, thanks for all the support and keep reading.
Smooches and tickles.
And go Cubs.
A.K.
Anybody want to hear some of my new zingers about how bad airline food is?
Take my life. Somebody, please, take my life!
I give more support than these boys gave you, Alex.
Now, let us go make out!
I always thought "Dil" was funny, back in 1992 or so when Beavis and Butthead were using it. Sounds like somebody needs to update their material…maybe with some Kato Kaelin jokes. Have fun in the adult pool Alex, you must be somewhat successful if you can afford to subscribe to those web sites. Try not to get your keyboard sticky.
Oh, I’ve got the new, updated material alright, CT. Just check out my new shtick, baby!!!
"Knock, knock…."
OK. I give up. Am I the only person who has never heard of Alex Kaseberg?
The problem, stew, is not that you’ve never heard of him.
The problem is I heard of him.
Oy, I’m sounding just as lame as Alex.
I just sign exclusive new deal with Mike Downey!
Now Alex have company as totally lame comic with sports column appearance!
What a country!!!!
I have signed on to provide comedy for Jay Mariotti’s column. Being the brains of the group, I don’t see how prop comedy translates to the written word. Jay seems to think it will work, though.
Hey Chicago, how do you put up with this Mike North guy? It’s bad enough that it’s 147 degrees here, but now this clown that thinks he’s Joe Pesci is doing his show from here for the next few days. Ugh!
Hey Houston, keep the little nitwit down there. Then maybe I can get my old job back!
Currently negotiating with Carol Slezebag.
You did not bas good ol’ Chip about his Arby’s joke that shut Steve up for a minute. You could just visualize Steve smacking Chip on the back of head and yelling "idiot". Please your thoughts Andy.
Houston, if you think Pappy is irritating, just wait until you hear me open MY mouth.
By the way, I hope I can record some more commercials into a hand-held tape recorder while I’m in Texas!
OMG, I completely forgot the Arby’s joke. I was watching the game with a friend who has only had limited exposure to Chip (lucky her) and she said, "Wow, that was horrible."
I just said, "you have no idea."
Hey, did you like the way I spent two nights saying that Anaheim plays National League baseball?
And then in about the 8th ininng of Saturday’s game I said "Man these American League games are exhausting!!!"
And, you’d think I would be the first to figure this one out…
…I finally get ‘Dil’.
ehhhh…average.
Gotta go. Gotta date with Evan Rachel Wood.
Heh. Wood.
I didn’t get to watch much of the games. What was the Arby’s joke?
Before the game there was a swarm of bee’s covering back stop camera. By the the 2nd inning the bee’s moved away. Steve said they must have went to lunch. Chip followed up by saying I wonder if they went to Arby’s. Or something like that. Steve was stunned. Chip had to ask him to say something
Uh-huh. OK. So what was the Arby’s joke?
Yes, what was the Arby’s joke, and what does ‘Dil’ mean?
If they get rid of Chip, I’m going to audition for the TV play-by play job.
Has anyone seen Bartman and Kaseberg together at the same time?