Yesterday we got some interesting news in the Sun Times. No, it wasn’t Carol Sleestak telling us how some drunken Cubs fan keyed her Saab in Wrigleyville. Greg Couch didn’t get his undies in a bunch about a ticket broker, and Rick Telander didn’t one-sentence paragraph us to death about pools of blood in front of the Cubby Bear.
Mike Kiley (aka Sharon Panozzo’s mouthpiece–eww) wrote that the Cubs have until the end of June to notify Chip Caray of their intention to bring him back for next year. I think I speak for everyone (at least everyone with double digit IQs or higher) when I say…
DON’T!!!!
If there is a God in heaven, Chip Caray won’t be back for 2005!
Look, I never wish for anyone to lose their job, especially in this economy, but it’s not like Chip won’t get another gig for next year. Somebody will pounce on that familiar Caray name and sign him to a three year deal. So it’s not about him being able to provide for his family. Besides, from all accounts, the family is imaginary, anyway. Is it a concidence that they hail from Fantasyland, USA–Orlando, Florida?
Chip doesn’t want to be here. He couldn’t even pretend to move the imaginary family to Chicago. They still live in Florida. The last I checked, Florida had two baseball teams (well, one…and the Devil Rays).
The perfect place for Chip to go would be St. Louis. He’s from there, he has family who still live there and you can tell when he does Cubs-Cardinals games that he still likes the Cardinals more anyway. The best part is that Cardinals fans would be stuck with him. Hell, those dopes would eat that stuff up. You don’t think this guy wouldn’t laugh everytime Chip said, “Battlin’ Buccos!”?
What can we do to make Chip go away?
OK, it’s not like we haven’t been trying. Over the years, we’ve developed our own Chip Terror Alert System:
We found a wedding photo of his:
We’ve penned an open letter urging his departure
We’ve heard from his former college roommate.
We’ve even found undoctored photographic evidence of him just being a dumbass:
So today, we’ll make one more case. We’ve already been through the obvious ones.
– Chip’s annoying.
– Chip thinks we don’t like him because he’s not his grandfather. No, we don’t like him because he stinks.
– It’d be nice to have an announcer who doesn’t complain about the length of games, make nine jokes about who got the check at dinner last night, or who shrieks with terror when a fight breaks out on the field or in the stands.
– Chip has been broadcasting Major League games for at ten years and still has no depth perception when it comes to flyballs or balls hit obviously foul. How many times have you seen a guy hit a ball foul and stand at home plate because he knows it’s foul, only to have Chip screech like it’s going to be a double down the line? Pay me a dollar every time he does this and I’ll buy the Cubs before the year’s over.
I could go on and on about his fetishes about “little ground balls”, “rocket shot”, “up, over and across”, “belted” and any number of annoying and forgettable catch phrases. But they’re not the worst part.
Here, in a nutshell is why Chip needs to move on after this season.
He’s long-winded, awkwardly dorky and pedantic. There’s nothing worse than being talked down to by a guy who is less intelligent than you in the first place. Is Chip horrible? No. But he’s the definition of mediocre. He has not one shred of actual talent that would cause him to rise above the median average of baseball announcers. The Cubs have a huge following. We deserve better.
While the Bears are too cheap to hire a real play-by-play announcer, the Cubs actually pay theirs. Just make sure you get your money’s worth next year. We’ll be fair to the new guy. Hell, we were overly nice to Chip for two years.
—
During last night’s GameCast I promised Jimmy Anderson a pizza if he’d pitch the final four innings and get the save. He did his part. So did I. Thanks to a handy on-line ordering system, I had a large sausage and pepperoni pizza sent from the Papa John’s on Montrose Blvd. in Houston to the Four Seasons on Lamar Street to be delivered to Jimmy Anderson. I even gave a five dollar tip hoping the delivery guy would be motivated to complete the task. Whether Jimmy ever got it is a mystery. But judging by Jimmy’s girth, I have a feeling any pizza with his name on it finds him.
Just how great was last night’s Cubs game? Not only did The Franchise look great (eight strikeouts, no runs in five innings) but the Cubs pounded Roger Clettitte. Then, Big Jimmy came in and threw complete salad up there but the ‘Stros kept tapping the ball to the shortstop.
So now, the bullpen has gotten some much needed rest and The Lawnmower (stiff neck and all–actually, that’ll just make him angrier) climbs the mound tonight.
Derrek Lee’s hitting everything, Todd Walker’s back from his 999 slump, Corey Patterson seems to have adopted some sort of clue and Sammy Sosa and Gruddy are coming back for the weekend. The Cubs are a scant two games out of first place. Oh, and The Franchise is getting stronger every outing.
We said it before, and we’ll say it again. The National League Central had all this time to bury the Cubs, and they didn’t do it. They’ll soon feel the wrath of the NL’s best team. Muahahahahahaha.
—
Sometime around the fifth inning last night, Steve Stone gave an impassioned defense of the Cubs’ coaching staff. I know I didn’t dream that. He talked about how hard they work, how many hours they put in and how tough it’s been with all of the injuries. If you read between the lines he was defending Gary Matthews job as hitting coach. He picked a good time because the Cubs have been pounding the ball for about eight days now. But to me, it sounded like Steve was getting a little emotional during his speech. That seems a little extreme. Especially since if you defend the Cubs’ staff as a whole, you defend Wendell Kim in the process, and we know he doesn’t deserve that.
—
ESPN billed it as Cy Young v. Cy Old. It sure looked that way.
How will Dusty find a way to work Gruddy into the lineup? Hey, Dusty finds ways to get Gabor Bako into the games, I’m sure he can find a spot for Gruddy.
Kerry’s 95 percent again. We know how that went last time.
Just how sad are the Sox that this is what they have to resort to, to get some attention? They’re in first place, right? They must be really confident in their ability to stay there.
On the bright side, at least we know who Alex Kaseberg is writing for these days.
Sammy’s 2-6 in his AA rehab. Can’t we just suit him up tonight?
Avani Patel says Bobby Brownlie has a “smoking fastball and a wicked curve”. Somebody get Jim Tocco her e-mail address.
If Jarvis Hayes is the answer, what is the question?
More sandwiches for everybody!
The Sleestak tries to have some fun with the Sox ad campaign. I said “tries.”
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to spin the yarn of five Lakers hanging out in a Detroit bathroom. Great?
Brad Doolittle puts together his top ten list of prospects the Royals should look at in Beltran deals. He says he’d make room for Corey Patterson or Sean Burroughs, too.
America’s finest news source on the new Medicare discount prescription drug card.
RE: Slezak column, and the whole new Sux marketing direction in general.
I, and we, have been saying for years that there is NO SUCH THING as a Sux fan, only Anti-Cub fans, and show me someone wearing the black-n-white, and I’ll show you an ethnic hyper-paranoid fuckmonkey.
It’s heart-warming to see it actually appear on the TV.
The #2 and #5 pages when you search for Chip Caray are the Terror Alert System and the "Open Letter to Chip Caray".
the Cubs have a guy who yells "woo";the Sox have a 6 foot booger in a Sox uniform for a mascot
Yeah, us South Siders never had weirdos in the stands.
They: Have wanted to pummel the guy who holds the job Tom Gamboa used to have.
We: Have actually pummelled Tom Gamboa.
Cubs: added seats to the park for more fans;Sox: took out seats in their park to make it look like there were more fans
I still hearken back to two situations that Chip completely mishandled and proved what a nitwit he is.
Exhibit A was the game in 2000 vs. the Dodgers when some assclown stole Chad Kreuter’s hat. It was a stupid move and the guy should have been ejected. End of story.
But Kreuter, proving that he was a BIGGER assclown than the instigator, went into the stands, followed by various thugs and punks on the Dodgers, and completely excaberated the situation, putting other fans (not to mention their own bank accounts) in danger. As stupid as it was for the drunk to take the hat, it was TWICE as stupid for the Dodgers to ENTER the stands.
So, while the situation is unfolding, what’s Chiperoo’s take?
"Folks, if you’re going to the ballgame, don’t be a moron."
Thanks for the PSA, Mr. "Thinks-He’s-Taking-A-Stand". Reflexively ripping on the fans while he doesn’t know what’s going on.
Exhibit B was when Mongo McMichael got the crowd riled up vs. the Rockies in August, 2001. I was actually at that game, and it was like 120 degrees, so the fans were already irritated. And, sure McMichael may have been a little irresponsible.
Which is why Angel Hernandez, the umpire, should have quietly just gone into the dugout, phoned upstairs, and had McMichael ejected. Instead, taking a page from the WWF, Hernandez turns around, stares–and then points–at McMichael and–again–exacerbates a situation that could have been handled much better. Having been there, I can tell you that Hernandez’ histrionics only FURTHER incited the crowd.
Again, "Mr. Controversial", as he certainly saw himself in his put-upon moral indignation while ignoring Hernandez’ ridiculous posturing, just piled on the big bully McMichael (of course, in typical Chippy fashion, not until McMichael was safely 300 feet away from the broadcast booth after being ejected during his interview), and laid into McMichael, shocking Joe Carter who was, up until that point, completely amused by everything.
That is all. Chip must go.
You’d think if they were gonna have a mascot that Ribbie or Rhubarb would have got another chance.
Hey now, we’ve added seats as well over the past few years at the Cell — rows AA-DD, plus the Bullpen and the Fan Deck in center.
Sure, that only adds up to less than a quarter of the seats we removed in the upper deck….
I’m a Sox fan for reasons that have nothing to do with the Cubs. And when the new ad came on the screen Friday night at the Cell, I just shrugged.
How appropriate that Sux stadium is refered to as "The Cell"?
I just saw a car with three bumper stickers – a Sox sticker, a Cards sticker, and a Marlins sticker. Now, you tell me, is that guy a Sox fan or an anti-Cubs fan?
Dave, are you typing behind the wheel again?
I just saw a post from a guy who referred to my team as "the Sux." Now tell me, is that guy a Cubs fan, a pedophile (it WAS Sloth), or an anti-Sox fans?
Yeah, Cubs fans are too busy revelling in their team’s goodness to get hot and bothered about what’s going on eight miles south.
If you look at the city of Chicago as a person, and use the legend 1 inch = 1 mile, then Wrigley Field is the belly button and the Joan is the asshole.
A$$H0LE
My favorite Chip Caray moment…when some AAA assclown comes into the game (like Andy Pratt), walks the first 3 guys on 13 pitches and hits the next guy, then Chip says, "well, Pratt just didnt have his good stuff today" or "Pratt just couldnt get the job done today". How about growing some balls and just saying the guy sucks….your grandpa used to do it all the time and he’s a legend
Memo to Cubs Marketing Dept.
Subject: Retaliation Marketing Campaign for Sox Series 7/2-7/4
They: White trash in the stands who attack umpires and opposing base coaches
We: People in the stands
They: Are obsessed with what the Cubs do.
We: Don’t give a crap what the team on the South Side does.
They: Have remodeled their "new" park several times in the past five years, including moving fences in for added offense.
We: Have a historical baseball stadium.
They: Have a crime- and poverty-infested neighborhood.
We: Have a lot of bars.
They: Have a mascot.
We: Don’t.
They: Don’t have a fifth starter.
We: Will soon have six.
They: Haven’t had Championship Series game in their home park since 1983.
We: Haven’t had one since October 2003.
They: Threw a World Series in 1919.
We: Wish we had the chance to throw one.
Wait a second, Dave. Remember the magical 1993 ALCS when Michael Jordan retired during Game 1, I stunk it up in Games 1 and 2, and the Blue Jays came back to Chicago to finish us off in Game 6?
Sorry, that was a typo.
By the way, Andy, great Sleestak reference. I think I’ve run across "Land of the Lost" on TV Land recently.
I wonder if there will be any way to confirm that Jimmy got his pizza.
Gabor spelled backwards is Ro-Bag…
And Chip – you suck…
We would prefer that Chip Caray not be sent our way during the offseason. We have our own little version of Chippy on the radio in Wayne Hagan.
My last name spelled backwards is OK-AB. And I have had few of those.
Hey Andy, how about posting some email address or snail-mail addresses to the Cubs’ brass so we can tell them to dump Chip.
Did anyone notice that I referred to Roger Clemens as Superman last night when he got a hit off Prior? I was thinking of Roger in the same way Fredo Corleone referred to the guy in Cuba as Superman in Godfather II.
I’ll take Chip’s job. I know the town. I know my partner. I know the employer.
Oh yeah. And I’m good.
![]("http://www.homestead.com/ClassicRadio/files/Staats.jpg"/)
I’ll do it…I’m looking for work anyway.
I can’t believe there was no comment on this in yesterday’s Dose. From Peter King’s MMQB, under 10 things I think I know:
"9. I think Rex Grossman will be in the top 10 in quarterback rating on Oct. 1."
How about me?
I’m a former minor league pitcher, I have a degree in communications from Auburn, I’ve worked for CNN, the Braves and done play-by-play for the Angels and now the Brewers.
And yes, my dad has the worst hair in broadcast history.
CT,
I’m just hoping Rex isn’t on the IR by October 1.
I’m a moron. What’s the significance of October 1, you ask? There’s none.
That would be through game 3, 2 days before game 4 against the Eagles.
And as we know QB Rating is, for the most part, meaningless anyway. It’s about completion percentage more than anything else, so I’m saying that Grossman will dink and dunk at a Top-10 clip for 3 games.
It’s refreshing for me to read this site for two consecutive days and not be the most bashed person on here. Of course, things will probably change back to normal in the future.
B.C.
You suck!
There, feel better?
Sincerely,
Chuck
Thanks Chuck. I knew somebody still hated me…
Don’t worry, I love you, B.C.
You were still in diapers when I doddered out of office and you don’t know the first thing about me, but you blathered out a nice eugoogly for me anyway, so you’re all right in my book.
Then again, I was in diapers, too, when I doddered out of office.
And I was in diapers when I doodooed in office.
And now I-88 — Chicago’s link to DeKalb — will be named after me. See, that Blajoyevitch does believe in bipartisanship….
I agree with every word that Andy has said about Chip. He’s talentless, condescending, and living off his ancestors.
But are you folks SERIOUS about Staats or Sutton taking his place? I slept through Staats & his horrible Jack Buck impersonation the first time around! Nothing like hearing him tell Marie Osmond how much he loves country music, or hearing him drone on about how great the Bisciuts & Gravy are at Bob Evans.
For those who have the baseball package, you know how awful the PBP men are in MLB.
I can’t think of anyone out there who I would like to hear on Comcast next year.
You know, I used to do recreations of Cubs games, maybe I should take the job.
Since I’m rumored to be the face (and bladder) of the new Comcast network, maybe I should just be the television voice of the Cubs instead.
Maybe I can fall back on some of my play-by-play training I picked up in Rockford and be the voice of your Chicago Cubs.
Mr. Reagan, not to upset you since you are gone and all, but the word is "eulogy", not "eugoogly".
And, I didn’t blather it out, I wrote it. And it wasn’t really an "eulogy" in the first place. Oh well.
I have to agree with #36, there aren’t that many good announcers elsewhere in baseball. Replacing Chip would be nice, but only if we could get someone who won’t drive us insane every game.
Steve Stone and I used to be a pretty good pair. Maybe I should reapply.
Sharon Panozzo’s mouthpiece is the same as a birth control sponge, right?
BC, I know you’re relatively young, but you’re old enough to know better than to buy into all the hagiography surrounding Ronald Reagan. He didn’t rise above anything; he was as much a petty, mean-spirited SOB as he was a prince.
Bill Freakin’ Clinton had higher approval ratings the day he left office than Reagan did when he left, but you’d never guess that based on the non-stop stream of cooing and babbling in Ronnie’s direction that has come pouring out of the TV over the past 10 days.
I’ve get a preety good pair, Thom. You don’t.
![]("http://www.osmica.it/per_te/immagini/attrici_attori/angelina_jolie/immagini/angelina_jolie_006.jpg")
My littttthhhhp ithhhhhh even more pronountttthhhhhed now than it wattthhh when I wathhhhh wittthhh the Cubthhhhhh before. I’ll gladly leave Texthhhhatttthhh.
Remember my immortal "Party on Chicago!" call when the Cubttthhh finally won a game in ninty ttthhhheven??
Thom, I believe there is still a bounty on your head in the state of Illinois after your terrible, one-sided calls of Games 6 and 7 of last year’s NLCS with your buddy Steve Lyons and guest analyst (And former Marlin, what the hell?!?!?) Al Leiter.
Would it be so horrible to just slide me over from the radio booth, or are there already objections to this?
I’m sure Dan Roan or someone can help Ronnie fill in his scorecard and douse his toupee.
Pat, the rumor I heard was that the Cubs may consider moving Masur (I have no clue on his name’s spelling, so let’s go with that) to the TV booth and allowing you to stay in the radio booth.
Especially because the Cubs don’t want you to have to take those extra eight steps to the bathroom in the sixth inning.
BC, regarding your eugoogly, you need to watch Zoolander, to understand what a truly talented eugooglizer is.
Folks, I wasn’t writing an eulogy. I was just including some thoughts I had about him. I don’t recall his administration, but I used the thoughts I heard from my parents as well as those from the TV to write what I said. That’s all…
I think it’s time I write the eugoogly of former president Millard Fillmore.
Born in the Finger Lakes of New York in 1800, Millard Fillmore rose from log cabin poverty to a status of wealth, and in 1850, Fillmore became the 13th President of the United States, succeeding Zachary Taylor, when Taylor either died, or was extremely sleepy.
Yeah, that’s enough.
Now listen to us say the word "eulogy" and you’d know that, contrary to what you’ve commented twice now, you wrote "a eulogy" not "an eulogy."
You must think it’s pronounced oolijee.
I knew we should have bought a new Buick instead of paying for that damn journalism school.
You know, the White Sox have two former players in their TV booth. How about I move over and do the play-by-play for the games on WGN TV and Comcast?
Andy Mazur has got to have the flatest, dullest voice that I have ever heard on radio. I know that reading the out-of-town scores is not the most important job on radio, but for all the attention that he commands he could be reading the pork belly futures. I hope that if he gets the job that his voice doesn’t match his personality.
…could actually be the name of Mazur’s cousin.
I met him once, and he felt the need to tell me that he’s Andy Mazur’s cousin.
I was more interested in knowing this guy’s weight than his heritage. He had to go at least four bills.
Hey, we’ll take Chip Caray! Anything to end our long statewide nightmare of Mark Grace’s so-called "announcing". And you can have him. Hmm, Gracie played for the CUBS his whole career (or useful career, anyway), shouldn’t he be torturing CUBS fans in the broadcast booth? Granted, I know that to hear his Phoenix media buddies you’d think Grace was here in Arizona from the very beginning, but still. I know I’ve written this before, but any problems you have with Chip will be quickly forgiven once you have to hear endless babbling about shillelaghs, proclamations that any player is a "gorgeous man" or that "anybody who’s booing is a yard-ape", spectacularly unfunny takeoffs on "Saturday Night Live" as a whole game’s theme, or his latest gem, from Sunday’s game against the Blue Jays: "I’m not your average dummy. I’m an above-average dummy." And I know that, since you good people of Chicago ate up Harry Caray drooling in the booth and mispronouncing everybody’s names, you’d all eat Gracie up too. Plus, I don’t know, there still might be a few "slumpbusters" in the Chicago area he didn’t sleep with when he played for the Cubs. Who, of course, will be especially useful once Gracie’s current wife leaves him for a B-list Hollywood actor, just like the first one did..
Sorry poster #52, I didn’t even realize I was making that error. It’s not like I have all day, or am getting paid, to check everything I write for small gramatical errors.
I do apologize for the mistakes however.
B.C.
You suck!
Sincerely,
Chuck
(It’s not just #52 that hates you!)
That would be "grammatical" errors. But that’s nitpicking.
What’s not nitpicking is, if you don’t know a thing about Reagan, then maybe you should write about something else that you do know about.
It was curiously redundant that you included a heading called MY THOUGHTS ON REAGAN. It was your column, who else’s thoughts would they be?
But as it turns out, even the heading was a lie. They were your parents’ thoughts and the TV’s thoughts that you tried to pass off as your own.
My apologies. I didn’t realize you needed to be paid to display even a shred of credibility or integrity.
They were my thoughts, which were supplemented as I described earlier. It wasn’t one big lie as you seem to think #59.
Keep trying to make a big deal out of nothing and I’ll have Andy ban your IP. Simple?
Have a good day.
Let’s start by saying that it was a great night for Chicago baseball, as the Cubs smacked Dotel around while the Sox did something the Cubs couldn’t last October: come back against the Marlins and make them feel the pain. But I like the Cubs’ chances better this year as long as Benitez is "closing" out games.
BC, Desipio is all about making a big deal out of nothing — how else to explain a site so dedicated to the Cubs?
Threatening IP bans isn’t just weak, it’s superweak. Like, almost as superduperweak as your "thoughts" on Reagan. Read a book or something.
Hey, whatever happened to the extensive TV recaps Dolan used to produce? Those things saved me a lot of time that I now waste at TWOP….
Steve, at least you had the ability to not question my "integrity" or "credibility" in your criticism. That was the only part of #59’s post that got to me.
If they want to nitpick, fine. If they want to criticize, fine. But if they want to criticize and then name-call without any reason to, then that is not fine.
If everyone thinks my thoughts on Reagan or anything else I wrote about on Friday was, as you put it, "superduperweak", then that’s fine. But I will not tolerate being called names for no real reason. Maybe Andy and the rest of the writers can accept or at least tolerate it. But I choose not to. I think discussion and debate should be over the fourth-grade tactics like the ones displayed by #59.
If anything, #59 has made sure I will proof-read my columns and comments more. God forbid I have to spend an extra two minutes on a site where I don’t get paid just to defend my integrity. Yikes…
steve, dont @#$! with me
One more point: People who make statements like Poster #59 are the kind of people I wondered aloud about in "Nasty America" in Friday’s column. I think I’ve got some people’s way of doing things pinned down. That is all.
Making a big deal out of nothing gets you banned?
To clarify for everyone’s favorite fan on the South Side Mr. Bartman:
I put the big deal statement in that post to refer to the name-calling that was going on. I was NOT referring to those that choose to be irrelevant on this site. People like #59 do what they do because they haven’t done enough today to feel morally superior to anybody yet. That’s why people like that talk down to others, are generally disrespectful to everyone and everything, and don’t respect debates enough to participate in them in a civil manner.
I have had enough of defending myself from these kinds of people. I don’t want to know these kinds of people. I just don’t want to see more and more people in America become this way.
Again, have a good day.
"My names Brian, but everybody calls me B.C. Anyone calls me Brian…and I’ll kill ya."
"Lighten up, Brian."
I’m the word BC wanted in post #66 — though a lot of comments here do tend to be irrelevant.
Every time BC types, the value of your Big 10 education drops.
#68, irrelevant WAS the word I was wanting to use there. I feel the mode of criticism used by earlier posters is irreverent, if we are wanting to use that word today…
However, what I said that you are referring to was this:
"I was NOT referring to those that choose to be irrelevant on this site."
What I was trying to say, in response to the post #65, was that if people want to be irrelevant, and do so without resorting to the mode of criticism I have referred to, then that’s fine.
However, I feel the criticism used by people like #59, is irrelevant because all they are doing is knocking others down to make themselves feel better about themselves. What relevancy does that criticism have in respect to what I wrote? I don’t think that criticism has any relevance at all.
In the end, maybe I should follow the advice of #67 and lighten up and not let the criticism stick to me. Because then maybe I can show the types of people like #59 that they can’t win by constantly knocking others down.
If you have a problem with what I have said on here or in Friday’s article, please e-mail your concern to me. Otherwise, I’m DONE addressing it on here. I honestly think it’s just a game that those other people can’t win unless they play it on their field with their rules. I give up trying to play on their field, because it useless to do so. Victory is impossible when people will do ANYTHING, no matter what the cost (moral or immoral) to defeat you.
Just a note: In the next to last sentence, the words before "useless" should be "it is" instead of just "it". I apologize for the error, I did not catch it before posting my comment.
That is all…
The only thing B.C.’s last post needed was a, "Hallelujah, holy shit, where’s the Tylenol?" at the end and it would rival mine in Christmas Vacation.
Or maybe a solid, "Praise Marty Moose!" from the original.
What kinda weirdo re-reads his posts after posting?
I think these comments need to get back to the heart of the original post: Nobody likes Chip and everyone wishes he was the afternoon drive time host on The Eagle 99.5 in Altoona, PA.
We don’t want him, either.
Chip is already pretty damn close to being a bad afternnon drive ‘jay.
All he needs is some music under him, so he can hit the post when he gives his idiotic time checks.
Can we request weather on the five’s during tonite’s telecast?
…I’m still an assclown…Brian, you do realize you brought this all upon yourself with post #30…so stop bitching!