Pitchers:
Cubs: Glendon Rusch, 3-1, 3.95 ERA
Astros: Roy “Little Possum” Oswalt, 4-5, 3.86 ERA
Lineups
Cubs: (Dusty pulled this one out of a hat)
Todd Walker, 2b
Rey F. Ordonez, ss (no kidding)
Corey Patterson, cf
Moises Alou, lf
Todd Hollandsworth, rf
Derrrek Lee, 1b
Michael Barrett, c
Ramon Martinez, 3b
Glendon Rusch, p
Astros
The Beege, cf
Rex Morgan Ensberg, MD, 3b
Fat Lance, lf
Jeff Pornstache, 2b
Jeff Bagwell, 1b
Jason Lane, rf
Raul Chavez, c
Eric Bruntlett?, ss (Mike Brumley?)
Little Possum, p
Rey Ordonez batting second?
Corey hitting third?
Hell, in this lineup, Rusch should be hitting fifth.
"The Astros defense looks a whole lot different without Everett at shortstop."
Well, a whole lot. At one position.
Does anybody know why Rey changed his number to 29? Is he paying tribute to former Cubs star Fred McGriff?
Ooh, but I bunt like a pro!
Chip just said to Steve, "Ever take a cortisone shot where Roy just took one?" Just take out the word "cortisone" and re-read it.
Eww.
Hey Corey, remember me?
I should’ve gone for one of my bunt hits, like Rey. Seriously.
Hey Alou! That hit you!
Hug me, Chip!
We say that bat died a hero.
Night game, travel to Chicago, day game. The A’s have the always-daunting trip from St. Louis.
As promised, I’m not wearing pants.
I imagine Mariotti is doing the same.
hello!
DP, I love you
These are writing themselves tonight.
"Steve, I know you’ve talked to Lance a lot about switch hitting."
Between inning idea: Instead of a Desipio day at Wrigley, let’s have a sleep-over at Andy’s!
i can’t even check my swing convincingly
Was I actually wanting them to say I didn’t swing on that? Because I very much did.
Did I say Alou had quick hands?
I meant SLICK hands.
I was once asked about switch hitting.
Lee loves me
Steve,
Uh…I’m a little troubled by a pantsless man inviting himself over.
I’m going to pass.
Those doubles will be turning into gopher balls soon.
How about if (when) the Cubs go to the Series? I’m so lonely. And I’ll wear pants.
Join the clique.
Wheee, I’ve been bored lately!
Go!!!!!!
oops.
This sucks. I’m like .200 against Oswalt.
I’m a douche.
"Perfect bunt by Rusch!"
As the catcher throws and gets the easy force at THIRD.
When did I shave my goatee?
shit
Hello! Glendon! I’m over here!
Hey, I shaved my goatee. Now I am Jon Lieber.
The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!
Why is Ordonez playing?
am I useful for anything?
Oh, god, I just realized I’m playing for E-Ramis.
Why is Bob Ryan umping home plate?
Our Menudo cover band is looking for a new lead singer. Interested?
I’m the grandpappy of modern umping–thanks largely to my umpire school–, Dolan the Moran.
Did Chip just say "that breaking ball is beaten into the air?"
Joe, you still look like Bob Ryan.
Has any player in history hit more balls with a check swing than Moises?
Good idea to use Rey in the 2 hole, since I’ve been so bad this series.
I lead the league in check-swing ground outs
wasn’t i available?
wasn’t i available?
See, Mo is my clutch man. Sammy’s my slugger. Aramis is my RBI man, and Ramon is my secret weapon down in the order.
Oh, and Rey is my human out machine.
Alou’s got that dippy way of checking his swing, making him more susceptible to the check-swing ground out. He drops the bat head, rather than just pulling it back like most other players.
should I start warming up now?
I guess I’m not as good as Kerry Wood, after all.
did chip seem overly excited about berkman flying out there?
not yet Jimmy
that makes me 3-13 this series
I was excited because I’m always convinced that balls hit into the outfield by the opponent’s players are going out of the yard.
I’m hanging it up. Jacks to Tike Redman and Jack Wilson in the same inning. At least that Mackowiak guy is a legit player.
What’s the over-under on Sosa strikeouts tomorrow?
Quick, somebody e-mail Chip so he says, David Berkowitz, son of Sam, from New York City wants to say Happy Father’s Day!
Who was POTUS for the 1908 Cubs Campionship?
Teddy Roosevelt
Reagan? He was great, I hear.
Who was POTUS for the Astros World Championship?
In 1980
In 2004
I typed "E-mail Chip Caray" in the good old Google-box and got a Dandy-Andy rant.
I just sidelined laughing boy Beckett
You don’t suppose the Astros watch Corey run down flyballs in that cavern out there and think, "Hey, maybe we should get a real centerfielder" do you?
Who needs a real center fielder when you have me
I called our trainer a jackass when I had to go on the DL with blisters.
Perhaps, I’m the jackass?
Why am I not playing?
I played baseball before the game with Juan Lopez’s and Jeff Kent’s kids.
Kent’s kids just stand there and bitch about every ball and strike call. Plus, the girl’s got her dad’s mustache.
Why am I in the Majors? I’m batting under .100!
Because we needed an automatic out named Rey in the lineup.
I’ll kick your ass Darren
E-ramis, Dusty gave you the night off. Being 6-29 against Roy probably helped make the decision.
Beege has no range, by the way.
Did Biggio’s Berm have any part in that last hit by Patterson?
Beegey, I could’ve caught that!
You can run on me Beege
smoke & mirrors
I’m only 0-2 (well, 0-4 now) against Roy!
Be sure to come early tommorrow as kids 14 and under get a set of Jeff Kent nesting dolls!
Practice your pitches in this fun game: http://www.candystand.com/games/gamepage.aspx?gameid=160
You’re a combination of the Farns with a 100 mph fastball; Zambrano with a nasty Sinker; and Tim Wakefield with a lofty knuckler.
Of course, this may have been posted in an Insider before I came around.
how to turn a ground out into a two bagger – hit it to cortisone buy
I love doubles
FU Jobu…I do it myself!
Ramon, you idiot, you should’ve leaned into that!
We’re spreading to three new theaters. Today Chicagoland … tomorrow the world!
I could use another pizza. Whenever you’re ready, Glendon.
I might be ready… there goes the no home run streak
I’ll go sit down now
I get so excited when the other team hits homers! That never gets old!
I’m playing for the A’s! Who knew I was even still alive?
Chip said, "You don’t want management to change their mind while you’re in mid push."
Tell me about it, Chippy.
Walker – who is .200 lifetime against Oswalt.
Rey – who is .000 lifetime against everybody except R Clettitte.
Why isn’t at least Ramon in the 2 hole? Dustbag, sometimes you confuse.
I have no clue
Rey, Dusty wants to see you in the office. Bring your playbook.
Dusty, if you have to play me, could you at least hide at the bottom of the order. At leastt, Rusch has a home run this year.
There are times when I really look like I know what I’m doing.
Check swing anyone?
You have to love that defensive Bermuda Triangle between Beege, Kent and Lane.
we have no speed
Mark it
still present
So that’s why that hit’s called a Texas Leaguer. I mean, uh, I don’t know why, still.
The Astros need me out there.
Wow, I could make my own Jim Edmonds joke right here.
Look at all these two out hits! I’m a genius!
Despite the fact that any hit theoretically has a 33 percent chance of being a two out hit.
You’re welcome!!
Look at all these two out hits! I’m a genius!
Despite the fact that any hit theoretically has a 33 percent chance of being a two out hit.
I cover more ground than Biggio.
Bitches, I was safe!
I was so totally safe, dude
Wendell was actually right there (or more likely Hollandsworth–the only Cubs baserunner with a clue went on his own). He looked safe anyway, and if that ball doesn’t bounce off the bricks right back to Chavez they wouldn’t have had a play at all.
The WGN graphics guy’s not sure what the score is.
It’s 4-2 Cubs. Should be five.
I need your address to send you a bil for my computer cleaning charges.
I’ll send Masur over to clean up after he’s done massaging my stumps (all three of them).
On the replay you can see that Wendell didn’t do anything on that play. He just stood there and watched Holly run right past him. Nice work if you can get it.
It would be appreciated
I just ate Raul!
Hey Kids! Show up early on Saturday and get your Biggio and Berkman Webbol-Wabbles!!
The hall of fame is calling my name
Are we coming in to the game?
This just in. I’m still dead.
Must be "Ugly Night" at the Juice Box. Yikes.
I’ll be ready to pitch just as soon as the Astros make a hat big enough for my enormous melon.
Isn’t life just grand lately? Now if the Reds and Cards would lose a game. Cards are losing 4-0.
Man, we’re fugs.
That one rhymes with E-6.
How’d you like my defensive substitution. Man, I am soooo fired.
That’s the two-out magic music!
What’s with my MC Hammer pants?
Chip just ran down the lefty batting options on the Cubs bench.
Jose Macias (switch hitter)
Tom Goodwin
Gabor Bako
Guh.
We’re not completely retarded. We know Rey Ordonez can’t do shit, Chippy magic or not.
Hey, it’s E-ramis Ramirez’s music!
Hey! It’s me!
Normally I use GlenDon to hit here, but he’s already in the lineup.
I may be a slight improvement over Ordonez (if I bat with my eyes closed)
Methinks Jimy is now re-thinking the intentional walk.
Here I come, bitches!!
I hit it to Beege. I no think he ever catch any.
It was a good idea, E-Ram. Who knew the old man would get to one?
Dusty doesn’t believe in me?
Chip just said that the Beege is "a very aggressive, swinging, leadoff man."
I’m pretty sure he wanted a comma between swinging and leadoff.
Could I have made that play? Corey, how do you do these crazy things in the outfield?
Rey, dude. I believe, man. I believe you should head back to Iowa, dude.
Why do I get the feeling I’ll be able to go to Florida and share a pudding with Jack McKeon by the time the weekend is out?
I like to say "sum total" a lot. Even though the sum is the total.
I’m very impressed with Rusch. Glad we got him.
Mark, Kerry, Gregg and Carlos, let me show you how its done
When Wood gets back I better step it up or I might become a middle relief.
If Jimy brings out Dotel to pitch the ninth, he gets fired before the end of the inning. Octavio threw almost 75 pitches from Sunday to Tuesday and we watched his arm fall off Tuesday night.
Don’t do it Jimy! We need you in that dugout!
Unless the replacement is Gene Lamont and then…who gives a rat’s ass?
You might want to crack a window and get some fresh air. When Wood returns, GlenDon will go to the pen and give us a lefty who actually retires a lefty hitter.
I’m pitching the ninth!
Grab some bench, ‘Stros!
Is it getting hot or is that just me?
Yes, I said, "Patterson’s got AT LEAST three." I’m a tad bit optimistic.
I play like a geriatric!
This is what Lee and Patterson are supposed to be doing. Makes a huge difference.
We’ll be getting going now. Thanks for having us
I’m starting to come around
I like the A-looooooooooooo in Houston.
Oh, wait, that was just a regular, old, boo.
It’s you, Corey!
Did anyone catch Mac, Jurko, and Harry talking about us today?
I think it’s time for Biggio to de-evolve back into a catcher. It’s the only position he’s got range for.
Holly grounded into that double play so Hawk can get his save.
All of you who thought I was going to happen, take a step forward…
Not so fast, anyone.
Hell, Greg. I better watch myself or I might end up as the closer!
What does a Cubs win have in common with liquid from a bong?
Isn’t so much better not having to pull your hair out at this moment knowing that Borowski is not coming in.
Knock, knock, knock
Who’s that right behind us?
It can’t be the Cubs, they just played seven games in Anaheim and Houston.
Oh, crap.
They’re still looking at my arm. They tell me that there is something wrong, but won’t tell me what it is. They did say that they would probably be able to give me some guidance in early November.
That’s pretty cool, I guess.
Who needs a postgame show?
Who ever thought the day would come when you didn’t want the Cubs to play on WGN?
…no, you take it.
I hate me.
I REALLY hate me.
I think I’ve got an inning in me. Put me in, coach.
BARRETT: Hey, throw a strike.
LATROY: "…"
That’s Jeff’s batting glove.
Coward.
Why does my swing look like I’m doing it encased in molasses?
Someone wanna grab the fork sticking out of my back?
I just go sit over there
Bagwell swung. And even if he didn’t, Brinkman already cost us a run tonight. We’re even.
"Splits the dish…"
The pitch was off the outside corner.
I call me ass the "dish."
It ain’t over ’til it’s over
Janie Lane with the HR…Where’s my cherry pie?
I kill myself.
that was the weakest home run swing i have ever seen
I should be active.
how huge am I
And you thought I was bad, just wait and see…
I’m behind 4-1, 8th inning. Man on 3rd, 1 out.
I touched that ball in the Green Mini Monster. Right over Alou, AGAIN!
Got an order from Chicago for The juice-drink box.
You know its funny, but I do not think I have been here before
You shouldn’t be able to throw your bat at the ball on an outside pitch and pull a homer.
Nice f***ing park.
Grounder to second. Cubs win.
Just thought I’d give them a little hope. And then snatch it away! Haha.
To: Oakland Athletics
cc: National League Central
From: Johnnie B. (Dusty) Baker, Jr.
Re: Rotation
Friday: Railsplitter
Saturday: Franchise
Sunday: Lawnmower
Oh, and Glendon Rusch — no, really — is 4-1 as a replacement for our fifth starter.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Dusty
last time Cubs swept in Houston
Last time Houston was swept — period.
Ive been traded to Miami (I am beginning to like the Cubs chances even more)
Anyone else here get the feeling the first 10 weeks of the season was the Cubs spotting the rest of the division a few games?
By the Break, for the first time this season, the Cubs will be constituted as they were intended to be at the start of Spring Training.
We will run away from the pack like Road Runner from Wile E. Coyote…
Are the Flubs EVER going to catch us?