There’s no way this three-game set in St. Louis will top the epic five games-in-five days series last September, but there’s something intriguing about the Cubs and Cardinals clashing when only two games separate the two best teams in the NL Central.
It’s the kind of thing that inspires newspapers to run those lame position-by-position comparisons of the teams. Those are pointless, and stupid and yes, insipid.
So let’s do it!
Catcher
Cubs: Michael Barrett (.305 ave., 8 HR, 36 RBI)
Cardinals: Mike Matheny (.261, 2, 17)
Matheny stinks. (How’s this for objective?) He’s a Brewers reject who lucked out and found a team with a propaganda machine good enough to get him a gold glove. Blecch. He’s just off the DL, so maybe he’ll open tonight’s game by falling down and spiking himself.
Barrett is having a fine season for the Cubs, just like we all knew he would (shakes head in disbelief). He’s much better than advertised behind the plate, and one of the best hitting catchers in the game. He won the first game in the series in May when the Cubs were in St. Louis with a homer, but the evil umpires took it back. Meanies.
Advantage- Cubs — Cubs 1, Cardinals 0
First Base
Cubs: Derrek Lee (.310, 9, 44)
Cardinals: Albie Pujols, Sr. (.306, 19, 48)
Pujols has been battling a tender hamstring, and at his age, things just start falling off, so it’s a concern. He has not had a Pujolsian-start to the season, though his numbers are good. While Chip Caray will go nutty about Pujols’ defense at first, it’s average at best.
Lee is the hottest hitter in baseball right now and the best defensive first baseman in the game. See how quickly we warmed up to him when he started hitting? He’s done well against St. Louis this year and there’s no reason to think that will stop. So it’s obvious. He’s better than Pujols. Right?
Damnit.
Advantage- Cardinals — Cubs 1, Cardinals 1
Second Base
Cubs: Todd Walker (.284, 10, 26) or Mark Grudzielanek (.421, 0, 0)
Cardinals: Tony Womack (.300, 3, 17)
The last time the Cubs faced the Cardinals, Walker was struggling to get hit number 1,000 and Cubs fans were getting nervous. The fact is this. Walker’s a better player than Tony Womack in every single category except stolen bases. Since we all know what an overrated farce the stolen base is, this one’s not even close. Especially now that Mark Grudzielanek is back in the mix for the Cubs. Hey, the Cubs have two second basemen better than the Cardinals!
Chip and Steve will panic about keeping Womack off the bases, but Tony’s got a career .316 on base average. Let’s not get too spooked. Add in the fact that Wendell Kim is reponsible for Womack’s bad elbow (see Cubs at Diamondbacks last August 24–Wendell sent Womack to his doom at home plate and Womack hurt his elbow on the play. He eventually needed Tommy John surgery.) and this one’s not even close.
Advantage- Cubs — Cubs 2, Cardinals 1
Shortstop
Cubs: Ramon Martinez (.265, 1, 19)
Cardinals: Edgar Renteria (.275, 4, 30)
Ramon’s done well of late, but even with Edgar having a lousy season (for him) this is as lopsided as second base.
The Cardinals want to re-sign Edgar, but he might just be playing for the Cubs next year. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Advantage- Cardinals — Cubs 2, Cardinals 2
Third base
Cubs: E-ramis Ramirez (.317, 14, 50)
Cardinals: Scott Rolen (.344, 17, 70)
E-ramis is the second best third baseman in the National League right now and probably in baseball.
Rolen’s the best. Oh, how this pains me.
Advantage- Cardinals — Cardinals 3, Cubs 2
Left Field
Cubs: Moises Alou (.294, 17, 45)
Cardinals: Ray Lankford (.263, 5, 13)
Moises sacked it up, big time, during Sammy Sosa’s absence and is having his best season as a Cub. If he keeps it up, I’m going to start peeing on my hands before I write these columns. Yeah, I know, the results probably wouldn’t be any less horse scat than they already are, though.
Ray Lankford has 13 RBI this year? Hey, don’t hurt yourself Ray. Did you know he’s the all-time Busch Stadium home run leader with 122? That’s pathetic.
Advantage- Cubs — Cubs 3, Cardinals 3
Center Field
Cubs: Corey Patterson (.267, 8, 27)
Cardinals: Lassie (.278, 15, 47)
Corey’s playing much better now than he was earlier in the year and the results are starting to show. Some Cubs fans will blame everything on him, and that’s OK. It’s wrong, but it’s OK.
However, as much as we hate Lassie (and oh, do we hate him) he wins this pretty easily. However, because he plays an absurdly shallow center field, it never gets old watching him chase balls hit over his head. I have a hunch, he’ll be doing a lot of that the next three nights.
Advantage- Cardinals — Cardinals 4, Cubs 3
Right Field
Cubs: Sammy! (.287, 10, 24)
Cardinals: Reggie Sanders (.254, 12, 34)
Wait, did Sammy miss a month of the season? Are his numbers pretty much the same as Reggie Sanders’? Won’t Chip go on about what a great pick up Reggie was?
Screw that.
Advantage- Cubs — Cubs 4, Cardinals 4
Bench
Cubs: Walker/Gruddy, Todd Hollandsworth, Tom Goodwin, Gabor Bako, Jose Macias, Rey Ordonez
Cardinals: Colin Porter, So Taguchi, Marlon Anderson, Yadier Molina, Cody McKay (why?), Roger Cedeno
The Cubs have one of baseball’s best benches. The Lemons have gotten too much regular playing time for our liking, but they’ve done a good job. When Alex Gonzalez returns in July the bench gets even better as Rey Ordonez will be launched into space.
The Cardinals bench is bad. Hee hee. Just look at that steaming pile.
Advantage- Cubs — Cubs 5, Cardinals 4
Starting Pitchers
Cubs: Tuesday-Greg Maddux (6-5, 3.91 ERA), Wednesday-Glendon Rusch (4-1, 3.68), Thursday-Matt Clement (7-5, 3.07)
Cardinals: Tuesday-Jason Marquis (6-4, 4.26), Wednesday-Jeff Suppan (6-5, 3.65), Thursday-Karen Carpenter (7-2, 3.95)
Neither team will use its best two starters in this series. That’s an advantage for the Cubs because even though the wheels are falling off Matt Morris, he still finds ways to beat them. It’s an advantage for the Cardinals in that Woody Williams right arm has fallen off.
The Cardinals and their fans think they’ve found something in Jason Marquis, Jeff Suppan and Karen Carpenter. What they’ve got is a mediocre Braves cast off, a less than mediocre two-time BoSox loser and an anorexic lounge singer.
Oh, it’s Chris Carpenter? Oh, he’s pretty good. Not as good as Clement though. The matchups all look good for the Cubs.
Advantage- Cubs — Cubs 6, Cardinals 4
Bullpen
Cubs: LaTroy Hawkins, The Farns, Frank Beltran, Ice Man Jon LeICEster, Kent Mercker, Mike Remlinger
Cardinals: Jason Isringhausen, Burger King, Steve Kline, Crazy Julian, Kiko Calero, Cal Eldred
The Cubs bullpen has been solid since Regular Joe was sent to the DL. LaTroy is learning how to make things interesting in the ninth, but he’s got the makings, and the control to be a great closer. The Farns is perfecting the “leadoff triple who doesn’t score” inning. He can cut that out any time. The only weakness in the Cubs pen right now is that neither lefty can get a lefty out. One of these days, switch hitters around the league will figure that out and bat lefty against Mercker and Remlinger. But baseball players are dumb. They might never figure that out.
The Cardinals bullpen is used a lot, because The Genius just can’t help himself. Sammy will be happy to see Cal Eldred because Sammy has faced Eldred 45 times in his career and has 44 homers and a double.
OK, I might be exaggerating.
Advantage-Cubs — Cubs 7, Cardinals 4
Manager
Cubs: Dusty Baker
Cardinals: The Genius
My man love for Dusty knows no bounds, but you already knew that. I just can’t say enough about the job he’s done with this team in the year and a half he’s been in the dugout. Sure he does some odd in-game stuff, but not anymore than the mulleted dog and cat spayer in the other dugout.
The Genius’ biggest failing will always be that he can never make the simple, obvious move. He doesn’t like to do that because that’s not “genius” enough. All I know is that in the last two ultra-important series (the 2002 NLCS and last September in Wrigley), Dusty’s 8-3 against his Geniusness.
I’m just saying.
Advantage- Cubs — Cubs 8, Cardinals 4
Strange things can happen in the Big Urinal Cake that the Cardinals play in, and they usually do. But the simple truth is that the Cubs have the better team. It hasn’t been that way very often in recent history, but it’s true now.
Enjoy your time in first place, St. Louis. Because it’s going to be short lived. And you might just be facing a decade of this.
Take it from us. That’s going to suck.
—
Tracy McGrady is going become a Rocket and Steve Francis is headed to Orlando. Steve, of course, is not happy. He wants the Magic to trade him someplace else. Like where? Vancouver doesn’t have a team anymore, Stevie. Oh, wait, I almost forgot that Francis cried on TNT the night the Grizzlies drafted him.
Jeff Van Gundy has to be excited to have McGrady on his team and be able to pair him with Yao Ming. You can practically see the gears turning under Jeff’s bald pate and he tries to devise a way to work McGrady into an offense that when running optimally can get 65 or 70 points a night! Whoo hoo!
According to the trade checker at realgm.com the Bulls could trade Eddy Curry, Tyson Chandler and Antonio Davis to the Lakers for Shaq. The money works. That would give the Bulls a lineup of Shaq, Junkyard Dog, Luol Deng (assuming they draft him at three), Kirk Hinrich and Jamal Crawford. Man, can you imagine how excited Shaq would be to play in that lineup?
Why do I envision Shaq retiring at the “welcome to Chicago” news conference?
Another trade that works is Shaq to the Mavericks for Michael Finley and either Antoine Walker or Antawn Jamison. That’d give the Mavs a Steve Nash, Josh Howard, ‘Toine or ‘Twan, Dirk, Shaq lineup. David Stern has to make this happen.
Ric Bucher and David Aldrige have both talked about the possibility that Jerry West could convince his old pal Mitch Kupchak to trade Shaq to Memphis. But for what? It’s not that Memphis doesn’t have talent, it’s that they don’t have expensive talent, or at least the one overpaid guy to throw into a trade to help even it up. See, this trade works.
But can Memphis trade Bonzi Wells, Pau Gasol, Stromile Swift, Jason Williams AND Lorenzen Wright and have a team left for Shaq to play with?
This is where John Paxson should get involved and try and use his two really bad contracts (Antonio Davis and Eddie Robinson) to help Memphis and the Lakers do the trade.
The Bulls end up with Bo Outlaw, Lorenzen Wright and Bonzi Wells, and dump Davis and Robinson and Scottie Pippen’s contract on the Lakers. The Grizzlies get Shaq, and the Lakers get Pau Gasol from the Grizzlies.
Yeah, it’s not that great a trade, but the realgm.com trade calculator is addictive!
I just traded BC and whatever happened to Jake to the Daily Herald for Alex Kaseberg and Bruce Miles!
—
Tonight at 6 p.m., Kelly Dwyer and I will have coverage of the Charlotte Bobcats Expansion Draft and at 7 p.m. the Cubs and Cardinals start the big series. So really, there’s no need to visit any other Web site. Especially since we’ll have the Cards and Cubs on Wednesday and both the Cubs-Cards and NBA Draft on Thursday.
—
The Cubs are downplaying the big set with the Satanic Red Fowl, but we don’t have to pretend to put it in perspective. Go Cubs!
Ryan Dempster is a funny guy. Let’s hope the funny guy can get people out from the bullpen later on this summer.
Yes, it’s a bad idea to interview a manager during a game. And yes, it’s doubly bad to interview one who is unintelligible in English.
I didn’t want either Emeka Okafor or Dwight Howard, (never draft a guy named Dwight) so what’s the big deal?
KC and the Sunshine Band revisits great top three picks in Bulls’ draft history. Hey look! Scott May!
Dave van Dyck asks Cubs hurler Greg Maddux and former Cubs squatter Damian Miller to put the current staff into historical perspective. Maddux says the only five man squad better than this one was George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, John Hancock and Cesar Rodney. Or something like that.
Sammy Sosa, Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Bonds could give the NL a 1700 homer outfield. Is that a lot?
Groucho on the McGrady trade.
Mike Downey defends his old pal, Jerry Buss.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to take a swipe at Rockford and to say Dusty has things in perspective. Or something.
Chris DeLuca says Magglio is just limping out the string on his Sox career.
Marcus Fizer wants to be a Bobcat. That’s so sad.
The Wizard of Roz is counting pitches.
The Daily Herald thinks they have the Bulls’ unprotected list for tonight’s expansion draft.
Peter Gammons is just making stuff up.
Marty Burns says the Bobcats don’t want any big contracts. But they want Jahidi White? Huh? What, are they concerned about their depth at fat guy who travels a lot?
Stewey’s already fired up about Labor Day night’s FSU-Miami football clash.
Moron Bubba getting mad at the BBC interviewer.
Britney sure knows how to dog shop.
Same story, with more pictures.
Now we know why Blair Hull wanted the Ryans’ divorce papers public.
Could Eric Zorn’s head be any rounder? Is that possible?
If Jeri needs any comforting, I’d be happy to help.
America’s finest news source on what we’d do if we could do what we wanted to do:
When did I become an overrated farce? It had to have been sometime since October.
Number 1, you need me to make you something less than an overrated farce.
Lucky for the Cubs, then.
Cubs: 21 Farces vs. 14 Caught Stealing. 60%
Cards: 50 Farces vs. 17 Caught Stealing. 74.6%
Oooh, bad trade. Poor Daily Herald. They’ll never get out of the bush leagues with B.C. on their staff, and you have to wonder if Jake’s widow ever got the canned ham management sent out after his disappearance…
Some more questions that an ‘Ask Andy’ column could answer: What the HELL does ‘desipio’ mean? And how is it pronounced? What did Andy ‘Dil’ Dolan mean? What was the Arby’s joke that Chip Caray told?
‘Dil’ Dolan (Get it? Dildo hahahahahahah) was my comedic creation.
I’m getting more time in the lineup than Ray Ray Lankford these days.
.324, 3, 15
Sorry for the long site address, but you gotta read the DK anniversary article:
http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/sports/stories.nsf/Sports/Cardinals/D6AFD2B4E213421886256EBB000C9066?OpenDocument&Headline=Memories+of+Darryl+Kile
I seldom agree with Bernstein on The Score, but he was ripping on the Cardinals and their "creepy fans" about this story. Steve Kline says the first thing you see when you get to Chicago is the (Westin) hotel. Bernstein asked if their plane lands on Michigan Avenue.
If traded to Chicago, ala Andy Dolan’s mad theories, I will literally burn the city down.
Seriously, Andy, if the Bulls are going to get involved in a deal like that, don’t you think they’d be looking for some coachable talent? I am not coachable.
Unless your plan involves trading all of us players you mentioned, I’d just as soon you pass on this one.
I’m a dumbasss, don’t mind my comments. I mean look at me. I put friggin pine tar on my hat just to look like Crazy Julian.
Uh, Steve, there’s a good chance that you’ve got me confused with the Westin Hotel.
I know I’ve been traded to the Daily Herald, which I’m guessing from the way some of you are talking is not a good thing.
I find myself in agreement with most of Andy’s position by position analysis, but I think the bullpen is going to be our trouble spot again this series. The Cardinals like to come from behind (snicker) late in games, and with our bullpen being what is (An inconsistent and hating the media farce of a bullpen), we’re in trouble.
I think tonight’s game is going to be a win. Maddux has been strong lately, and Marquis is due for an explosion of epic proportions. But, the next two matchups are either against us or equal in my opinion, and I think the Cardinals should (unfortunately) be favored to win games two and three in this series.
If the Cubs can prove me wrong and win two, I will happily eat crow.
I presumed the Advantage: Cubs Bullpen was a joke of some sort.
Cards pen has an ERA about a run lower, 3.39 to 4.36. And has pitched fewer innings, contrary again to the joke.
Is your ERA total for the Cubs including Pratt, Wuertz and Borowski? If so, what use is it?
Heard Murph and Fred talking to some dope from Fox Sports St. Louis this morning about the Cardinals. Evidentally, he feels that Glendon Rusch is due to come back to reality, but that Tony Womack, Jeff Suppan and the rest are sure to keep up their stellar play for the rest of the year. Didn’t these people in St. Louis learn from Bo Hart?
I’ve only had four guys pitch in 30 or more games. The Cubs have had two! See, they’re overworking their pen, not me!
Wait…
…never mind.
yeah, the mother of my children left me, too, for taking her to sex clubs in Ottawa, Peoria, Romeoville and East St. Louis.
She left me because she wanted to go to the really nice ones in the big cities. I told her that it doesn’t matter WHERE they’re at, once it got dark.
Calculated for only pen guys on the current roster…. both Cubs and Cardinals pens are about even right around 3.25
But, #18, we do have Farnsworth!!!
Oh, wait, that’s not a good thing…
Hey, Sloth. Did the wife please to the court that she didn’t want anyone to know about it to protect your kids?
Are there any GOPs left in Illinois with any semblence of intelligence whatsover? I mean, Reagan was from here and his brain melted away. Maybe the rest of the IL-GOP’s brains melted with his.
My only thought is that he wanted to schtup Jeri in public (Boston Public?) so he could make the world believe that he was really banging that fine piece of plastic surgerized tush.
Sex clubs in *East* St. Louis? I heard there was a nice one in a locker room right next to the Bowling Hall of Fame in downtown, St. Louis, proper.
At least, that’s what Albie Poo Holes told me the last time I called him a Gold Glover.
Chuck, I think Mike Downey’s brain may have melted away as well. He seems to have forgotten that he is now writing for a Chicago paper, and that nobody here gives a damn about Jerry Buss and his weird hair.
Your minor league update.
CHC J.Dubois LF 4AB 2R 2H 2RBI .293 – 2 HR (14)
CHC D.Kelton RF 4AB 1R 3H 1RBI .282 – 2 2B, HR (9)
CHC R.Dempster 4.1IP 5H 3R 3ER 3BB 4K 1HR 6.23 – more rehab
Who the phuck is Mike Downey?
Mike Downey – ace reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. In this case, he’s the latest hack to take over the "In the Wake of the News" column in the Chicago Tribune. Today any Chicagoan who plunked down 50 cents or looked at his column online was treated to a story about Jerry Buss and the parallels between himself and Reinsdorf and their incredible collapsing basketball dynasties.
I just want to say that the food at the Score golf outing was great!
Uh, Fred. I’m going out to the car to get my investigation kit. We’re going to try and figure out which crevice that odor is coming from.
Run!
If the Cubs can prove me wrong and win two, I will happily eat crow.
Crow will be an improvement over all the shite B.C. has been eating here lately….
Hey, Connecticut.
I was funnin’ ya. I knew who he was / is. I get the Trib every day. I treat Downey like I treat the NBA.
As in, "Who the Phuck Cares"?
Fred Huebner–what a fat slob.
Wasn’t he endorsing some fat-burning supplement a year or so ago? If I’m that company, I’m demanding he refund the money we paid him to endorse our product.
But the fat-burning stuff worked.
I feel great about myself now that I have some separation between chin #2 and that freaky fat flap that has swallowed up my gold chain and is headed toward my manboobs.
That’s not a gold chain.
Ewwwwwwwwwww.
Hey, you work from 5:30 until ten or whatever the hell I time I work to, and then see if you have time to work out! Hah!
Oh, actually, now that I think about it, there’s ample time to work out.
I know what I’m going to do! I’m going to head on over to Superdog and plan my new workout regime!
Good old Superdawg, out on Milwaukee Avenue, near Nagle. Or is it Devon?
Isn’t this great radio when I spend 5 minutes naming streets that are near a hot dog stand I’ve been to, Fred? Swallow that aggression and give me a "Heh Heh, that’s right, Murph."
Now I look like amy other Sux fan.
That’s right Murph! And at least I’ll lose some weight during lent when I go to Bona Beef on Fridays for their egg sandwiches!!
Why don’t you ever give me props, Murph?
Because I’m a giant douchebag. Duh.
At least I’m the picture of perfect health.
No, Murph. People from Missouri are douchebags.
Oh, wait…
What’s a douchebag?
For you, Reno, it’s a 2400 psi gas-powered 3.5HP pressure washer with adjustable nozzle and ample 1.5 gallon resivoir filled with vinegar.
For us, it’s a 6 foot 6 dork with an Adam’s apple the size of a softball, who wears red golf shirts every time he travels south of I-70.
The series against the Satanic Red Fowl opens up tonight.
Remember, we suck coming back from an off day. I think tonight, we will not hit the ball and Maddux will give up a couple homers. Finally our bullpen will finish it off with once again a Farnsworthless performance.
But don’t fear, we will come back and win the next two. Rusch and Clement just need to go about 8 innings a piece so that bullpen remains seated.
Think again, fucker.