Hello again, everybody, your old friend Karry Ling here deep in the heart of Dixie…or close enough…with Cubs catcher Gabor Bako.

Wait, they ran your picture and not mine yet. It says here in my contract that my picture has to run with my columns. Bare with me a second, Paul.


OK, that’s better.

Gabor, nice to see you.

Gabor Bako: Why are you calling me Gabor?

Karry Ling: Because that’s your name. It says so right here. Your name is Gabor Paul Bako the second. Didn’t you know that?

GPBII: Yeah, I knew that. But nobody calls me that. That seems a little rude.

KL: You think that’s rude? Oh, we’re just getting started here, bucko. First of all, nice catch last night. I mean I know it’s hard to catch a 100 MPH fastball, but it’s kind of your job, right? Or maybe you have a bum left shoulder nobody knows about and that’s all the higher you can reach?

GPBII: It was a wild pitch. Mike Murphy even said so.

KL: Yeah, well the official scorer saw it a different way. As for Murphy, he hates Kyle Farnsworth. So it’s not real objective.

GPBII: Objective? You work for a Web site that has a Bak-o-meter on it that only goes from Sucks to God-awful. What’s objective about that?

KL: That’s not true. We’ve added new levels to it thanks to your recent play. On Tuesday it was set on “Completely Freakin’ Useless” and right now it’s on “So Bad It’s Not Even Funny.”

GPBII: That’s so much better.

KL: Actually, Gabor. We’ve got two new photos for you.

Here’s one of you failing to tag out Todd Hollandsworth during the seventh game of the NLCS.

That’s a nice one. You’re pretty good at setting up in front of home plate so the runner has plenty of room to slide. How very courteous of you.

Here’s my favorite. This is you packing your stuff up after the Cubs release you during a game.

GPBII: The Cubs haven’t released me.

KL: Sure. Not yet anyway. I’ve got a list of catchers they’re trying to get to replace you with.

Some of these guys are unavailable. For instance:

Bo Diaz — Killed by a satellite dish.
Engleberg (Bears) — Fictional and fat.
The fat kid from the Sandlot. — See Engleberg.
This stuffed bear

The Cubs are still negotiating with his stuffed agent.

I could go on, Gabor, but it’s already pointless. Do you think you are currently talented enough to hold a job on a Major League Baseball team.

GPBII: It’s not easy playing Major League Baseball. If it was easy, anybody could do it.

KL: You know, when we watch you play, we feel like anybody is doing it. Walk us through the big plays you were involved with the last couple of days. Let’s start with Patterson’s throw home and your attempt to tag out Hector Luna at home plate. By the way, if Hector ever gets traded to the Cubs I’ve already copyrighted the “Luna-tics” t-shirt idea.

GPBII: The throw took a funny bounce and was to the first base side of the bag. I was going to have to lunge to my right and then back to my left to tag him and I couldn’t do that and catch the ball.

KL: That’s funny, because on the replay it showed that the ball took a nice hop right towards your glove, and because you were too much of a Sally to block the plate you had to swipe the tag and you missed it.

What about the passed ball last night.

GPBII: I called for a low fastball and he threw one up and in and I didn’t have time to get my glove up. It happens.

KL: That’s true. It does happen. To you. All the time. I guess if you can’t move your bat quick enough to hit a ball, it’s hard to move your glove enough to catch one. Here’s the thing you messed up on, Gabor. You’re the king of the dropped third strike. You should have waited until Renteria had two strikes on him and then let the ball go, so that not only would you have let in the go ahead run, but you could have also let Edgar get on first.

GPBII: I’ll try harder next time.

KL: If only there were never a next time.