Every week MLB.com and ESPN.com and other .com’s push out their big league POWER RANKINGS!  WHO HAS THE POWER? WHO HAS MORE OR LESS POWER THAN THEY DID THE LAST TIME WE ARBITRARILY AWARDED THE POWER?  It’s pointless.  It’s dumb.  The only power rankings that matter are the standings.  Why do these sites even do them?  Can you imagine anything of less value?

I can’t either.

So here are the Cubs player power rankings! 

This whole pointless exercise was dreamt up by me because I was wondering last week where Addison Russell would land if you ranked every Cubs player, and just how much lower it would be on the Cubs than on just about any other team.

So how do we go about this?  What are the criteria?  I could just look up the WAR for all of the guys and list them that way, but that doesn’t seem like much fun.

How much does age factor in?  Surely, Kris Bryant at 24 is “worth” more than Jon Lester at 30, but is he worth more than Jake Arrieta because he’ll be cheaper, longer and position players age more usefully than pitchers do?

What about slow starts or slumps?  Given his offensive production this year so far, Jason Hayward would rank pretty low.  But we know he’s good.  We’ve seen it.  And, even though he hasn’t been hitting for much average or any power he’s still getting on base, and he’s a great baserunner and he’s the best right fielder I’ve ever seen play for the Cubs. ¹

How do we weigh the value of pitchers over hitters?  What about good part time players compared to just average regulars?  Who’s actually worth more? 

Damn, this is starting to sound like work.  So let’s do what we always do. Let’s make this shit up as we go.

1. Jake Arrieta – In one of my award-winning Monday columns for The Athletic ², whilst looking ahead to the big week the Cubs had earlier this month with three in Pissburgh and four against the Nats, I called Bryce Harper “baseball’s best player.”  A few of you jumped on my shit pretty fast.  “What about Jake?”  See, there’s a problem.  I had a bias that I didn’t even consciously realize I did.  Arrieta’s the best pitcher in the world.  I didn’t even think of calling him baseball’s best player.  I still think Harper’s better because he can theoretically impact every game.  But you can argue that Arrieta is going to influence 27-40 at bats a week, while Harper’s probably only going to have 28-35 plate appearances.  And, if Dusty’s going to keep batting the rotting corpse of Ryan Zimmerman behind Harper, Bryce is going to have 28 plate appearances and nine at bats per week.  So I can see this both ways.  I think, on the Cubs, Arrieta’s the best pitcher and player.  And that’s despite the fact that as great he’s been (7-0, 1.29 ERA in eight starts) that because his control’s been spotty, he hasn’t been as good as he was after the All-Star Break last year.  He’s still awesome.  And what if he cranks it up in the second half again this year and is even better than he was at that same time last year?  I’m going to need to change the front of my pants.

2. Anthony Rizzo – The Rizzo, Bryant thing is quickly turning into who’s your favorite Beatle, John or Paul?  They are both great, though they have different skill sets.  I give Rizzo a slight edge right now, but I don’t expect him to hold off Bryant for much longer.  Rizzo is not only a great power hitter and good all-around hitter, but he’s an excellent first baseman defensively.  He’s also the undisputed leader on the best team in baseball.  It’s not just that he’s willing to lead, he was born to do it.  We all remember back a couple of years ago when he challenged the entire Reds dugout to a fight.  That was awesome, and a true, “We’re done taking this shit,” moment for a franchise that had to have one.  But he was already the leader.  It was just never more obvious.  He hit the biggest homer of the Cubs postseason (just a few innings after Javy Baez had hit the biggest homer of the Cubs postseason) when he untied game four with his second 0-2 homer off of Kevin Siegrist in two days.  The Cubs are loaded with talent, and they need all of the young guys, but they really hit the mother lode with Anthony.  In addition to all of the important stuff he does on the field to win games, he does the other stuff, in the clubhouse and away from the ballpark that every great team needs somebody to do.

3. Kris Bryant – How many teams have a star player that the manager can just walk up to in the dugout before or during the game and say, “Hey, how about you play _____ this inning?” and just insert one of about four defensive positions, where the reaction of that player is to go find the proper glove and then go play it like he was born to do it?  When Kyle Schwarber blew out his knee in Arizona the web was full of ill-considered think pieces about how reckless it was to put a catcher in left field.  Guess who went out to play left when Kyle was carted off?  Kris Bryant!  The third baseman.  Unlike Kyle who plays left like a catcher, Bryant plays wherever he’s asked and looks like he’s done it forever.  Every day he takes grounders at third and then takes flyballs in the outfield just in case Joe needs him to move out there during the game.  He does all of this while destroying pitching on a regular basis.  We saw it firsthand last year, that as the weather improves so will his offense.  And he’s off to a pretty good start anyway.  Look out National League, he’s just getting started.

4. Jon Lester – I’m as guilty as anybody of obsessing over the things Jon Lester can’t do.  For whatever reason he can’t throw the ball to first base overhand.  He just can’t.  And when it first started to look like a real problem last April, Joe Maddon kept saying, “It’s not a big deal.”  We all figured that Joe was just trying to keep it positive for Jon.  Of course this was going to be a problem.  Well, it really hasn’t been a problem.  He’s this high, because in his second season, he’s more comfortable and he’s pitching like the ace we were all so excited to find out that the Cubs had signed in the early hours of December 9, 2014.  He’s 4-2 with a 1.88 ERA and he’s only allowed 39 hits in 52 innings. ³  If the Cubs are going to win it all this year they’re going to need dominant playoff pitching at least most of the time.  Arrieta and Lester is a pretty damned good start.

5. Ben Zobrist – I knew he was good.  I mean, you just had to watch him play a little in Tampa or Oakland or Kansas City to see it.  But when you see him play every damned day you can see just how good the guy really is.  He was most famous for the ability to play any position well, but on a team full of Swiss Army Knives he’s hardly had to play anyplace but second.  And that’s been just fine.  He’s very good there.  Offensively, he’s a revelation for a Cubs team that needed in the worst way to find a player who would walk more than he struck out.  He’s done that (28 to 16) and more.  After hitting third early in the season, he’s been tucked behind Rizzo most of the time and he’s come through with a 150 OPS and 28 RBI.  He’s also rubbing off on Rizzo who also has walked (26) more than he’s struck out (19).  All he did last postseason for KC was get on base 27 times in 16 games and score 15 runs.  So, when October rolls around he’ll be pretty useful.

6. Jason Heyward – At some point he’s going to hit, right?  I say that knowing that he’s hit .375 over his last ten games, which, I’m pretty sure is “hitting.”  The thing about Heyward is that even when was very noticeably not hitting he was still clearly playing very well.  Like in his return to St. Louis where the Cardinals fans booed his every plate appearance and he dominated the three game set from hundreds of feet away from home plate in right field.  You would think that his opposite field approach would lend itself to a fair number of left-center homers at Wrigley (you know, like we saw him do with then terrifying ease in the playoffs) once the temps stay up and the ivy turns green and then red.  You watch him play right and you can see that the Cubs original plan to play him in center between Schwarber and Jorge Soler would have worked fairly well.  He’d have been great in center, they’d have been…not great in the corners.  In a month when his offensive numbers have rounded into something more impressive we’ll all look back at his early offensive struggles and laugh, and laugh and laugh.  And the NL will look at the Cubs lineup and cry, and cry and cry.

7. Addison Russell – He was good last year, especially when you consider he was learning a new position then, in late July they told him to screw that and go play your old position because you’re a lot better there than the three-time All-Star who’s making a mess of it, and he batted ninth and he was 21 years old.  And now, at 22 he’s just a lot better at all of it.  He’s a Gold Glove caliber defender at short.  He’s on pace to drive in more than 100 runs.  He’s taking walks at an impressive clip.  He’s just so good.  Jim DeShaies put the over/under on Addison NL All-Star games played before he’s done at ten.  When I first heard it I thought it seemed a little overly enthusiastic.  Now, I think we should all start pounding the over.

8. Hector Rondon – What is a closer with nothing to close?  The Cubs early dominance has robbed Hector of many save chances.  But when he’s pitched with a chance to nail down games he’s been dominant.  His only struggles have come on Wrigley Sundays against the Barves and the Pirates.  One game he entered tied and lost it and the other he came in down 1-0 and left it 2-0 when the Cubs would rally for a run in the ninth and just fall short.  Other than that, he’s been tremendous.  And, when you trace his emergence from a Rule V guy who they stashed on the roster for half a season before they could really use him to a dependable reliever to a pretty good closer and now to THIS.  Well, he’s another good example of how the Cubs’ front office has found guys in all sorts of ways to build this team.

9. Kyle Schwarber – I know, this makes no sense.  He’s out for the season.  He shouldn’t even be on these rankings at all, let alone this high.  But I can’t leave him off.  I just can’t.  When you see how merciless this offense is right now and then think how much better it would be with him in it…  Well, you already know how I feel about this.  I know it’s crazy, I know it’s naive, and I know it probably won’t happen.  But I still think that sometime in August the Cubs are going to announce that Schwarber’s off to Des Moines to start a rehab assignment, and on September 1 he’s going to be starting in left field.  I know they fixed two ligaments in his knee.  I know the typical rehab time for that is at least 24 weeks ⁴ and that 24 weeks from the surgery is the Cubs World Series champs parade.  But I just have a hunch, that we aren’t going to go this entire season without a few Schwarbombs.

10. Dexter Fowler – He was gone.  Off to Baltimore.  The deal was done.  Good for Dexter.  The Orioles have a nice lineup and he’s getting paid to be in it.  Then he wasn’t.  In the ultimate testament to how the Cubs have inexplicably become the team to play for, Fowler tore up his Orioles offer and signed for much, much, much less to come back to the Cubs for one more chance at being a part of baseball immortality.  And the best part is that the Cubs got the second-half of 2015 Dexter.  He hit from day one.  With him in center, Heyward in right and no Kyle and not as much Jorge as planned in left, the outfield defense has been very good.  Early in the season Dexter was sporting a 1.100 OPS.  We knew that wouldn’t last.  It went waaaaay down.  All the way to .992.  Only the second highest among regulars on the team, and one of the highest in the NL. 

11. Javier Baez – Like Heyward, it’s tough to put your finger on exactly how valuable Javy is.  He’s clearly improved offensively.  He swings at more strikes and he makes more contact.  He’ll never command the zone like Ichiro, but even if he turns into a .260 hitter with power he’s very valuable because he’s a plus-plus defender at three infield positions.  On a team that plays good defense he’s the Cubs best defender at second, short and third.  And especially at short, that’s saying something, because Addison is really good there.  Javy was the final number one pick of the Jim Hendry regime, and he would not have been the pick if Theo and Jed and Jaron had been around for that draft.  It’s not that he’s not talented.  He’s super talented.  He’s all tools and no tool box.  But the advantage he had over the other toolsy guys Hendry picked, he came through a Cubs system that coaches the hell out of its players.  So he got better, faster and more thoroughly than he would have otherwise.  He’s a joy to watch, because he’s good, and he plays like it, and he’s on such a complete team that Joe can reign him in when he needs to and pick the best spots for him. 

12. Pedro Strop – We’re fans, so our job description does not require us to be rational.  And because of that, a few high profile blow ups ⁵ can skew our perception of how good a guy is.  Pedro is really good.  He’s one of the best set-up men in all of baseball.  He’s durable, he’s talented and he’s got big huevos on the mound.  What more do you need?

13. Jorge Soler – When it comes to most things, but especially baseball, Theo and Joe are a lot smarter than we are.  They insist that Jorge doesn’t need to go to Iowa to get more at bats.  They are sure that his bat will come around, and they see no reason to ship him out.  Joe put it bluntly, “He’s a Major League player.”  So we wait.  And we watch him lose at bats because better lineups have either Tommy LaStella or Javy at third and KB out in left.  But Joe is starting to get Jorge in the lineup more and more.  People point to his BABIP and say, “Look how unlucky he’s been.”  I wonder just how many of those balls he put in play made it out of the infield on the fly?  We’ve seen what Jorge can do when he’s locked in (he terrified the Cardinals in the playoffs) so we know that Joe and Theo are right.  And it’s mid-May.  There’s plenty of time to get him on track before the Cubs play games that really matter.  But these Cubs don’t require us to wait for much these days, so we’re unaccustomed.

14. John Lackey – As third starters go, the Cubs could do a lot worse.  He’s good, he’s durable and he thinks he’s an ace—in a good way.  But you also get a lot of unnecessary bullshit with him.  He melted down against the Padres in the doubleheader nightcap because some slappy hit a homer off of him to break a scoreless game and Lackey had to go all Crash Davis on him and scream, “Run, dummy!” at the guy.  He was throwing a no-hitter (that wasn’t going to happen anyway) and one of the Barves bunted on him to try to…you know…get on base, and Lackey lost his shit over that and started getting hit.  When he eliminates the unnecessary tough guy bullshit he’s a pretty good pitcher.  But he’s just such a dick.  I hope he gets hit by a bus.

15. Jason Hammel – Remember gang, that he pitched well in the first halves of 2014 and last year, too, so let’s not get too excited about his start to this season.  Though it’s been pretty good.  Maybe last year’s second half (and postseason) struggles were because he got hurt right before the break.  Maybe he should have gone on the DL, and gotten healthy.  Or maybe, he’s really just not that good, and the law of averages always catches up to him?

16. Miguel Montero – He’s a good defensive catcher.  He’s a frustrating watch at the plate.  Lots of big hacks for no reason.  His back flared up last year and it led to the appearance of Schwarber.  His back flared up again this year and it led to the appearance of…Tim Federowicz.  Well, you know lightning and all that about it not striking twice in the same place, or is it that it doesn’t strike Jeremi Gonzalez twice?

17. Adam Warren – He’s good, right?  Joe really trusts him, and the Cubs traded Starlin to get him so he must be good.  He gave up a back breaking grand slam against the Nats that cost the Cubs…no, that’s right they were beating the shit out of the Nats, it just made the game a little closer.  Plus, three of the runs were charged to Justin Grimm, so why not?

18. Justin Grimm – Ole Grimmer.  Most of the time he’s really good, but we’ve learned that there will stretches when he’s bad (like right now) and it’ll fuck up all of his stats.  Joe and Chris Bosio don’t care, they just keep throwing him out there.  He’ll figure it out.  Right?

19. Tommy LaStella – Here’s the whole part-time, full-time thing and this list.  I like little Tommy quite a bit.  But he’s a part-timer, and the guys ahead of him on this list either pitch or play more regularly.  But the little bastard can really rake.  The Barves had to get rid of him so they could open up second base for Kelly Johnson (he’s the one who tried to bunt on Lackey) or some such shit.  Who cares why they did it? It was dumb.  He’s a really nice bench piece.

20. Kyle Hendricks – As fifth starters go he’s a pretty good one.  He’s solid.  He doesn’t tax the bullpen.  He looks like the bat boy.  Last night he was stuck in an immortal duel with whatever the Hell a Chase Anderson is, and things were going great until Matthew Lucroy hit one about a mile and a half over the shitty chain restaurant in shitty Miller Park.  Things did not go better after that.  My guess is that when the Cubs make a trade to bring in a top notch starter to basically kick Lackey and Hammel down a notch in the playoff rotation that Kyle goes the other way in the trade.  Whatever team that is isn’t going to ask for Hammel.

20.5. Trevor Cahill – Originally, I forgot Big Trev.  How could that be?  This tubby bastard was nails for the Cubs down the stretch last year and he’s done a fine job this year.  Just not as good as he was last year.  He’s also a decent choice after Warren to go into the rotation if needed.  But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

21. Travis Wood – His stuff is shit this year.  I know he’s surviving with it, but what made him so tough when he went to the bullpen two years ago was that in short stints he could throw hard and that set everything up. But this year he’s been 88 pretty consistently with his “fastball.”  If that keeps up when the temperatures are warm at Wrigley, Travis is going to get crushed.

22. David Ross – Nobody knows what’s going on here.  He’s 39.  He’s retiring.  He looks like he’s in his 60s, and he’s playing better than he has since Dusty screwed him over in Cincinnati.  His workload has increased because he’s catching Lester all the time and Arrieta more than he did last year.  Those aren’t bad guys to catch.  He caught Jake’s no-hitter, and he homered in the damned thing ⁶, and he makes up for Lester’s inability to hold runners by doing it himself from behind the plate.  You know who would be a good scrub catcher for the Cubs to get to catch Lester when Ross is gone next year?  Yadier Molina.  The Cubs should do that.  I’m sure they can pry him off the scrap heap in March or April next season.

23. Matt Szczur – He pulled his hamstring on a play where he stole home, but didn’t get credit for stealing it because the Nats botched the play so badly the official scorer figured a little league team could have thrown Szczur out at home on it.  His DL stint meant we all go to re-live the glory days of 2014 and the Ryan Kalish experience.  That was…not great, Bob.

24. Neil Ramirez – You forget he’s even in the bullpen most of the time, don’t you?  Like Wood his velocity seems down, though his isn’t as pronounced.  But the Cubs don’t use him in high leverage spots, so they’re either trying to get him to build arm strength or they are just scared to use him.  Probably both.

25. Tim Federowicz – He’s not very good.  But he did fine filling in for Miggy.  Why he’s still on the roster is a mystery.  His one attempt to catch Jake was a disaster.  Jake’s control wasn’t great that day, but T-Fed (or whatever) couldn’t seem to stay in front of any of it.  Which, if you’re not sure, is bad.

26. Ryan Kalish – He was tearing up Iowa (I wish he was literally doing that) but everybody hits there.  It just felt like his whole stint on the roster was an elaborate Make-A-Wish.

27. Joe Nathan – Speaking of scrap heap (Yadi), the Cubs went dumpster diving and came up with a borderline Hall of Fame closer  One that’s on the wrong side of the 40 and with a cadaver ligament in his elbow.  He went straight on the Kerry Wood Tier of the MLB Disabled List (60 Days) and might be ready to pitch in the big leagues by July.  Yeah, let’s all hold our breath.

28. Clayton Richard – What the fuck, dude?  We know you aren’t really that good, but you were decent as an emergency starter last year and a pretty effective LOOGY late in the year and in the playoffs.  But you’ve been shitty this year.  Better knock that off fast or the Cubs will be out with a shovel trying to dig up Randy Choate or some shit.

29. Seventh inning stretch singers – Look, Cubs.  We don’t need this crap anymore.  You have a perfectly effective video of Harry cranking it out in his prime, and when you do that the whole stretch singer thing is pretty good.  You have an Ernie Banks one that’s not too bad either.  Put them on a 95% to 5% rotation and be done with it. 

30. ClarkScrew – Only the Cubs would take an innocent little kids fan club and make it seedy and disgusting and completely pornographic.  Somebody roust up old Tipper Gore or something.  I know his kid’s fan club thing is supposed to be Clark’s Crew, but you’re telling me that all those highly paid marketers on your payroll and nobody noticed it also spells Clark Screw?  It’s bad enough that Clark hugs kids when he’s not wearing pants, but with this you might as well put him in clown makeup and just go “full Gacy.”  You guys are the worst.

31. Ron Coomer Fifth Innings on WSCR – Why?  Why do you do this to us?  Coomer seems like a good dude, and he’s not a bad analyst.  But he’s an abomination as a play-by-play guy.  You have a Hall of Famer doing the other eight innings.  You have Mark Grote in the booth the entire game for no apparent reason.  You don’t need Coomer doing play-by-play for a full inning.  If Pat needs to go take a grump during the game that’s fine.  Everybody poops.  But why does Coomer fill in?  It makes no sense.  The only redeeming thing is that the Cubs have scored 216 runs already this season and they’ve scored 215 of them in the fifth inning.  Only we have no idea because we can’t tell what’s going on when Coomer’s announcing.

1. Granted, that while that would include Andre Dawson—it was post Olympic Stadium-tore-his-knees-to-shreds, Andre Dawson—and it would also include bad fielders like Keith Moreland and Jock Jones and indifferent fielders like Samuel Peralta Sosa, and crazy people like Milton Bradley, and guys way out of position like (Moreland, for one) Matt Stairs and Bryan LaHair.  But still, I’ve been a Cubs fan for like 35 years, and Heyward’s the best.
2. I believe it won a Webby for quickest exit off of a web page by everyone
3. Arrieta has allowed a clown-car-esque 29 hits in 56 innings.)
4. And really, more like 40 weeks.
5. Read: Against the Cardinals
6. To be fair EVERYBODY on the Cubs homered in that game.