Like a lot of things in life, when it’s good it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s really bad. So goeth Real World: Las Vegas. Last night, was just about as bad as it gets.

So we’re cutting down on the recaps until this show pulls its head out of its rectum.

Last night Arissa got in a fight with Dario on the phone. She went to a bar and got picked up by a pimp-looking big nosed guy who let her wear his horrendous hat.

Brynn is depressed, possibly faking an anxiety attack and thinks she has schizophrenia. (Not making this up.)

Arissa goes on a second date with pimp nose and falls for him. He promises to buy her a hat!

Brynn calls her mom and asks her mom if her mom would tell her if she really were a shizo.

Arissa is excited because pimp nose is flying back to town to see her.

Brynn finds out (in a letter) that her mom is going back to drug rehab. (I loved that.)

Arissa gets stood up by pimp nose.

Trishelle says, “Maybe he just really, really likes you and got scared.”
Arissa says, “That’s crap.”

Brynn still thinks she’s crazy.

Enough!

My brain hurts, just thinking about it.

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The Bulls proved they are the NBA’s biggest enigma again last night. They knocked off the red hot Lakers, complete with a fully functional Shaq and Kobe—by 17 points! They kicked the Lakers’ ass. It was fun to see Phil Jackson and that ridiculous soul patch, bend over and it in the hiney.

Eddy Curry was a man last night. He went right at Shaq and outscored him 20-13. If not for Bill Cartwright’s ridiculous love for Corie Blount, Eddy would get even more time.

Remember when Bill told us that he couldn’t play Tyson Chandler and Eddy at the same time? Yeah, he threw that out the window about two weeks ago. I think it’s time to throw out the Jamal Crawford can’t play shooting guard thing out the window, too. Jamal plays the point like a shooting guard. If the reason you can’t use him at the two is because he can’t guard shooting guards, I’ve got news for you…he can’t guard point guards, either.

Somehow, the Cubs are 20-12 at home and 3-30 on the road. Three and 30? That’s absurd. how can you be eight games over at home and TWENTY-SEVEN under on the road? I’m not going to say that Cartwright is in over his head, but…he’s in over his head. It’s time to find a real coach now, Jerry Krause. Just a suggestion.

Shaq is fat, isn’t he? I mean he’s got a gut. If he’s slim at 330 pounds, what do we think he weighs right now? I’ll bet he’s not a biscuit under 380. I shudder to think.

Can ESPN just stop pretending that any of us care about women’s college basketball? I am all for women and sports. I have no problem with ESPN reporting on them, I think they should. But stop trying to bully us into feeling guilty if we don’t care about them.

When you do that, you end up with a narcissistic half-wit like Geno Auriemma putting on a show in a press conference by bullying a reporter who asked him a question he didn’t like. Then, you end up with Dan Patrick going all Chip Caray and saying ‘honesty compels me to tell you’ that “Auriemma was calm for most of the press conference.” Oh, shut up.

Some days, the links speak for themselves. So we’ll start with a pair of priceless ones.

Greg Couch with a great article on the strange, slick, phony man that Steve Alford has become. He’s turned those Iowa fans into true children of the corn, hasn’t he?

Seth Greenberg is my favorite guy today. The South Florida coach takes Billy Packer out behind the woodshed. Let me explain. On Sunday, CBS did some stupid “Around the Horn” ripoff by having Clark Kellogg and Packer answer a series of questions from Greg Gumbel’s toupee in no more than :20. When Gumbel asked them which mid-major conferences had a chance to get more than one NCAA bid, Packer answered, incredibly, “Conference USA.” At home, I nearly fell off my couch. Gee, there’s a darkhorse for you, huh Billy? Why do we think Billy said Conference USA (a conference which has had two teams in the top ten for most of the season)? Because BILLY DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MID-MAJOR CONFERENCES. Do we think Billy could name three teams in the Horizon League, or tell you who are the top two teams in the Missouri Valley?

Rosey takes shots at everybody.

The Bulls looked good last night. Someday this is all going to work out. Right?

Groucho says that the Bulls are inconsistent.

Rick Morrissey writes the requisite “Kobe’s not as good as MJ” column. Yawn.

Phil Rogers on those crafty White Sox trying to subvert the drug testing system. Shut up and pee.

Say goodbye to Rosey Colvin. We’ll miss him. On third down.

Don Pierson decries the loss of Rosey. I think it came down to last summer and a choice between Warrick Holdman and Rosey Colvin. For once, I agree with Jerry Angelo. Holdman’s an every down freak at linebacker. Colvin’s an undersized defensive end who does nothing when he’s not sent off the edge.

Dave Kelton is just about ready. Why do I close my eyes and see Kelton at third with Mark Bellhorn replacing an injured (again) Moises Alou in left field?

If Rod Beck is really throwing 84 MPH he needs to be waived. Now. Crafty only gets you so far.

Mark Buehrle is going to start opening day (gee, what a shock) and Bart Colon still speaks no English?

How much fun would it be to translate for a teammate?
Question: How does Bartolo like being in Chicago?
You ask Bartolo in Spanish and answers back (in Spanish): “I like Chicago very much. I know we will be able to win here.”
But you translate: “I like the big round asses on the Chicago women. I like that they are very slutty, too.”

I should have paid more attention in Spanish class.

Does OSU coach Jim O’Brien never not bitch about something? The reason the Illini got a higher seed than you did last year is because THEY WERE BETTER! Get over it.

Brian Cook is the Big Ten player of the year. But the Orange Krush told us that weeks ago.

Beware: the Irish open the Big East tournament with St. John’s. In a home game for the Johnnies. Woof.

The Wizard of Roz quotes an NFL source as saying, “Kordell Stewart must be out of his mind, Chicago has nothing to offer him but money.” As opposed to what? What does Arizona have to offer? Money and no receivers. Baltimore? Money and no receivers.

I want to party with Omar and Jose.

I have no idea what Ric Bucher’s point is here with Mike Dunleavy.

An excerpt from this week’s Sports Illustrated article on the weird, round, Kirby Puckett.

Frank Deford on writing about Kirby.

John Donovan says Alan Trammel has a tough job. Gee, ya think?

Don Banks mocks the Redskins’ free agent class. I think you know you have a bad class if you sign Rob Johnson or a white defensive back. Oops! They’ve got both!

EW on last night’s Real World crap-fest.

Hollywood is officially out of new ideas.

Hollywood says they won’t let a war get in the way of their self-grandisement.

America’s finest news source says that ‘Irish Americans gear up for reinforcin o’ the stereotypes.’