The Cubs Report returns and wonders just what the hell everybody’s so gloomy about? The Cubs have played the entire season without at least one of the Sosa-Wood-Prior triuvirate, and for a time none of the three were on the active roster.

So where are the Cubs? Are they 31-54 and wallowing in last place? No. They’re 41-34 and in second place in the division, and leading the NL Wild Card chase. Mark Prior’s back, Sammy Sosa’s back, and Kerry Wood’s due back in a week or so. So why the long faces?

A month ago we were worried the Cubs would be so far out of the playoff hunt when June ended that there’d be no chance to get back into things. Instead, the Cubs are 15-10 in June and in two weeks the difficult part of their season schedule will be over.

They had plenty of chances to fold, and they didn’t. So relax. Enjoy it. The good part is coming. We promise.

Sammy!— Predictably he strugged after coming back off the DL, but not as much as we all feared. He sent a Stevie Loiaza pitch into orbit on Sunday and followed that with another bomb to right field and a Cubs’ lineup that is strong from top to bottom still needs him. No matter what your personal feelings for Sammy are (and if you don’t like him, you’re a dope), he’s the most consistent offensive force on the team. The offense will be better now that he’s back and back in form. Now if only Dusty would move him back to the third spot in the batting order where he belongs. Why does he belong there? Because his .378 on base percentage looks a lot better in front of Moises Alou than Moises’ .325 one does in front of him.

Moises Alou— When Sammy was out, Moises got a lot of credit for picking up the slack, and some of it is deserved. He’s having a good year and though he can’t throw to save his ass anymore he’s played a surprisingly frisky left field. But as good as he’s played he’s not on a pace to drive in 100 runs even though two guys who bat behind him are. You just hope Todd Hollandworth’s bruised shin heals before Moises’ inevitable ankle/wrist/groin injury.

Corey Patterson— Nobody has taken more crap this year than Corey and for a good stretch it was deserved. His defense in center field has been good all year (he will, on occasion get to a single only to have to reach down four times to pick it up–that never gets old), and he’s the only Cubs basestealing threat. In June he’s hitting .316 with a .369 on base average and a .505 slugging percentage. We can live with that. Oh, and he’s 24 and has a whopping 378 Major League games under his belt. Cut him a little slack.

E-ramis Ramirez— Until his defensive meltdown on Sunday, E-ramis had done better than anyone had any dreamed he could ever do defensively. He’s got good reflexes and a cannon for an arm, and when he actually takes the time to step towards first base when he throws he’s very accurate. There’s no doubt that having the mammoth Derrek Lee at first has helped him, but most of the improvement is on Aramis. Offensively, he’s a stud. His average is up to .325 his on base average is .370 and he’s driven in 54 runs in 75 games. If not for a certain mongoloid in St. Louis he’d be the NL’s best third baseman (apologies to Mike Lowell and Adrian Beltre). His plate discipline is improving and it’s not absurd to wonder if someday E-ramis might challenge for a batting title.

Todd Walker— He was supposed to come in as Mark Grudzielanek’s backup and maybe play a little first, a little third and a little left. Instead he’s played 64 games at second base. Defensively he can be an adventure, but offensively he’s the best the Cubs have had at second since that Sandberg fella. He draws walks, hits for power and his on base percentage is nearly as high as Kenny Lofton’s was with the Cubs last year. (It’s higher than Lofton’s is right now.) He needs to remember to shave, but other than that there’s not much to complain about.

Mark Grudzielanek— When he tore his Achilles’ in spring training you wondered if he’d get back for the season, and if he did how long it would take him to get back into form. Well, it took him a game to get back to where he was last year. This might be Gruddy’s perfect role. Dusty is going to try to get both Walker and Gruddy three starts a week. The truth is the Cubs have two second basemen better than the one most clubs trot out there every day.

Derrek Lee— He was abysmal in April, mediocre in May and absurdly hot in June. What we need is for Derrek to just be good the rest of the way. Defensively he’s better than advertised, and if Chip and Steve weren’t so busy trying to give his Gold Glove away to Albert Pujols (and have you never seen Pujols make an exceptional play at first? Ever?), they might want to focus on just how good the guy they see every day is. Lee looks to be on pace to hit 30 homers and drive in 100 runs and well, at least people will stop deriding him with comments that he’s just a taller, tanner version of Mark Grace.

Michael Barrett— In the spring I called him Jim Hendry’s white whale, because from the time Hendry took over as the GM he’s been trying to trade for Barrett. Well, this year he finally got him and now we know why. He’s slumping right now and is down to .283, but when you look at what the Cubs got out of their catchers last year he could drop another 40 points off his average and still be an improvement. (Memo to Michael: Don’t do that.) Defensively, he’s got his moments. This weekend at The Cell, his glove had a hole in it, but over the long haul so far, Barrett’s been a keeper. Now if only they could do something about his backup. But we’ll get to Gabor in due time.

Todd Hollandsworth— It could be instructive that though he’s been around for less than half a season he’s already the best baserunner the Cubs have ever had. I don’t mean he’s the fastest, just the smartest. There’s never been any doubt about Todd’s ability, though, just his ability to stay healthy. There are two kinds of fourth outfielders. The kind the Cubs usually have are the ones who suck too bad to play every day. The other guys are the ones who just can’t stay in the lineup full time. That’s Todd. We don’t expect him to finish the season over .500 as a pinch hitter, but he’s already proved valuable. And it was nice to have a real DH this year for the Interleague games.

Tom Goodwin— Tom Goodwin has never been a good baseball player, and this year he’s absolutely terrible.

Jose Macias— In the past ten months, Jose has walked once. Way to go, Jose! Supposedly he can play every position on the field, but Dusty won’t even try him at shortstop, so he’s been limited to some second base action and some in the outfield. In right field he approaches fly balls like he’s trying to sneak up on them. This, I do not like. Jose is not very good.

Ramon Martinez— When you look at his numbers since Alex Gonzalez got hurt, Ramon’s been pretty good. Not great, not even above average, but solid. He’s the only player I’ve ever seen who noticably slows down after three consecutive starts, and that causes a problem because the Cubs literally do not have another shortstop right now. Things will be better when Ramon is back on the bench, and only asked to help out once or twice a week. For now, we have to live with him and Rey Ordonez. Wow, just typing that gave me a stomach ache.

Rey Ordonez— Thirty six at bats, three hits, three errors. There’s a special section in hell for guys like Rey.

Gabor Paul Bako II— What can we say about Gabor that we haven’t already said? Bill Simmons has a saying that good players bring things to the table and really bad ones actually take things off the table. Gabor’s got a pocket full of silverware right now.

Alex Gonzalez— Casey Daigle did something that nobody thought was possible (no, not date a gay softball player) he managed to make Cubs fans miss Alex Gonzalez. When Daigle hit Gonzalez with a pitch (though home plate umpire Charlie Reliford didn’t think it hit Alex) and broke his arm, Cubs fans rejoiced. We thought it would mean the Cubs would trade for Orlando Cabrera or Omar Vizquel. No, instead it’s been a revolving door of Ramon Martinez, Damian Jackson and Rey Ordonez. Wow, here comes that stomach ache again.

Dave Dubois and Jason Kelton— Whatever, like they’re not interchangeable. They are both ripping the cover off the ball at Iowa (especially Dubois) but whether or not they ever get to really play for the Cubs is up in the air. Oh, and here’s a shock. Nic Jackson is out for the year with an injury. Who had late June in their pool? Anybody?

The Franchise— He missed the first two months with a phantom Achilles injury and is just now starting to round into form. It’s a testament to his raw talent that even at 80 percent effectiveness he’s 2-1 with a 3.28 ERA. His main problem hasn’t been arm strength, but control. For most pitchers 10 walks in 24 innings isn’t that bad, for Prior it’s cause to reform the Warren Commission. He does have 28 K’s in those 24 innings though, and so you know that he’s close. Some dope (Jay Mariotti) wrote that the only way the Cubs can get back into the race in the NL Central (like they’re not in it right now) is if Prior and Wood go on some sort of roll down the stretch. Well, put me in with the guys who think that’s absolutely going to happen. A rested Mark and Woody mowing down the dregs of the NL in August and September is the kind of thing that keeps The Genius up at night. Muahahahahahahaha!

Kerry Wood— Please hurry back! When he got hurt on May 11 in Los Angeles it was an ominous sign, even when they said it wasn’t “serious.” Six weeks later he’s still not back. But if (and if is the key word) he really is healed now, he’ll arrive just in time. Morans can claim that the Cubs haven’t missed him because of Glendon Rusch, but the reality is that when you take one of the five best pitchers in the NL off your staff, you miss him terribly. We’re missing you terribly, Kerry.

The Lawnmower— I’ll tell you what my first thoughts were on Saturday when he started that game in Comiskey. I thought, “Oh, crap he’s too hyped up again, just like the playoffs last year.” I don’t think Carlos’ struggles in the playoffs last year were because he was tired. I think they were because he’s 23 years old and from time to time he gets too fired up. His ball was moving all over the place on Saturday (just like in Atlanta and Florida last year–and even in Cincinnati in his last regular season start) and when he’s calm, he uses it to his advantage. When he gets excited the only way he can think to straighten it out is to try and throw it even harder. That’s a bad thing. Because eventually he’ll either walk himself into a stupor or he’ll let up on one to get it over and give up a bomb. That’s what happened. But for most of the season, Carlos has been dominant. He’s going to be a great pitcher. Not just a good one, a great one. He’s young, he’s got great stuff and he’s a competitor. You can’t not love the guy. He’s pretty close to great already.

Greg Maddux— His last three years in Atlanta taught us this about Greggie. Most of his starts he’ll be the great Greg Maddux. He’ll have pinpoint control and the other team will be screwed. But unlike his glory days, from time to time he’ll have nothing and it’ll be batting practice. That’s only happened three times with the Cubs so far, but when it happens (like on Sunday) it’s alarming. He’s the best fifth starter in the game, though, so who’s complaining? Not me.

Glendon Rusch— In 2001 and 2002 I had partial season tickets for the Brewers. I saw Glendon Rusch a lot. He was awful. I keep waiting for that Glendon to show up. But every time he starts to struggle, he seems to be able to adjust and pull it all together again. So far. Hurry back, Woody! At the very least we need Glendon in the bullpen, where he was very good for the Brewers last year after a horrible stretch as a starter. Oh, and he can hit, too.

LaTroy Hawkins— I cringe whenever some nitwit says he can’t close because he doesn’t have the mentality for it. Screw that. LaTroy could be the NL’s best closer (non-Gagne division) because he’s got serious s@#$ and great control. There’s no doubt he’ll do a great job in that role. The only problem is that his ascension to closer leaves a hole in the set-up corps. As for LaTroy not talking to the media, I wish he’d take it a step further. I wish he’d not talk to them, and stuff most of them down the laundry chute.

Regular Joe— He became Irregular Joe sometime during Spring Training and was finally diagnosed with a frayed rotator cuff. Does that heal on it’s own? The Cubs seem to think it will. We love Joe because he’s a regular guy. He’s been through independent leagues, the Mexican League and all over the minors and when he’s healthy he’s got just enough to get you out. Plus, he’s sweaty and always looks panicked on the mound. I find that strangely endearing. I hope he gets healthy and gets back into the bullpen because we need him, and he deserves to be part of the pennant the Cubs are going to win this year.

Jon “Ice Man” LeICEster— Nice of Hawk and DJ to not bother to learn how to pronounce Leicester on Friday, huh? Yeah, they’re a couple of pros. Honestly, if you put Todd Wellemeyer’s uniform on the Ice Man would you know the difference? I didn’t think so.

Todd Wellemeyer— How can you get hurt when Dusty never lets you pitch?

Frank Beltran— Other than the fact he insists on walking the first batter every time he comes into a game, I really like Francis. He’s big, he’s got some serious s@#$ and (this is true) he and Carlos relax in the clubhouse by putting boxing gloves on and just beating the hell out of each other. How can you not love that? I can’t wait for the first guy dumb enough to charge the mound with either Francis or Carlos on it.

Mike Wuertz— Is awful. Just go away. My favorite line from any CubsLive this year was when an intrepid reader posted “From bad to Wuertz.” Good stuff.

Jimmy Anderson— Yes, we sent him a pizza in Houston after he saved The Franchise’s win over Roger Clemens. But come on, he’s Jimmy Anderson. He’s not good.

Kent Mercker— I loathe him. Not only because he can’t do the only job he has (get a lefty out!) but because he pisses and moans about every call. Just learn to throw strikes or go home and wait for your brain to explode again, Kent.

Mike Remlinger— The Cubs think Lemons is a cute nickname for their bench guys, but in reality it’s what Remlinger’s been ever since they signed him from the Braves. If he was a car and was this beat up, you’d be able to take it back to the dealer and demand your money back. He’s on the DL…again, and even if he can’t get healthy, he could get a freakin’ haircut.

Sergio Meat Tray— This ought to scare the hell out of you. At Iowa, Sergio has a 1.71 ERA in 37 innings. Honestly, why isn’t he in the bullpen right now instead of Wuertz? And don’t give me that “he’s too stretched out to go to the bullpen” crap. He’s a pitcher. Just have him warm up and come in. And how sad is it that I want the Meat Tray on the roster right now? Oh, just shoot me dead.

Dusty Baker— It amazes me how much crap Dusty takes from the media and the fans. Do we not remember what this team was like the day before he took over? The Tribune even ran some dumbassed article yesterday about how Ozzie “outmanaged” him this weekend. Oh, cram that. Dusty knows what he’s doing. I love to rip managers and coaches more than most people, but I just don’t see any real reason to not trust Dusty.

Chip Caray— Tomorrow is the deadline for the Tribune Company to tell Chip whether or not he’s going to be offered a contract for 2005 and beyond. There is some speculation that they haven’t told him, and that they are hoping he will them that he’d like to consider other opportunities after the season. He doesn’t like it in Chicago. The fans don’t like him, I’m mean to him, his family (if they exist) is still in Orlando. Let’s hope he does the sensible thing and just goes away. Will we miss him? Sure, we’ll miss him. Like you miss a boil on your ass after it heals.

Steve Stone— Steve, it’s time to brush up the act. We know what you’re going to say before you say it. Get some new stuff. You’ve already beaten things like “ooh, there’s poor visibility for the hitters” into our heads, we know that an 0-2 pitch in the dirt is good idea and that you and Chippy like to pretend you never pay for a meal. If you can’t spend a few hours and think up some new stuff to bore us with, it’s time to retire. Again.

Ron Santo— I only have one complaint about Ron. When you are just listening to the Cubs on the radio and not watching them as well, you can’t help but panic every time he groans. He needs to add a level to his groans. You know like when something unfortunate, but not tragic happens on the field he can go, “Oooooooh!” And he can save the “Ohhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooo!” and “Dangit!” for a three-run homer or a line drive off the pitcher’s head. Otherwise, I love Ron. In a manly way.

Pat Hughes— He’s still underrated. How is this possible? I loved Vince Lloyd, but Pat’s better. Even if he does have to poop in the seventh inning of every game. Pat’s tremendous.

Andy Masur— Two things, Andy. First, you have to learn which pitch is which. You have to tell us if it was a breaking ball (specifics would be nice) or a fastball or a change. Secondly, when you do your scoreboard updates during day games when the Cubs and their opponents are the only ones playing, don’t take three minutes to do it. Thanks.

Overall: I’m obviously sick of the loathing going on about the Cubs current position. I think they’re in great shape for a second half run to the division title. The Cardinals are not that good. And even if they hang on, the wild card is going to be an easy get for our heroes. So relax. Enjoy this. It’s going to be great.