(Above) Cubs players congratulate Kent Mercker (left) for not pitching in Tuesday’s win.

Playing Craig Biggio in left field is proving to be a Catch-22 for the Astros.

If you hit 100 flyballs at him, he’ll catch 22.

I’ll be here all week! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

For the second time since Friday the Cubs played poorly in a win, just not as poorly as their opponent. Suddenly the five-game lead the Cardinals had on Sunday night that caused so many Cubs fans to wring their hands and sob uncontrollably is down to 3.5. You all would sleep a lot better at night if you’d just relax a little bit and listen to us.

It was a game that had it all. So let’s list what it had.

– Chip Caray started the game with a manic energy that was disturbing, even for him. I think it’s obvious that he’s been told he’s not coming back next year and he’s actually relieved. Plus, he had three days off and he spent them “playing” with his imaginary family and mainlining Pixie Stix.

– Chip and Steve started right in on the “isn’t it amazing that The Beege has made four position changes now?” OK, I’ll buy the big deal of moving from catcher to second to center, even if I think the whole thing was overplayed because he was such a lousy centerfielder, but it’s hard to think it’s a big deal to move from center to left. Though, the Beege would show us how hard it was a little later.

– A foul ball landed behind the Cubs dugout and a woman in a halter top came up with it. As she waved the ball, you could see that she had a second ball in her left hand. Steve said, “Well, she’s got a pair of them!” Awkward silence filled the booth. Brilliant.

– After an excellent at bat in which he fouled off several tough pitches, Corey Patterson singled to right to tie the game at one. Moments later he would be picked off second base. I’m not absolving Corey for any of this because it’s bad baserunning, but if you see the pitch again, explain to me how Glendon Rusch doesn’t actually successfully bunt a 82 MPH fastball right down the middle? How do you miss that? Plus, Corey’s RBI was only made possible because a horrific Jeff Kent relay throw allowed E-ramis to get away with the worst baserunning decision of the season, when he didn’t tag up from second on a Derrek Lee drive all the way to the ivy in center. I love E-ramis, but he’s just horrible on the basepaths. He needs a map. It’d also be nice if he’d hustle out of the box just once. Just once.

– Corey would make a great effort on a “triple” that hit in his glove. He did the hard part, he caught up to the baseball even though he had to run a good 60-70 feet straight back, but once you get to it, isn’t the easy part catching it?

– Moises Alou would enter the Julio Zuleta “Gardening is Fun” club in that same inning when the Astros continued their pummelling of Glendon Rusch, and Adam Everett’s ears hit one over Alou’s head and into the well. Alou got a glove on the ball as it bounced on the warning track only to knock it into the ivy. After looking for the ball for a good half second, Moises put his hands up in the air and pretended he couldn’t find it. Everett got two more bases and scored. Chip thought it was an inside the park homer, because Chip is a moron. It ended up being a double and an error. If Glendon Rusch wanted to pout about how that fourth run should have never scored, he probably shouldn’t have then given up a double to Andy Clettitte.

– Rusch was done after four. He had just been hammered. So, what does he do? He throws two more scoreless innings. I have no idea. I’m just glad he did it.

– Patterson would homer to make it 4-3 (And have you noticed that the booing has stopped?) and E-ramis would homer to tie it at four.

– Frank Beltran came in to pitch the seventh and he didn’t walk the first guy! That’s because the first guy was Biggio and Biggio will never walk. So he gets two easy outs and then has a 2-2 count on Carlos Beltran. In the Battle of the Beltrans, Frank would throw a split finger pitch about 44 feet, and you knew the next one would be meaty. It was and it went about 400 feet onto Sheffield. Nice work, Frank.

– Tom Goodwin got the pinch hitting call with one out in the seventh, and he came through with a double. I’m sure the fact that SheDaisy was at the game and had just sung “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” had nothing to do with it. Right?

If you don’t know who SheDaisy is, well they’re like the Dixie Chicks, only hot and not as fat. The redhead wore a Wendell Kim jersey. Probably because they’re the same size. Really, would anybody complain if they just became the permanent National Anthem and Seventh-Inning Stretch singers?

And by the way, the blonde one can’t sing at all, but she’s smokin’ so they keep her around. I don’t blame them.

Anyway, Goodwin’s double was followed by a Mark Grudzielanek single to tie the game…again. On a 3-2 count Dusty called for a hit and run with Mike “1 for his last 23” Barrett at the plate. I thought it was folly. Barrett fouled off the first one. Then, he singled to left on the second attempt. Gruddy went to third, and Chip excited yelled, “Nobody’s covering third base! Millions of Cubs fans at home saw Biggio throw to third and we all expected to see the ball roll down the line and for the go-ahead run to score. But Adam Everett’s ears were at third to catch the throw. Chip needs to be bludgeoned, doesn’t he?

That brought Sammy up with runners at the corners and one out. He looked foolish on two strikes and then popped out. Not your best work, Sam.

Moises was way out in front of a Dan Miceli change-up and lofted it helplessly to left. The Beege decided that rather than run under it and catch it, he’d just do a Jim Edmonds and run through the ball. Not such a good idea. The ball bounced off The Beege’s glove and fell to the turf as Gruddy and Barrett scored. Muahahahahahahaha.

The Farns pitched a perfect eighth and LaTroy worked an efficient ninth. He did allow a one out single to Orlando Palmeiro (a weak grounder in a perfect spot past E-ramis) but got The Beege to hit into a tailor made double play to short. Well, it would have been a double play had Ramon not boxed it. He did get the out at second. So then, LaTroy got Jeff Bagwell to hit a two hopper to Ramon to end the game. Only, Ramon thought Ichiro was batting and decided he had to barehand it and he dropped it. So now the Astros have the go-ahead run at the plate in Beltran. But LaTroy got one in on him and he grounded out to Derrek Lee.

Memo to Ramon: Normally when your closer has to get a five out save, he comes into the game in the eighth with one out.

– If you look at the Astros recent moves as one big trade (because they were related) they basically traded Richard Hidalgo, Octavio Dotel and minor league catcher John Buck for Carlos Beltran and David Weathers. Are they really any better? Weathers is nothing more than a journeyman set up guy (who Chip apparently thinks should be their eighth inning guy) and Hidalgo has hit three homers in his first ten games in New York and hit .320 last week. Beltran’s a great player, but offense wasn’t really the ‘Stros problem was it?

– Jeff Pornstache apparently pulled his hamstring on a double in the fourth and had to leave the game. I’m not saying he’s a puss, but he walked off the field without a limp and casually strolled down the steps in the dugout. How hurt could he have been?

– The Astros had to put Wade Miller on the DL last night, meaning their rotation currently consists of Andy Clettitte, Roger Clettitte, Roy Oswalt, Peter Munro and Jeremy Griffiths. Huh? Who were the last two, again? Ahh, with pitching depth like that, no wonder you could trade Octavio Dotel.

– The Cardinals have scored one run in two games in Pittsburgh. That means they’ll score 19 tonight, but the Pirates already took two from the Evil Satanic Fowl, so that’s pretty much all we could expect.

– By the way, Richard Justice of the Houston Chronicle is speculating that if (when) Jimy Williams gets fired that Don Baylor will become the permanent replacement. We’ll file this under, “When bad news turns good.” Baylor might be the only guy even less suited to managing a good team than Jimy.

– Just to prove I’m all heart, when the camera zoomed in on Biggio a few pitches after his left field fiasco in the seventh, I did utter out loud, “That has to suck.” I still enjoyed it, but you have to admit…that had to suck.

—

Moises and the Beege turned left field into their own personal Hell last night.

The Cubs are horrific on the bases, and have been my entire life. How is this possible? Can’t they even accidentally get better?

This is the current Bulls’ free agent shopping list: Bobby Sura, Toni Kukoc, Brian Cardinal, Stephen Jackson, Anthony Peeler, Adonal Foyle and Brian Skinner. I think I just went blind reading that.

Stevie Franchise gets to wear Mouse ears…finally.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to put the “family Cell attack” into his typical perspective.

The Astros lost a game, a pitcher and the Pornstache. Nice trio. Though, I suspect the Pornstache is not all that hurt.

It might be a while before Todd Hollandsworth limps out to home plate again.

I see no reason to send Kerry Wood to Iowa for a rehab start. If he can get Jose Macias out (snicker, snicker) in simulated games, he’s ready. Seriously, though, why not just have him make his “rehab” start against the Brewers with either the Ice Man or Glendon ready to pitch two or three innings of relief once Kerry hits his pitch count?

Pax says he’s not actively looking to trade Eddy or Jamal.

The Wizard of Roz with more crap from Sanjay H. Hey, Sanjay, do you really think the Braves are looking to add Moises? That’s two trades in two days in which he’s expected teams to want Moises. Just mark the Beef Jerky up again and go clean the Slurpee machine.

You know the dire straits the Cubs were supposed to be in? The Red Sox are really in them. Not only are they fading behind the Yankees but their Wild Card competition is much stronger than in the NL. Would you rather have to outpace the Reds and Phillies or the A’s, Angels and Twins/Sox?

Jack Givens claims he’s innocent of the child molestation charges and was just giving the girl a basketball lesson. In the swimming pool? Sounds like our old buddy Mark Chmura.

If the Red Sox don’t want Nomar, we could probably help them out.

Halle Berry likes to play with toys.

Where were these teachers when I was a kid?
She is, actually, kind of hot.

She looks a little like Jennie Finch.

Get your Saddam doll, while he’s still alive!

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