Hello again, everybody, your old pal Karry Ling here today to give Andy a much needed day off from the Dose. Phew, working four or five hours a week will certainly tire a guy out. Oh, I’m kidding! I’m a kidder.
I’m sure by now you all know that LaTroy Hawkins gave up a ninth inning homer to Carlos Beltran yesterday and the Cubs are still three and a half games behind the Cardinals in the NL Central and once again tied for the Wild Card lead. So, enough about that! What the hell is going on with my one time fiance Britney Spears?
Britney is engaged to “dancer” Kevin Federline. The fact that Kevin’s ex-girlfriend is still pregnant with his baby and already has one from earlier on in their relationship doesn’t seem to bother our little Britney. That, also could be because a New York newspaper says that Britney is preggers, too.
My sources tell me that Britney is indeed pregnant, but that’s not the scandalous part! She’s already had one baby. Check this photo out. It appears that her son is a toddler!
The father of that baby appears to be Madonna.
Wait, no. Sorry. That’s Vern Troyer in the first photo. Never mind.
Anyway, getting back to Britney and her “dancer” fiance. Let me tell you from years of living in New York that dancers don’t normally knock up women. This is true because the male dancers are normally sleeping with each other. So it comes as a shock to me that Mr. Federline could have already fathered two babies with his former girlfriend and knocked up Britney. Of course, it’s possible that dancers are more motile than we knew, considering their lack of hetero activity?
Federline’s babies momma is my favorite “Moesha” cast member, Shar Jackson.
How could you leave Shar for Britney? OK, I suppose that decision’s not too hard.
As for me, well, I’m heartsick that Britney has broken our engagement, but I’ll get over it. I just recently met two women online who are completely void of the issues that Britney always has around her. I just want to meet a nice, normal girl and settle down.
Oh, what the heck, you should meet these girls, they’re great. The first one is named Audrey. She’s a former student at the University of Wisconsin at Madison and she’s kind of shy about why she left the school, and why she freaks out at the sight of hardware store surveillance cameras. But she’s a peach!
The other woman I’ve been chatting with is even prettier (can you believe it?) She’s in her early 20’s and she teaches elementary school in Florida. Her name’s Deb and she keeps telling me how much she loves kids.
Here’s an actual excerpt of one of our chat sessions. It’s pretty steamy so beware!
StatuDebbyrper001 Hey there hot stuff! Sorry I’ve been out of touch. I only get Internet access once a day now! :)
PamperMeLing: Got you workin hard? :(
StatuDebbyrper001 Something like that. Karry, dear? Remember when I told you how much I love my students?
PamperMeLing: Of course. It’s one of the things I love most about you! LOL! ;)
StatuDebbyrper001: Well, I might not be able to c u for a while, because of my love for the kids. :(
PamperMeLing: Going to be working some extra hours?
StatuDebbyrper001: You could say that. I’ll be putting in some time, alright.
PamperMeLing: I admire your work ethic. BRB
StatuDebbyrper001: BRB? Be right back?
PamperMeLing: BathRoom Break. I’m full again. … I mean I have to go.
OK, you guys get the idea. She’s a sweetheart! I’m so lucky. Two great girls and I can put all of the headaches about dating a star like Britney right behind me. Just a normal relationship. It’s going to be great.
Before we get to the links, I need to share you a photo that I came across. It’s an inspirational story, too. There’s a man in Iraq named Ali Bah-Shair and he’s kind of a “performance artist” if you will. Or at least he was, before the oppressive reign of Saddam Hussein started more than 30 years ago. Now that Iraq is free and soverign, Ali can get back to what he does best.
Yes, ladies and gentleman he’s back! The world’s worst flasher!
OK, let’s get to the links:
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Roger Clemens enjoyed an amoebic strike zone yesterday. I’ll bet he likes his amoeba more than Jason Giambi.
Todd Hollandsworth’s leg is nice and pink! Ooh, that’s good news.
Rick Morrissey says the pennant races start now. I’d say it’s time to peel a couple more months off the calendar, Rick. They started in April.
If I told you the Cubs and Sox wives were going to play a softball game you’d yawn. But what if I told you they were going to play topless?
Greg Couch says the Cubs don’t hustle. Yeah, they may not Hustle but they do a mean Ride the Pony!
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write something about Freddy Garcia.
Sammy’s going to start the All-Star Game. Unless there’s some voter fraud like last year.
Some guy has a rooftop lounge on Addison? Can he even see Wrigley from there? I have a cooler and a lawn chair on my roof, do the Cubs need to put up a windscreen to the northwest of the park to block me?
Isiah Thomas is just dumb enough to pay Jamal Crawford like a real NBA player.
The Wizard of Roz publishes even more unfunny e-mails from angry Cubs and Sox fans.
The Suns offered Kobe $100 million. Gee, how much would he get if he wasn’t an alleged rapist?
The Mailman is no longer delivering.
All it took was 11 straight losses for the D-backs to figure out they’re not going to win the pennant.
TJ Simers is funny.
Carmen Electra is starting the Nude Women’s Wrestling League! Finally!
Karry, you’re nearly as creepy as Elliot Harris in the Slum-Times.
You used to be creepier until some genius over there started running his fat, old, white, bearded creepy picture every day, confirming that he’s just another garden-variety dirty old man.
At least you’re fictional, which may make me the sicko for addressing comments to you.
What you mean, DH, that Karry is fictional? He’s real. Sometimes I see him holding up the wall at Frizol’s Tap, and other times, I just see him shuffling out of the local Walgreens with a half-pint of something green, and a large sack of paper goods.
I’m busted, sneding me to fat Jay’s.
item about CLTV’s former perv – http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-0407010365jul01,1,6311878.story?coll=chi-news-hed
Cubs need to bear down and win today, so they cut the Cards lead to 3. Hopefully we don’t get a repeat of Zambrano vs. Diaz.
Wheeeeee! I’m playing today. I’ll make sure we don’t have a repeat.
What a fricking hoax.
Thanks for getting our hopes up, as the Tribune has informed Chippy that they are ready to negotiate a new deal.
Where’s the CubsLive thread?
For those of you whose loose stools are "Morning at the Bakery" scented, you’ll be glad to know that you have not contracted Amoebic Dysentery.
Can I see some documentation on this informing of Chip?
Honesty compels me to say that it was in today’s Trib. But I’m too lazy to find it again.
Rey, if you come up in any situation where we need contact can you please make that contact?
Thanks…
http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports/baseball/cubs/cs-0407010394jul01,1,3642439.story?coll=cs-baseball-print
It’s true. They expect negotiations to go beyond the season and into the fall, so maybe there’s a shred of hope. Probably not.
Does that also mean my glove must come in contact with ground balls?
What the hell is http://www.chalchitra.com?
I’m setting the over/under on Brit’s marriage and when this guy takes off with half of her cash at 18 months. He looks like a douchebag, somebody you’d like to punch if you saw him at the mall or a Sox game.