Remember when I said that if the time came, I’d tell you when to panic. Then you could park the car in the garage and feed the garden hose from the muffler through the driver’s side door. Or, you can stick your head in the oven. Perhaps, you’re a bleeder and you’d like to pour yourself a bath, slit the wrists and kind of float away?
Oh, snap out of it! It’s not time to do that yet. The Cubs are still eight games over .500, and even if the St. Louis Cardinals haywagon doesn’t blow a tire in August (it will, trust me…when have I ever let you down) the Cubs will win the Wild Card, and the last two World Series champeens won just that very “title.”
Sure the Cubs sucked eggs this week in Milwaukee. It was ugly, really. But if you take away the runs the Brewers scored in the first innings of the first and second games, and the second inning last night, the Cubs win the series 2-0!
Yeah, those are straws I just grasped. I’m not proud of it.
I’ll just set them down, now.
There’s nothing wrong with the Cubs pitching (although that Brewers offense is more anemic than a Seth Green push up (did I make a Seth Green joke yesterday? I’ve got to stop smoking crack this early in the morning). The Cubs offense? Let’s just say that either E-ramis Ramirez is the greatest player in the history of baseball (always a possibility—hey, I’m just being open to new ideas here) or well, there are some problems.
You’ll notice that in Sanjay H.’s column in the Daily Herald today…wait, no it’s Barry Rozner’s column, he just lets Sanjay write a third of it three times a week…that our favorite Quick E Mart employee trots out Moises Alou’s stats since the first of June. They’re not pretty…much like the three day old hot dogs rotating on the spit in the Quick E. Mart. So he says that the Cubs should trade Moises.
That’s brilliant! I’m sure no other team in baseball has a crack statisician like Sanjay and can see that Moises is struggling. I’m also sure that a guy who is a career .299 hitter and who hit .361 in April and .301 in May has completely lost it. Maybe the Gary Miller incident before the May 18 Giants game caused Moises to stop peeing on his hands and now he can’t hit?
I agree with what the Roz wrote on his own in that column. The Cubs are in good shape, and Jim Hendry will do something to fortify the team down the stretch. If the Cubs were going to have folded up and thrown themselves out of playoff contention, it would have happened by now. Three little hitless nights in Milwaukee haven’t changed anything.
The Cubs don’t play tonight. So try and take one day off from obsessing about how many things can go wrong.
And, if you want, you can click on over to our PayPal account and throw a few bucks at us to help pay our server bill for June. If you do, you get a prize of Dubious Value. Thanks to those of you who donated yesterday and today you’ll be getting an email with info on your prize of Dubious Value.
I have no idea why that stupid PayPal button always has so much space above it. It’s just quirky, I guess. Kind of like me, I suppose.
—
Occasionally, I like to remind you that back in the infancy of the Internet (you know, right after Al Gore invented it) I was one of the pre-eminent NBA experts on the Internet. There was a time when the dominant players on basketball were Jack Ramsey on ESPN.com, me on Onhoops.com and Chad Ford who wasn’t working for a Website but who was playing Sega Genesis in his mom’s attic trying to interview the pixellated Tom Chambers to figure out how Tom could always dunk from the top of the key and why you couldn’t beat the Suns because of it.
So, what I’m trying to say is that I’m uniquely qualified to analyze the recent signings in NBA free agency. Let’s look at them.
Utah signs PG Carlos Arroyo for four years, $16 million.
Magic sign F Hedo Turkoglu for six years, $36 million (offer sheet, Spurs can match).
Raptors sign PG Rafer Alston for six years $29 million.
Warriors sign C Adonal Foyle for five years $41 million.
Utah signs F Mehmet Okur for six years $50 million.
You can sum it up like this: NBA General Managers are complete dumbasses. You know what you’d get if you assembled a starting lineup of Arroyo, Alston, Turkoglu, Foyle and Okur? Not only would it cost you $36 million a year, but you’d go 15-67…maybe! How can these bums be worth this much for this long?
Granted, Arroyo’s a nice player and he’s probably worth four million a year. But Rafer Alston? What are the odds he can even get through customs the 41 times he’ll have to this year? Adonal Foyle? Last year he averaged three points and three rebounds a game! I’m 6’2 and I can get you three and three! He’s 6’10!
Hedo Turkoglu? Actually that makes sense since the Magic don’t expect to make the playoffs for nine years, and Hedo won’t be able to disappear if they don’t make them.
Mehmet Okur is a nice player, but I like my eight million dollar men to be able to jump over the Des Moines phone book, and to be able to at least do four sit ups. Mehmet can’t do either. For the season he averaged three points and two rebounds a game!
This is the market value for these guys? What would Jon Koncak be worth now if he was worth $13 million in 1989? Somebody, probably the Magic or the Jazz would give him $10 million a year for about seven years. $70 million for Koncak! And when compared to these signings it wouldn’t even be the most ridiculous one on the list.
If you’re wondering, yes, I’m bitter than I’m not 6’8 or taller, if I was, I know I could have been the second coming of Matt Bullard. Guh.
—
It was not the finest of nights for The Lawnmower or for the Cubs offense. I did, however, enjoy his Bo Jackson move when Carlos broke the bat over his knee. Wow, he’s a real, live bad ass. You can’t not love Carlos.
Dusty says The Franchise is “close.” As long as it’s not closed.
Kerry’s return is welcome and needed.
Jamal has to wait for Isiah’s ridiculous attempt to sign Kobe (for what?) before he gets overpaid by the Knicks.
Dennis Rodman ran with the Bulls in Pamplona. How fitting.
Dan McNeil is up to his typical, old, crap. I’m cool, I got suspended! Whoo hee! He used to pull this stuff at the Score, too, and nobody cared then, either. However, I can’t argue with his choice of targets this time.
Wait, maybe I agree with McNeil more than I thought. Check out this piece of crap. Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write an all too typical (for him) hack job on the Cubs. You have to love his stance that Sammy should skip the All-Star game for the good of the team. If Sammy did skip the game for any reason, Mariotti would rip him immediately.
Mike Kiley’s a dope, too. He complains that the Cubs didn’t do anything to tout E-ramis’ candidacy for the All-Star’s 32nd man contest. He says that the Phillies had electronic messages at their home games to remind their fans to vote. Hey Mike, where did the Cubs play every day since the “contest” started? Milwaukee. Do they get to run the Jumbotron there?
The Wizard of Roz on the Cubs wild card chances, and of course, Sanjay’s corner.
Handsome Thad Matta is the new OSU head coach.
John Donovan on the Red Sox, and he takes a pathetic cheap shot at the Cubs and their fans. Nice.
The Red Sox are after Randy Johnson. I find this funny, because people try and make the case that Curt Schilling will help recruit Randy to the Red Sox. I’m pretty sure Randy dislikes the annoying Schilling as much as anybody else who has ever played with him. He’s only been a Red Sock for three months and his teammates are already tired of the way Fat Curt runs to any camera with its light on.
Where are the Suns getting all this cash?
Harvey Yavender (he’s a looker) says that the Phillies can’t give up the great Chase Utley and Tim Worrell for Barry Zito. Huh?
If anybody knows what the hell Bill Conlin is getting at here, let me know. How can you write this crap and get paid for it? Don’t the Phillies have a pretty good first baseman? What’s his point?
Josh Beckett’s blisters aren’t getting any better. I think Moises knows how to fix that.
Matt Drudge wonders if the whole Kerry Edwards thing is a little like Clettitte. It is a little creepy.
This is just weird.
This Margarita tastes a little like Prestone.
I have no problem not-loving Zambrano and his bush-league antics.
I just had to write about two men with their hands all over each other. It’s not exactly a veiled secret that I’m as interested in women as my fellow Floridians Armand and Albert Goldman are.
Hell! I want to get my hands all over Jon Edwards, too! He’s tasty!
1) I ponied up through PayPal. Where’s my worthless merchandise?
2) Drudge ought to know. Doesn’t the A-List out him as a self-loathing homo?
3) When will somebody just beat the crap out of Mariotti? it would be worth the million + lawsuit that playground pansy Jay would no doubt drop. I hate that cracker Hawk, but what i wouldn’t give to see him just pummel Fat Jay’s face in.
I’ll take care of Hawk when he’s man enough.
Hey Mike D:
Mariotti has reached a new low. He plagarized me! And Desipio readers know all that Ivy Chat is good for is to help you rest soundly and achieve regularity.
Honesty compels me to report that Ned Yost has terrible morning breath. He gets my vote for manager of the year, if I had one, and he’s a remarkably scrappy lover. But, please sleep with the mouth closed, Ned!
Mike D., actually, Andy made a typo, you don’t get merchandise of dubious value, you get me for a day! I’ll be over in 20 minutes.
Great, Jason. Maybe I’ll have you sit on the bench for two weeks, and then send you up to bat to lay down a sacrifice bunt.
You know, just to make you feel at home.
Gang, how do you think I’d do against Barack Obama? If you vote for him, I’ll toss a wad of gum at you.
In life as in football, you have to decide what’s important. Besides, if I run for Senate, I won’t have time to waste with Mike North on the Score.
http://www.dailysouthtown.com/southtown/dsindex/08-ds3.htm
http://www.draftditka.com
Please Mike…the only worse canidates would be the Ryans, George and Jack!!! Voters couldn’t be that dumb, could they?
Yes voters could be that dumb.
The Ditka thing smacks of desperation on the GOP’s part. Somebody already contacted Dave Duerson about running against Obama without doing their homework. Duerson did some work for the Obama campaign during the primaries, and the request that he run against Obama resulted in him endorsing him instead.
Cue the gay romance novelist!
Chuck, I’m all for Mariotti bashing, and who wouldn’t be, but can you give us an I Said/He Said on the plagiarism? I seem to be missing it.
Did my first walk really merit such praise that I deserve Cub Scrub of the Moment for several weeks, or is it just that nobody else has done anything good?
I can’t believe I wasn’t recognized for my role as a White Sox killer!
Kerry Wood will just have to bean Rolen good in the shin and take him out for the season. You know, Wood has no control, it’s not like it would be on purpose!
Just kidding. But it’d be nice to win on Sunday against Matty Mo. Or, to win any of the games.
I’ll be sticking with my regular rotation. Marquis, Suppan, and Carpenter for the series. No Matt Morris.
But as The Genius, I reserve the right to pitch Morris in relief, and perhaps play he and Ray King in Left Field as part of a cutesy lefty-righty switcheroo that makes the game last 6 hours.
Kerry/Edwards is clearly the choice for me.
Unlike Andy, my panic button is fully mashed down in the "ON" position.
Please don’t count on Hendry to do something special to jumpstart the offense: who are you actually going to get, and who is going to sit down as a result?
Face it. You’re stuck with what we have. Are YOU counting on Alou, Sosa and Lee to turn it around magically?
Because, I can’t see how you can justify such blind faith.
You can’t "bean" somebody in the shin. To bean is to hit someone in the head. I’m for that, too. Though it didn’t work for Pissburgh.
You think I’m the reason the Cubs struckout 17 times on Monday? I want to play next to Nomar, get me Nomar please.
Drudge, Matt. FOD and egg fetishist who’s done great damage to his gay brothers and sisters by aiding the cause of fascists, intolerant orthodox Christians, and conservative scum. Ethically challenged hypocritical lackey and moral catamite to right-wingers. We remember you from the old days, Matt-o, and when you fall back to obscurity we’ll be waiting with sharpened knives.
We did sweep the Cards, even though it was not the same series.
We also swept the Brewers in 4 games. Obviously, we’re about to bust through to the top of the division. Move over, Poo-holes.
Well, plagarism might be too strong. But both of us questioned Alou’s age, Sosa’s lack of hitting, questioned the Cubs’ focus on blaming the umps, and directed the conversation to Hendry upgrading the offense. Oh, and he quipped about the Cubs being "nine or ten games back" as my post was titled.
Pretty erie that a hack like me can belt out Mariotti’s column. And "hack" to describe me is generous.
I’m also, apparently, better at expressing the ideas in a much more concise, cost effective way. I did it for no renumeration in 244 words. Jay did it for 6 figure scratch in 1,099 words.
I can’t believe Andy didn’t mention that I was at the game last night.
I was in Two Ronnies hell last night. One shouting Woo Woo, the other shouting OH NOOOOOO! Isn’t that right, Ron Santo?
Whuuh? Snort, wheez, snort. Huh?
Yeah, yeah, that’s right Pat.
God knows I’m no apologist for Jay Mariotti – the guy can’t write worth a damn and gives even lazy journalism a bad name. Frankly, if I ever see his fat face again it will be once too often, and I wouldn’t p155 on him if he went up in flames – but plagiarism, Chuck?
You’ve got to be kidding.
His column does bear a general similarity to yours – but if you asked me to write a list of the six biggest problems facing the Cubs at the moment, my "column" would be pretty similar to yours, too.
I think vanity may be clouding your judgement – and if I were you I’d think VERY carefully before putting that kind of accusation in writing again, even on the Internet.
Hawk just called Jay Mariotti the "master of fabrication" and said he never lets the truth get in the way of what he wanted to say. Mac Jurko and Harry have always been bashing Mariotti. Does anybody in Chicago respect this guy?(I think he’s awful)
Lighten up, Jeff.
I mean Psycho!
"Does anybody in Chicago respect this guy?(I think he’s awful)"
Evidently, Bill Adee, who was the Sun-Times Sports Editor who evidently was feeling spiteful towards the fine people of Chicago and hired Mariotti in ’92.
Other than that, no, I can’t think of ONE person in Chicago who enjoys OR respects Mariotti.
Adee works for the Tribune now. Way to start a fire and bail out, dude.
You mean TWO people, this Mariotti and Chuck, are both on to me?
Face it, Chicago shows almost no signs of intelligent life when it comes to local sports media.
Hawk said Mariotti was the "master of fabrication"?
Hawk should be VERY careful before putting that kind of accusation in a broadcast again, even on Fox Sports Net.
I feel very strongly that the White Sox would have won the last 3 World Series if not for the presence of Jay Mariotti at the Chicago Sun Times.
Plagarism is a nasty word. Here at the New York Times, we prefer the concept of "building upon an established premise." I mean, half my columns’ topics were also in Josh Marshall’s blog. Usually, only days before I wrote on said topic.
I taught I put the standard fur lightweight vice presidential candidates. John Edwards has nuthin on me.
I was just thinking that I have yet to read or hear one single defense of Smeariotti. In fact, the nicest thing I can say about him is after spending a Smith & Wollensky’s lunch at the table next to him, he’s really not fat and he wears expensive suits.
But he does wear A LOT of cologne and talks too loud on his cell phone. Too cool for school.
JAY IS A FINE JOURNALIST AND I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED OUR TIME WORKING TOGETHER! WHY AM I SCREAMING? IT’S A SHAME I CAN’T CONVEY MY LISP THROUGH TYPING!
Can you believe that big jerk LaTroy won’t talk to us?
#43, I can do what you do, but you can’t give up a homerun to Carlos Lee in the bottom of the 9th.
It’s true that Jay’s not fat anymore. He lost a bunch of weight right after he started going on Around The Horn. Somebody should tell him that nobody watches the show so he can get Bill Conlin-fat if he wants to.
But he still likes doughnuts.
Don’t worry, LaTroy, I’ll be back before you know it to not only give up the game-tying run, but then the game-winning run to the next batter.
Anybody know what I’m doing these days? I’ll take the mound in the ninth for the Cubs again.
My being the inventor of the Save compels me to point out that a Save situation cannot be created by a team that fails to score a run.
And now the weight of my eyebrows compels me to lay back down.
Not only did we only score two runs against the Brewers, we also only scored two on Sunday against the White Sox.
So, in the last 36 innings, we have scored FOUR runs. That’s not good.
I know a lot of people don’t like that Nomar for Clement rumor that circulated earlier this week. However, with Wood coming back I think that if Boston wants to do it we should make the deal. We won a division with freaking Shawn Estes as the fifth pitcher, so you want to tell me that we can’t do it with someone like Sergio Mitre as the fifth starter? We need a number 2 batter and a shortstop who can actually hit. Nomar fits both perfectly. And, Nomar has great stats at Fenway… And Wrigley is just about as friendly to right-handed hitters as Fenway is, so I would think Nomar would be a good fit for hitting at Wrigley too…
Hi B.C., remember me? I’d be the 5th starter.
Larry Walker has declared that he is open to being traded to a contender. A solid left handed bat in a lineup that is sorely lacking them sounds pretty good. Would the Rockies take Alou for Walker? The trade off for them would be that they would be out from under Moises contract after this year, while Walker can’t be bought out until after 2005, which would pretty much stop any talk of the Cubs signing Beltran or Mags next year.
from http://injury-law.freeadvice.com/libel_and_slander/public_figure_lawsuit.htm:
"Public figures have a "harder road to toll" than the average person since they must prove that the party defaming them knew the statements were false, made them with actual malice, or was negligent in saying or writing them. Proving these elements makes the chance of a successful lawsuit slim."
Ah, but Krugman brings that economist’s eye to subjects that I as a political scientist lack….
Throwing my Sanjay hat on, the trade would be Nomar for Clement AND either Alou or A Gonz. I’d rather unload Alou now so that you free up an outfield spot for a leadoff hitter (Steve Finley seems to fit best).
But A Gonz is obvious because the Sox would need a starter at short and the salaries of A Gonz and Clement are just about equal to Nomar.
If the Sox throw in some cash or a high ceiling prospect, I’d do Clement and A Gonz for Nomar in a heartbeat.
Mitre / Brownlie / Rusch / Guzman are the candidates for the fifth starter.
Who need A-Gonz? I would be starting at short for the Red Sox, and Bellhorn would get 2nd.
Stop yourself!
Hey Cubbies!
I have 11 hits, 3 homers and 13 RBIs this month.
Your team has a grand total of 19 runs scored this month.
You need me. Baaaadleeee!
Sorry for forgetting you Glendon…
I wouldn’t want to go back to the majors, anyway. At AAA, I ROCK!
Sergio, something tells me you are trade bait.
I forgot about Pokey. Well, Clement’s owed $3mm for this season and Nomar’s owed $5.75mm. The Sox need to either give the Cubs $2.75mm or take a player owed $2.75.
A Gonz is that player that fits. Were I SanjayHendry, I’d take the cash and keep A Gonz as my reserve and launch Rey Rey to the moon moon.
Chuck, you bitter, bitter man. I think it would be brilliant to include me in a trade for Nomar. That way you could make sure the D-backs make you overpay for Finley because you’d be completely screwed if you didn’t get him.
I hurt. I will be of little or no use for a few more weeks. You can’t trade Moises, unless you want to see Tom Goodwin out in left every day, because you already know Dusty won’t use Dubois.
Like the Astros overpaid for Beltran? Say what you want about depleting the pen, but Dotel and a minor leaguer for Beltran isn’t overpaying.
And Hidalgo was already gone.
Hollandsworth, you moran, it’s called a shin guard. Now that we’re down to 1 Todd, I agree with CT. We need to make that move for Larry, so at least we have 2 Walkers.
Houston’s lame. I would’ve liked Chicago. Oh, well!
Todd, maybe you should pee on that crushed leg nerve.
Hey, Ricky is hitting .400 at AAA, you need to call up Ricky!
Ricky, isn’t AAA fun?
Something tells us Mitre isn’t trade bait. We’ve seen him pitch and he sucks very badly at it.
Let Ricky be Ricky!!!
Oh, wait, that’s the wrong guy…
The Cubs should trade Andy Pratt and a self-hating comedian to be named later to the Braves for Juan Cruz.
For those ready to give up on this year, the future looks good, the Cubs AA affiliate in West Tennessee is sending 10 players to the AA All Star game, including Richard Lewis, the throw-in in the Cruz-Pratt deal.
I struck out seven in 4 1/3 scoreless innings for Iowa on Wednesday. I gave up one hit and walked three. I should be ready to join the Cubs as a middle reliever next week.
How about this deal? The Cubs trade Mike Wuertz, Rey Ordonez, Brendan Harris and Kent Mercker to the Iowa Cubs for Kerry Wood, Ryan Dempster, Ricky Gutierrez and Alex Gonzalez!
Nah, Iowa would never do that.
Seriously, who goes down when Remlinger and Dempster come off the DL? You just know it’s going to be Leicester and Beltran, isn’t it? Just because they have options left.
I tried to get lit up by the Brewers twice this week and they wouldn’t let me! They’re crafty, they know it’s in their best interests to have me on the Cubs roster.
:::…who goes down when Remlinger and Dempster come off the DL?:::
Chip goes down.
On Edmonds.
I’m better than Remlinger and I don’t break my hip every other day. Those morans better not send me down.
The Brewers are in cahoots with us, Mercker. We love having you in the Cub bullpen.
Whoops. I’m back.
"The Ice Man" should be on the major-league roster the rest of the season barring injury or a major performance downturn.
This is the grand total of players on the 25 man roster than any other team with half a brain would take in a trade, regardless of budget and expected return:
Ramirez, Patterson, Walker, Lee, Hollandsworth, Barrett, the Rotation, Hawkins, Tightpants, Leicester.
SO forget about anything involving Alou, Gonzalez, and the rest of the mangoo.
They’re not yelling "Alouuuu!". They’re booing.
Sloth:
You’re telling us that Clement has *NO* trade value? What’s next? Lindsay Lohan to old for you?
We’re back on!
Sloth, I think it’s a reach to assume that most GM’s in baseball have half a brain. I mean, the same guy who was smart enough to deal for Carlos Beltran also traded for David Weathers.
Screw Tom Emanski! There’s nothing wrong with the Cubs that a little Jody Reed baseball wouldn’t fix!
http://www.jodyreedbaseball.com/
We need a pitcher worse than the Red Sox do! Cashman! Send them the pretty boy shortstop with the band aid on his face and the Visa commercial for the guy with the weird Abe Lincoln beard!
Jody Reed’s agent convinced him to turn down four years and $1.2 million from Tom Emanski to wait for a better offer.
Man, that agent still sucks.
Please quit confusing my lovable curmudgeon character on The Odd Couple for a real sports journalist.
Hey Jack, I’m pretty sure your last name was Klugman.
To show the high integrity of Duke’s alums, I told the Cavs not to pick up my 700K option for this year because I was going to sign with them for the mid-level exception, but instead I signed for $68 million with the Jazz!
Hey CT. Thanks for being a Master of the Obvious.
I, by the way, am a Master Bater.
Hey Jody, you oughta hire my agent, man.
It’s a lovely day here at Amen Corner on the Master Bater course. Who will come home with the illustrious green cum rag? Only the future can tell. Or maybe somebody who’s psychic or something. I’m a douche and my hairpiece is loose.
Carlos…where you goin?
Damn.
Don’t worry Bron. Carlos borrowed my bike to drive to Salt Lake to sign the contract. He’ll never make it.
Who the phee-yuck are Carlos Boozer, Jay Williams, and LeBron James?
We know who Jay Williams is!
So do we!
Just want to clear up something….Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling are actually good friends. Lest you bash Schilling, bear in mind he and he wife raised millions for charity when they were here. If you want a media whore, just listen to Mark Grace go on about "slumpbusters" on Jim Rome, Dan Patrick, or any other sports talk show in the world…
Also, I love Matt Drudge’s pictures of Kerry Edwards. I know the Democrats are the party of the homosexual lobby, but I didn’t know they were THAT desperate to get the gay vote…
And finally, http://www.jodyreedbaseball.com? Damn! Being from Arizona, I just paid perfectly good money to attend the Travis Lee Baseball School! And I could have just learned from Jody Reed on the Internet for FREE! At least he had some major league career! Noooo!
I had a major leage career?
We got to kill those Cardinals…
thanks Andy!! That gift really IS of dubious value!!!
ahh, Onhoops.com…
…remember the good ole days.