You asked for it (really, you did) and now you got it. I’ll start with a common question…I don’t know who the kid on the graphic is. It’s not mine (as far as I know) but he looks puzzled, much like I did after sifting through the items in the old mailbag. So, without further adieu, here we go.

1.. What the hell does “Desipio” mean?
2.. What happened to Mike Sirotka?
3.. Wonderful. So Jake Potter’s back. What about Kelly Dwyer?
4.. Have you ever seen a worse Cubs website than www.cubscentral.com? It’s as bad as reading Vineline, and horribly un-updated.
5.. Do you have a real job?
6.. What exactly was www.onhoops.com?
7.. What’s with the lack of recent mention of Milt Palacio?
8.. Did you resolve your differences with Alex Kaseberg?

1. Desipio is a Latin word that means “to make an ass of one’s self.” As Dan Quayle once said, “If I knew I was going to visit Latin America, I’d have studied Latin in school more.”

2. Mike Sirotka has not dropped off the face of the Earth. The last time I stopped at the Steak n’ Shake in Greenville, SC he was there handing me my shake through the drive thru window. He was using his right arm though, so don’t expect a comeback.

3. Jake’s back and so is Kelly. I’m just hoping they weren’t “off” together.

4. I read Cubs Central every day. Did you see that Joe Borowski just went on the DL and that Greg Maddux has 294 wins?

5. I do.

6. OnHoops.com was in many ways the predecessor to Desipio. It was a site started in 1995 in California by two guys, Chris Cote and Brock Anderson and it’s main purpose was to waste time at work and talk NBA basketball. Chris and Brock said that if you wanted to send them a column and it didn’t suck, they’d post it. I sent them many, they posted some and in 1996 the three of us got hired by an outfit in Seattle to bring sports news to the world. I was literally on the same staff as Bill Russell (the Celtic not the Dodger) and Joe Morgan (the Anti-Christ not the sleepy Red Sox manager) and in 1997 the site got purchased by Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen (currently played by Hugh Jackman on Broadway…no, wait, that’s Peter Allen). Paul Allen pulled the plug on the unique content porition of go2net.com, though the MetaCrawler that they built is still there. For about six years they had the coolest stock and sports ticker in the world. Trust me. You’ll notice that Desipio has a born on date of July 24, 1997, that’s about 23 days after Allen whacked us.

7. I don’t think we’re ignoring Milt, we’re just waiting anxiously for the start of NBA training camps so we can be all-Milt all the time.

8. Alex Kaseberg and I kissed and made up, until he slipped me a little tongue and now we’re not speaking again.

Do you think there are any women reading Desipio? Do you want women to read Desipio?

My mom reads Desipio and she’s a girl. There are a few of you who are signed up through Desipio Insider who have identified yourselves as female (but that could just be the Sloth and his wishful thinking). Actually I know for a fact there are girls who read Desipio. Some of whom I haven’t dated, even. There aren’t many, and I’m sure they can’t get enough gratuitous photos of Mary Kate and Ashley or Lindsay Lohan. But they’ll get over it.

Are we in for two more years of Gabor (the remainder of Maddux’s contract)?

I’d like to say no, but I have a feeling he’ll at the very least be back for Spring Training next year. The Cubs don’t have any catching prospects of any renown in the high minors and though he’s useless, Hendry and Dusty seem to like Gabor. I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it. I did observe over the weekend though that Todd Pratt is as lousy, if not even lousier than Gabor.

I love the nicknames, but couldn’t you come up with a glossary, it’s hard to keep track of who’s who when you just refer to them as Lassie, The Lawnmower, Gabor or Karen Carpenter.

We should do a glossary. It could work something like this.

Lassie — Jim Edmonds, Cardinals. His nickname was bestowed upon him during a 2002 GameCast when I mentioned that he was on deck, molesting a collie. It struck a chord and it has remained.

The Lawnmower — Carlos Zambrano, Cubs. He has El Toro written on his glove and I joked that it didn’t mean The Bull, it means The Lawnmower.

Gabor — Paul Bako, Cubs. His real name is Gabor Paul Bako II.

Karen Carpenter — Chris Carpenter, Cardinals. Only because every time he drinks Gatorade in dugout he sticks a long-handled comb down his throat and throws it back up.

Did you know E-ramis’ middle name is Nin? Now you do. Anyway, send in any nickname you don’t understand and we’ll explain it.

Since you are the NBA expert, how long are things just going to remain the same for the Bulls? Every year, they get little or no help from the draft, every year, they bring in guys that sleepwalk during their entire tenure with them, and there is nothing they can use to trade with.

Little or no help from the draft? I’ve got a closet full of Trenton Hassell and Chris Mihm jerseys that say otherwise. In retrospect, there were three things that killed the Bulls. First, when Jordan retired after the sixth title, and Rodman went off to Celebrity Mole, Jerry Krause had one legitimate trading chip to use. It was Scottie Pippen. Pippen wanted a sign and trade deal for the maximum and Jerry Krause decided that if he did it, Pippen wouldn’t be able to bad mouth the Bulls and it would help their “cred” with potential free agents. But Krause didn’t want any big contracts back, so he ended up trading him to Houston for Roy Rogers, Trigger and a first rounder.

The second bad thing was that after the ’98 season the NBA had a lockout and the agreement that came out of it gave a tremendous advantage in signing a free agent to the team that the free agent was currently on. The Bulls had gambled that the new collective bargaining agreement would have made it difficult for teams with maxed out caps (like the Bulls had had but were still able to pay Jordan upwards of $30 million his last two seasons) to keep expensive free agents. It wasn’t. So most of the free agents never really hit the market and the ones that did decided they’d rather be bad in Florida than Chicago.

Finally, the Bulls finally won the lottery in 1999 and there was no franchise player to draft. They did well, drafting Elton Brand, but he wasn’t and will never be a superstar. They traded him two years later hoping that Tyson Chandler would be a superstar and that’s never going to happen, either.

How much they improve will hinge on whether Eddy Curry ever gets in shape, if Chandler’s back will ever stay healthy enough for him to become a usefull power forward and on how well a 6’3, 6’2 backcourt of Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich works out.

So when will they be good again? Optimistically? 2029.

Why aren’t there any kids playing sandlot baseball anymore? Don’t say “EA Sports NCAA Football 2004”, ’cause we had Galaga and Centipede, and we still balled!

Are there any sandlots left? Aren’t they all filled with crack dealers now? I think the major reason that kids don’t play sandlot baseball anymore is because organized baseball is too organized now. When I was a kid our baseball season ran from May through the middle of July and then we had a tournament and called it quits. We’d practice once a week and play twice a week. That was it. Now some of these travelling teams have games two or three nights a week and a tournament every weekend. I’d have loved the extra at bats but sometimes enough is enough.

But you’re right, when we were kids we had the same distractions the kids do today. I had an Atari 2600 and a Commodore 64 and I could waste hours at a time playing games just like the kids can today. But I also felt the burning need to go out into the driveway and bounce a tennis ball off the garage door and pretend I was Rick Sutcliffe or Shawon Dunston for a couple hours. In fact, I’ve got the sore right arm to prove it. There’s nothing healthier for a growing body than trying to throw a four ounce tennis ball as hard as you can about 300 times a day.

One of my friends used to come over all the time and I grew up on a farm so we had a big driveway and yard, so we could actually pitch to each other. We used to always pick teams and you had to bat the way the guys in your lineup did. I was a lefty batter so he’d get pissed when I’d fall behind and announce that Gary Varsho was pinch hitting for Ryne Sandberg and that Gary would be playing second base the rest of the game. He got over it.

Why is it, Superman lets bullets bounce off his chest, but when the bad guys throw their guns at him, he ducks?

I think the real question is that if Superman is bulletproof how did the original TV Superman, George Reeves, blow his head off?

Wouldn’t it be fair to say that the only meaningful vote Michael Moore is going to cast this fall is the one on the McDonald’s Sandwich McWish website? I’d say he’ll be pulling the lever for his dream sandwich of country fried meatloaf with extra mayo. What is your secret McWish for a Dolan-themed sandwich? Surely Ronald will help a fellow Mick make his McDream come true.

Huh? What? Who?

I’m a newcomer to your great website. It’s very outstanding, unpredictable, unique and first and foremost entertaining.

Now, to business. What is wrong with this team? Can’t we smuggle a left-handed bat from another team to play left field? I know Moises is having a good year, but isn’t Carlos Beltran going to be on the market soon?

Also, I heard talk that Maggs will come over to the North Side during the offseason. Now, he’s a great player and I would love to see him here. However, if he comes, Sammy goes. Only because he’s younger and we have a glaring hole in our lineup for a lefty. What do you think?

This guy knows how to write an e-mail! Flattery will get you everywhere.

What’s wrong with the Cubs? It changes from day to day. The one that doesn’t is starting pitching. How can you squander the best starting pitching the Cubs have ever had? But it’s never the same thing two nights in a row. Some nights they don’t hit, other nights they hit and they run their way out of innings anyway, other nights the bullpen implodes. What they need is a real leadoff hitter (or the return of Todd Walker to the lineup) and a freakin’ clue on the basepaths. Oh, and the move to either the Ice Man (damn, another nickname) or The Farns to the closer role and let LaTroy, LaSetUp again.

I think we already know what’s going to happen in left field next year. Thirty-nine year old Moises Alou at a discount price. Maybe he can learn to switch hit? Sammy’s around until the current deal ends…and maybe longer. Unlike Atlanta, the Cubs have no track record of knowing when to cut the cord.

What was the Taco Bell joke that Chip told a while back?

I don’t know a Taco Bell joke (if anyone heard one, e-mail it in), but he did make a terrible Arby’s joke in the Anaheim series. During the long Sunday game (the one where Todd Hollandsworth kissed the outfield wall and the Ice Man got the win) there was a swarm of bees on the robotic camera behind home plate. Suddenly they were gone, and Steve Stone said they probably went to lunch. Chip said, “I’ll bet they went to Ar-bees.” Another reason he needs to be beaten with a sock full of bars of soap.

And finally (mock applause fills the Internet)…
What ARE we going to do with all of those pitchers we have down on the farm? Maybe two years from now, we will have to replace Maddux. Are we replacing Wood? Prior? Clement? Zambrano? At most, two of the big pool willl pitch on our club. What about the other ten or so? I thought this was the year? If it is, why haven’t we used any of these guys on a closer and/or shortstop?

The sad truth is that for every five pitching prospects you have one will be a good player in the bigs and one might be a star. If the Cubs have had ten studs down there the last few years (say, for example Carlos Zambrano, Dontrelle Willis, Andy Sisco, Angel Guzman, Jason Jones, Bobby Brownlie, Luke Haggerty, Francis Beltran and Juan Cruz), maybe four of them will turn out. In fact, when you include Mark Prior to Carlos, Dontrelle and Beltran (if he doesn’t go Andy Pratt on us), the Cubs have already churned out more than their share.

I think the Cubs would have been happy (and still would be) to deal some of them for position players. They think they got lucky in the Cruz trade with Richard Lewis, and they got E-ramis and Derrek Lee without trading top pitching prospects. But Guzman, Sisco and Haggerty have been hurt and either the Cubs are reluctant to trade them or can’t because of their injuries. I still think you’ll see them move a couple before the deadline this week.

In fact, if the rumors we heard were true, the Cubs would have sent Beltran and Todd Wellemeyer along with the mulleted Brendan Harris to Boston for Nomar.

My feeling is that Hendry really wants Nomar. If not now, then in December. I think that’s the sole reason he hasn’t traded for Orlando Cabrera yet. He can have Cabrera whenever he wants, but he doesn’t want to trade for him until the Big Unit finally gets traded. I know that Hendry is hoping that if the D’backs can’t work out a deal with the Yankees that at the last minute Johnson agrees to go to Boston, which would bring Nomar to the Cubs.

I still think that the Red Sox can blame Johnson’s reluctance to pitch for them on Schilling. His weird self-absorption was on display Friday night when he sat in the dugout and “cried” after getting lit up by the Yankees. If he really was wracked with emotion, shouldn’t he have gone into the clubhouse? No. He can’t get credit for “really caring” if the TV cameras don’t see him. What a jackass.

Thanks to everybody who wrote in. From now on, give yourself a “handle” and the city and state you live in when you write in (I was going to ID people by name or their e-mail addy, but decided you might want some privacy. As always, e-mail me at askandy@desipio.com.