Today is November 9 and if you figure that most teams report to Spring Training just after Valentine’s Day, there are about 13 weeks left in the offseason.

Gang, I’m worried about Phil Rogers.  He’s always been the standard bearer for dumb, but he’s really cranked up the intensity so far this fall, and I don’t know if he can keep up the pace.For instance, this Tweet about the Cubs and Royals’ free agent centerfielder Lorenzo Cain.

So Phil acknowledges that Cain hasn’t led off for more than three full seasons, but somehow a soon-to-be 32 year old who, non-leadoff hitter who plays center is the perfect solution for the Cubs, who already have a 23 year-old non-leadoff hitter who can play there.  Plus, Cain got a qualifying offer from the Royals, meaning it would cost the Cubs a draft pick and International Signing Pool money.

Oh, and Phil also thinks that this is a possibility “if Kyle Schwarber traded.”  Why would the Cubs need to move Schwarber to add a centerfielder?  You don’t often see a non sequitur of this caliber to start off the offseason.  Somewhere in his drafts Phil has a Tweet that says, “Cubs should bring Larry Bowa in to fill first base coach opening.  Possible if they get rid of the ice cream machine in the lunchroom.”

But the Cain/Schwarber Tweet is nearly lucid compared to this one:

This is the mother lode…as in pantlode.  It has all of the hallmarks of a great delusional Tweet.

First off, the mere thought is so ridiculous that you immediately dismiss it out of hand.  Why would the Giants want to take on the $134,000,000+ left on Heyward’s contract?  Why would the Cubs want a fifth starter who is being paid like an ace?  Plus, they already had Samardzija once and made a token effort to sign him two years ago and had their valuation of him blown out of the water by the Giants.  Then, there’s Melancon, who just had elbow surgery, is making basically the money that Wade Davis is going to command this offseason, and who took about two months to become a pariah in his own bullpen.

Then, there’s the matter of Heyward’s no-trade clause.  He’s not leaving a team that’s going to contend for World Series for years to go to a team that can reminisce about how good they were before everybody got old and bad.

This moronic Tweet, pulled straight out of his ass like some undigested sweet corn, caused writers in San Francisco and Chicago to have to spend time debunking something that they all knew was bullshit.

How could Phil top it?  How about by doubling down on his own dumb.

OK, if you don’t know who Shohei Ohtani is, he’s the next Japanese phenom, and he’s not just a highly regarded pitcher, he’s also a stud hitter.  At least in Japan.  And, if you don’t know who he is, you clearly don’t read Bleacher Nation, since the only thing Brett Tweets about more than Ohtani, are complaints about not getting a blue Twitter checkmark.

So, in Phil’s world, the Cubs need to move Heyward to get Ohtani, not to clear money for him–which ironically, they don’t, because Ohtani is subject to the International Pool limits, and the Cubs can’t sign any international player this offseason for more than $300,000.  In fact, the most Ohtani can get this year is $3.5 million from the Rangers.  There’s a lot of thought that Ohtani will sign a low cost deal with whatever team he prefers, who will then wait until enough time has passed for the restrictions to expire and then sign him to a big contract more line with his actual free market value.

No, Phil think the Cubs need to trade Heyward because both he and Ohtani bat lefthanded.

Is Ohtani allergic to other lefthanded people?  Will they have to put Anthony Rizzo and Schwarber in HazMat suits around him?  Why would this possibly matter?  Is Phil a new era Chinese philosopher named Confusedius?

I really worry that Phil has set the stupid bar too high.  Maybe we can get odds on what asinine take he’ll have next.  Betstar provides good odds betting on MLB games, maybe they can tackle Phil, too?

What’s next?  Maybe he’ll “hear” rumors that the Marlins are offering Giancarlo Stanton for Tommy La Stella?  Perhaps he’ll break the news that Joe Maddon drives an RV?  Regardless, it’s always important to remember that Phil hasn’t had a real source since Larry Dierker died.1

Here are those annoying footnotes.

  1. Larry Dierker’s still alive, and giving tips on how to stay calm during World Series games.