I thought Kerry was ribbed?

Today’s Dose has nothing to do with the photo. But why would you put that thing on anywhere near a camera? All he needed was a tank and he was Mike Dukakis yesterday. Anyway…

The Cubs spent six innings trying to secure the patent on the most agonizing way to lose a baseball game. They squandered countless scoring chances. They allowed a run when the second baseman made a catch running away from the field instead of the right fielder taking charge. If Sosa catches that pop-up, Brady Clark stays at second and Brady can’t score from there on a sac fly. Even if the ball was hit to Moises, you can’t score from second on a sac fly. Now if you hit one to Wily Mo Pena…oh, never mind.

In the seventh, the Cubs made Chip Caray’s day by scoring on a homer so he could proudly declare that his meaningless stat was holding up.

The Cubs have scored 44 percent of their runs as the result of a home run. That’s great. They also lead the National League in homers. Shaddup.

With runners at second and third, Mark Grudzielanek, the Desipio.com whipping boy of the moment came up and got his third hit of the game scoring two runs and giving the Cubs a 3-1 lead that they wouldn’t surrender. Matt Clement got his first win in eight starts (though his ERA is under 3.00 over that span…wow), and Glendon Rusch pitched two impressive innings of relief. I’d forgotten that Glendon was on the team. But then, I’m a dope.

LaTroy got LaSave thanks in part to the home plate umpire and Russell Branyan and Brooks Kieschnick having no concept of where the strike zone is. Hey, whatever works.

Meanwhile, on Fox, they had this show called Trading Spouses. I only saw parts of it, but one of the dads said one of the most profound things ever on TV. He was explaining to the well-to-do lady who was swapped with his wife that, “We usually save the goings for the eatings for the weekends.” I think we can all agree to that. Whatever that means.

I also forgot to mention one of the finest Pat Hughes and Ron Santo exchanges of the year. I heard it on Friday night during the win over the Phillies. Pat was telling Ron that it looked like the Expos were going to move to Washington, DC next year. Here we go:

Ron: Well, if the Expos go to Washington they’ll probably be in the NL East next year.
Pat: That’s right Ronnie.
Ron: So who leaves then?
Pat: What?
Ron: If the Expos go to the National League East, who do they replace?
Pat: They’re already in the NL East, Ron. Nobody has to leave.
Ron: Oh, that’s right.
Pat: So that works out pretty well.
Ron: Yeah. So how many teams will be in that division next year?

You just don’t hear that kind of baseball analysis every day. Sterling stuff, there.

Last night I watched the Cubs game on Fox Sports Net with Daron Sutton and Bill Schroeder. Of all of the announcers you can hear if you get the DirecTV MLB Extra Innings package, my favorites are Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow (FSN Bay Area — Giants), Sutton and Schroeder (FSN North — Brewers) and Sean McDonough/Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy (NESN — Red Sox).

The irritating part of watching last night’s game on FSN North was that I knew that Sutton and Schroeder weren’t saying any more nice things about the Brewers than Chip and Steve were saying about them. Nobody kisses the opponent’s asses like Chip and Steve. Sutton’s actually funny, and he shuts up from time to time. When E-ramis Ramirez doubled in the seventh, Sutton just let us watch it. Chip used about 1400 words to try and describe it. See, the good announcers remember that because it’s TV we can actually see what’s happening. That’s why TV is infinitely easier than radio play-by-play. Can you imagine Chip doing radio? He’d hyperventilate. (Note to self: Suggest Chip do some radio…)

Sutton pointed out in the fifth that when E-ramis didn’t score from second on a single it was because he stopped…not because Wendell Kim stopped him. In fact, Schroeder pointed out that Kim was waving Ramirez home, and then Schroeder also pointed out that E-ramis would have been out from here to Sunday had he kept going.

It should be heresy to say you’d rather watch a game with the opponent’s announcers, but tonight and tomorrow night the Desipio.com satellite dish will be welded to channel 642. If only to try and encourage my own sanity.

Here’s what I saw of last night’s Sox-Twins game. I flipped over just in time to see Torii Hunter make a puddle out of Sox catcher Jamie Burke. I immediately thought to myself, “you know Jamie…whoever you are…if you’re going to stand in front of home plate without the ball you’re going to get hit.”

So, in what came as no surprise today, Phil Rogers says of the play “This cheap shot served as an exclamation point on the evening for the first-place Twins, who delivered a message to the White Sox: Not so fast.”

Whatever.

Rogers goes on to say that because the Twins are playing untested guys like Lew Ford, Justin Morneau and the now injured Nick Punto that the Sox have the edge. But here’s the thing…Ford and Morneau are good. Morneau as a matter of fact can flat rake. The fact that the Twins were in first place before they finally got around to launching Doug “Eyechart” Mientkiewicz should be of concern to Phil. But it’s not. Because he’s a simplistic dolt, who sees the Eyechart as a defensive whiz. Even if that defensive whiz has been an offensive liability for the Twins ever since his half season deal with the devil expired in 2001.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rip Ricky Williams for retiring. He says that Williams is a scumbag because he took $16 million to play football and then just gave it up. But here’s the thing, Jay. Did he ever not play hard? Did he not lead the NFL in rushing attempts the last two seasons? He earned the money they gave him. He just didn’t want to play anymore. And he won’t get paid for not playing. I admit my opinion is somewhat colored by the fact that I despise Dave Wannstedt and I am enjoying watching him squirm without his only real offensive threat (OK, Chris Chambers is good, but look at who’s throwing at him this year…Jay Fielder and Jay Feeley. And yes, I know Feeley is Heather Mitts’ boyfriend and that’s why I hate him.) Ricky’s timing sucks. But people quit jobs every day.

Clement finally gets a win. I’ll bet if he’d have stopped making the guys wear the ugly blue pajamas he’d have won before this.

Grud is red hot. Relatively speaking.

Greg Maddux reflects on 300 wins. But not too long. I loved this quote, “Guys even helped without trying to help. Ed Lynch was one. You learn more from watching the guys than them saying stuff to you—good and bad.” Gee, do you think he learned from Lynch things like, “Wow, don’t throw that pitch to that guy.”

Maddux thinks back to his first win.

“Hey, why do they keep those big hunks of cement in that net?”

Isiah Thomas wants Jamal Crawford really badly. He hasn’t seen Jamal play, has he?

Football nitwit David Huh on the Bears position-by-position.

Huh says the Bears and first rounder Tommie Harris are haggling over a Honda Accord. Hey Tommie, get the EX.

Why do I think that Ryan Dempster is a white elephant?

Kris Benson is on his way to Minnesota. So is Anna!

The Bulls are still about to sign the Argentinian guy. Sure. Whatever.

Here’s how dumb I am, I read the headline for this and thought, “What the hell does Dwight Gooden know about this?”

Isiah’s coming to get Jamal. Only if he takes Eddie with.

Ricky tells Dan LeBatard the ‘Phins are better off without him. Sure.

The Unit says he’ll only play for the Yankees.

Mike Berardino, as always, needs a shave. He also says the Marlins need to add player not dump them. But if they want to dump guys they should trade Armando Benitez to the Cubs for Angel Guzman and Felix Pie. Hey buddy, you got Dontrelle. That’s it. Now shut up.

The Red Sox need a right fielder. How about Tom Goodwin?

Hey, is that why they call them KILLER whales?

Dude, this is the best parfait ever!

Two people got pepper sprayed and arrested for talking on the cell phone during a movie. Heh!

Oh that Ben Affleck he’s just so…there.

One of the Simpsons characters is going to come out of the closet this year. I think it’s too obvious to be Smithers (hell, he’s hardly in the closet.) I’m betting on Willie!

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