A few things about taking the next two Fridays off:
1) The sight of the Badgers taking it up the hiney this morning while I drank my breakfast was a beauty. I still hate Jim O’Brien, but I could pretend otherwise for two hours.
2) The Cubs and Sox are on Fox Sports Net as I type, and after two innings I’m already tempted to poke out my eardrums to make Hawk and DJ stop. Right now they’re interviewing Jerry Manuel while the game’s going on and somebody really should see if he can fog up a mirror. Is there a pulse there?

Last night’s Survivor had a “twist” you could see from a mile away. But it was still fun. So lets get to it.

It’s day 13 and Deena has forgotten she’s not a lesbian again. “With Joanna gone, I feel I’m in control. I’m the top dog, the alpha female. But Jeanne’s mad at me.”

Jeanne is mad. “They voted the strongest one off, gee that smart.”

Shawna is still being held hostage. “The people in my own alliance are trapping me here.”

Deena isn’t showing much sympathy for sweet, sweet Shawna, though. “Shawna’s problem is 70 percent mental. She might as well just buck up.”

Buck up? What is this, a Bogart movie?

Over at SausageFest Alex is making like Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree. He’s trying to break a limb and it kicks back and smacks him in the forehead. Priceless. The other guys try and treat him. They even crack open the refrigerator and let him hold a Coke on his forehead to slow the swelling. Roger stitiches him up. With what? I shudder to think.

Alex says, “Chicks dig scars.” Guh, this is no time to quote Keanu Reeves.

Back at Tribe of the Vagina Monologues, Jeanne is yelling at the rest of the women. She says she overheard the “alliance” last night and she’s accusing Deena of saying that Jeanne isn’t part of the team. Deena does the smart thing…she blames it on Quisty being deaf.

Deena tells the camera, “Jeanne is sweating her panties.” Hey, Deena it’s your friend Nancy on the phone! (wink, wink)

It’s reward challenge time. Both tribes are instructed to send their youngest member to a hidden location, normally only inhabited by Vice President Dick Cheney. Rob is mad because the tree-mail said the youngest would get a reward of “wine and laughter.” Rocket scientist Dave is the youngest. Rob says, “I’m sick and tired of the golden boy falling face first into luck.” Rob wants to fall face first into Heidi.

Was that out loud?

Over at Vagina Monologues Jeanne says, “the youngest doesn’t necessarily mean age.” Shut up, grandma.

Jenna, the swimsuit model is the youngest Vaginaian.

Jeff “Anal” Probst greets Dave and Jenna and tells them they can view this as “a break from the tribes or an opportunity.” Dave is hoping for an opportunity to see Jenna’s boobies.

Dave says they’re spending time in a “fantastic bungalow.”

Fantastic bungalow? Who is this guy, Bing Crosby?

Jenna says, “It’s like our own bungalow. You’ve got to be crapping me.”

Oy! What were the odds that both of them would know what a bungalow was?

Jenna and Dave were sitting around eating fruit and drinking wine and Jenna, like all women, was just babbling a mile a minute. She broke down the alliance she has with Heidi and the other “cute” girls, told him they were going to have to vote Jeanne off next, and on and on. Don’t give this woman nuclear secrets.

Dave gives a vague rundown of the guys. His is more humorous. “Roger’s 56 and an engineer (choo choo!), Alex is 33 and a triathlon coach (Jenna’s reaction to Alex’s age is our first glimpse into the fact that the Vaginaians think he’s hot) and then Dave gives her the important info. Rob talks about Heidi’s boobs and your ass. You have a nice ass.” Very suave, Dave. Loser.

He does get to see Jenna in the shower, and she even says, “You’re gonna be able to see my boobs!”

Dave should have said, “OK!”

They sleep together, but don’t “sleep” together. This was our one good chance at geniuine Survivor nookie. They were drunk, they were clean, and Dave couldn’t seal the deal. No wonder NASA’s in such chaos.

In the morning, Anal shows up to tell them what we already knew. After Dave says, “Jenna was fantastic to sleep next to.” And Jenna says, “It was so good,” — she meant the food, though. Anal gives them the big news.

In the last Survivor the old people “drafted” the teams. You just knew that they got the young’uns together to “draft” new ones.

And they did.

Dave gets to go first and they have to alternate men and women.

The Survivor: Amazon draft went this way.

DAVE
1. (woman) Heidi (He apologized to Jenna first. See, if I were him, I’d have tried to draft Jenna just to screw things up.)
2. (man) Butch (Butch? Oh for chrissakes)
3. (woman) Quisty (Quisty? Is he blind? He’s more handicapped than she is.)
4. (man) Roger (Only Dave would pick him.)
5. Jeanne (last woman left)

JENNA
1. (man) Alex (She’s got the hots for him.)
2. (woman) Deena (I thought she was supposed to pick a woman?)
3. (man) Rob (Denying Rob his chance to tribe with Heidi)
4. (woman) Shawna (man, she really hates Jeanne, huh?)
5. (man) Matthew (last man left)

Jenna did a good job…Dave did horribly. Why draft both old guys? Why Quisty? Moron.

They have to head back to their tribes and tell everybody the news.

Back at SausageFest Rob is being funny again. “Dave’s off at the Amazon Bed and Breakfast eating Melba toast and Belgian waffles.”

Then, the prodigal Rocket Scientist returns. He explains there are new tribes and that Roger and Butch are staying.

Dave says, “I was completely true to us and kept us together.” Oh, except for you three. Buh-bye!

Rob is pissed. “I was very mad when I found my fate was in Dave’s hands.”

Over at Vagina Monologues, Quisty yelled, “Wha’s Cinduhwella?”

Jenna showed up and broke the news that Heidi, Quisty and Jeanne were off to SausageFest. She went to Heidi and started crying and told her she “tried to keep us all together.” If she’d kept her yapper shut, Dave wouldn’t have picked Heidi first.

Jeanne was happy she was leaving. She knew she was next in line to be booted.

Quisty tells everybody she’s deaf and Roger looks like he swallowed a bug. Though he says, “I’m very surprised. It’s amazing. I’d have never guessed.” It’s not like she’s got three eyes, Roger, deafness isn’t that apparent, you jerkoff.

Alex is very excited to see the girls in his new tribe.

Deena is mortified. “It’s amazing to see what a little testosterone can do for some people. Shawna’s improved 180 degrees.” Huh? Can you improve in a rotational cycle? Oh, never mind.

Shawna is at her flirty best now that there are guys around. She really likes Alex, even with his stupid Band-aid stitched to his forehead. Maybe we’ll get some Survivor nookie after all.

Did it surprise anybody that even though Shawna has been depressed (and very Brynn-like) for three days that she took the time to braid her hair? Just wondering.

Rob is happy. “I’m going to wait before I proposition the girls. But if Jenna or Shawna should walk around camp naked, I promise I won’t for either one before the merger.”

At the former SausageFest, Quisty is fired up. “I like dat our twibe is making duh efford to make shuw dat I can “heah” dem. In dah Jahboohrooh twibe it wasn’t wike dat.”

Back at the former Vagina Monologues, Alex is cranking up the flirt. “See if you can guess who got the most votes when our old tribe voted for hottest babe on Survivor?”

Andy’s guess: Kim from Survivor:Africa?

Shawna doesn’t know. Alex tells her it was her.

She says, “I really like Alex. I really dig him.”

Dig? Did somebody just let Disco Stu into the building?

Deena is in trouble. “I got screwed. Shawna mgiht not be interested in the girl thing anymore (ewww). She might be more into the Alex thing.” Gee, ya think?

It’s time to go to the Immunity Challenge and Roger says, “We’ve got a good shot. We have three good women. I am very proud of Dave’s selections.” Whatever.

At the IC, the guys give the Immunity Calvin back, and Anal asks them what they think of the “draft.”

Heidi says, “I think it was needed.” Very deep.

Alex says, “Rob, Matt and I are psyched. We have a good tribe. We’re stoked!”

Psyched? Stoked? No wonder Shawna and Alex are in love.

The challenge is a scrambled word puzzle (seriously) and then a boat race. The former SausageFesters lose it when Quisty (mosqito) and Roger (jaguag) forget how to spell. Quisty you could forgive, but jaguag?

The Vaginaians win easily (despite CBS’s best editing efforts to make it look close) and they embrace the Immunity Calvin. This is great news for Shawna. She gets three more days to flirt with Alex and Rob and send Deena packing.

The SausageFesters have to vote somebody off.

Jeanne says, “We have no idea how to vote.” Sure you do. You just did it three nights before. You write the name on the piece of paper. Jeesh. How stupid.

Jeanne, Heidi and Quisty go off to strategize. Jeanne wants Dave to go. Heidi says, “We can’t vote him off. He saw something in all three of us.” Uh, Heidi. He saw your boobies. That’s what he saw. Man, is she dumb.

They decide to draw the shortest straw to determine if Butch or Roger goes. They draw and then forget which one is shorter. These people are just so stupid. It’s Butch.

Dave pulls Heidi aside and tells her, “I picked you to take to the merger with us.” He tries to convince us to vote with Roger and Butch and he and boot Jeanne.

Heidi tells the camera, “I had a strong alliance with the girls before (not with those girls though). I’m like between a rock and a hard stone. I’m incredibly uncomfortable.” Huh?

At Tribal Council, Jeanne says she’s excited about the tribe change. Heidi says she still adores Jenna. Quisty goes on a long, lisping monologue about how great the new guys are.

Anal asks them how they’ll decide who goes home. Quisty says, “We habn’t had time to mingle.” Mingle? “Awiances aw what I can depend on.”

Roger says he’s going to vote off the weakest.

Anal says to Heidi, “How are you going to decide.”
She says, “Uh…um…I’d say…yeah.”

Wow.

We watch them all vote. Remember in the good old days when you had to vote and then say why? What happened to that?

Anal counts out the votes and Jeanne gets four and Butch gets two. Heidi flipped.

The best part, Jeanne got four votes and four different spellings of her name.
Jeanne
Jean
Jeane (?)
Gene (???????) This was Heidi’s. How dumb is Heidi? Gene? Really? I know she teaches gym, but damn.

Jeanne does not sing in her “final words.” Whew.

—

I’ve been watching the Cubs and Sox while writing this. Bobby Hill had booted two easy grounders. Yikes.

Good news, Sox fans! Paul Konerko is limping! He was slow before, but wow. Why doesn’t anybody talk about this? Are we supposed to think it’s a coincidence that Konerko has a bad foot and Thomas is playing first a lot this spring? Muahahahahahaha!

Kordell Lupus has signed with the Bears! I’d like to thank the comedy Gods and our buddy Jerry Angelo. This promises to be the best year yet for cheapshots at the Bears.

Missy Isaacson says that Lupus has never really been the man, ever.

Don Pierson says that at least Kordell’s durable. He’s got a “great personality” and he’s “really fun,” too.

Rosey takes his hacks at Kordell and Andy MacPhail.

Rick Morrissey’s headline says it all.

Northwestern upset Minnesota last night. Hope you enjoyed it fellas.

Bill Self wants at least two wins this weekend. I say, “three or bust.”

If the Score is smart, they’ll dump the Blackhawks. But nobody ever said they were smart.

Phil Rogers wants to get a White Sox chubby…but frankly, what’s the point. This is an 85 win team, tops. I’m not kidding.

The Cubs roster is coming together, but it’s still ugly.

The mighty, fighting Huskies are still kicking in the MAC Tournament.

Is it a shock that rubes like Badger, Hawkeye and Gopher fans are Chicago-phobes?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to half-ass a Kordell Lupus column.

John Jackson says CBS is trying to figure out how to show all of the games next weekend if war starts in Iraq. Here’s a funny thought. Why not “not” cover the war for four days and let those who watch the war, watch CNN like they’re all going to do, anyway? Besides, I’ve got those days off, and I’m not pony-ing up 50 bucks to buy March Mega Madness or whatever the hell it is. So, if CBS shows the war, I’ll get to watch every game…for free! Muahahahahahaha!

Is it wrong that I don’t want “Regular” Joe Borowski on the Cubs? I see “one year wonder” written all over him. So long, Joe.

The Wizard of Roz wishes Kordell good luck.

David Aldridge gives MJ’s hiney a big smooch.

Ouch. That’s a quarter of a billion dollar neckache.

So long, Junior.

The world’s greatest newspaper with news that a woman in Wyoming says sex with Bigfoot isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.