Every time I see a game played at Coors Field I immediately think of the time Mel Rojas got lit up so completely that he actually burst into flames on the mound. First, the grounds crew tried to wrap him up in the tarp to put the flames out, but eventually they had to use that foam stuff from the fire department.

I’m not saying that The Farns was completely en fuego last night, but let’s just say smoke was coming off him, in a bad way.

He pitched to four hitters and gave up two homers. He also got the win. Nice work if you can get it.

In the process he allowed a runner he inherited from Kent Mercker to score, which pushed Mercker’s ERA back over 2.00, thereby elminating him from the list of worst players to ever post an ERA under 2.00. Only, Mercker did it last year, too. I’m not making this up.

The Cubs waited until the seventh inning to mount any semblance of real offense, but when they got to scoring, they did it in style. Four in the seventh, four in the eighth and a pair in the ninth. They needed them all, of course, because Coors Field isn’t located in Colorado, but rather on Jupiter where the gravity is so scarce that Eddy Curry is hoping to have his pre-training camp weigh in there.

So far the Nomar Era is four days and three games old. Let’s check the tote board!

Cubs record: 3-0
Nomar’s stats: 4-13 (.308), three RBI, one stolen base, one error
Articles written by Boston columnists fueled by their own bitterness about life and/or BS fed to them by kiss ass Red Sox employees: 1,234 and counting

Today there’s an article in the Boston Globe pondering when Nomar really got hurt.

Inevitably whenever a college football program fires a coach and hires a new one there’s a period of time where rumors fly about who they’re going to hire, and then coaches who probably haven’t even been considered for the job call press conferences to announce they’re staying in their current jobs (Gary Barnett was the king of this long before he developed lap dance amnesia), and by the time the college finally hires somebody, a reporter will ask the new guy, “Doesn’t it bother you that you weren’t their first choice?”

I’ve always thought this would be the perfect answer. I’d say, “Let me ask you this. If Cindy Crawford dumped her current husband so she could marry you, and somebody asked you, ‘Doesn’t it bother you that you weren’t her first husband?’ You’d probably say, ‘Who cares, I’m f@#$ing Cindy Crawford!'”

Every time I see that the Red Sox are taking another shot at Nomar, I just think to myself, “Who cares? We got Nomar!”

And yes, I realize that if you were Cindy Crawford’s actual first husband you’d have some explaining to do, like do you stick empty toilet paper rolls with a gerbil inside of them into your rectum, why did you adopt that horrendous accent in “The Jackal” and why didn’t you just shoot Lou Gossett, Jr, instead of doing all those push ups in the rain?

Steve Stone said it best last night when he marveled (and, really, isn’t it nice to marvel?) that the addition of one player has turned the Cubs lineup from a farce into a force? Certainly, the inspired play of one Donald Corey Patterson has certainly helped things. Corey’s taken to the leadoff spot with an excitement and a sense of purpose that we didn’t think possible from the young lad. It’s only three games, and it may be a harbinger of nothing, but Corey’s been on base nine times in 14 at bats (.667 OBP), and hitting .500 with three stolen bases.

The most interesting thing in today’s news is Seabiscuit’s Jockey’s report that the Cubs tried to get Stone and Chip Caray booted off the team flights. I can’t tell you how much I loved that. I have nothing to base this on (other than blind hope) but I don’t think it’s so much that the Cubs players don’t like Steve and Chip ripping on them during the broadcasts, but rather, I think the Cubs just find them obnoxious and creepy. All you need to know about flying with Chip is that he brings his guitar with him. How’d you like to get trapped on an airplane with the Kerrys (or Carays), John and Chip?

I can just imagine, guitar or no sitting on a plane next to Chip. In fact, I have an actual transcript of the time Jose Macias drew the short straw and had to sit by him when the Cubs flew back from San Diego in May.

Chip: Oh flight attendant, can you get me some of those honey roasted nuts?
Jose: Screw you Cheep, I’m no flight attendant, I’m the guy who got nine hits this weekend.
Chip: Sorry, Julio, I didn’t recognize you with that suit on.
Jose: Jose.
Chip: Sorry, I dont’ speak Spanish. Do you know if there’s a movie on this flight?
Jose: I hope so, I don’t want to have to listen to you breathe for four hours.
Chip: Actually because of the time difference we lose six hours. Isn’t that fascinating?
Jose: You know what’s fascinating? The average human has nine pints of blood in his body. If you don’t shut up, there’s gonna be nine pints soaking into your seat.
Chip: That’s great, Juan. Can you wave the stewardess over, I need to dispose of this Biore strip I just pulled off my nose. Gotta keep those pores open!
Stewardess: Sir, I can throw that away for you. Wow! Is it supposed to be this brown? I think you still have one on here (points between her eyebrows).
Chip: What?
Stewardess (realizing it’s just hair): Never mind.
Chip: Is there a movie on this flight?
Stewardess: Tonights’ feature is “Soul Plane.”
Jose: All right!
Chip: I’m not really into those negro comedies. Do you think you could show another movie? My personal favorite is “The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.”
Stewardess: I’m sorry sir. We don’t have that movie. It says here that you ordered the vegetarian-low carb-all soy meal?
Chip: Yes, I’m lactose intolerant, and have a horrible allergy to pork.
Jose (muttering to himself): That’s surprising, I’d think you’d have had plenty of sausage in your day.
Chip: About the movie, is there any profanity or sexual situations in the film?
Jose: Snoop Dogg’s in it, bitch. It’s all cussing and boobies. It’s a classic.
Chip: Snoopy is in it? I love that cartoon! I love how when adults talk it all “wah wah wah wah”.
Jose: Kind of like when you talk, you no talent assclown.
Chip: Oh, I’m afraid of clowns. I have been for years.
Jose: Listen up, Cheep. I’m not sitting here for the next four hours listening to you…be you. The only reason we didn’t lock you in the bathroom for the whole flight like we usually do is because we tied Wendell Kim up with clothesline and put him in there. But at this point, I think he could use some company!
Chip: Uh…I think I’ll try and take a nap.
Jose: Try hard, or else we’ll see if The Lawnmower can successfully stuff you in the overhead compartment this time. He came pretty close last time. He was afraid he’d snap your neck, though. I think he’s gotten over that fear.

The Cubs offense road in to the rescue just in time. If the season ended today the Cubs would be in LA to take on the Dodgers in the NLDS, and nobody would be ready…because it’s August.

The Jockey’s worried about Wood and Zambrano “missing starts” because of their suspensions. They take four games off between starts anyway. It’s no big deal, they just get an extra day. That’s what Glendon Rusch is for.

If the Sox close one eye and look through the telescope, they can still kind of see the Twins.

The Cubs are being urged to rebuild the bleachers…and the grandstand…and the clubhouses…and the bathrooms…

For chrissakes Jamal, just go away.

Dan McGrath with a Downey-like, rambling editorial.

Jonathan Quinn is…oh, who cares?

Reuben Brown won’t evaluate Lovie just yet. I forgot we signed Reuben. I did eat a Reuben last night…it was pretty good. Is he named after the sandwich?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to bring up some soft-tissue complaints about Lovie’s camp. Mariotti’s all soft tissue, so he’s an expert.

Mike Kiley thinks the Cubs are unstoppable! Whoo!

Todd Walker’s not a huge Boston fan anymore. That’s too bad, because “More than a Feeling” is a classic!

The Wizard of Roz really needs to stop running the “North v. South” e-mails. They’re not funny anymore. Just sad and pathetic. Much like the Sox! Hah! Oh, I snuck that one in there! Oh, I’m clever. Yes…I’m a dope.

Ric Bucher thinks the USA should have a year-round national team. Huh? Who’s gonna play on that? Besides, any team without Milt Palacio is pointless.

Sports Guy picks his Olympic hoops team and completely loses me when he adds Mr. Softy…Brad Miller. AND Fred Hoiberg? Maybe Cousin Sal wrote this?

Now the new spin in Boston is that prospect Hanley Ramirez is going to be the next Nomar. Sure. Just like Kevin Roberson was the new Andre Dawson.

The Angels signed the fossilized remains of Andres Galaragga. That sound you heard in Anaheim was scraping noise on the bottom of the barrell.

Arabs don’t like Charlie Daniels. Wow! What a shock! I thought most of Dubai came out and sang along to “The South’s Gonna Do It Again!”

Do we think Mary Kay is a little nutty? Just a little?

Another reason to go home and kiss your TiVo!

And, by the way, did you notice the cutting edge technology that the Big Ten will use for it’s instant replay?

Using TiVo’s slow-mo technology, the TA will break down the replays. The process will take less than a minute. Or so Big Ten officials hope. TiVo? Hell, they might as well let me monitor the game from home, I can call in when I see a bad call. I’ve got the same equipment!

America’s finest news source says Billy K. Duane is the life of the search party.