I dread losses like last night for two reasons. Number one, they royally suck. Number two, I end up cast in the Kevin Spacey role in The Negotiator the next day trying to talk this little corner of Cubdom in from off the ledge.

You know what? I’ll tell you when it’s time to panic. I’ll tell you when it’s acceptable to throw your hands in the air like Dez White and let reality slam into you like yet another dropped pass.

That time is now!

It’s over. The omens are all present. The cosmic tumblers have all moved into place. Matt Clement looks for a wussy way out of a pressure start and finds one. Calvin Murray gets an at bat in the pennant race. Mike Remlinger has Andy Pratt’s DNA coarsing through his veins. Even Chip Caray has us all convinced that the mighty Astros are going to blow by the Cubs and have the wild card wrapped up by next Thursday!

Chip of course ignores the fact that the Astros won 11 games in a row and are still trailing the Cubs. But I’m sure they can keep up that 1.000 winning percentage for the rest of the season.

The most frustrating part of last night’s game wasn’t Clement pulling an Al Czervik in the third inning, or Remlinger showing the accuracy of a syphillitic monkey at a dunk tank, it wasn’t even the fact that unofficially the Cubs stranded 37 runners yesterday. No, the most frustrating part of last night was watching every Cubs righthanded hitter make like Don Quioxte and stubbornly take on the windmill that was (ironically enough) the wind howling in from left field.

It’s true that the Cubs would have likely scored a dozen runs last night if the wind was either non-existent or blowing out. E-ramis would have hit two homers, Derrek Lee two, and Moises and Mike Barrett hit shots that had a chance. Nomar seemed like the only righthanded batter with a clue. How about a line drive?

Corey Patterson proved that the wind didn’t have much of an effect to right field. His first homer was so long that Chip forgot it even happened.

At times I feel like I might actually be imagining how irritating Chip is. Can somebody let me know if in fact he seemed to be openly rooting for Houston last night?

I have a theory (here we go…) that because Chip is so hated by the Cubs, that he doesn’t want them to succeed. It’s like this. Chip was no doubt picked on mercilessly in high school by the football team. I’m sure they pulled his underwear up to his neck on a daily basis and they probably shoved his pudding packs down his pants. In gym class, Chip used to hope he had lice so he’d be segregated from the rest of the students. Unfortunately, he grew in Missouri, and everybody has lice there.

So Chip developed a deep seeded hate for the football team. He didn’t actually go to the games, rather he played Dungeons and Dragons with the other social misfits, but he rooted against that football team. They were bullies and he wanted them to get their comeuppance. And, because he’s a prickly little twit I’m sure he used the word comeuppance.

I have a hunch the only thing missing this year is the Dungeons and Dragons. Clubhouse sources indicate that Kent Mercker and Moises Alou give Chip wedgies on regular intervals. The pilot of one of the charter planes the Cubs use claims that Chip never escapes a flight without a pantlode of pudding. And so, Chip’s hoping the Astros, with his beloved Beege can keep up their absurd (and temporary) hot streak. If not them, then the lovable Marlins with their huge fan base (who have actually known the Marlins were still in existance for nearly 340 days now) will do. If not the Marlins, then maybe those loveable, huggable Barry Bonds-led Giants! Chip just wants somebody to beat the Cubs.

Here’s the thing you have to take into account about this last month of the season. The Cubs will lose some games that just make you scratch your head and wonder how it’s possible. Losing to Sun-Woo Kim-Woo last night is one of them. It’s hard to lose a game in which the other team gives you three runs. But then again, it’s not so hard when you give them two right back.

This Cubs team has given us reason to think the end is here a few times this year. It goes all the way back to blowing that six run lead in St. Louis in early June. They were never going to recover from the Bruce Froemming game against San Diego, or the Farns’ implosion against the Dodgers and the Astros. It’s true that eventually they could reach a tipping point where the hellacious ways they can find to lose games will finally do them in. But that’s still a ways off.

All the Astros are doing this year is what the White Sox did last year. They’re turning it on in a disappointing season just in time to get their fans pumped up, only to pull the rug out from under them because there’s no way they can sustain it. It’s true that they’ve won 19 of 22, and it’s true that all three of those losses came to the Cubs. But it’s their death rattle. It’s the prolonged moment of clarity before it all ends. Trust me on this. When have I led you astray?

The Marlins are a concern and you just know that in the end it’s going to come down to them and the Cubs…again. I’d rather take them on this year without Derrek Lee and Pudge Rodriguez, though.

But that’s just me.

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ESPN has some new SportsNation thing they’re touting today. All it is a chat room. Oooh! How exciting. Besides, they’re in denial. Look at this drawing of Stu Scott:

That looks like two functioning eyes to me. We know those don’t exist.

Honestly, I don’t care if Matt Clement is hurt. Does that make me a bad person? Do I care? He’s pitched like crap for a month now, and he’s just the kind of guy to come up with a reason for it.

Bud says that if you’re hosting a game, you’re the home team. Sounds good to be, Bud.

Regular Joe won’t be back this year. That’s surprising, I thought he was pitching in the seventh last night. What? That was Remlinger?

The Bears want to beat their mean, old, coach. We’re playing the Dolphins?

Don’t worry folks, Carl Ford is here! Whooo!

Pat Sajak’s kind of funny.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to tell us he’s against the Cubs putting up a sign on the bricks behind home plate. I’m sure he can tell us in the paper, on his unlistenable radio show and on his unwatchable TV show to pound this point home. Nobody knows a sell out, like a sell out.

Mike Kiley with some fascinating stuff about Regular Joe’s arm and Ben Grieve’s face. OK, it’s not so fascinating.

Mike Kiley says that if Carlos Zambrano wins a bunch more games he might win the Cy Young! Oh, that Mike Kiley, he’s way out on a limb, there.

Moron the two doubleheaders.

The Wizard of Roz on the new HBO Sports documentary and it sounds like Tommy Hutton thinks Chip Caray’s a douche, too.

Jayson Stark takes the Yankees side on their request for a forfeit from the Devil Rays.

Lamar Gordon is now a Dolphin. I thought he was a running back! Oh, I kill me. I’ll be here all night! How about another hand for my opening act… Alex Kaseberg!

Ray Allen wants a hundred million….dollars? For Ray Allen? Really? No thanks.

A British judge says that a 12 year old girl was asking for it.

America’s finest news source wonders what we’re making small talk about: