You didn’t think it could happen. You didn’t think I could blame a 6-0 loss on Paul Bako. Well, guess what? I’ll find a way. It might take me until the end of this column, but I’ll come up with a way to pin this on Gabor Paul Bako II. It’s just the kind of guy I am.
And so, the Cubs go into their final off day of the season (thought at this rate, most of October seems like beach time for the Cubs) suffering from a serious case of Scott Downs’ Syndrome.
Five hits in nine innings off salad tossing lefty Scott Downs? This is a true story. In the fourth inning, I hit the mute button on the TV. I just couldn’t take Chip anymore. So I just sat there watching the game in silence. It gave it kind of a surreal feeling. But here’s the worst part. Your brain fills in the commentary. Chip’s doddering, over-simplistic, narcissistic way of announcing a game has branded itself on my brain.
Why do things like this stick in there? You’d like to think that images of Halle Berry, nude, would stick in your mind. No, instead you get things like, “There’s a rocket shot to deep left field! Nomar is under it and there’s one out.” Honestly, it’s going to take years of deprogramming for me to stop cringing at the anticipation of a “little ground ball”, the “Battling Buccos”, tales of how supple Craig Biggio’s tushy is when he comes out of the shower.
This is hell. I know it. In a past life I was a Yankees fan. I got too smug, and when, like most Yankees fans, I was killed while performing autoerotic asphyxiation with a tranny hooker in a Brooklyn motel, Satan sentenced me to eternity as a Cubs fan…with the kicker that Chip Caray would narrate it for me.
Yesterday was not a good day. Not only did the Cubs lose and everybody else in the National League won. (How does that happen?) But we got another happy tale of Sammy Sosa’s exploits. At the beginning of Tuesday night’s game Fox Sports Net showed Sammy in the dugout. Apparently it was a still photo, because in the 11th when the Cubs could have used a pinch hitter, Sammy was back in the penthouse at Lake Point Tower trying to help his wife open the jumbo sized bottle of Advil again.
I don’t mind when you’ve got a bad back and you can’t play and you go home to rest in the comfort of a four million dollar “apartment”, but when you’re less than 24 hours away from being healthy enough to start a baseball game, you could hang around for three hours. It won’t kill you. Even if the trainers tell you you shouldn’t pinch hit, you could still be used as a decoy. You know go stand in the on deck circle and see if maybe Frank Robinson’s senility will kick in in time for him to pull the Expos round headed closer Chad Cordero and bring in the salad tossing lefty that the Cubs can actually hit?
Speaking of Chad Cordero…the Expos know he’s Calvin Schiraldi, right? I mean come on. The kid’s the spitting image. Bad body type, horrific hair cut, hat that’s four sizes too big. Schiraldi was a good rookie once, too…until he went insane in the 1986 World Series and started wetting himself on the mound. And I’ll give young Chad the same advice I once gave Calvin…your ears are not there to hold your hat up. If you hat is resting on your ears…your hat is too freakin’ big. You lummox.
Chad…this is your future…
As for how we can blame last night on Gabor…I’ve got it!
Take another look at the photo of Downs giving Brian Schneider a congratulatory reach around…
First of all, where is that right hand? Hmm? Secondly, lean in and take a good look at Downs.
It’s Gabor! OK, he looks like him. They both are in dire need of a haircut.
Mariotti put down the doughnut this morning to write a thoughtful hatchet piece on the Cubs. After last night, they deserve it. But Jay can never contain himself. Check out this passage.
“It’s safe to say Greg Maddux was disgusted when Baker removed him in the eighth inning. Whatever the proud future Hall of Famer mumbled to the perplexed manager, he did so while shaking his head and flashing an agitated look.”
Since Jay doesn’t actually watch the games, I’m surprised he even knew about this. One of his bathhouse friends must have clued him in. But you could see, plain as day when Dusty came out to get Maddux that Maddux said, “It’s my fault,” and pointed at his chest. He was referring to Gabor throwing a pitchout into center field to make it 4-0. It wasn’t Greg’s fault, though he did make a bad pitch to Gabor…but Gabor didn’t need to throw it at all, much less to Corey. Hey Jay, don’t let the facts get in the way of a non-story.
In that happy eighth inning, Derrek Lee had a Leon Durham moment at first base on a bases loaded grounder and after Mike Remlinger tried to prove to us that he actually saved the team some runs on Tuesday by walking in two runs, he left the field after a two run jack to the mighty Terrmel Sledge and a fan behind the Cubs dugout got on regional TV yelling “You suck!” at Remlinger. Nobody disagreed…not even Remlinger.
And so, the Cubs are now completely out of contention in the Wild Card. The season is over. Major League Baseball has taken the pulse of Cubs Nation and decided to start the playoffs tonight and just skip the last month. Who needs it?
There’s no way the Cubs could make up a half game deficit in four weeks. Because if you can’t beat Scott Downs and Sun Woo Kim Woo you don’t deserve to even be in the big leagues any more. It’s not like the Marlins or Astros or Giants ever lost to a lousy team. Nope.
—
It’s over. The Expos put a big nail in the Cubs coffin. Oh woe is us.
Dave van Dyck trots out the one-run game theory! Oh, we’ll never get sick of this. Of course, yesterday’s didn’t count because the Cubs lost by six. Further proof that the theory is just aces!
Matt Clement might miss his next start. Or, he could start then beg out once he gives up a run, again. He is, of course, the last Cubs pitcher to actually beat the Marlins.
That mighty Lions’ defense is ready for the Bears. Quick, name two Lions’ defensive players. I came up with Boss Bailey and he’s hurt, so that left me with Dre Bly and nothing.
David Huh on Tommie Harris.
Just how bad is it that Dusty actually outed Sammy by saying he was “available” on Tuesday? Just a hunch, Sammy might not want this on his resume.
Since the Cubs’ season is over and the Bears are going to be horrendous, it’s time for some Bulls’ fever! KC Johnson says that Michael Jordan likes Ben Gordon and had him over for dinner. Of course, MJ liked Jamal Crawford, too.
The Polish Rifle is in town…no, not Ron Jaworski…the other one.
Greg Couch wonders if Ty Willingham’s days in South Bend are numbered. The reason Bob Davie was fired because the program was crumbling…so you give the new guy two years and two games to fix it? Since when did Donald Sterling start running the Irish?
Dusty says the one-run game thing is bunk.
Oooh, Jeremy Roenik and Tony Amonte might be Blackhawks again! When the NHL resumes play…in 2145.
The Wizard of Roz says this year, NFL injury reports will be more accurate. He’s right. We’ve got the season’s first report out today.
BEARS — Linebacker Brian Urlacher (hamstring) probable
Quarterback Jonathan Quinn (phantom limb pain) questionable
Running back Anthony Thomas (bruised ego) probable
EAGLES — Running back Correll Buckhalter (knee) out
Wide receiver Terrell Ownes (complete douchebag) probable
That is informative!
ESPN.com is going to take us inside the Oklahoma football program this year. Wake me up when Jamelle Holloway and Barry Switzer come back. In their orange prison jump suits.
Kelley King is not Peter King’s daughter. You can tell because she once cut her leg and blood came out…not gravy.
By the way, doesn’t this photo of JoePa make it look like he’s trying to get people “Off the lawn! Get off the lawn!”
More hope for the Cubs cause.
Meet Buddy, the hero puppy!
Buddy committed manslaughter…in self defense.
America’s finest news source talks to men on the street about the Kobe Bryant case.
It’s not like the Cubs ever got hot when it mattered.
It’s not like the Marlins or Astros or Giants lost 6 of 9 and 5 of 6 at home.
It’s not like the Marlins or Astros or Giants lost two of three to the second worst team in the league.
It’s not like to get to 20-10 over their last 30 the Cubs have to go 18-8 over their last 26 with 9 of those games against the Marlins and Braves.
It’s not like the Cubs have given us any indication they can do that.
It’s not like the Devil Rays have a longer winning streak this seasn than the Cubs have.
Nope.
Did you know that the Cubs haven’t won a single game this season when the Chicagos score zero runs?
I read this yesterday from cubbiebluestew
Tonight the Expos are starting a guy with a 7.22 ERA. 7.22 is not an ERA, it’s a hat size. If the Cubs don’t win tonight with Maddux on the mound, it is time to panic.
Then i was like yeah whatever…there’s no way the cubs cant crucify this guy but then I thought there’s 3 things wrong with this.
1) He’s a soft tossing lefty and cubs hitters cant hit guys that only throw 82 MPH.
2) He’s an ex-cub who’s still pissed about being traded for a guy with 3 body parts still in tact.
3) He sucks…you draw your own conclusion.
Stat Boy, that seems to be happening with Ex-Laxish regularity. About once every 10 games or so, goose eggs appear. And it happens against the caca teams like Arizona and the merde teams like Montreal.
This is a helluva way to fake winning a pennant.
I don’t get tiresome when after every bad game, I say that every team has an occassional bad game, do I?
"The reason Bob Davie was fired because the program was crumbling…so you give the new guy two years and two games to fix it?"
I’m sure a lot of people out there are agreeing with this. But this could just as easily read:
"The reason Don Baylor was fired because the team was crumbling…so you give the new guy two years and two games to fix it?"
Listen, dude, every team has bad games. Seems like we’ve had more than our fair share of them. The thing is, though, man, we still are in position to get this thing.
We got Prior and Woody going tomorrow against the Fish.
Clement has an injury, so that’s good news. He’ll be back in an hour or two. A day tops.
Hollandsworth should be back in two weeks. Hollandsworth should be back in two weeks…is there an echo in here?
Anyway, the point is, dude-man, that we’re just fine, and everything is going according to plan. After I go sprinkle some stuff on the field tonight we’ll be back in business.
Just a couple of things to add to the stew.
Andy, if you have to resort to choking yourself in order to get off, you might want to give up sex altogether and start collecting Precious Moments. They are SO cute, they’re soothing.
And Dusty, I am pinning the last two on YOU, since it is your job to instruct your players to stop spitting into the wind, and your job to remove them if they persist.
Dusty, suck my dik.
#5, uh if you’re tired of it, stop reading it.
Only if you choke me sloth.
Sloth, is your dick so short you call it your dik?
And check this out. The Fish may get another 2 dates rained out. And on one of those two dates is a double header.
Then again, that DH is against the Expos and they suck. Right?
![]("http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/ftp/graphics/AT09/refresh/AL0904W5+GIF/091538W5.gif")
If the marlins die, they die.
I can’t stop, CT. It’s like watching a John Kerry speech. He’s got it all laid out for him yet he says things so insipid he might as well be a Cubs TV broadcaster.
Come on Franks, give me the go sign you old phuck! Ivan has game!
Well, I guess the name just says it all.
AC you have my permission to start to panic. On the other hand, I make the fearless prediction that the Cubs will not lose today.
Hey buddy, I need to get back to my Lake Shore pad early to catch the great fall lineup on the WB, Sammy doesn’t have the Tivo yet! Buddy.
That’s funny, Sammy. We are all watching the "great lineup" fall.
Hey it was no sweat, I filled in for Sammy that night.
No wonder Sammy’s struggling. Lugging that giant bottle of Advil around has to be killing his back.
Did somebody mention choking?
last time i choked some guy while i was pole axeing him, he shit on my dick.
so, kiddies, be careful out there.
Think the Marlins haven’t scouted the Cubs at all?
They’re starting me on Friday, and since you’ve never seen me pitch before…I fully anticipate throwing seven innings of four hit baseball.
Then I’ll have to avoid Chip Caray after the game.
http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports/baseball/cubs/cs-040909cubsmarlins,1,4286583.story?coll=cs-home-headlines
I about collapsed in a heap when I saw Maddux’s reaction when Baker came to take him out of last night’s game. It was like he wanted to puke, yet at the same time continue to be the professional he’s always been. I could literally feel the disappointment, frustration, and anger that he had to be feeling.
It’s kind of ironic that we’re back to where we were last October. Though the stakes aren’t as high as the NLCS, the Cubs have Prior and Wood lined up to pitch the two games that will likely decide the fate of the season. Even getting swept might not eliminate the Cubs, but it’s more a matter of principle.
Did I mention that I have flowing blond hair?
I once dated Khalil Greene.
That ChicagoSports.com piece on Logan Kensing might have been the gayest thing I’ve ever read. And this from a guy who made a joke about dying during an incident with a tranny hooker.
Guh.
Logan Kensing is his real name?
I mean, seriously, it is?
And Logan has "long blonde hair". Instead of booing, maybe the Wrigley faithful can start heckling the other team. This guy would be a good start.
KC leads Detroit 26-4 in the 9th. I’m not kidding.
Looks like the Mets might pull one out over the Marlins today.
Oh, I wish you wouldn’t have said that Dave B about the Mets winning.
I haven’t been saying anything, hoping not to jinx it.
I was the faux Andy in #5, but not #13. As I said before, I like the site a lot, but why can’t I voice a disagreement with Andy? I’ve gone along with the "it’s one game, everyone has a bad game" for a while, but you just can’t say that day after day. If you’re a long time Cubs fan, you had your expectations at an all-time high this year. At this point, I don’t know how you can say that this team hasn’t been a disappointment. For once, you can’t blame the Tribune for putting out starters like Kevin Foster, Frank Castillo and Jim Bullinger. There’s no Jeff Blauser or Scott Servais on this team. Hell, even our bullpen looked like it should have been pretty solid coming into the year (face it, you thought LaTroy was going to be a stud). It hasn’t happened the way we wanted, and while the playoffs remain a real possibility, a few more games like the last two and we’ll have pissed away a wild card that was ours for the taking.
Weird year. Cheering for both the Mets and the Cards to win games. Next, I’ll be rooting for my new Beemer to go off a cliff because it has my mother-in-law in it.
Cubs are back to +1 in the loss column. What sucks is that the Fish only used three of the bullpen pitchers, none of their good ones today.
Hey Chuck, we’re really impressed about your new BMW.
C’mon buddies, I love you all!
Kris Benson gets the win for the Mets.
Well, we know one guy in Florida who will be getting lucky tonight.
That was a joke #33. Ask the Sloth about my cars. Two 1999 Hondas, one of which is a minivan.
Been there, done him there.
Brian, I’ve got no problem with you disagreeing with Andy, I don’t necessarily agree with his current assesment of the team either. However, the post indicated that you were tired of reading his positive outlook on the Cubs. Well, I come to this site knowing I’m probably going to get the most positive spin on the Cubs possible, I go to Chuck’s site knowing I’m probably going to read something negative about Corey Patterson, and I go to Sloth’s site knowing I’m probably going to read a hilarious rant on whatever is pissing off Sloth that day. In other words: don’t go see a Tom Cruise movie, and then complain that Tom Cruise was too prominently featured in it.
Don’t forget the Cub Reporter. It’s good, but it’s been an off year for that site. They used to seem to have inside info on the team. But since Christian’s kid was born and his house burned down, the site has turned into more of an opinion blog than an informational-must-read blog.
Here’s my football picks for this week’s Big Ten and NFL games from IlliniBoard.com
Right, and I go to the Cub Reporter when I want to read Cub Haikus.
The Cubs will make the playoffs.
A couple of things, it’s not that hard to be the most "positive" Cubs writer, considering the alternatives. Anything short of sheer pandelirium is positive by comparison.
Secondly, when it’s really time to panic, I’ll panic like nobody’s business. I’ll make the "crash positions" scene in Airplane! look like a free love rally.
Thirdly, I don’t mind when people disagree with me. I tend to like it.
Fourthly, I’m always right, so that certainly helps.
I have to admit after last night’s loss I’m at a loss for words.
I did put in my last post that hopefully this loss will light a fire under this team and they’ll start playing for wins instead of giving them away.
This team is walking on thin ice this weekend with the Marlins. They come away with 3 wins against the Fish, they’ll be OK. That means wins out of Wood, Zambrano, and Rusch. You just have to think that Prior will again piss down his leg. He hasn’t really pitched well since his first start of the season.
Maybe these guys need to remember th NLCS last year how they gave it away to the Marlins. They got a second chance in a way to make amends.
Let’s see what they do and just possibly, hope will be restored yet again for us fans.
GO CUBS!
We got shut out by the woeful Mets. Our season is over, right?
I’m at a loss for words. Despite that, I am going to type dozens more words, each more pathetic than the last. I hate my life.
Good news so far from PNC Park. Pirates lead 1-0 in the 3rd, and Carlos Hernandez has thrown 48 pitches through 2 innings, which does not bode well for Houston’s bad bullpen in a double header.
Wait, if we get shut out by the woeful Pirates, isn’t our season over? Wild card contenders are falling all over the place! The NL just won’t send a wild card rep this year, I guess. Nobody will have met the unwritten "Don’t get ever get shut out by a bad team, late in the season" rule.
"I don’t mind when people disagree with me. I tend to like it."
Maybe. But you sure get prissy about it when you’re called to the mat to explain why your opinion is different.
One more (I can’t resist this one):
"I’m always right, so that certainly helps."
—–
"You know why the 2003 Cubs aren’t going to share the same fate as the 1984 Cubs? Because they’re better.
And they’re playing these final games at home.
And because we all lived through 1984 so that we’d never have to go through it again.
Here at Desipio we’re only absolutely sure of a few things. Actually we’re only sure of a couple things. But one of them is that tonight is going to be the best night Cubs fans have had in…well..ever."
My life has left me bitter and resentful of everyone I encounter.
My beemer rules!
It’s not like the Marlins or Astros are 0-2 so far today with a combined total of 1 run scored against the mighty Mets and Pirates.
The Cubs are FINISHED! Do you hear me? They. Are. Finished!
HOPE I SAY… HOPE!!!
What a dip. Anyone that drives a BMW car knows it’s called a "bimmer", not a "beemer", and anyone that doesn’t know the difference is an asswipe or a poser.
For the record, Beemers are BMW motorcycles.
Now drive on home in your Geo, Chuck, and be a good little boy.
Looks as if Houston will split the DH today, as they are leading 9-2 heading into the bottom of the ninth at PNC Park.
…that BC is now aspiring to be a poor man’s KD, instead of a poor man’s Andy.
I prefer KD.
Chuck, geez. What’s your problem? Calling out the host as "prissy" and sophomorically digging up a post from a year ago, even thoguh he was OBVIOUSLY kidding when he said he was never wrong–do you not know how to chill? If it makes you so miserable to be at this website, why don’t you hang out somewhere else?
In my local newspaper yesterday it said that the Cubs have Pinto (Larry Kroger) pitching in the second game on Friday. Now it is time to panic when ole Larry Kroger is going to the mound. Who will pitch tommorow? Flounder, Bluto, Boone, Otter, D-Day or Dean Wormer. Oh well…..Marlins….dead!!…McKeon…..dead!!…..Beckett….dead!!….Bartman….dead!!……Go Cubs….I feel good today boys!
Darryl, is that you, No. 59? Did you borrow my crackpipe again?
No Dwight I dissed the crackpipe. I smoke the bud with Prof. Jennings though.
Mike D:
If you want an answer to the question you posed (especially the "prissy" part), please contact me. My e-mail address is above. I’ll be happy to tell you.
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