Nothing says football like a toupee wearing, gap-toothed, fat, gay rocker lip synching on national TV, now does it?
While you were watching Elton John, Destiny’s Child, Toby Keith, Roxie Roker’s kid and Mary J. Blige suck their way through the Super Bowl Halftime Show Part II (without the nipple), I was watching “Joey” on NBC.
Joey was always my favorite friend, and since his new show features him, Drea DeMatteo’s breasts and…well, what else do you need…I’m hooked. I kept waiting for the rest of the friends, especially wet blanket Ross and aging-by-the-second Monica to show up and ruin it, but they never did.
I guess this is just the reality of how much sitcoms suck, that a mildy amusing “Joey” is a sure-fire keeper for NBC. Hey, they’ve done worse, remember what they did to “Coupling” last year?
I have a trusty “trite media concoctions you must follow when a big series is coming” booklet and it says that since the Cubs and Marlins are hooking up for four games this weekend, with the rest of the season on the line, that Desipio has to do the obligatory position-by-position match up. You know me better than that. I’m not going to stoop to something that cheesy just for an easy way to hack my way through another half-assed Daily Dose. Rest assured, I’d never lean on convention just to get through.
Never.
Pitching Matchups
Game One, 1:20 p.m., Friday (GameCast) Carl Pavano 16-5, 3.08 ERA v. Kerry Wood 7-6, 3.30 ERA
Pavano has been the Marlins’ best pitcher this year and his stats have actually improved since he dumped Alyssa Milano (must be the lack of leg wearying sex–remember when we warned you about Nomar…check his numbers since she’s been back in the States–I’m not saying, I’m just saying, isn’t there a soccer tournament in Bangladesh or someplace we can send her until November?). Wood looked great in his last outing, which was approximately 115 days ago, thanks to the hurricane.
The edge here goes to Pavano, not by much, but he gets it nonetheless. Marlins 1, Cubs 0
Game Two, thirty minutes after Game One, Friday (GameCast) Logan Kensing, 0-0, 0.00 ERA v. Mark Prior 4-4, 4.87 ERA
Logan Kensing? Didn’t he used to be a VJ? Kensing was 6-7 with a 2.95 ERA for the Jupiter Hammerheads of the Florida State League. You just know this is the kind of guy the Cubs won’t be able to hit. Vegas ought to go give odds on what inning Chip breaks out his first “Logan’s Run” reference. As for the artist formerly (and someday again) known as The Franchise, he’s due to finally put it all together. Will it be today? The odds are probably not in favor, but if you really think I’m giving the edge to Logan Kensing, you’ve been riding around in a car with Ricky Williams too long. Cubs 1, Marlins 1
Game Three, Saturday, 12:20 p.m., Dontrelle Willis 9-9, 3.97 ERA v. Carlos “The Lawnmower” Zambrano 13-8, 2.86 ERA
Remember when everybody thought the Cubs were daft to have traded away the great Eric Hinske? Hinske won the Rookie of the Year award three years ago with Toronto and despite the fact he won the award based on three hot months, everybody thought Jim Hendry and Andy MacPhail were nuts. Now, you never hear anything about it. Much like you don’t hear as much grousing about them losing Willis. Dontrelle’s still a good pitcher, and he’s a great hitter, hell he would have played right field on Monday and Tuesday with Sammy out. In a battle of two of the Cubs’ best minor league developees, Carlos wins this one in a landslide. He’s younger, even.
Cubs 2, Marlins 1
Game Four, Sunday, 1:20 p.m., AJ Burnett 6-6, 3.93 ERA v. Glendon Rusch 6-1, 3.63 ERA
By now the world knows that AJ has a pierced belly button. He’s also got like a million tatoos and he’s in the Tommy John scar club. Steve Stone has loved AJ from afar for four years now, so Kent Mercker might want to shy away from the TV this weekend. But here’s what you don’t know about Glendon Rusch. He has a mole on his right ribcage that’s shaped like Waylon Jennings! Anybody can pay money to have a hoop punched into their navel, but only God can make a mole look like an Outlaw Music legend. I like the Cubs’ lineup against AJ. Nomar, E-ramis, Moises and Corey should all match up well with him. I just can’t shake the feeling that Glendon’s deal with the devil will expire, shortly.
Cubs 2, Marlins 2
Postional Matchups
We always start at first base, but let’s go backwards around the field this time.
Right Field: Miguel Cabrera v. Sammy Sosa
Sammy’s had a bad year and he’s got a bad back and a bad hip. If he were a yellow lab you’d be weighing your options (surgery…watching him pee on the rug ever day…dirt nap). Oh, come on you big softies, you’d pay for the surgery. Don’t lie and say you wouldn’t. Especially you guys who try and act all tough and macho. You know who you are. You log off from here at night and drop the facade and end up watching those bootleg tapes of Rosie O’Donnell’s old daytime talk show. You can’t fool me.
Here’s the thing, Cabrera’s just insanely, talented. He’s like Albert Pujols, only he’s ten years younger.
Marlins 3, Cubs 2
Center Field: Juan Pierre v. Corey Patterson
tHom Brennaman beat it into our heads last year that when Pierre got on base the Marlins won, when he didn’t, they lost. It was actually kind of true. Given this matchup two months ago and Juan, who’s not getting invited to any Mensa meetings, would have won it. Not now. Corey’s playing better. He’s like Juan with some power. Plus, Corey knows what the stuff growing on the walls is.
Cubs 3, Marlins 3
Left Field: Juan Encarnacion v. Moises Alou
Moises and Elisabeth Shue are set to star in “Adventures in Baserunning” coming soon to a theater near you. But let’s remember what the deal with Encarnacion was. He was so lousy in the NLCS last year that he got benched in favor of a shifted around lineup that included Jeff Conine in it. No matter how many check swings, temper tantrums or Lonnie Smith-type jogs Moises suffers through, he’s still better.
Cubs 4, Marlins 3
Third Base: Mike Lowell v. E-ramis Ramirez
Last year E-ramis was supposedly the consolation prize the Cubs had to settle for when the Marlins decided to keep Lowell. This year…not so much. Lowell’s still a really good player (.292, 25, 78), but he’s no E-ramis (.316, 29, 90). Plus, E-ramis is younger, has one more testicle and his middle name is Nin. You can’t argue with any of that. (Lowell’s is Averett? Averett? Really.)
Cubs 5, Marlins 3
Shortstop: Alex Gonzalez v. Nomar Garciaparra
Do I even need to make an argument here? I didn’t think so. Oh, and if you read Mariotti’s dougnut dropping piece on Nomar and think he’s leaving after the season, get a grip. Nomar will sign for the most money and it’ll be with the Cubs. There are few things in life I’m certain of, and having Nomar around for at least four more years is one of them. Kick back. Enjoy. Life is good. And am I the only one who yells “Nomar!” at the TV when the cheesy Mia Hamm Gatorade commercial comes on? I know I’m not.
Cubs 6, Marlins 3
Second Base: Luis Castillo v. Todd Walker/Mark Grudzielanek
Castillo’s having a decent year but he only has 16 stolen bases (granted he’s 16-19 which is excellent). I really think that both Walker and Grudzielanek are better than Luis. I’d also like to see the Cubs at least go with a platoon at second, because Walker’s game is suffering on the bench. But Gruddy’s played rather well (despite what you might have read in some of the posts here). Gruddy hit .338 in August and is hitting .412 in September. So I’m going with Gruddy and Cubs here.
Cubs 7, Marlins 3
First Base: Jeff Conine/Damian Easley v. Derrek Lee
Jeff Conine seems like a nice guy, he used to be a pretty good player, and now he’s not bad, but he’s just kind of there. He’s the kind of guy the Cubs used to play at first all the time. He makes contact, has little power left and won’t kill you. Conine gets most of the run at first now, but Easley will make an appearance and he stinks.
Lee had the well documented bad start, but he’s been everything the Cubs thought he’d be this year. He’s got sinusitis right now, and a bum left wrist, but neither will plunge him past Conine.
Cubs 8, Marlins 3
Catcher: Paul LoDuca/Mike Redmond v. Michael Barrett/Gabor Bako
I listed both catchers because with the doubleheader today you know you’re going to see the backups in at least one game this weekend. LoDuca is one of my favorite non-Cubs and has been for a long time. He’s not a great catcher, but he hits for a good average and he just seems like a cool guy. He can play the outfield and first base in a pinch, too. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t play first in the game he doesn’t catch today. As good as he is, every year he suffers a horrible second half fade. It’s the real reason the Dodgers traded him. Why they traded Guillermo Mota is another factor. But the trade kind of revitalized LoDuca and he hit really well when he first came over. That has come to an end. He’s three for his last 23.
We keep waiting for Michael Barrett to hit the skids and he hasn’t done it yet. In fact, he hit .349 with a .525 slugging percentage in August.
As for Gabor versus Redmond or even their third stringer Matt Treanor, I’m going to admit it. Gabor’s no worse than either of them. Wow. I know. What an admission. You’re stunned.
Cubs 9, Marlins 3
Bench
Redmond, Treanor, Easley, Wil Cordero, Mike Mordecai, Chris Aguila, Lenny Harris v. Todd Walker, Gabor, Ben Grieve, Jason Dubois, Mike DiFelice, Tom Goodwin, Ramon Martinez, Neifi Perez, Calvin Murray, Jose Macias
Hah! They lose points for having Lenny F. Harris. The Cubs bench has certainly gotten more run during the season for two reasons, 1) Dusty plays them, 2) everybody’s been hurt. The loss of Todd Hollandsworth has likely cost the Cubs at least a handful of games and Grieve’s not a full replacement, but he should help. Provided he stay out of that pointy ivory. That Marlins bench is just horrendous, though, isn’t it? But that’s what you get with no payroll.
Cubs 10, Marlins 3
Middle relief
Nate Bump, Ben Howard, Billy Koch, Josias Manzanillo, Guillermo Mota, Matt Perisho, Rudy Seanez, Aaron Small, David Weathers v. The Ice Man, Ryan Dempster, Todd Wellemeyer, Mike Remlinger, Mike Wuertz, Kent Mercker, Sergio Mitre
Having to move Rusch to the rotation hurts the Cubs here, pretty badly, actually. Remlinger’s been hideous lately, Mercker’s always a threat to implode and Wuertz? You just know Mike Wuertz is going to be pitching some clutch innings down the stretch. Gulp.
Even thoug the Marlins have assbags like Weathers, Seanez and Manzanillo, Mota’s better than the Cubs bullpen by himself.
Cubs 10, Marlins 4
Closer
Armando Benitez v. LaTroy Hawkins
As a middle reliever the Hawk is one of the best, and he hasn’t been a disaster as a closer, but with his stuff, he should be more efficient. Benitez has made a season out of pitching against the Mets alone this year (13 innings, 12 K, 0 walks, 11 saves), and he’s been pretty good against everybody else. Just remember though, Armando’s never met a big moment he couldn’t blow. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice. But not nice enough.
Cubs 10, Marlins 5
Manager
Jack “Puddin’ Head” McKeon v. Dusty Baker
I don’t think Jack outmanaged Dusty in the playoffs last year, though one crucial decision made by McKeon and pitching coach Wayne Rosenthal that Dusty and Larry Rothschild wouldn’t do made all the difference, at least in game seven. The Marlins threw everybody into the bullpen for game seven. The Cubs wouldn’t use Clement or Zambrano. Given that Clement had a bad groin and that Zambrano got lit up in the playoffs you cut the Cubs some slack. But Brad Penny and Josh Beckett stuck the fork in the Cubs in that game. Well, and so did Dave Veres…but from the front, not the back. The cold, hard fact is that McKeon has won a pennant that should have been Dusty’s and a World Series.
Cubs 10, Marlins 6
So there you have it. The Cubs do have an edge, especially on offense. Let’s hope they play like it.
———–
If we told you in February that the Cubs would have a big series in September with Kerry and The Franchise pitching the first two games, you’d have been pretty fired up. Well, you should still be pretty fired up.
A “scout” told Dave van Dyck that being the home team is an advantage. Wow. There’s a stance.
The Marlins might be in town for a while. Wow, if Chicago baseball fans won’t go see the White Sox play the Indians, who the hell’s going to go see the Marlins play the Expos?
Logan Kensing’s going to try and not puke on the mound today. I think Mike Remlinger did that on Tuesday.
Yet another article on Dick Jauron. Come on, this guy wasn’t even interesting when he was here.
I like the Bears pretending that this George Halas statue wasn’t an afterthought. Sure, whatever.
Ed Sherman on Coach Ditka on TV. I hope he’s better this time. He was a disaster on the CBS pregame a few years back. Brian Baldinger, our old buddy, is doing the Bears game on Sunday. I’ll get the pen and paper ready.
Another former Bears coach is coaching for the Lions.
Moises hates the Cubs announcers, therefore I can not hate him.
You can’t blame last night on Peyton. Well, one thing you can. Was the I the only one in America who saw him move the running back from his right side to his left on that last play? You could see Willie McGinest overloading the left side of the line. But still, if The Edge doesn’t fumble twice, the Colts win.
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Moises needs to stop talking about this [stuff]. Just let it die instead of saying it’s dead, same as Zambrano should say nothing instead of "I’m not saying anything, I’ll tell you how I feel about the umps 10 years from now." This [stuff] doesn’t help anything.
And stop whining about how they aren’t whiners. Just worry about being winning whiners.
Were you the one that asked Joe Morgan this morning on his chat, how much does a hall of famer make? Joe replied, you get to be a celebrity, it doesn’t affect how much you get paid.
Morgan you lying bastard! Being kept out of the Hall of Fame has cost me millions! And it’s not my own fault, either. It’s a damn conspiracy.
Because when you think of the NFL, you think of me.
Something tells me that Sir Elton found his way into the locker rooms after the game.
It must be an awful lot. I got a check last year for $17,500 just for getting 50% of the votes.
It was great. I hate having to ask Margaret for golf money.
Anyone else besides me think that Sir Elton is nothing more than an entertainment whore? Anything that comes along, he’s down with it if someone’s cuttin’ the check
That ESPN movie looks like a real winner. The guy playing me looks more like Curly than Moe. The real conspiracy is the exhuming of Raymond Burr’s body to play Giamatti.
DH-
It’s not like he’s just talking about it. He’s being asked about it, and he’s responding. If he doesn’t respond, then the media will write up a piece calling him an asshole for not responding to their questions. Ask LaTroy.
Sloth –
Money is good, even stocky gay men realize it.
Hey, our bench is going to be really strong in the first game since Moises and Aramis aren’t starting.
Woohoo?!?!?!?
Charlie Hustle, you beat me to the line about the guy playing you looks more like Moe. The woman playing Marge Schott is a dead-ringer for Curly.
#9, Moises saying "it’s not an issue I’m concerned with right now" is responding.
Everything beyond that, all the "we’re not whiners" and "it’s YOUR GUYS’ fault" is, in fact, exactly "like he’s just talking about it."
100% with you on yelling "NOMAR" at the Gatorade commercial
I’m doing it so that’s no lack of new Cub stuff for the media and fans to b1tch about, even when we’re not playing that day.
I also yelled Nomar when I saw the commercial for the first time yesterday.
Hey, maybe the Cubs can forge documents proving that they don’t hate the media!
Why would Aramis and Moises sit the first game? Wouldn’t it make more sense for them to sit against the guy from A ball? Please tell me that DuBois is starting and not Tom Goodwin.
Dusty will say he’s sitting Moises and Aramis because it’s a double header and, in about 9 at-bats each against Pavano, Ramon and Goodwin have had better luck than Moises and Aramis. But that’s just dumb, even if they win the game, and those two contribute. The Cubs just had FIVE days off. They just had yesterday off. They took the goddam Expos series off. How many off days do these guys need? They’re going to get October off, if Dusty keeps benching his best players arbitrarily. Wait, no, not arbitrarily – against the best pitcher of a team the Cubs need to beat to make the playoffs.
This is an incredibly dumb decision on Baker’s part.
Hey, buddy, what time can I go home today?
Don’t worry buddy, I’ll be in the lineup for both games, unless of course traffic gets bad and I need to get home early. Also, after what happened to Ben Grieve, you can be I won’t be going anywhere near that ivory on the walls. Buddy.
Here’s your game 2 lineup, bitches!!
1- Tom Goodwin, CF
2- Jose Macias, RF
3- Todd Walker, 2B
4- Derrek Lee, 1B
5- Jason Dubois, LF
6- Ramon Martinez, 3B
7- Mike DiFelice, C
8- Neifi Perez, SS
Can you smell the excitement??!!!
If I get to leave the game early, I can drive 110mph down Lake Shore Drive in my Lamborghini, and get home in time to watch The Iron Chef on Food Network!! Those Iron Chefs make a mean eel stew, buddy.
Please tell me that’s not the real line up for game 2!!!
Cubs will sweep today.
Seriously.
Hey folks,
Now that you can remember the stellar job I did for you in the 2003 playoffs, you can at least take solace in the fact that the Cubs decided to pay a paperboy instead of me at the end of the year…
http://www.ctnow.com/news/local/hc-guthrie0910.artsep10,1,4611813.story?coll=hc-headlines-local
I would much rather the Cubs let this stuff die on the vine and not fan the flames. They have Remlinger to act as the gas can, so they really don’t need to do much and get the media riled up. A "no comment" from Alou would be much preferred than the diarrhea of the mouth he is currently suffering from. This helps the team how?
YOu guys watchin’ this pre-game? It explains my rationale. I benched my best two hitters in this monumental game because Sparky Anderson told me that one time, in the early 70s, he benched two of his best hitters in the first game of a double-header, and they came in late and WON the game!
I am not making this up. This is actually how I manage my baseball team.
It helps the team how? I dunno. How does it HURT the team? Annoying you is not the same as hurting the team. If Alou is saying the stuff he’s saying, he’s saying it because he’s thinking it. If he no commented, he’d still be thinking the stuff he’s saying, and it would still affect him in the same way. So…how does it hurt the team?
If Juan Pierre gets on base HE WILL STEAL BASES! Don’t let Juan Pierre get on base, is my advice to Kerry Wood.
God, I am a baseball GENIUS, aren’t I?
Your official game 1 starting lineup bitches!
1- Patterson, CF
2- Goodwin, LF
3- Nomar, SS
4- Lee, 1B
5- Sosa, RF
6- Walker, 2B
7- Barrett, C
8- Martinez, 3B
9- Wood, P
Goodwin’s 265 OBP in the 2 hole, I am a genius! I think I’ll keep my best hitter out of the game (A-Ram) against Florida’s best pitcher just as a bonus, let’s make these Cubs work for it buddy.
FIRE BAKER NOW
When’s the last time I played before this anyway? They ought to show my wife in the stands every time I’m at bat.
Re #30: No buddy, I say buddy, you say dude, buddy.
Hey, it worked didn’t!
If it worked then it will work now.
Oh, it’s 2004, not 1974… Crap!
I’m such a douche.
but WTF? Speed at the top isn’t as important as good hitters/OBA at the top. Egads!!
#28, media feuds hurt the team by acting as a distraction, not just for the players, but the opposition, coaches, and umpires who read about it all as well.
Your argument is flimsy, akin to a double negative. It doesn’t not hurt things if it isn’t not helping, doesn’t it?
Don’t watch Joey. Friends sucked. Joey sucks more.
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