Yesterday we left you with the comedic hilarity of our AFC Scouting Reports. The important thing to remember is that we actually spend a lot of time contacting scouts and breaking down film, and looking at the rosters and finding ways to make fun of guys’ names. We’re nutty that way.

But our scouts aren’t just going to show up for these two days and go away. No. In an effort to become your home for Bears football coverage, we’ve signed these bad boys up to preview every Bears game for us, too. But for right now, you’ll have to wait. Because they have the entire NFC to weigh in on, first.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys
I have a source that says that the photos Vinny Testaverde has of Parcells include the real reason he’s named the Tuna and one photo so graphic you’ll never look at those polyester coaching shorts the same way again. It’s no mystery why Vinny keeps getting jobs wherever Parcells goes…I look at their roster and I don’t think they have scouts, I think they have archaeologists on staff—Testaverde? Keyshawn? Eddie George? When you have to take a shovel on a scouting trip, you’re scouting the wrong guys…Julius Jones might be as good as his brother some day—and yes, that’s a rip…It’s pretty apparent that Parcells didn’t want Quincy Carter around and he needed a way to convince Jerry Jones to finally give up on his most horrific draft choice (and that list includes enough scenes to fill the Halloween series)—If Parcells had thought anything of Carter at all as a quarterback, there’s no way a failed drug test that wasn’t even going to result in a suspension would have cost him his job…Tony Romo makes great ribs, for that alone, that kid’s a keeper…Just once I want to call FTD and arrange it so that some poor delivery guy has to show up and say, “Flowers for Alshermond!”…Didn’t defensive end Eric Ogobu sing “On and On.” Wait, that was Erykah Badu…Never mind.

New York Giants
Just who in the Giants front office said, “You know what we need? We need a coach who’s a total redass. We need one who our players will want to kill by week three? We need Tom Coughlin!”…I wouldn’t hire Coughlin to manage a Batteries, Etc…Ron Dayne lost 20 pounds. I didn’t know the football weighed that much…They have a guy named Willie Ponder. Will he ponder what? Add a u to that last name and it sounds like a Cinemax late night movie star…Hey remember Jeremy Shockey? Whatever happened to him? I guess getting his ass kicked and missing more than half his career games has finally shut him up…Eli Manning is already a better quarterback than Kurt Warner. If I’d made that statement two years ago, it’d be a great sign for Eli’s future. Now? It’s not such a big deal…In fact, I talked to a guy who said that there’s a stockboy at the Des Moines IGA who throws a tighter spiral than Warner…The best part of Warner losing his starting job sometime early this year is it’ll mean the end of those Brenda Warner “scary hairdo” reaction shots on Fox…I don’t mean to rag on Warner. He was a great story and for three years he was a great player. Now he’s just a scruffy guy who lost his in-laws in a tornado…William Peterson plays defensive back for them. How does he have time to solve crimes in Las Vegas and play DB in NY?…I’m not making this up, they have a guy named Wesley Mallard who played at Oregon. How perfect was that? It’s like having a guy named Wesley Shaved playing at Oregon State.

Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles have been to three straight NFC title games and they traded for Terrell Owens and signed Jevon Kearse to help them get over the hump. If that hump is made out of leg x-rays and homophobia, they’ve got their guys…Owens might be the most unlikable guy in the NFL. Actually with Bill Romanowski retired, it’s not even close…Donovan McNabb’s hair is reaching Chia stage…I cannot help it. Every time I see Andy Reid looking at his laminated play sheet during the game, it looks like he’s holding a Steak n’ Shake menu…David Akers looks like a normal guy, until about December when he grows the wispy beard and porn mustache–then he looks like he spent the fall chained to Jeff Kent’s headboard…Will Dhani Jones wear the bow tie under his uniform or over it? If you are one of the 282 million Americans who don’t get the NFL Network, you didn’t get that—at all…Has Boz Skaggs ever written a song about Lito Sheppard?…Sam Rayburn plays tackle for them? Isn’t he like 112 years old? Does LBJ play for them, too?…They brought Hugh Douglas back—on purpose? Don’t they remember they let him go because he was a pain in the ass and he couldn’t play any more? I know he’s still a pain in the ass…and I know he can’t play anymore…still.

Washington Redskins
I thought it was really cool when Joe Gibbs came back to coach the Redskins. Then again, I think it’d be a good idea if Chicago brought Peter Cetera back…I’m not sold on Mark Brunell, I still think Billy Joe Hobert is going to be the best QB off that Rose Bowl Washington Huskies team…Clinton Portis is a stud, and I know a lot of guys are worried that the Redskins’ line isn’t good enough to help him match his production in Denver—then again, a lot of guys are worried that Brittany Murphy really does have the clap, too…Brian Kozlowski is in his 11th season out of Connecticut and to that I say, “Who is Brian Kozlowski?”…Are we allowed to say “Lavar Arrington” this year, or can he still sue us?…I thought he was the breakout star on “Dream Job” by the way. Nobody knows more about what it takes to be a SportsCenter anchor than a 260 pound linebacker who spend the entire show trying to figure out the quietest way to kill Kit Hoover…Greg Blache is their defensive coordinator? On purpose? You’re kidding, right? Did they not get the memo that he’s completely insane?…Phil Daniels has been brought in because they were think at “defensive end who can’t get within eight yards of the quarterback.”…Here’s an easy way for a quarterback to figure out how to attack the ‘Skins defense. Before the snap, find Shawn Springs, then find Fred Smoot, then throw at whoever’s closest to Walt Harris.

NFC North

Chicago Bears
Lovie Smith was great on Gilligan’s Island. I always wonder why Thurston and her packed so much for a three hour boat tour, though?…Is Jonathan Quinn lefthanded? No? Then why was he throwing that way at practice yesterday?…Between Thomas Jones and Anthony Thomas they have a backfield that can completely confuse the always confusable Jeff Joniak…Good news for Bears fans, the Bears have a play this year that calls for two of the offensive linemen to break formation, run up into the stands, through the stands, up into the pressbox and throw Hub Arkush to his death. They call it “The Mercker.”…Is Tank Johnson going to have both names on his jersey all season long? I hope this doesn’t catch on. How the hell is Cincinnati’s equipment guy supposed to fit Touraj Houshmandzadeh on a jersey?…I liked the trade of Marty Booker for Adawale Ogunleye. It’s always good to find somebody dumb enough to trade an elite pass rusher for a slightly-above-average wide receiver. I’m surprised every team doesn’t try and trade with Dave Wannstedt…Have you ever seen offensive coordinator Terry Shea after a game? If there’s a flop sweat gene he and Joe Borowski have it…Is it a bad sign that in four years I saw almost 30 Michigan games and I never saw Alain Kashama once?…Brian Urlacher played what, six seconds in the preseason? I suppose he’s ready. I asked him about his night with Paris Hilton. He said it doesn’t count as sex when the other person puts a mirror over your face…Honestly, will anybody ever throw a pass to Charles Tillman’s side of the field this year? If you could pick between Tillman and RW or Nate Vasher, who are you going at?…I’m old enough to remember when Brad Maynard didn’t suck…They’re going back to the blue pants on the road. That way they’ll look prettier when they skulk off the field after losses.

Detroit Lions
Let’s put it this way, they have everything in order on offense with Roy Williams, Charles Rodgers and Kevin Jones, and so all it will mean is they’ll prove without a doubt that Joey Harrington isn’t good…Steve Mariucci is a great coach, but his most drastic move so far was to get the Lions to add black to their color scheme so he wouldn’t have to wear Honolulu Blue from head to toe…Remember when Marty Mohrninweg coached these guys? I haven’t had that many laughs since Love Boat got cancelled…Don’t look now but their backup quarterbacks include Rick Mirer…They have three guys on defense with apostraphes in their first names (Dre’ Bly, Donte’ Curry and Andre’ Goodman) in case you’re wondering what the apostraphe is indicative of, in this case it just means they left the “can’t tackle” out of their names…My wife and I once got arrested in Pennsylvania for dancing the Kalimba Edwards…They have lost 24 games in a row on the road. The only group worse than them on the road were the Backstreet Boys…Brock Marion made the team. He’s the only player in the league old enough to have roomed with Frank Gifford.

Green Bay Packers
You just know that if Mike Sherman is standing in line at an Applebee’s that every other customer accidentally walks up to him and tells them how many are in their party and what their smoking preference is…The Packers have two punters on their roster. Is their offense going to be so bad that they’re worried one of them will get tired?…The next time an announcer goes into his “look how much fun Brett Favre has playing the game” routine, we should be allowed to set that announcer on fire…Isn’t fullback Nick Luchey married to Jessica Simpson?
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I read where Peter King said that fullback Najeh Davenport is a “load”, he’s also a “big number two” and if you don’t believe me, just ask the Miami coed who found him crapping in her closet…Remember how everybody was so excited about how great their defensive coordinator, Ed Donatell, was the last few years? Gee, it only took one fourth-and-26 in Philadelphia to get his ass fired…Whatever you do, don’t try and say Cletidus Hunt three times fast in mixed company–trust me on that one…The NFL has decreed that only one Packer can do the Lambeau Leap after a touchdown. If your Packer fans friends are confused, just remind them that one is also the number of “teeth” they have…Tim Couch couldn’t get a job as Brett Favre’s backup? The same Brett Favre who hasn’t missed a game since Carter was president? Wow, how bad to have to be to not be able to get a job where you won’t even have to play?

Minnesota Vikings
Mike Tice might not be the worst coach in the NFL, but he certainly is the dumbest…Daunte Culpepper is freakishly huge. He was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade last year and his job was to wrestle any wayward balloon characters to the ground…You know you had a bad year when another team gives a guy who made a play to beat you the key to the city…Who’d be tougher to wrestle to the ground, Moe Williams or Mo Gaffney?…I think I gave my cousin and his bride a Jim Klinesasser for their wedding…Marcus Robinson signed with them and they have one play for him. He runs into the end zone and Culpepper throws it as high as possible and Marcus tries to catch it and not rupture every disc in his back—again…Boy, that D’Wayne Bates sure starred for them, didn’t he?…I think Chris Hovan could use a Prozac…I like Kenechi Udezi, but it always tastes better when they make it right in front of you on the big hibachi…Morten Anderson is in his 23rd year out of Michigan State—he was at MSU 23 years ago? Did he room with Jeff Smoker?…If Raonall Smith can’t spell his own name, how the hell am I supposed to learn how to do it?

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons
They did a lot of good things with Matt Schaub at quarterback in the preseason, and that’s good because—oh, who are we kidding, if Michael Vick goes down again, they’re screwed–again…How did Jim Mora, Jr. get to be such a hot coaching prospect? I would think based on his father’s success you’d just as soon have Abe Gibron, Jr…Ty Detmer is their third string quarterback. He’s a great guy to have if you need somebody who has proven he can throw six interceptions in one game…I thought an Alge Crumpler was a thing you used to scrape barnacles off a boat?…Dez White really improves their depth at “speedy guy who can’t catch.”…Let’s just say that if Warrick Dunn is weighing in at 180 he’s not on the scale alone…They have a guy named Etric Pruitt. It’s like his mom was naming him and said, “That name just needs a t in it—somewhere!”…Remember former Bears draft pick Karon Riley? He’s on the Falcons. I thought he was in the witness protection program. Rumor has it he was the only other witness to whatever John Shoop saw Dick Jauron do that gave him a lifetime job…They’ve installed the West Coast offense because, you know, it just suits Michael Vick’s talents so well….Huh?…Jay Feely is their kicker, he’s not to be confused with AJ Feeley who is the backup QB in Miami. Also not to be confused are their respective girlfriends.
This is the kicker’s girlfriend:

This is the QB’s girlfriend:

Carolina Panthers
This is the year we find out if Jake Delhomme is really almost as good as he was in the Super Bowl (and whole playoffs, really) or if he’s destined for the Mark Rypien Hall of Fame…If you want to get to the Super Bowl and lose it painfully, apparently, you just sign Ricky Proehl…I’m not sure if I like having a cornerback named Gamble…Though if your last name is Gamble and you are a pro athlete, it should be a law that you have to wear your hair like this:
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He Hate Me is on the roster again, you have to admire a guy who is tangibly famous for having a self-imposed, grammatically flawed nickname…I’m also not sure I’d like to pay an offensive guard who’s nickname is The Breeze. The thing that amazed me about their defense last year was how much their defensive line could just manhandle people. I haven’t seen men slapped around like that since Siegfried and Roy’s final performance…Julius Peppers is a freak on defense, OK he’s not The Freak, but only because I don’t want to send the royalty to Jevon Kearse…OK, I’ll say it, Brad Hoover sucks…Mark Fields is back from cancer and that will improve their linebackers—when you’re relying on the foot speed of Dan Morgan, you’ve got a problem…I like Ricky Manning, Jr. and I don’t think I have to tell you about the great Ricky Manning, Sr.—by the way, who is Ricky Manning, Sr.?

New Orleans
If Jim Haslett owned and managed a parking garage, it would not be an “EZ-IN, EZ-OUT” garage. In fact, I’d bet you could park a car in there and never find it again. If you gave this team to a coach with even an average grasp on how to coach in the NFL they could win 10 games with their eyes closed. Sometimes it looks like that’s exactly what Haslett is trying to do…I like Aaron Brooks…then again, I’m the guy who was pretty sure that Dustin Diamond would be the breakout star of the ’90s…He broke out alright…Boo Williams dreads Halloween…If you ever get a chance to buy fresh Colby Buckwoldt when you are in Wisconsin, don’t deny yourself…Buckwoldt is a rookie out of BYU so he’s 38 years old…Be careful how you refer to Fakhir Brown’s mother—I found out the hard way…If you don’t think that anybody would name their kid Montgomery Montgomery, you’ve come to the wrong place…Deuce McAllister is a great running back, and if they didn’t look smart for drafting him even though they had Ricky Williams before, they look like friggin’ geniuses, now…I’d really like to see a defensive back tackle Joe Horn for a loss and then run the sidelines and get on the cell phone…I’d also like to see somebody shove that little umbrella Tom Benson dances with up his—oh, never mind.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Normally, I’ll root for any team who has a lineman named Booger, but I just can’t find a way to like this team…Jon Gruden’s a good coach, but the more he gets his hands on the roster the uglier it looks…I don’t blame him for dumping Keyshawn last year, in fact, I’m impressed he had the balls to do that and it made Keyshawn out to be the phony jackass we always knew he was, but the stubborn refusal to either sign or trade Keenan McCardell hurts the Bucs more than Keenan…They’ll miss Warren Sapp like Carnie Wilson misses her fourth and fifth folds…They say Brian Griese is their second string quarterback, but unless the NFL adds a “competitive drink and fall down” portion to the ways you can score in a football game, I think Chris Simms is the guy they have to go to when Brad Johnson gets hurt…Notice, I said when…Last year they weren’t much different than the Panthers talent wise—but this year the gap is growing and not in Tampa’s favor…I think a clue that your recieiving corps is bad is when Bill Schroeder makes your team…Michael Pittman’s not good enough to keep around if you have to bail him out of jail more than once…Tim Brown’s been in the league 17 years—he’s been around so long the Bears were actually good when he broke in.

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks
How did they go from one loss away from costing Mike Holmgren his job last year to everybody’s Super Bowl favorite in the NFC?…Matt Hasselbeck looks good as long as he keeps his helmet on—man, I’ve seen more hair on a kiwi…I’m a big Shaun Alexander fan. If only because when he got drafted it meant that Ricky Watters was going to go away…Bobby Taylor was a nice pickup for them—this is 1997, right?…Darrell Jackson had about a five game stretch last year where he could not catch the football—I’m not expert but for a wide receiver, that’s kind of an important skill…Every year Walter Jones skips training camp, every year Walter Jones starts on opening day and every year, Walter Jones is good. Kind of tells you that training camp is a little too long…They are moving Michael Boulware from his pass rushing linebacker position in college to strong safety–that’s like having your left fielder move to catcher…Remember when Chad Brown was a great player and he was going to revolutionize the Seahawks defense? Well, it’s six years later and they finally have a good defense and he’s not good any more. This is why it’s so hard to build a football team. You can only afford one or two starts in any offseason and if you don’t surround them with enough talent, you don’t win squat. Let’s see Brian Cashman build a Super Bowl winner…I like to say Itula Mili–in fact, I’m saying it right now…Seneca Wallace? Really? Steve Schnur’s not available? Chris Finlen?

Arizona Cardinals
I admire the Cardinals, because with the way the NFL is structured, it’s almost impossible to be bad for a prolonged period of time. There’s a salary cap that costs good teams players every year, you don’t have to hang on to bad contracts for long periods of time and the revenue sharing is so complete that every team makes a profit every year. But the Cardinals have found new and more interesting ways every year to stay bad. Hanging onto Dave McGuiness was a good way to do just that, so they did–and even they had limits…I like Denny Green, I just don’t want him screwing up my football team…They blame the lack of attendance on the metal bleachers at Sun Devil Stadium and the 100 degree gametime temperatures that make the bleachers almost 200 degrees. I think those bleachers wouldn’t get so hot if they actually had asses on them, and the only way to do that is to actually field a good football team…They’re going into a season with Josh McCown as their quarterback? Really? On purpose? Did they sleep through the draft?…Actually they got a great player in round one, with Larry Fitzgerald. Then they must have gone home…It’s so cute that Emmitt Smith thinks he can still play…They have Troy Hambrick and Emmitt on the same team. Because you remember how well that served those Cowboys teams those two were on…See, I knew they had a magic formula for losing games: their kicker is Neil Rackers…Here’s a tip that your defense sucks. You draft a slow, undersized end like Kyle Vanden Bosch, when he’s your best lineman, your defense sucks. It’s so scientific…Take a look at their roster, and pay particular attention to number 92. They have him listed as Berry Bertrand. That’s Bertrand Berry. They’re paying him $10 million this year. They don’t even know what his name is.

St. Louis Rams
It’s not that Mike Martz is a mad scientist, it’s just that he’s weird. That’s why he pulls all that crazy assed stuff that gets them beat…If I had Mark Bulger as my best quarterback—I’d be looking for a real quarterback. There’s a reason he wasn’t that great at West Virginia–he’s not that great…Marshall Faulk is still good, but for those of you who bitch that he’s not great anymore, it’s because he’s getting old. It happens to everybody…I think Orlando Pace and Walter Jones go on a vacation every August to Lake Havasu with Cedric Ceballos…Defensively they lost their coordinator (Lovie Smith) and their best defensive end (Grand Wistrom to Seattle) and their other end got another DUI (Leonard Little). And Martz doesn’t care because it just means his offense gets the ball more because the other team will score quickly…Chris Chandler’s a handy guy to have around if you need a veteran presence, or a concussion…Jeff Smoker is on the team, well at least Little will have somebody to go to AA with…They got Stephen Jackson late in the first round and it was a good pick up for them because he could be a very good player, however, they needed defense something awful, but ignored it, for the sixth straight year…Isaac Bruce can still run and Tory Holt is tremendous, but they haven’t had a decent third receiver since they let Proehl go. Why did they ever do that in the first place?…Pisa Tinosamoa leans a lot.

San Francisco 49ers
Dennis Erickson could lose his next 134 straight games and it wouldn’t be enough for that douchebag. If there’s a more reprehensible human in the world, I’ve yet to meet him…What the hell are they doing? If you were going to rebuild, why would you axe Mariucci for the most impatient coach in the universe?…I know the salary cap had a lot to do with them losing Terrell Owens and Jeff Garcia for basically nothing, but isn’t that Terry Donahue’s fault? Why does he still have a job? He’s the Mitch Kupchak of NFL GMs…I like Kevan Barlow, but then again, I was the guy who thought Eagle Eye Cherry was going to be the next Ray Charles…Tim Rattay and Kent Dorsey? What, Akili Smith and Gino Torretta weren’t available?…By the way, this has nothing to do with the current Niners, but it pisses me off that every time anybody talks about Joe Montana they talk about how he didn’t have a good arm. He had a very good arm. It wasn’t John Elway or Dan Marino but it was well above average and he could throw the ball wherever he wanted. If he needed to throw a 20 yard out, he did it. If he needed to go 50 yards downfield he could. But he could also thread the needle on a five yard slant like nobody’s business. Watch a replay of “The Catch” sometime. He throws that ball 30 yards, on a line off his back foot and puts it in a perfect spot on the back endline. So screw you if you don’t think he had a good arm. And screw the Niners, I hope they go 0-16.