In case you missed them, our crack team of scouts broke down every team in the NFL over the past two days. The AFC reports went up on Thursday and the NFC ones went up today. Now in our debut feature, those same scouts go in-depth and give you a preview for Sunday’s Bears-Lions game that you won’t see anywhere else.

If you are wondering about the qualifications of our scouts, they all have at least one of the following attributes. They either:
a) played college or pro football
b) drink enough to blind a monkey
c) once had a homoerotic interlude with James Manness
d) have the NFL Sunday Ticket package on DirecTV

Hey, you can’t get more qualified than that.

Detroit Lions (0-0) at Chicago Bears (0-0), noon, Fox, Sunday, September 12

Overview
This is a matchup of the NFC North’s worst two teams in 2003 and not only were they the two of the worst in the NFC North, but in all of football! The Bears ditched their entire coaching staff after the season, and the Lions inexplicably picked up two members of that staff, and made one of them the defensive coordinator.

In 2003, the Lions were plagued by a poor offense and a sieve-like defense. They are banking on the weenie arm of Joey Harrington (who is also hampered with a cloying, Eddie Haskell like personality that makes his teammates want to drown him in the whirlpool) to turn them around. This is like the US Government hoping that a new Taco Bell in Daytona Beach will turn around the current economy.

The Bears offense struggled to do much more than find a place to punt in 2003. Gone is the weasel-like intensity of John Shoop and his three downs and a cloud of dust offense. In is Terry Shea, a manic, sweating, offensive genius. Of course, Steve Spurrier was an offensive genius and all that got him was a slightly damp golf visor. Defensively, the Bears have a new coordinator who sees actual value in having his players at least rub the opposing team’s quarterback from time to time.

Detroit Lions Offense
The Lions skill position depth chart includes:
Quarterback: Joey Harrington, Mike McMahon, Rick Mirer
Harrington lacks arm strength, but is mobile. That’s like having a Yugo that can go from zero to 20 in two seconds and zero to 60 in nine minutes. McMahon shaves all of the hair off his body except his eyebrows and the hair on his head. That’s just troubling. Plus, when he gets in the game he plays like he’s trying to win it for both teams at the same time. Mirer didn’t invent the deer-in-the-headlights look, but he did perfect it.

Running back: Kevin Jones, Shawn Bryson, Atrose Pinner, Paul Smith, Cory Schlesinger
Jones is a rookie out of Virginia Tech where his main job was to take a pitch and run really fast before anybody could touch him. On the plus side, Ahman Green had the same role at Nebraska, on the minus side, Rashaan Salaam did at Colorado. Paul Smith is in his fifth year in the league and nobody has ever seen him play. That’s some kind of record. Bryson, a sixth year man out of Tennessee is in the league because one of the Lions’ scouts has him confused with Jamal Lewis. For Shawn’s sake let’s hope the FBI doesn’t. Atrose Pinner is a capable return man, in much the same way as the guy with the accent on “Yes, Dear” is capable of starring in a TV show. Cory Schelsinger’s entire reason for living is to block Brian Urlacher and make Mike North happy.

Wide receiver: Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, Az Hakim, Eddie Drummond, Tai Streets
Rogers had a great career at Michigan State and had his rookie season cut short by an injury. He’s tall, he’s skinny and he’s fast. Then again, so is Tyson Chandler, and he’s not going to the Pro Bowl, either. Roy Williams would have been the top pick in the 2003 draft but stayed at Texas because losing to Oklahoma is just too much fun to pass up. Az Hakim managed to fumble more times last year than he had catches. That’s an all-time record for any level of football. Eddie Drummond’s dad once adopted two black kids, Arnold and Willis Jackson. Tai Streets has compromising photos of Steve Mariucci and Steve Young and a dacshund.

Tight Ends: Stephen Alexander, Casey Fitzsimmons, John Owens
Alexander had some nice years with the Redskins, but so did Jay Schroeder and nobody’s giving him a job. Fitzsimmons went to Carroll College (the one in Iowa? No s@#$?) so going from there to the NFL is like losing your virginity to Alison Hanigan and then having your second sexual experience with Carmen Electra. He’s in over his head. Literally. John Owens sat the bench for four years at Notre Dame and is good at it, so he’s doing it in Detroit now.

Chicago Bears Offense
Quarterbacks: Rex Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel
Grossman has the makings of a good NFL QB. He’s got a rifle arm, he’s a tough guy, he’s smart and doggone it, his teammates like him. If he gets injured the Bears are planning on cancelling their season. Quinn is a career backup and has a bad right arm. Since he’s righthanded, that’s a bad thing. Krenzel should not be allowed on the field for any reason, other than to hand Grossman a GatorAde and a towel.

Running backs: Thomas Jones, Anthony Thomas, Adrian Peterson, Bryan Johnson, Jason McKie
Jones is fast and likes to leave the ball on the turf for both teams to play with! He looked very good in the preseason, but that’s like not embarassing yourself in a community college version of “Our Town” and then showing up on a Spielberg set and thinking you’ve got everything figured out. The A-Train missed all of the preseason games with a torn ab muscle and is hoping to get traded. That’s always a good sign. Peterson has his own national TV commercial…huh? Johnson will get four carries this year, let’s hope they don’t spoil him with one early. McKie is there go in when Johnson concusses himself.

Wide receivers: Justin Gage, Bobby Wade, David Terrell, Daryl Jones, Bernard Berrian
Gage could be the breakout player in this group, provided that the opposition never figures out that he’s not very fast. Wade would be great if he were four inches taller. Terrell needs to step up and be the team’s best receiver. He’s got the ability, but he’s also insane. Daryl Jones played at Miami and nobody’s ever heard of him. Berrian is fast and has suspect hands, and that’s why he’s got Dez White’s jersey. Wow, what a group!

Tight ends: Desmond Clark, Dustin Lyman, John Gilmore
Why a team that never uses more than one tight end at a time needs three is beyond me. Clark has star potential, but he’s in his sixth year and you’d think his star would have already shown itself. Lyman has made a career out of almost, being able to someday be good. I think it’s time he tried to almost get a job. John Gilmore played well in two games two years ago and he’s still employed. Why can’t we get jobs like that?

Detroit Lions Defense
The Lions tried to beef up their defense through the draft and took linebackers Teddy Lehman (Oklahoma) and Alex Lewis (Wisconsin). Lehman’s a step slow nad Lewis weighs a whopping 225 pounds. I’d say it’s time to send Matt Millen to bed without supper. Last year they had one of the worst pass defenses in the NFL, something the Bears were not equipped to attack. This year the Bears will be willing to attack it, but perhaps not able. Up front the Lions have Shaun Rogers and the decaying corpse of Dan Wilkinson to anchor their line. You’d like to think the Bears could attack this and establish their rushing attack early. You’d also like to think that Donald Trump could afford a decent haircut, but that’s not happening, either.

Chicago Bears Defense
Everything is new under new coordinator Ron Rivera. The Bears will actually rush the quarterback this year with an intent to tackle him while he still has the football. The addition of Adawale Ogunleye and rookie defensive tackles Tommie Harris and Tank Johnson means the days of watching Bryan Robinson and Phil Daniels stand up and get stuck in the mud are over. However, playing two rookies at tackle is not conducive to winning football, right away. Alex Brown and soon-to-be draft bust Michael Haynes will share the other defensive end slot, away from Ogunleye. I mean share in the way that Heart sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson shared a dozen doughnuts. Nancy ate 12 and Ann watched. The Bears have a good pair of safties in Mike Brown and Bobby Gray, but for some reason find ways to get Mike Green on the field. Mike Green is like a beacon to opposing offenses in the way that the Statue of Liberty is a beacon to immigants, “Bring me your tired, your poor, your 27 yard pass play…” Charles Tillman is a Pro Bowl quality corner back while RW McQuarters once met professional bowler Pete Weber.

Detroit Special Teams
Kicker Jason Hanson is epecially tough indoors, and last we looked the roof over Soldier Field has not yet been completed…or started…or planned for. Punter Nick Harris once ate an entire DiGiorno pizza by himself.

Chicago Special Teams
Paul Edinger is a crazy, muttering, field goal making machine. His IQ ranks somewhere between badger and coffee table, but all he has to know is to “kick ball between poles”. Brad Maynard makes too damn much money and doesn’t punt the ball far enough for my tastes. He shares a chiropractor with Pat Summerall. Hopefully not at the same time.

Coaching
Steve Mariucci is one of the best coaches in the NFL. He’s smart, enthusiastic and a good motivator. He also would like to put Joey Harrington on bus headed for Niagra Falls. Not the Niagra Falls area…the actual falls. You wonder about his sanity, in hiring Dick Jauron to run his defense, considering that Jauron’s defenses in Jacksonville (where he worked under everybody’s pal Tom Coughlin) got worse ever year.

Lovie Smith is in his first real game as the Bears’ head coach. What do we know about him? He’s got a weird name, and it’s his real name, not a nickname. He has a strange accent. He’s got an actual personality and hired assistant coaches who have pulses. His offensive plans might be overly ambitious given his current personnel, but his defense would have had a chance to be excellent before injuries cost his stud linebacker, Brian Urlacher all of training camp and his second best corner back Jerry Azumah at least ten games. Still, the defense showed a knack for getting turnovers at the very least.

Outlook
The Lions are in the unique position of being bad and overrated at the same time. They have lost 24 straight road games, and last we checked, Chicago isn’t Detroit—thank God. The Bears have question marks bigger than the one on Frank Gorshen’s Riddler costume, but we expect the Bears to run the Lions’ string to 25.