Week one went well for the Bears…up until they decided to kick a field goal. The resulting play was just like the Stanford-Cal band play, except without the band, or Stanford, or Cal, and it wasn’t a kickoff, and nobody was distracted by the glare off of John Elway’s teeth. Other than that, it was just like it.

This week, the Bears head north of the border, and through customs, into Green Bay. If you haven’t been to Green Bay, you are really missing out. Here’s a handy list of things that you will see that will remind you, that you are in Green Bay.

– If you see six girls, you’ll also see approximately 47 teeth?
– Most menus include something called ‘cheese covered fromage on a stick.’ Do they know that cheese is fromage?
– An ad for the new “Mark Chmura Hot Tubs and Spas Superstore”
– New Zubaz. Honestly, they still make it just for Packers fans.

Let’s get on with the scouting report.

Chicago Bears (0-1) at Green Bay Packers (1-0), noon, Fox, Sunday, September 19

Overview
Green Bay won in impressive fashion over the defending NFC champions, the Carolina Panthers. Because you know, the team that loses the Super Bowl is usually so good the next year. Just ask the Raiders…and…Giants…and Falcons. Green Bay has won the last seven games against the Bears, including the first game in new Soldier Field last year and a game in Champaign two years ago in which the Bears dressed like enormous bruises. Perhaps that was fitting? The Bears have not won a game at Soldier Field against the Packers in a decade…so it’s probably a good thing that the game’s in Lambeau.

You’ll remember that the Bears should have won the game in Lambeau last year until Kordell Stewart hit Mike McKenzie with a perfectly timed out route for a touchdown. The problem, of course, is that Mike McKenzie played for the Packers.

The 2002 game in Lambeau could have been a Bears’ route, that was until Roosevelt Williams turned on the jets on what could have been a 80 yard fumble recovery for a touchdown to end the game, only to see Javon Walker tackle him short of the goalline as time expired. Instead of leading 21-6 at the half, the Bears led by just eight and were behind 16-14 by the time the third quarter ended. That play is also remembered for the way that RW McQuarters ran behind Williams and refused to block Walker, a move that would have assured the slow moving Williams an easy TD. Guh.

So can the Bears reverse the hideous trend that has taken control of this “rivalry?”

Green Bay Packers Offense
The Packers skill position depth chart includes:
Quarterback: Brett Farvuhruh, Doug Pederson, Craig Nall
Farvuhruh is a force in the NFL. Packers fans will not admit that he is not nearly as good as he was in his prime and he is more susceptible than ever to throwing bad, senseless interceptions. He doesn’t run much anymore (perhaps as a result of not being able to get prescription strength pain pills any more) and is not particularly mobile. He still has a great arm, and the offense is designed to allow him extra time through the use of play action passes. He enjoys beating the Bears, and is astonishingly efficient at it. Pederson looks a lot better with a clipboard than a football. He plays sparingly, and not well when given a chance to play. He did beat out one of Heather Kozar’s ex-boyfriends, Tim Couch, in a surprise during training camp. Third stringer Craig Nall is just around to help the Pack meet their quota.

Runningback: Ahman Green, William Henderson, Tony Fisher, Najeh Davenpoop
Green missed most of the preseason with a knee injury, but showed few ill effects of it in the Carolina victory. The Bears have had little luck in slowing him down the past five meetings, and while Green is prone to fumbles, the brilliant Greg Blache didn’t care if he team forced turnovers. Greg might also be accused of not caring if his team gave up 40 points in a game, either. Henderson normally catches at least two huge passes to save drives against the Bears. Against the rest of the league Henderson is a mildly athletic, straight ahead blocker who rarely touches the ball. Against the Bears he turns into Earl Campbell. Fisher was a disappointment at Notre Dame, but like former college teammate David Givens has excelled in a defined role in the NFL. Fisher got extensive playing time in the Rosey Williams game and his strong performance was critical in the Packers win. Davenport is still best known for crapping in a closet.

Wide receiver: Javon Walker, Robert Ferguson, Donald Driver, Antonio Chapman
The Packers wide receivers are not an exceptional group. In fact, none of them is as talented as Bears wideout David Terrell. However, none of them are completely insane either. Walker is the fastes of the bunch, but he has suspect hands and is injury prone. Ferguson looks good in the uniform. Driver is the toughest and most reliable receiver the Packers have, but serious leg injuries the last two years have slowed him. Chapman is a strong proponent of changing his car’s oil every 3,000 miles.

Tight ends: Bubba Franks, David Martin, Sean McHugh
Bubba Franks has suspect hands, but seems to score a touchdown in every game against Chicago. He was the beginning of the annoying procession of overhyped Miami tight ends to reach the NFL. The Packers have a play in which Franks takes a lateral and throws a pass, and he has a surprisingly accurate arm. I’m not making that up. Martin is not the receiving threat that Franks is, which is surprising, considering that Bubba has bad hands. McHugh once killed a mouse with a baseball bat.

Chicago Bears Offense
Quarterbacks: Rex Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel
Grossman had an uneven first start in 2004. He played well in stretches and showed an ability to avoid the rush and make plays. He made a pair of critical, game-ending errors on the final drive of the game for the Bears; one that had shown so much promise. He’ll make mistakes, especially given that this is only his fifth NFL start, but Grossman’s a talent. For once, the Bears got it right. Quinn won’t say if his right arm is still hurting, so it probably is. Krenzel thinks it’s funny to doodle punnent squares on his play chart during games. “Hey look, here’s how you can get a spotted horse!”

Running backs: Thomas Jones, Anthony Thomas, Adrian Peterson, Bryan Johnson, Jason McKie
Jones also had an up and down debut in 2004. He is an elusive runner with surprising power, but he is not comfortable making his own hole when the blocking breaks down. In space he’s tough, when crowded he’s about as productive as you’d be in the NFL. Thomas played on very few downs and Peterson was inactive against Detroit. Johnson is almost exclusively a blocking fullback and if McKie lines up in the backfield, you’re going to miss Rabih Abdullah. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, there.

Wide receivers: Justin Gage, Bobby Wade, David Terrell, Daryl Jones, Bernard Berrian
Terrell had a terrific game against Detroit, even when you consider that at times he seemed to be having some sort of palsy attack. His dancing is much in line with what Jerry Seinfeld once observed Elaine Benes doing and described as, “A dry heave set to music.” It needs to stop. Gage dropped a couple of catchable passes and Wade and Berrian looked they were auditioning for the back of a milk carton. Jones could be seen being pumelled on punt returns.

Tight ends: Desmond Clark, Dustin Lyman, John Gilmore
Clark was part of a key sequence that killed the Bears against the Lions. After the field goal block that ended up being an 85 yard touchdown, Clark caught a first down pass from Grossman, made a great move and then fumbled…to the Lions. Lyman still can’t catch and Gilmore spent most of the game waving the Chris Zorich Memorial Towel.

Green Bay Packers Defense
All Bears’ fans heard from football nitwits like Hub Arkush was what a great defense Packers defensive coordinator Ed Donatell ran. Well, the Packers thought so much of Donatell that they fired him in favor of former Dave Wannstedt lackey Bob Slowik. Green Bay is likely to be without the services of corner back and rosterfarian (get it roster-farian, wink wink, nudge nudge) Mike McKenzie who finally ended his holdout on Tuesday. The other rosterfarian, Al Harris, is a far inferior player to McKenzie, but he also has long dreads and that’s likely to confuse the Bears into submission. The Packers are also without 900 pound tackle Grady Jackson who at an entire bull moose last week. The Bears should be able to run the ball on the Packers. Then again, NBC should be able to find four crappy sitcoms and they can’t do that, so who knows?

Chicago Bears Defense
The Bears defense allowed only one drive of any note against Detroit. Unfortunately, it was the game losing touchdown drive. Brian Urlacher looked surprisingly good for a guy who practiced three times this summer and fall. New defensive end Adawale Ogunleye looked good in his debut, as did rookie tackle Tommie Harris. RW McQuarters looked like he always does. Bad. If the object of playing defensive back was to push guys out of bounds after 24 yard gains, RW would have a guaranteed bust in Canton. Instead, he’s just a guaranteed bust. The Bears have tried in the past to blitz Farvuhruh with mixed results. He will throw a couple of picks early, but if you continue to blitz him from the same spots, eventually he’ll hit a big play and kill you. This is because in the past the Bears played more predictable defense than a nine year old with an Xbox. That promises to change this year.

Green Bay Special Teams
Green Bay did not have a field goal blocked and returned 85 yards for a TD last week. They do, however, have two punters. The Bears might not even have one.

Chicago Special Teams
Brad Maynard has an injured hamstring and punted poorly (though his average was saved by two short punts that took “good Bears bounces.” Mr. Ed may have to handle both kicking duties this weekend. At this rate, it wouldn’t hurt.

Coaching
Mike Sherman was wearing a bowling shirt on Monday night. A bowling shirt! He remains the Bears best shot at beating the Packers. Perpetually confused, Sherman normally makes at least one critical mistake per game. The Bears haven’t stayed close enough to take advantage in recent years.

Lovie Smith’s squad played with a tangible amount of hustle and passion. They also committed several horrendous personal fouls, which contributed directly to their demise. If Smith can get them to play with that kind of passion every week, the Bears will improve. If the stupid penalties continue…let’s just say the Bears will be picking in the first hour of the 2005 NFL Draft.

Outlook
The Bears killed any sense of momentum that their inspired effort against Detroit would have given them by somehow losing the game. They have the advantage of Green Bay not being as good as they were last year, and having to play on Monday night, but unfortunately, that probably won’t be enough.

But screw it. I’m not picking the Packers.