Hello again, gang, it’s your old friend Karry Ling. Andy stirred me from my coma this morning and I got to chip in with the Dose again. Always a good time. But a lot has happened in sports since we last talked, so I thought I’d take a moment to catch up.

As you know, I’m a bit of a Dixie Chicks expert. And I want to clarify two things. 1) The fat one is still cute as hell. 2) I had no idea she was French.

Have you seen this show, “Married by America” on Fox? It’s a show where two people are chosen by TV viewers who voted using the telephone. Take it from somebody who’s been married 14 times–this is a hell of a lot better way to pick a bride than drinking tequila and playing “eenie-meenie-miney-moe”. I’m just kidding. I never picked a wife that way. I just wish I’d stopped on Miney.

Am I the only one who thinks French president Jacques Chirac looks like Maurice Chevalier? Of course, Maurice has been dead for about thirty years now. Ick.

I’ve gotta tell you gang, if you haven’t had McDonald’s new “double” fish sandwich, you haven’t lived. I could litterally drink the tartar sauce. Good stuff.

I’ve got some spring training thoughts, and I thought I’d share them with you.

– That Barry Bonds kid can hit.
– I’m not really into fantasy baseball that much, but even I know that if you need an ace to build your staff around you need to know these two words, “Steve Trachsel.”
– I feel really bad for the family of the chubby Orioles pitcher who died of heat exhaustion. Tragic. What are the odds that a baseball player could die from over-exercise? You’re probably more likely to die of excitement at a curling exhibition.
– My dog has developed an allergy to Chip Caray’s voice. We’ve renamed her Dumptruck. Every time she hears Chip talk she drops a load in the living room.
– Unfortunately, I now have that same allergy.
– The Cubs haven’t had a good third baseman since Ron Santo in the late ’60s. Why don’t they just move Sammy Sosa to third base?
– I am a huge fan of preventative health care. That’s why I’m so glad that White Sox GM Kenny Williams made that trade for Bartolo Colonoscopy. You know what they say, gang–four minutes of discomfort for a lifetime of health.
– If I had a time machine I think the first thing I would do is use it so that Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown could shake hands with Antonio “Six Finger” Alfonseca. Great stuff.
– Because you asked, the three major league players I’d most like to kiss on the mouth are (in no real order) Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter and Mike Fetters.

– I really think that Chris Woodard of Toronto might be the Blue Jays’ best shortstop since Danny Ainge.
– When it comes to great BYU baseball players, once the argument becomes Vance Law v. Garth Iorg—you’d better duck, because things can get ugly. My money’s on Vance, though.

The Chicago Bears signed Kordell Stewart to be their quarterback for the next two seasons. I’m excited, really. In fact, I’m already signed up for season tickets at the new, and improved Soldier Field. Now I’m hoping that the NFL adopts the Arena Football League rule where if you catch an errant pass in the stands you get to keep the ball. If that happens, Kordell will quickly become a fan favorite.

Andy has been comparing Kordell to Timmy Lupus of the Bad News Bears movie trilogy. I have to say that Kordell reminds me more of Rudy Stein.

I had Mexican food for lunch, gang and I’m announcing that I’ve just raised my continence alert level to orange.

Speaking of spicy foods, how about the recent play of Bulls’ second-year pivot man Eddy Curry?

We have a little tradition in the Ling household for the NCAA Tournament. We have a little drinking game we play. It’s called “The Ling Family NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament Field of 65 Drinking Game Game”. A few of the rules.

-Any time a team scores, drink once.
-Any time a player makes his shoes squeak, drink once.
-Every time Mike Kryzewski looks like he’s smelling something bad, finish your drink.
-Every time Billy Packer says something pompous, finish your drink.
-Every time Bill Raftery screams, “Send it in big fella!” Switch drinks with your neighbor.
-Every time Bonnie Bernstein appears on the screen, drink until she stops talking.

As you might imagine, we’re all pretty much s@#$ faced before the eight minute TV time out in the first half.

Well, I’ve got to go get ready for the weekend!
Until next time, America.