I remember a quote from a college student in a 1991 Newsweek issue. They asked him what he was going to do that night and he said, “Pop some popcorn, and watch the war.”

I was in high school then, freaked out that if the war dragged on that I’d get drafted and I’d be out there in the sand with a gun and would most likely trip over something and shoot myself in the groin. Thankfully, the war lasted 94 days (ninety of which were us dropping bombs the size of Volkswagens, and four were the Iraqui soldiers trying to surrender to ABC News.)

This year, the war is expected to be shorter than the Roots mini-series. And it all starts tonight at 7 p.m. Just how “American” of us is it to set a deadline that fits right in with prime time TV.

Anyway, NCAA President Myles Brand had a press conference yesterday in which he said he would not allow “a tyrant” to interrupt our daily lives. But enough about Bobby Knight. (Rimshot please!)

The NCAA has announced that fans will be searched before they can enter any of the arenas.

“Items that will be prohibited include large bags, backpacks and large purses; firearms, explosives and other weapons; cans and coolers; artificial noisemakers; large signs, flags, sticks, poles, banners and laser pointers; video cameras on game days; and food or beverages.”

Frankly, I think it’s about time we ban firearms and explosives from college basketball games, huh?

Is it quite possible that Interim Baseball Commissioner for Life Alan “Bud” Selig is the dumbest man in the world? I’d say it’s quite possible. On Monday, baseball picked a dandy time to announce plans to explore holding regular season games in FRANCE next year! Just when everybody’s giddy about our relationship with the French. Sacre bleu, Bud!

Then, yesterday, the commissioner’s office waited until the Seattle Mariners were scheduled to get on their plane to Tokyo for the season opening games next week in Japan, before saying, “Uh, maybe we won’t send you.”

ESPN had Tim Kurkijan hanging out with the guys waiting to hear if they had to go or not. Does Bud not have cable? Did somebody walk in yesterday afternoon and say, “You know, there might be a war that starts on Wednesday night. Maybe we ought to rethink sending about $200 million worth of baseball players abroad right now?”

The A’s and Mariners are not going to Japan. But couldn’t that decision have been made—oh, I don’t know—12 hours earlier?

Anyway, with the major networks about to use the excuse of “broadcasting in the best interests of the public” which is part of their FCC regulations, “reality” TV is about to go away for a while.

That doesn’t mean we didn’t take a moment to watch Real World: Vegas last night.

Basically, here’s what happened. Alton and Irulan pledged their never-ending love for each other. They also made never-ending love in the confessional, after which Alton reminded Irulan to “take the tape out of the camera.” AFTER WHICH?

Trishelle told Steven she loves him. Frank and Steven went on a date with two of the bartenders from the Vegas Coyote Ugly. Frank actually made out with a hot chick. Who knew?

Steven and Frank brought the girls back to the casa du skank. Why? Because they’re morons. Steven’s date wanted his johnson in the worst way, but Trishelle kept hovering. Frank made out with Sarah (he had forgotten her name earlier–priceless) and Trishelle demanded he stop. Trishelle? Shut up.

Steven’s date called Trishelle a co@# blocker and forced Sarah to leave with her. Poor Frank.

Trishelle acted like Steven wouldn’t have had sex with the Coyote Ugly girl. Yeah, Trishelle. You know him so well.

Alton and Frank and Steven went to Rain while Irulan and Arissa were working. A hot blonde chick who Alton clearly did not remember came up and mocked him for never calling her. She told him she’d give him her number again. He said “ok”, though he claims he was just being polite.

Alton then asked Irulan if he could borrow her pen so he could get another woman’s number. Even for Alton, that was dumb.

Irulan got mad. Then got over it.

Trishelle vowed to meet a new man.

On the scenes for next week, we find out that Arissa’s never-ending-relationship with Dario might be over (thought probably not) because he knocked up another woman. Trishelle “surprise!” hooks up with a guy in a bar.

It’s almost over. Really.

CNNSI.com is now just si.com, but to me that doesn’t look right. I don’t see that as S-I dot com, I see it as the Spanish word for yes–“si” dot com. So, from now on we’ll be referring to it as Spanishyes.com. I’m sure they’ll love that.

Speaking (sort of) of CNN. They have Daryn Kagan in Kuwait City. I think we can all agree on this “nothing had better happen to Daryn Kagan” over there, or there’ll be hell to pay. You hear me Saddam!

At least we know that Campbell Brown is safe (relatively speaking) at the White House

And that Paula Zahn is tucked away in her CNN bunker in New York.

Why is it that despite having more talent in her little finger than Katie Couric has in that whole pointy head of hers, that Katie is making about $40 million a year more than Paula?

And really, why are we spending this much time worrying about it?

The Tribune with an article about the best damn basketball coach in America. Not so fast, Coach K… Go talk through your nose somewhere else.

Rick Morrissey hopes we can keep the smarm out of our patriotic urges.

This just means the Bears will have the eighth best record in the NFC next season. Guaranteed.

The Irish don’t want to settle for winning just one game again this year. Sorry. It’s gonna happen.

Dusty says he’s never seen a spring like this. Welcome to the Cubs.

Gary Matthews breaks down the Cubs hitters, by position. No mention at all of Charles Gipson? What gives? Oh, who cares?

Uh-oh. Looks like the Class A boys’ basketball champs cheated. Go figure. Maybe that’s where Jim Harrick, Jr. ended up. The team they beat for the title, Mt. Carroll was always on our schedule at lovely Durand High School. Their gym was so small, that when the IHSA brought the three point line in for the 1987 season, you couldn’t shoot one in their gym on either sideline because there wasn’t enough room for your feet between the line and out of bounds. Picture any gym from Hoosiers, and you’ve got an idea of Mt. Carroll’s gym. I loved that place. Of course, I lit them up there when I was a sophomore, so that probably explains it.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to throw rocks at Hootie and Martha.

More on the Irish trying to save their season.

The Cubs are debunking our rumors left and right. We’ll see.

The Wizard of Roz says the Tribune Company might sell the Cubs. Yeah, and a whale might swallow us all whole, too.

Sports Guy phones in this one on the NCAA Tournament, and he subtely mentions that he’s engaged. This goes back to his string of “I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! HEY! DID I MENTION I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!” columns of a few months ago.

Spanish Yes dot com says that Pedro Martinez is calling out Mike Piazza. And we all know how Mike feels about being outed.

Anybody else wonder about Myles Brand’s sweater choice yesterday?

You would think a country artist would have more brains about who their audience is. They deserve this, just for being stupid. And for immediately apologizing about what they said. If you mean it, say it and stand by it.

Somebody call Private Ryan’s mom!

America’s finest news source with a Pennsylvania school district’s fun with one kid’s Hamlet essay.