It only seems like the playoffs have been cancelled, but while we cry in our beer about our beloved Cubs and at the same time breathe the clearer air of a Chip-free city, Major League Baseball has stubbornly decided to go ahead and hold the playoffs this year anyway.

Of all the nerve.

We compiled the reports of our crack scouts and bring you our playoff preview. As only we can.

All times p.m. Central Daylight Time

American League Playoffs

Minnesota Twins 93-70 v. New York Yankees 101-61

Series Schedule
Game One: Tuesday, October 5, Minnesota (Johan Santana 20-6) at Yankees (Mike Mussina 12-9), 7:19 Fox
Game Two: Wednesday, October 6, Minnesota (Brad Radke 11-8) at Jon Lieber (14-8), 7:09 Fox
Game Three: Friday, October 8, Yankees (El Duque 8-2 or Kevin Brown 10-6) at Minnesota (Carlos Silva 14-8), 7:09 ESPN
Game Four: Saturday, October 9, Yankees at Minnesota, TBA
Game Five: Sunday, October 10, Minnesota at Yankees, TBA

Desipio’s Scouts Say

Minnesota Twins: If I was Ron Gardenhire I honestly think my reflection would scare me. But I’d also start Johan Santana in games one, three, four and five. He’s that good…If Augie Ojeda is on their playoff roster, how can you pick against them? Chip Caray always told me that when you need a game saving defensive play, you put Augie in! It’s just that easy…Jock Jones’ mother makes a mean apple pie. I have no idea where she finds such angry apples…Everybody talks about how the Red Sox saved their season by trading for Orlando Cabrera and Doug Eyechart, but I think the Twins made their season by getting rid of Doug Eyechart. So there!…Joe Mauer sat out the last four games of the season with a bad knee again, this is not, as they say in Minnesota, good news…Henry Blanco is considered to be one of the smartest catchers in baseball. That’s akin to saying that somebody has the nicest toupee at the barber shop…I don’t know what that means, either…What’s harder to do catch a flyball hit towards that white inflatable roof in the Metrodome, or catch a flyball while the sun is shining on Corey Koskie’s head?…Joe Nathan is their closer, he’s the best two-first named closer since Braden Looper…What do you mean neither Braden or Looper is a real first name?…The Twins won the AL Central, which is to the AL East what the Big Sky is to the SEC…It’s not a playoff series until Torii Hunter hauls in a home run ball.

New York Yankees: I once saw Joe Torre naked. I don’t want to ruin your breakfast but it looked like a raccoon sitting on a CPR mannequin. I don’t even know what that means…If they win the World Series they’ll do something no team has ever accomplished. They’ll win it without one starter who is worth a damn…Jon Lieber is starting game two? Ed Whitson’s not available?…My favorite moment of the year was when A-Rod started the fight in Boston because Jason Varitek told him, “We don’t throw at .260 hitters.”…Somebody’s got to say it. You can’t pay a third baseman $25 million if he can’t put up numbers that are better than Mike Lowell…Derek Jeter gets more ass than a proctologist–if you were asking me to pick one Major Leaguer to trade lives with, it’s not even close…Maybe the Cubs would be in the playoffs if they’d replaced Sammy Sosa with Jon Olerud? Worked with Giambi and the Yankees…Mariano Rivera’s still the best closer in the game, but at the end of the season, the Yankees had a two-man bullpen. Tom Gordon, Rivera and pray for seven innings out of a starter. That formula’s not going to work with Mussina, Lieber, El Duque and Kevin Brown…They won 101 games and it’s easy to point out their flaws, but man, can they hit…Hideki Matt Suhey looks just like Moe Howard, it’s uncanny…Doesn’t Enrique Wilson look like a frog? And I don’t mean that in a Big Stein “Fat, pussy toad” sort of way…Tony Clark has white hair. Maybe Moises Alou can send him his “old home remedy”, a combination of Just For Men and urine…Remember the Yankees team that lost to Anaheim in the first round a couple years ago? Yeah, this team reminds me of that one.

Matchups to watch: Kenny Lofton versus a Gatorade jug. I’m betting on the Gatorade. — Justin Morneau vs. the foul pole. Trust me.

Anaheim Angels 92-70 v. Boston Red Sox 98-64

Series Schedule
Game One: Tuesday, October 5, Boston (Curt Schilling 21-6) at Anaheim (Jarrod Washburn 11-8), 3:09 ESPN (Desipio GameCast)
Game Two: Wednesday, October 6, Boston (Pedro Martinez 16-9) at Anaheim (Bartolo Colon 18-12), 9:09 ESPN
Game Three: Friday, October 8, Anaheim (Kelvim Escobar 11-12) at Boston (Tim Wakefield 12-10 or Bronson Arroyo 10-9), 3:09 ESPN (Desipio GameCast)
Game Four: Saturday, October 9, Anaheim at Boston, TBA
Game Five: Sunday, October 10, Boston at Anaheim, TBA

Desipio’s Scouts Say

Boston Red Sox: When you see Terry Francona in the dugout, you just get the feeling that he’s like the substitute teacher who just wants the students to like him…I don’t get the Orlando Cabrera fascination. Unless you’re big on a guy “improving” his on-base average from .298 to .320. He did walk 11 times in 255 at bats for the Red Sox though, so he’s got that going for him…It didn’t take long for Curt Schilling to become the biggest assbag on this team, did it? He’s got that innate talent. It normally takes him a full year before everybody else on the team is ready to bludgeon him to death, but he’s ahead of schedule in Boston…Pedro Martinez is a good pitcher for six innings, then he’s done. If you try and get seven or eight out of him, you’d better have a four run lead…Keith Foulke makes managers nervous. He doesn’t throw hard and so when he starts to struggle, you wonder if he’ll ever get anybody out. Francona’s already freaking out just like Jerry Manuel did. Just leave him alone, he’ll get the last out…Manny Ramirez cannot be pitched to. There’s no one way to get him out…David Ortiz can be pitched to, but what makes him so tough is the spot to get him out (belt high and in) is about four inches from the spot where he hits the ball 400 feet. Good luck…Bronson Arroyo actually throws harder from the stretch than the windup, and when you see his stupid Rockettes leg kick, you’ll see why…Tim Wakefield has struggled, and in the playoffs can you really take a shot at sending out a knuckleballer when he’s not sure if his ball will knuckle?…Mark Bellhorn struck out 177 times. Wow…Bill Mueller was having a decent season until he hurt his knee again. Sound familiar, Cubs fans? He’s back and playing, but he’s not right…Johnny Damon needs to shave again.

Anaheim Angels: Watch David Eckstein throw. It’s hilarious…Vlad Guerrero will have no fear in the playoffs…I applaud them for suspending pain-in-the-ass outfielder Jose Guillen, but it became a lot easier once Troy Glaus came back, didn’t it?…Glaus hit 18 homers in 58 games. That’s good…Chone Figgins can’t spell, but he can play just about anywhere on the field…Bart Colon had a horrible first half, but still won 18 games. He’s back to throwing 100 MPH in the sixth inning. But can he throw enough strikes in the playoffs?…The back end of their bullpen, especially K-Rod and Percival is obscene. Chip Caray would be right in calling them “vaunted.” If you’re not ahead after seven, you’re going to lose to the Angels. Just ask the A’s…Darin Erstad is the oldest 30 year old in the universe. Watching him makes my knees hurt…Erstad had a decent year at the plate, but can you really get seve homers out of your first baseman? I suppose the Diamondbacks won with Mark Grace, so anything’s possible…I’m hoping Bartolo wins game two so I can see the headline, “Sweet Smell of Colon.”…None of their starters scare you, especially not Aaron Sele. How is he still in the league? How was he 9-4?…The Rally Monkey is still around, so he needs to be dealt with…Sometimes the strangest guys come up big in the playoffs. Remember how huge Adam Kennedy was for them two years ago? I think this year it’s going to be Jeff DeVanon. But that’s just me.

Matchups to watch: Johnny Damon’s skull vs. anybody else’s skull — Chone Figgins vs. a spelling bee

National League Playoffs

St. Louis Cardinals (105-57) v. Los Angeles Dodgers (93-69)

Series Schedule
Game One: Tuesday, October 5, Los Angeles (Odalis Perez 7-6) at St. Louis (Woody Williams 11-8), 12:09 ESPN (Desipio GameCast)
Game Two: Thursday, October 7, Los Angeles (Jeff Weaver 13-13) at St. Louis (Jason Marquis 15-7), 7:19 Fox
Game Three: Saturday, October 9, St. Louis (Matt Moran 15-10) at Los Angeles (Lima Time! 13-5), TBA
Game Four: Sunday, October 10, St. Louis at Los Angeles, TBA
Game Five: Monday, October 11, Los Angeles at St. Louis, TBA

Desipio’s Scouts Say

St. Louis Cardinals: They won 105 games even though they went 13-13 in their final 26. Was it a late season slump? Was it there players not having anything to play for? Or did they play out of their minds for four months and finally crash to earth in September? When you look at their pitching, I’m thinking crash…Scott Rolen missed most of September with a bad calf. He seems to be getting pretty good at this “get hurt just in time for the playoffs” thing…Albert Pujols is dominant for a man his age. I remember seeing him take Walter Johnson deep at Griffith Stadium…Pujols has plantar fasciatis, which is Latin for, “sore foot.”…You wonder if Tony Womack’s deal with the devil includes the postseason?…Larry Walker can’t run any more and his on base percentage went in the toilet after he left Colorado (.333 in September). The thin air, and long stints on the DL, hid the fact that Larry’s a very beaten up 37. With the Cardinals he had almost as many strikeouts 34 as hits 42. He never approached that in Colorado…Chris Carpenter was their best starter and he might miss the entire playoffs…Worse news is that Woody Williams won’t miss the playoffs…Matt Morris gave up 35 homers in 32 games. Who does he think he is, Greg Maddux?…At the end of the season, Jason Marquis was their best starter. That’s like saying that once Paul dies that Ringo’s the best Beatle…Edgar Renteria should have a huge playoffs. He’s due. He didn’t do squat during the season…Jim Edmonds molests collies.

Los Angeles Dodgers: They don’t have great starting pitching, so they’ll have to outslug the Cardinals. That’s not a great formula…Odalis Perez has pitched well lately. They’ll just hope his arm doesn’t fall off until November…Jeff Weaver has the mental toughness of Charmin…Steve Finley won the division for them with a grand slam. That’s cool. It also hid the fact that he kept making outs the last two weeks of the season…If Milton Bradley can keep from throwing things at the fans, he should have a breakout playoffs. Milton’s got lots of talent and he’ll be seeing plenty of salad from the Cardinals’ pitchers…Jayson Werth’s better than you think…Dave Ross is even worse than you’ve feared…Cesar Izturis is leading off? What, Kevin Elster’s not available? Who knew?…They play Jose Hernandez at second against tough lefties. You can stop laughing any time now…You’d feel a lot better about them if they still had Guillermo Mota in that bullpen. Yahency Brazoban is good, but he’s a rookie. That’s scary…Shawn Green at first base makes Eric Karros look like JT Snow defensively…Jose Lima against the Cardinals’ offense? Take the over. Way over…Hey, a picture of you and Tommy Lasorda? I hate Tommy Lasorda.

Matchups to watch: Milton Bradley vs. his inner demons — Scott Rolen vs. his exoskeleton.

Atlanta Braves (96-66) v. Houston Astros (92-70)

Series Schedule
Game One: Wednesday, October 6, Houston (Roger Clettitte 18-4) at Atlanta (Jaret Wright 15-8), 3:09 ESPN (Desipio GameCast)
Game Two: Thursday, October 7, Houston (Roy Oswalt 20-10) at Atlanta (John Thompson 14-8), 3:09 ESPN (Desipio GameCast)Game Three: Saturday, October 9, Atlanta (Mike Hampton 13-9) at Houston (TBA), TBA
Game Four: Sunday, October 10, Atlanta at Houston, TBA
Game Five: Monday, October 11, Houston at Atlanta, TBA

Desipio’s Scouts Say

Houston Astros: If they’d waited one more week to fire Jimy Williams the Giants would be in the playoffs…Craig Biggio is the worst leftfielder in baseball. I say that, knowing full well that Eric Young played left field in Texas…Jeff Kent’s range is however far he can fall down to either side…Carlos Beltran is the best player in the National League. Just trust me on this…Lance Berkman plays left field like he’s on a scavenger hunt…They played better once Adam Everett’s enormous ears left the lineup. There’s some evidence to suggest that his ears tilt the field at an odd angle…Jeff Bagwell is playing with one arm, so don’t expect his lousy postseaon stats to improve…Brandon Backe won just as many big games as Roger Clettitte and Roy Oswalt did…That said, if the Astros get a win in a game started by somebody other than Fat Roger or Roy, the other team is in serious doo doo…Houston’s a great baseball town. They deserve a champion. Yeah, I can’t even type that with a straight face…If there’s a Houston-St. Louis NLCS the world will end…There are no winners there…Brad Lidge cannot be hit. Mark my words…The only team that could get to him were the Cubs, they did it twice and they’re not around anymore…Firing Jimy Williams was a good move, but launching Burt Hooten was a thing of genius…It has to piss the Astros off that they know that Carlos Beltran will be wearing pinstripes next year, and not their’s.

Atlanta Braves: This is not a particularly good Braves’ team. They won the NL East because the Phillies had two hands around their own necks and the Marlins didn’t start playing until August…They started winning when Chipper Jones went back to third base. Why they ever moved him to left is a mystery. Did they really need the Vinny Castilla era that badly?…Chipper tore his hamstring and had a horrific start, but he’s the good old Larry Wayne right now…They’ll need Adam LaRoche to hit and Rafael Furcal to stay sober…Jaret Wright is a good story, but if he’s your ace, you’re in trouble, pitching wise…If Paul Byrd is on the postseason roster, there’s trouble…Antonio Alfonseca had a “good” year, but the league hit better than .260 off of him and he gave up more hits than innings. He’s a time bomb…A twelve fingered time bomb…John Smoltz seems to be healthy, which is big for them. Last year he was a shell of himself in the playoffs and that won’t work…You just get the feeling they could fall out of bed and beat the Astros…JD Drew is the best rightfielder in the National League right now. There’s no need to argue…Mike Hampton might have more value as a pinch hitter than as a pitcher in these playoffs…Charles Thomas can play a little bit. I’m not sure about DeWayne Wise…Marcus Giles can flat out rake…Russ Ortiz? Do YOU want to count on him?…I loved John Thompson when he was at Georgetown. Does he still wear the towel over his shoulder?

Matchups to watch: Roger Clemens vs. diahrrea — Larry Wayne Jones and Rafael Furcal vs. a Hooters’ waitress with a bottle of tequila