If Major League Baseball had its way, the League Championship Series would involve teams with two of the best rivalries in sports. It’d be the Red Sox and Yankees in the AL and Cubs and Cardinals in the NL. But the Cubs decided they’d rather go home a week before the season ended, and that kind of put a crimp in baseball’s plans. We can start worrying about the NLCS tomorrow (not that Houston has a chance in Hell), but today, our scouts take an in-depth look at Yankees-Red Sox in games eight through 14 of their steel cage match that started last October.

To do this we’re going to break things down scientifically, position by position. We assigned real Major League Scouts to look at both teams. One broke down the Red Sox for us, another the Yankees. You might not be buying that we actually know real Major League scouts, but heck, some of you don’t think Karry Ling really exists, either. At the end of our breakdown, we’ll look at how the ex-Cub Factor might impact the series. You’ll be surprised at which team has more former baby bears.

Matchups

First Base

Yankees: John Olerud and Tony Clark — For a team with a $400 million payroll, you’d think they could do better than an aneurysm victim that the Mariners waived and a Tigers reject, but Olerud and Clark have been amazingly productive for them…Olerud’s a plus defensive player and Clark is really tall, so he’s got that…Olerud’s bat speed is laughable at this stage in his career, but he smokes just about any breaking pitch from a righty. Pitchers love to make it hard. Why strike out a guy with three fastballs up in the zone when you can get ahead 0-2 and then give up a double on a weak slider?…They haven’t missed Jason Giambi, mostly because they took one look at him in Spring Training and knew that with his new Michael Stipe body frame that they weren’t going to get much.

Red Sox: Kevin Millar and Doug Eyechart — Chris Berman went on about Millar’s defense in the Division Series, but it was a fluke. He’s not just a poor defensive first baseman, he’s nearly apocalyptically bad. He has no range to either side, has a hard time with balls in the dirt and watch him hold runners on sometime, you can practically read his lips saying, “Don’t throw over here, don’t throw over here.” Offensively he hates the ball inside, but if you miss trying to go in he’ll pull the hell out of you. He loves to go opposite field. Millar’s proof that pitchers don’t know how to pitch inside. He shold never get a hit…He has less than no speed. He’s petitioned baseball to add the courtesy runner for the playoffs. Eyechart is a mess offensively. He hit .300 one year in Minnesota and nobody knows how. Until JT Snow had his fluke 2004 second half, he and Mientkiewicz were the same player. He’s great with the glove and throws exceptionally well for a first baseman. He’s got great range, too. If the Sox have the lead after the sixth, you have to take out Millar and use Mientkiewicz.

Second Base

Yankees: Enrique Wilson and Miguel Cairo — Honestly, they could play anybody at this spot and still score six runs a game. Wilson has less than stellar range, mostly because he’s fat. Cairo’s a little better with the glove but his arm is laughably bad. At the plate, Wilson might as well just sac bunt every at bat, even when there’s nobody on base. Cairo’s more of a threat, but not much of one. If these were countries trying to get nuclear capabilities, you’d say that Wilson was Luxembourg and Cairo was New Guinea. It just doesn’t matter.

Red Sox: Mark Bellhorn — He’s the Sabermetric poster boy for 2004. He strikes out at an absurd rate, but has a good on base percentage because he walks a lot. It’s easy to get him out and the Yankees know how to do it. Throw him strikes early in the count when he’s trying to find a reason to take pitches. If you get him 1-2 or 0-2 he’s already out. If you fall behind he’ll pick out one pitch (usually a fastball) and if he gets it, he’ll hit it hard. He has surprising power from both sides of the plate, but especially righthanded. Defensively he’s got good hands but terribly slow feet. He doesn’t turn the double play well and gets hit a lot on the pivot. Gary Sheffield will knock him into the Monster at least once in the series.

Shortstop

Yankees: Derek Jeter — The most overrated player in baseball during the regular season, but he really is tough in the postseason. Nothing seems to faze him, not pressure, injury, whatever. Because of his past successes he gets too much credit for some things. Like tagging up on that liner to Jock Jones in game two against the Twins. I would say 65 percent of the baserunners in the game would have tried to score on that, and would have since Jones didn’t throw home. He’ll swing at anything, and is successful because he hits bad pitches hard. He likes the ball up and away, and most pitchers don’t get it up or away from him enough, so he smokes it. He tries to pull until he has two strikes then he’ll spray the next hittable pitch. Defensively he’s great on pop-ups, maybe the best in the game. His range isn’t great, but it’s better than average and he’s got a good arm.

Red Sox: Orlando Cabrera — Playing for a good team certainly turned him around this year. He tanked it in Montreal for four months and then had a hard time adjusting to the AL, but for the last month of the season he was almost as good as he was in his best years with the Expos. He has outstanding range at shortstop, though a chronically bad back seems to still effect him when he tries to throw from the hole. He throws better on the run than set up, just like the old Boston shortstop. At the plate there’s no reason to throw him a strike. He thinks he can hit anything. He has good speed but does not steal as many bases as he should because he doesn’t get good lead offs. He’s way too small to be wearing 44. It makes him look like a kid, and I know this to be true because he’s Michael Jackson’s new favorite player.

Third Base

Yankees: Alex Rodriguez — He’s only the best player in baseball, so what’s there to talk about? He’s made a good transition to third, but he’s wasted there. He’s still the best shortstop in the game. His only real flaws in the field are that he is content to wait on balls and use his big arm, but sometimes at third you have to charge the ball just to take away the awkward topspin bounce you can get and you’ll see him get handcuffed. He might be the best already at barehanding bunts. He has shortstop range on pop-ups and he and Jeter will at times look like they’re playing the left side of the infield and left field, too. At the plate he got off to a decent start, but slow by his standards. He’s got legit 50 homer power and already has a batting title. There’s no good way to pitch to him. He did not put up superstar numbers in 2004, which worries me if I’m the Red Sox. He seems to be hitting better right now than at any other time during the season. He’s not the smartest cookie in the box, and can be frustrated at times. The Red Sox got under his skin back in July and Varitek’s “We don’t throw at .260 hitters” line drove him nuts.

Red Sox: Bill Mueller — Never trust a guy who can’t spell, or at least pronounce his own name. This drives me nuts. It’s Mue-ler, you dumb ass, not Miller…Did he really win the batting title last year? Is that like the time that Alicia Keys won all those Grammys? Did that really happen? You mean in the same year a one legged, banjo hitting jerkoff and a chick who sounds like the lounge singer at the bar on top of the Hancock both did that? Whatever…Mueller’s got soft hands and is very gentle—at third base. What did you think I meant? His range is however he can fall down to either side…If they use Kevin Youkilis here, the Yankees should just bunt at that kid every time. He’s like Steve Buchele over there, without the curly mullet…Wait, you’re really telling me that Mueller won the batting title last year? I can’t get past that. It’s just too ridiculous.

Left Field

Yankees: Hideki Matt Suhey — How old is this guy? He looks like he’s Pat Morita’s older brother. I half expect to see him doing the “crane” out there in left field…He’s got decent power and can’t pull anything hard. He’s an above average left fielder, though watch how long it takes him to slow down after he catches a flyball on the run. He might as well yell at Burt Ward to hit the button to release the Batmobile parachute. It’s hilarious…It’s too bad the Yankees don’t allow facial hair because you know he’d look kick ass with a fu manchu. Without it he looks like Moe Howard forgot a condom on shore leave in Okinawa in 1942…Has anyone ever heard him speak? Ever? Even in Japanese? He could very well be a mute.

Red Sox: Manny Ramirez — There’s no way to consistently get him out. You wonder how somebody this goofy can be this smart at the plate, but he is. If you fall into a pattern Manny will hit one 500 feet to left field…In the field he’s hysterical. He’s as likely to make a diving catch as he is to forget to chase a flyball. At least once in this series he’ll forget how many outs there are and start jogging in a batter or two, too early. He does it once a week. Normally he doesn’t have the ball and nobody notices it except the fans in the left field bleachers. I saw him do it TWICE in an All-Star Game…How does he even keep his hat on anymore over all that hair?…Just remember the Red Sox waived him last winter. Any team could have had him for his contract (which is somewhere around $47 billion a year) and the waiver price of $25K…He’s your 2004 AL MVP. Ouch. How good would the Rangers have been with him? Buck Showalter just began to weep.

Center Field

Yankees: Bernie Williams and Kenny Lofton — The Yankees told Lofton this offseason that they were going to DH Bernie and play a healthy Jason Giambi every day at first base. Does Kenny not have cable TV? Has he ever seen Giambi play first? It’s like giving a monkey a road map and one of those Segway things…Lofton sat a lot even with Giambi out with his Mickey Mantle liver virus or whatever it turned out to be…Williams is still a good hitter. He’s a better righthanded hitter than he is lefty…In the outfield he’s lost a step—no, he’s lost three steps…He can not throw at all. In fact, Kenny has a MUCH better arm than Bernie, and Kenny’s arm is laughably weak…Lofton only played in 83 games and it wasn’t all because of injury. He’s lost a step in the outfield and will not catch any ball he has to run back on. If you see Kenny’s full number while he’s chasing a flyball on your TV screen at any time, it’s at least a double…Jeter can bail Lofton out on long relay plays because he’s got a plus arm and can go extra deep for the cut off, Wilson and Cairo can’t.

Red Sox: Johnny “Jesus” Damon — He’s slowed down a little, but I don’t think it’s because of age, I think it’s all that extra hair…He blamed growing the beard on the concussion Damian Jackson’s head gave him during the LDS last year. He said he was too groggy to shave for weeks after the season…He plays the big, oddly shaped center field pasture at Fenway pretty well, but he can’t make up for the lack of range the Sox have in left and usually in right (Nixon’s bad back)…In Yankee Stadium balls he can’t get to might roll for days…Offensively he’s a slap hitter, but gets lots of RBI chances and cashed a lot of them in this year…He can turn on a fastball but is content to dump breaking stuff into left center…He can still steal bases, though isn’t asked to do that much.

Right Field

Yankees: Gary Sheffield — Harold Reynolds says he’s the MVP which should automatically disqualify him. Harold Reynolds thinks nickels are “shiny.”…He’s never been a good postseason player and struggled against the Twins…He’s playing with a bad thumb and sore leg and the feds took his “magic cream” away from him…He’s still a good outfielder with a good arm…He still runs pretty well when healthy…Pitchers still think they can sneak fastballs by him inside–they can’t…He generates an absurd amount of bat speed even with that weird preswing routine he has…He has a great ability to forget previous at bats if they went poorly. An 0-4 Sheffield is just as dangerous in his fifth at bat as he is on a night he’s 3-4.

Red Sox: Trot Nixon or Gabe Kapler — How’s this for an omen? You can combine half of their first names and spell GOAT. Keep that in mind…Nixon’s still trying to catch Matsui’s “double” from game seven last year…How can a guy who spent that much time on the DL this year have a hat that ratty?…The Sox need Nixon’s bat against guys like Jon Lieber and Javier Vazquez who traditionally have trouble with lefties…Kapler looks great doing everything but hitting…When Gabe is in left the Sox can at least cover two thirds of the outfield…Kapler is a sucker for—any thrown ball. He’d swing at it if you rolled it up there…Dave Roberts could also see time in left, but Dave Roberts sucks.

Catcher

Yankees: Jorge Posada — The Yankees say his postseason hitting struggles are because of him wearing down over the long season. I say it’s because he fattens up on bad pitching during the regular season and it hides that he can’t hit good stuff…Posada calls a good game, but is prone to lapses in the field. If you make him throw down to second three times during a game on steal attempts, the center fielder’s going to have to pick up at least one of the throws…He’s pretty much the same hitter right and left handed. He’s a little more patient batting lefthanded and has a little more power righthanded but the differences are negligable…Watch when he catches Mariano Rivera, he never calls the type of pitch, the signals are always about location. Why not, Rivera’s throwing the cut fastball every pitch.

Red Sox: Jason Varitek —He’s a much better hitter right handed, but he’s not terrible lefthanded. The Yankees only have one lefty reliever and they have to be afraid to use him (Felix) so ‘Tek should see all righties in the series…He’s got sneaky power and absolutely no speed. He even falls down slowly…He’s solid defensively and pitchers are comfortable wasting pitches in the dirt because he’s solid at blocking them. He gives away high pitches out of the zone by almost standing straight up…With runners on he shortens his swing a little, and he batted more than half the time this year with runners on base. That’s sick.

Designated Hitter

Yankees: Ruben Sierra — You want to know why the Yankees might be after Sammy Sosa? Because their primary DH hit .244 with 17 homers this year…Sierra has to cheat on fastballs and has a hard time even fouling off a good changeup because of it…He still takes a full, hard hack at anything, which makes him dangerous down the short lines both ways at the Stadium…On the bases he’s less than no factor. He looks like he wishes he could use a mountain bike to go from first to second.

Red Sox: David Ortiz — Papi has great power and is agile for a fat guy…You can rarely get him out by pitching him the same way in consecutive at bats. He’s the DH what else does he have to think about but his at bats?…He’s sneaky fast. Especially if you are trying to hide food from him…He’s fun, he’s happy and if Bobby Cox had him on his team, Bobby would duct tape him inside an equipment locker.

Bench

Yankees: Tony Clark, Miguel Cairo, Bubba Crosby, John Flaherty, Kenny Lofton

That’s not a pretty sight. Joe Torre doesn’t use his bench much because he doesn’t have to. Besides, how excited would you be to say things like, “Bubba, grab a bat!”

Red Sox: Doug Eyechart, Gabe Kapler, Pokey Reese, Kevin Youkilis, Dave Roberts, Doug Mirabelli

The only guy on the bench who can hit at all is Youkilis, the famous “Greek God of Walks”…Eyechart, Reese, Kapler and Roberts are all there for defense. So this bench is great if the Sox can get a lead, and keep it…

Starting Pitching

Yankees: Mike Mussina —He owns the Red Sox but given the Yankees lack of depth he could beat the Sox twice and the Yankees might still lose the series…His fastball has lost a little zip, but the knucklecurve has always been the equalizer…Of all the Yankees starters he’s best at getting weak grounders when ahead in the count and limiting his pitches…He’s got groovy sideburns, still…He’s one of the best pitchers defensively.

Jon Lieber — His slider is not just hittable by lefty batters, it’s crushable, but he counters that by throwing it at different speeds…Like most Tommy John surgery survivors his velocity came back before his control did, but now he’s got the touch back on his slider…He fields his position well, though is prone to odd ankle injuries when covering first base…He goes from “cruising along” to “get me out, I’m getting crushed” in a heartbeat. Nobody loses it faster than Jon…For a guy who is in shape, his ass is freakishly wide.

Kevin Brown — He’s pitching with a broken left hand, but who cares? He doesn’t have to bat and it’s not like he throws with it…He still has a nasty slider, though he’s having trouble keeping his fastball down. When his slider and heater start on the same plane, look out…He’s nasty, he’d throw at his own kid in a father-son game, just like “The Duke”…He hides the ball well and his herky jerky motion makes it look like he’s jumping off the mound at the batter, and he’s just crazy enough to try that…If he can’t get his fastball for strikes low in the zone, the Red Sox lefty hitters are going to hammer him.

Javier Vazquez — He’s the Spanish Ed Whitson. There’s nothing wrong with his arm, but his mechanics are out of whack and his ERA is growing like a balloon…When he’s right he’s got the big curveball and can get his fastball under the hands, right now the curveball only find the strike zone when it’s hanging and he’s lost the confidence to start the fastball over the plate and let it run into righties. Instead he’s starting it outside and if it runs, it’s running to the fat part of the bat…He’s talented enough that it could all click back into place, and when (if) it does he’s one of the most complete pitchers in baseball…If it doesn’t, it’s batting practice.

Boston Red Sox: Curt Schilling — He’s one of the best big game pitchers in recent memory. He’s still annoying as hell, though…On the mound he’s a nightmare for hitters. Big breaking stuff, a plus fastball and the ability to throw it up, down, in and out and at about three different speeds…What makes him tough is that he’s just as likely to muscle up and throw you a 97 MPH heater in a tough spot, or to take something off and throw it 88 and at your knees…As a hitter you can sit on a location, but not a speed…He field his position well despite his girth and he holds runners pretty well. He’ll vary his delivery to keep a runner at first from getting a walking lead…If I were Terry Francona, there’s no doubt I’d have Schilling pitch games one, four and seven.

Pedro Martinez — He used to have a 97 MPH fastball and a 77 MPH change up, now it’s more like 94 and 84, which is still tough to deal with…He throws three quarters and the ball appears to rise when he keeps it up which is why you’ll see good hitters swinging under hittable pitches…He’s very competitive and would rather give up an opposite field single than walk you…He’s a 100 pitch pitcher at this point. He should have one of those buttons like on a turkey (or a stripper) that pops when he’s done…He’s not intimidated by the Yankees, unfortunately, they’ve hit him enough the last two years that they’re not scared of him, either…You cannot use him on short rest…The Jheri curl has to go.

Bronson Arroyo — There are two things about this whacko that I just don’t get, 1) the white man cornrows, 2) the funky motion he uses in the windup…It’s not particularly deceptive and he actually throws harder from the stretch than the windup…He has a good breaking pitch, and can cut his fastball, but can fall in love with that at times…If he’s up with his pitches the outfielders are going to get tired…I’m serious, I think he’s a better pitcher with runners on than with the bases empty.

Tim Wakefield — If it were up to me, and it’s not, I’d have Derek Lowe pitch game four at Fenway. Start Eyechart and Pokey for defense and hope Lowe can get some grounders, because Wakefield has not been good lately…In the past he’s been huge in playoff series with the Pirates and Red Sox, so he’s got a history, and Lowe doesn’t have much of one…Wakefield throws that knuckleball but throws kind of hard with his fastball, he can hit the high 80s which after watching a series of floaters has to look 94 or 95…His fastball is straight as a string though, and if he tips it, which he sometimes does by taking more of a normal windup he’s going to get hit hard…He gave up the pennant loser last October, but he gave them three innings of scoreless relief before that.

Bullpens

Yankees: — Mariano Rivera, Flash Gordon, Felix Heredia, Stevie Loaiza, Paul Quantrill, Tanyon Sturtze

The Yankees have more pitchers who claim to bat lefty (Heredia, Mussina, Lieber, Quantrill) than who throw lefty. Right now, Torre only has confidence in Rivera (greatest closer of all time), Gordon and Sturtze. Yes, Sturtze. Heredia’s useless. Loaiza’s strickly a mop up guy now (he’s the Mexican Irabu), and Quantrill’s had more up and downs than Paris Hilton at a Nick Carter concert…Why did the Cubs ever let Flash Gordon leave? Even if to just use him as a set up guy?

Red Sox: — Keith Foulke, Alan Embree, Curtis Leskanic, Derek Lowe, Mike Myers, Mike Timlin

When Curtis Leskanic, Lowe, Mike Myers and Mike Timlin are prominent parts of your bullpen, it shouldn’t be any good, but compared to the Yankees, the Red Sox are the 1990 Cincinnati Reds…Foulke makes managers nuts because he’s a change-up pitcher, but he’s effective, if they’ll just let him pitch the way he needs to…Myers only weapon is his funky delivery that lefties have a hard time finding the ball out of, righties smoke him…Leskanic’s arm is held together with duct tape and it wasn’t that good before he wore it out…Timlin’s fastball tends to straighten out, but when he gets some movement on it, he’s tough to hit. The Sox have a lot more options, but no Mariano.

Manager

Yankees: Joe Torre— It looks easy, doesn’t it? Joe just sits there and watches his collection of All-Stars hammer the ball, then turns a lead over to Mo? Torre does a good job mixing and matching his bullpen, he pinch hits with surprising frequency for a team with such a good all around lineup, and he’s learned to pull a pitcher two pitches too early, rather than two too late.

Red Sox: Terry Francona— Terry’s still pulling them two too late…He’s got a little of The Genius in him and sometimes eschews the obvious move to make one that makes him look smarter…Usually those moves don’t work…His players like him because he has no rules, the fans are scared to death that he’ll do something stupid–sound familiar?…He’s certainly an upgrade over Grady Little. Then again, a dacshund wearing a Sox cap would have been.

Ex-Cubs Factor

Yankees: — Miguel Cairo, Kenny Lofton, Jon Lieber, Flash Gordon, Felix Heredia, Tanyon Sturtze

Red Sox: — Doug Eyechart (technically he got traded for Nomar), Mark Bellhorn, Bill Mueller

The Yankees have more, and while Lieber, Gordon and Sturtze could play huge roles, you have to worry about the fact that Bellhorn and Mueller will be starting every game of the series. By total chances alone, the Red Sox are more likely to fall victim to an ex-Cub fiasco.