Anybody who thinks that puffy, Harry Caray glasses wearing, poetry reading “Saddam Hussein” we saw on that video last night was really him, please stand up.

I think that President Gee Dub should go on TV again tonight (how about halftime of Illinois-W. Kentucky?), but instead send Will Ferrell to read his speech. Priceless.

I’m not saying that Saddam’s dead, I’m just saying that wasn’t him.

Anyway, you don’t come here for war coverage, so let’s stick to things we know. Making fun of Survivor and making fun of the NCAA Tournament.

I have no idea which tribe is which anymore? I mean, I know which one used to be SausageFest and which one used to be Tribe of the Vagina Monologues, but which one is Jabaru and which one is Tombaqui, I have no idea.

So, just to be clear, from here on, SausageFest is the tribe with Dave, Roger, Butch, Quisty and Heidi. Vagina Monologues is Jenna, Shawna, Deena, Alex, Rob and Matthew. Got it? Good.

I got home late and missed the first ten minutes of the show. I know, I know, I suck. So I missed the promised Heidi-Quisty clash over why Heidi turned on Jeanne last week. I’m going to recreate it here, because, really, these two are an open book.

Quisty: Why did ewe tuwn on Jeanne?
Heidi: Gene had to go. Gene had a man’s name!
Quisty: But ewe lied to me!
Heidi (covers her mouth): Deaf girl says what?
Quisty: What?

Anyway, then I got home.

Over at Vagina Monologues, Matt brushed his teeth for the first time in 16 days, and he even ate some toothpaste. This is one weird guy.

Rob brushed his and said, “Anybody want to make out?” He then told the camera, “I brushed my teeth like I was detailing my car.”

Deena said she was worried about having guys in the camp, but now she says, “I adore the guys.” She resembles, them, too.

Alex and Shawna are getting cozy. As he lays with his head on her stomach, she pets him like a Doberman. “I love the adventure and you guys are great,” he says to the camp. “I’m a flirt,” he tells the camera. “Especially to somebody’s who’s a flirt, too.” Yikes.

The reward challenge involves log rolling (not making this up). Not to be confused with the Dirk Diggler epic, “Logjamming”. The tribes are competing for garlic and salt and pepper and fruit. Whoop dee damn doo.

All you need to know is that Rob got beaten by Butch and that Quisty beat Jenna to give SausageFest the win.

After her win, Quisty had a seizure. It was scary. Especially once we figured out she was actually dancing. Wow.

Back at Vagina Monologues the gang is bathing in the stream. Jenna is looking superhot and it almost makes me wish I didn’t find out yesterday that our 23 year old swimsuit model is married. Married? WTF?

Shawna scrubs Alex’s back. Shawna scrubs Rob’s back. Rob has to hide his groin area for about 15 minutes. Nobody washes Deena’s anything.

Rob is wearing a Speedo! Oh, just when I thought he was the coolest Survivor ever.

Over at SausageFest, Heidi has literally let her hair down and she’s downright homely. I don’t know what Jake sees in her (see, I’m not letting him off the hook). Heidi continues to say stupid things, “We won fruit galore!”

Fruit galore? Isn’t that some sort of snack food? “From the makers of Fruit Roll-Ups it’s Fruit Galore!”

Quisty is basking in the glow of her victory and going gay on us. “I wuz wike yay! I am up against Jenna. I’m go-wing down! I need her to go down!” Huh?

Heidi says, “I’m proud of us as a new team. It’s hard to come together in two days!” Unlike Vagina Monologues who came together in one day and won immunity last time?

Butch says that one of his three happiest moments is now the moment when Quisty figured out that the tribe booted Jeanne because Quisty was more valuable. Oh, whatever. Quisty believes it and starts to cry. When Butch says “You don’t have a disability,” Quisty says, “I strive to pwoove dat to people. Yay! That’s cool.” That was a very nice moment. But enough with the “Yay”, OK Quisty?

Back at Vagina Monologues, Rob says, “I had an alliance with Alex. But he’s more interested in making friends. That’s stupid, because you can stay home and make friends. I want to get rid of Matthew because he annoys me, but I can live with that. We’re going to need him. And he really catches a lot of fish. But Matthew has no idea he’s being played by me. He’s a complete idiot. He’s a physical threat. But if he stops catching fish or doing what we want him to do, he’s out.”

That night the gang plays “dream date”. How old are they? Alex’s dream date with Shawna includes shopping and eating EL Fudge cookies. He’s a complete moron.

Matthew’s dream date with her involved kidnapping her and taking her to the top of a hill. Psycho!

Rob’s was the date between Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack in Serendipity. Shawna says, “That’s the most incredible date ever!” Sheesh. Go see a freakin’ movie.

The next morning, Shawna was lying on Alex, and Matt laid on Shawna. It’s a smelly three-way! Alex is none too pleased.

The tree-mail for the Immunity Challenge was a huge bone. Butch says, “I don’t want to meet the dog that belongs to this bone.” Not bad, Butchie Boy.

In order to win the Immunity Calvin this week
the Survivors have to do the most disgusting thing ever. Each tribe gets a huge bone with meat on it and they have to rip meat off the bone with their teeth and put it in a basket to be weighed. It’s horrible.

Vagina Monologues has to sit out one player so they pick Jenna, the model. She’s not used to taking big bites of anything unless she’s going to throw it up later. (Bulimia jokes are cool.)

I will admit I got strangely aroused watching Shawna tilt her head to take a big hunk of meat. Hey, I’m a guy! What can I say?

Sometimes the castaways would have trouble getting the food out of their mouths, and so Butch had to give Roger a man kiss to get his meat (nice sentence) and Heidi had to give hers to Roger. Eww!

SausageFest wins. By a sinew.

Vagina Monologues has to boot somebody off. Shawn volunteers to go. Even though she doesn’t want to. She’s just so dumb. Cute. But dumb.

Alex says he figures it’s him or Matt so he’s voting for Matt. I mean he SAYS this, to the whole Tribe. Yikes. Matt’s voting for Alex. Shawna’s voting for Matt because she loves Alex. Whoo hoo! She just cut her throat. She picked Alex, so now Matt can turn on her. Moron!

Even though Rob hates Matthew, he knows that he needs him. Shawna’s fate is sealed as we head to Tribal Council.

Deena says, “There’s sexual tension there between Alex and Shawna. I call it the love shack.” Now she’s quoting “B-52” songs? Yeah, she’s not gay. Right. Whatever.

Shawna tells Jeff “Anal” Probst, “It’s fun. I ‘m glowing these days. I needed somebody to take my head out of my butt.” Blecch.

The votes go Shawna four (Rob, Deena, Matt, Jenna) and Matt two (Alex, Shawna). Rob says as he votes for Shawna, “You put what’s good for others ahead of yourself. Unfortunately while it makes you a great person, it makes you a terrible Survivor player.”

Alex watches her walk off and plans on getting booted next time so he and Shawna can have Amazon Hotel monkey sex for the next month.

Next week, it’s time to stand on big sticks and see who can last the longest. Oh, and Heidi and Shawna get naked while doing it. Their mommies will be so proud.

As I write this Ari Fleischer is doing his news conference (and Marquette and Holy Cross are duking it out on ESPN) and Campbell is asking questions. She looks great in a little blue turtleneck sweater. She should, I gave it to her for Christmas.


Thanks, Andy!

Here’s how ESPN screwed me, again. CBS’s orginal plan to cover the tournament if the war started today or tomorrow was to put the games on MTV, VH1, TNN and USA and they couldn’t regionalize them. So I could have watched them all. Then, ESPN steps in and says, “Hey, we can do it for you! And—we can send the games to certain zip codes!” Morons. Not only did they save CBS from having to refund that Mega March Madness package money, but they stuck me with Marquette and Holy Cross all freakin’ morning. Booo!

Dee Brown ain’t ‘fraid of nothin’!

I hate Wisconsin-Milwaukee. I hate Bruce Pearl. I hope Notre Dame beats them by 145 points.

By the way, Sports Illustrated picked Illinois and Notre Dame to lose in round one. That means one of them is going all the way!

Groucho likes Jay Williams on the bench. I like Groucho on the bench.

Mike Downey hopes the 1981 tournament doesn’t return. Check out the Isiah Thomas quote in here. Nothing’s changed with that little creep.

El Pulpo is having the manly pain of a strained muscle and the bullpen is up for grabs. When isn’t it?

Is Kerry Wood always sick? Be the first on your block to predict that the Cubs let him walk after next year. Does anybody really think he’ll have a long career?

Greg Couch says they’re the same old Cubs. Unfortunately, he’s right. I’m not even thinking 81 wins right now. Blecch.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to chat about the war.

Herb Gould loves the Illini. I think, had Luther Head and Roger Powell been healthy all year (like they are now) the Illini aren’t 24-6. They’re 27-3. They’d have been a one seed. Beware the Illini.

The Wizard of Roz wonders if baseball’s labor deal did anything.

Ron Artest is nuts. Just, plain, nuts.

The Jets want Curtis Conway. Let me say it, “Hah-hah!” He loves the cold weather. Just loves it.

The Cubs wouldn’t mind an opening day without Mike Piazza.

Spanishyes.com on the ESPN/CBS deal. Booo!

CBS is reporting (contrary to my gag column from Monday) that Saddam Hussein may be dead.

America’s finest news source looks at the Gulf War sequel. It’s expected to do boffo business at the box office!