A great man once said, “It’s easy to smile when your ship has come in and you’ve got the stock market beat. But the test of the man, is the one who can smile, when his shorts are too tight in the seat.”
I think we can all agree with Judge Smails there. Maybe the Red Sox will suck it up and make a series out of it after losing the games that their supposed Yankees killer, Curt Schilling, and Pedro Martinez started in New York. They’ll have a chance because the Yankees will be using broken down Kevin Brown in game three, and hope to prop El Duque’s corpse up for game four. But it sure feels over. Doesn’t it? Oh, and the Red Sox will counter with Vanilla Ice in game three and Tim Wakefield in game four. And Schilling’s probably done.
Hey, don’t worry Boston, this was supposed to be our year too. Things just don’t seem to really work that way.
Last night was perfect for TV watching. “Lost” was on at seven on ABC, then the presidental debate at eight p.m. on just about every channel, and both LCS games were on at the same time. Now, I hate to agree with a senile old man, but couldn’t Fox have at least tried to stagger the starts of the LCS games? Even if they had started the game in the Big Urinal Cake at 8 p.m. it would have been preferable to both games being on at the same time.
As it was, I largely ignored the NLCS, and this from a guy who hates American League baseball. But pardon me if I find it hard to get juiced up over a Woody Williams-Brandon Backe matchup. What clinched it was the return of Bob Brenly to an already hellaciously bad broadcast booth of tHom Brennaman and Steve Lyons, and the presence of Thundersticks at the game. Only in Dogpatch…
Brandon Backe? Really? Everytime I hear his name said out loud (the last name is pronounced Back-ee) I think of a guy I played football with in high school who had zits all over his shoulders and back. We called him bac-nee, short for back acne. Yes, we were all very positive, supportive people.
Had we had a message board back in the day, I’m sure our own resident Alex Kaseberg would have posted to it and implored us to stop such classless jokes. I’m sure the words “a new low” would be written in crayon all over his computer.
The ALCS was no walk in the park, either. When Al Leiter is the best guy in the booth, you are in serious need of a new booth. Would it kill Joe Buck to bring Leon with him?
And what is with the crowd noise volume on Fox? From the sixth inning on Buck, Al and Tim McCarver were literally yelling to be heard over the noise in their own headphones. Yeah, that’s not annoying. God knows, the broadcast would be better if the crowd noise completely drowned them out, but it doesn’t, so it’s just a lot of “I’m yelling and I don’t know why!”
Mariotti put down the doughnut today to go on about the Cubs ditched Jon Lieber because they had so many good arms that they didn’t want to deal with his surgery and rehab. Now, as Chip Caray used to say about “Tommy John Disease” (sic), it takes a year before you are back and two years before you are yourself again. The Cubs offered Lieber a guaranteed salary for last year (his rehab year) and a mutual option for this year. He turned it down to go hang with his pal Joe Girardi in New York. I can’t blame him. He left the Bruce Kimm Cubs, but don’t act like the Cubs just threw a sling on his arm and kicked him out the door. It’s just not true.
Lieber made the Red Sox look sick. Honestly, for a while you just felt like the 1-0 lead was going to hold up. It might have, since there’s no way Joe Torre would have let Flash Gordon come in to throw gas all over a one run game. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Tom Gordon’s career playoff ERA is still over EIGHT. Ouch. If you want me to put that into some context for you, it’s higher than Calvin Schiraldi’s!
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I want to pat myself on the back for figuring out two weeks ago that Locke’s “miracle” on Lost was that the plane crash had given him the use of his legs again. Originally I wondered if he’d been blind, but two weeks ago they had a scene where two people were using the wheelchair to move some stuff and it dawned on me. I thought last night’s show was the weakest so far, basically because even if you didn’t know what the deal with Locke was, they gave it away in the first five minutes, then saved the big “reveal” for the very end.
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The Cubs fired head trainer Dave Groeschner and assistant trainer Sandy Krum and while guys like The Wizard of Roz say that they’re just scapegoats, that’s not entirely true. Did they cause the injuries that crippled the Cubs early in the year? No. But did they completely botch The Franchise’s rehab plan for his Achilles’? Yes. Did they continually give unrealistic timetables for the return of the players only to make Jim Hendry look like a boob time after time? Yes. If you make your boss look bad, you get fired. Scapegoat or no, it was predictable.
Then, in the same column Rozner points out that it’s a good sign that Hendry was able to fire Dusty patsies like Wendell Kim and Groeschner. So which is it?
Don’t even get me started on Sanjay H. I’ll just say that signing a 40 year old shortstop who can’t pass a physical seems like a great idea to me. I’ll go see if I still have Jeff Blauser’s number somewhere.
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Ed Sherman says the Cubs aren’t going to ditch Steve Stone. They also won’t hire his new booth partner until after the World Series. Gosh, I hope that means it’s going to be Bob Brenly!
The Illini have national championship aspirations. I don’t mean to rain on their parade, because I like the Illini and I hope they really are this good, but if Dave Kaplan picks you (and he did), you’re screwed. NIT here they come!
Frank Williams just wants a chance to make the Bulls. Right after his nap, of course.
Oh, and save the Illini Fan Boy posts…I don’t think the Illini are going to the NIT. They’ll win the Big Ten. Bruce Weber will be coach of the year, and we’ll all have sandwiches to cuddle with during those cold winter nights.
Jonathan Quinn can pray all he wants, it won’t make him not suck.
Hey, Phil Rogers was at The Cake last night. I’ll bet he’s sitting on a Thunderstick right now.
Projected score for tonight’s game: Satan’s Minions 27, Astros 19. If I was Phil Garner I’d…well, first I’d shave that absurd mustache off…then I’d have Lidge ready for a “nine inning save.”
Sports Guy with yesterday’s “game one diary” in which he uses the “championship of each other” quote for the 12,347th time this year. We get it.
Scott Boras is Magglio Ordonez’s new agent. This means that Maggs will now get a lot of money to sit and watch his leg atrophy on somebody else’s bench.
I’m confused about this article, it says “Bulls International Theme at Three” and talks about small forwards Andres Nocioni (Argentina), Luol Deng (Sudan) and Eddie Robinson (Flint, Michigan). Huh?
Since Eddie’s out with a sore big toe, do the other players call him “Sgt. Hulka?” They should.
Warning this deposition about the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment suit is extremely hilarious! This is great stuff. He’s smoooooth. So he’d like to fondle a woman with a loofa, huh? That’s…uh…nice? Creepy.
America’s finest news source with…well, the headline will tell the story.
Watching Tom Gordon self-immolate in the post-season just illustrates what a waste of effort it is to overpay for, and get excited about, any reliever other than your stopper. People were wetting themselves all season about how great Flash has been, blah blah. Gimme a break. Now he sucks. Big surprise.
Closer on the other hand. Let’s see: Smoltz, Gagne, Isringhausen, Lidge. Foulke, Rivera, Nathan and Percival. Suuuuure, the Cubs are a good team too! Yikes.
Hoffman, Wagner, Benitez, Dotel, Cordero. Can we maybe get one of these guys then? And not deadbeats like Mesa, Kolb or Graves for god’s sake. Help! We used to be the team with great closers, what happened here? Sutter, Smith, Williams, Myers, Beck, Gordon (yes, he was once good).
Sigh.
Isn’t it worth at least checking what I said before mangling my quote?
"It’s easy to grin
When your ship has come in
And you think you have the stock market beat.
But a man who’s worthwhile
Is a man who can smile
When his pants fit too tight in the seat."
Andy,
Can we hire Andrea Mackris to work at Desipio as my executive producer? I’d love to loofa her.
It’s a complaint, moran, not a deposition.
Elihu, could you come and loofa my stretch marks?
Don’t forget…
Bill Caudill, Jay Howell, and the late Donnie Moore.
I will be the closer for the Cubs in 2006! Sign Percival for one-year 7 million and get me the next two years for about 300k per year.
To carry on the Ted Knight theme, wasn’t Pete Munro the name of Jm J. Bullock’s character on "Too Close for Comfort?"
"Munro!"
Chicagosports.com has a poll on the sidebar asking whether you’re happy Wavin’ Wendell is gone or whether he should still be here and that he’s a good coach. 972 morans out there really feel that the Cubs would be better sending tying and winning runs to their deaths at home. By about 10 feet. In the midst of a Wild Card chase.
I wish *I* was a loofa.
I see the Mets fired Don Baylor as their hitting coach. Maybe he can go hand out with Oddibe.
Did you see my joke at the end of Rozner’s column! I’m so funny!
I’ve got a million Kobe Bryant jokes.
Here are some:
What do Kobe Bryant and his dog have in common? They both sleep in the doghouse!
How many Kobe Bryant’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two! One to hold the lightbulb and one to bend the lamp over a chair!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Kobe.
Kobe who?
Kobe glad he ain’t going to prison!
What do Phil Jackson and the fat blonde girl from Colorado have in common? Kobe screwed them and now they both need jobs!
"Hang." Damnit, I ruined my own lame joke.
Then again, I am a lame joke myself. I can be Carlos Beltran. I can, I can! I just need to hold this black feather in my trunk, get Tinkerbell to spread some pixie dust on me, and learn the fucken’ strike zone.
Andy,
I thought I was the king of cautious optimism when it came to Illini basketball. I may be young, but I’ve been burnt once too often to ignore that there are still some big problems with this team.
And that’s before I even get started on Weber’s horrendous recruiting efforts so far here at Illinois.
Good "Too Close For Comfort" reference, CP. The only thing too close for comfort was Ted Knight’s booty to Jm J’s package. One of the earliest flamers I can rember on TV. Lydia Cornell had a great body, though.
Good episode of "Lost" last night. I’m hooked. The Canadian chick Kate is yummy. It’s one of the few network shows that requires you to think while watching.
Lieber looked great last night. Nice to see any pitcher not get the tight-ass the minute somebody gets on base. I think that’s a major problem in these playoffs: The pitchers start slowing down their rhythm and tensing up at the slightest hint of trouble. Then the managers pucker up and panic.
Thanks for the kind words, Dave B.
One of the highlights of "I Love the 80’s" was hearing Rob Zombie do an impression of Ted Knight yelling at Jm. J. Bullock.
BC, I know we’ve covered the recruiting stuff before, but enjoy the upcoming season and if Weber’s recruiting doesn’t improve after another successful season, then let your complaints fly.
Andy, since Weber’s made the step up from Carbondale to Chambana, the sandwiches have been replaced by pizza and cookouts.
Someone say my name?
Hey, Pete you want some of my crisco, vasoline, bar-do, or vagisil. I wouldn’t let that rum settin’ around with this crew.
Are you sayin that Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?
Hey JoBu! Bartender needs a refill!
Oh sure, now you come around.
I am a vastly underrated character in Major League.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/basketball/nba/10/12/jackson/index.html
Check out how SI goes between censoring the curse words and then just writing them out. Kind of like here.
And yes, I got lazy and shortened Judge Smails’ boat christening speech. As always, I’m a dope.
Did Bagwell not throw me out at home because I was already going to score or becuase a baseball is roughly the equivalent of a medicine ball in his hands? Its a good thing we aren’t using whiffleballs.
#20 – Hell, Eddie, you ALL were underrated.
Yes, even YOU, Dorn.
It’s been raining in St. Louis since 5 this morning. A rainout would be bad for the Satanic Fowl, because it would allow Clemens (with four days of rest) to start Game 2 tomorrow, then Oswalt (also with four days rest) could start Game 3 on Saturday in Houston.
Have I mentioned lately that I think the Bush Twins are hot?
Is that Pete Sampras on the far right?
Nope, it’s the winner of the Presidential Election in 2016.
I am George Prescott Bush’s father
Hey Andy Mind if I come by?
Shaved, or bacon strip?
I don’t know, Milkman, but George P. looks a lot like me, his old man.
Yes, he’s a little dark-skinned, but I married a Colombian woman.
Dipshit.
Jenna, Jenna, oh yeah baby, oh yeah…..oops.
Where’s that pic of the cute 3-year old kid in full Birdinal regalia giving everyone the finger??
(singing) Money, money, money, muh-ney. MONEY!!
It looks like Steve Stone is returning. Do you wish Chip Caray would be back with him?
58.3%
Yes, they made a good team (4839 responses)
37.0%
I’m happy Chip isn’t returning (3073 responses)
4.7%
It’s too bad Stone isn’t leaving (389 responses)
8301 total responses
Guess not everybody hated Chip after all.
Honesty compels me to say that casual Cubs fans don’t find Chip annoying. Chip and Steve repeated a lot of things that annoyed those of us who watched everyday. Those with sanity enough not to follow this team tuned in occassionally and he was okay in small doses.
Just how bad of a manager is Jimy Williams that I’m actually seen as an upgrade?
Hey Andy, where’s the actual link for the bonus link in the last DI?
We’re dumbasses, and a good number of us wanted to keep Wendell, too. We read columns by the stupid sports writers, and agree with what those morans say. So of course we liked a massive tool like Chip.
Scratch me off your 2005 Cubbie wishlist. Philly pick up my 9 million dollar option.
Relax, Wags. That’s just so they can get trade value for you.
Ditto for me and the so-called "love not" to the Cubs in the Tribune today. That’s so as many teams as possible are in the bidding war.
I wonder if Beltran actually said that or was reading off a sheet of paper with "Scott Boras Ltd." letterhead?
And what were the circumstances that led to the question being asked?
"Now that you are down 2-0 to the Cardinals and will be eliminated by Sunday, have you considered the Cubs as part of your plans for 2005?"
I wonder if Ozzie Guillen will be doing interviews about how he thinks the Cubs have a good shot at Beltran, like he did about me last year.
In my NFL picks column today I nominated Survivor’s Ami Cusack for the "pantheon" of reality TV babes.
This certainly would back that up:
http://www.thenewsvault.com/cgi-bin/news.pl?t=87
Until you get to the part about here being a lesbian.
But even at that, she’s a hot, naked lesbian. Our favorite kind.
Right now, every major league team is interested in my client, but we are also considering an offer from the Japanese League, in which all their teams have banned together and offered Carlos Beltran a contract in the amount of 2.5 billion dollars. Your move, Mr. Steinbrenner.
A little more on the Illini from CNNSI.com’s Seth Davis:
First, here is the link: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/writers/seth_davis/10/15/davis.1015/index.html
Illinois: Who will be Mr. Post-man?
Yes, James Augustine is one of the most skilled big men in the country, but he’s always been more comfortable working the high post than the low block. That’s not much of a concern when the Illini’s guards are hitting outside shots, but considering Dee Brown and Deron Williams combined to shoot 41 percent from the field last season, Illinois would be better-served with Augustine in the post more often. The bigger problem is who works underneath alongside him or in place of him when he goes to the bench. Beyond Nick Smith, a 7-2 center who doesn’t exactly thirst for contact, Illinois will need 6-7 sophomore Brian Randle to provide a strong presence.
—–
Other than Davis forgetting about Roger Powell’s existence, his comments are pretty much right on the mark.
For Andy, here’s a tidbit from Davis on Notre Dame:
Notre Dame: Will the Irish finally get lucky with injuries?
This was the best team not to make the NCAA tournament last year, and Notre Dame missed out largely because 6-11 forward Torin Francis was lost in January with a herniated disc in his back. Meanwhile, Chris Thomas, an All-America candidate at point guard, couldn’t practice for most of the last month because of chronic pain in his left knee. Francis had surgery in February, Thomas had arthroscopic surgery in the off-season, and now 6-8 sophomore Omari Isreal is back after missing all of last season with an injury. Add Arizona transfer Dennis Latimore, a 6-9 power forward, to the mix, and you can see why Irish eyes are smiling — as long as the training table stays unoccupied.
There’s also stuff on Illinois Big Ten rivals Michigan State and Wisconsin, but you can click on a link and read, can’t you?
I thought we were 5 outs better than last year? If so, how much better are the Yankees?
We are 6 outs better!
Me want Carlos Beltran.
Not so fast!
I am CRAZY!
I am really making a case for lots of big money contracts in the off-season, huh?
It took us 12 innings but we finally cowboy’ed up for a game!
You sure are Edgar, I can’t believe the Genius actually pulled you to put me in the game!
Where the hell am I?
#55, I just ran out of doubleswitches to make on my 14th pitching change of the game.
Hey, if you guys need anything, just give me a call.
Did you see my stats from yesterday? 21 for 35 for 246 yards and 2 TD’s. I’m available.
http://www.tsn.ca/cfl/news_story.asp?id=102026
Hey, I’m not doing anything either.
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