Still, they obsess over the Cubs? Maybe that’s why the Satanic Fowl are having such problems in the NLCS. It’s hard to beat the Astros when all you can think about are the Cubs. It’s an interesting thing. But even as they try and win the pennant with both hands wrapped firmly around their own throats, the “world’s greatest fans” still can’t get the Cubs out of their minds. 400 pound columnist Bernie Miklasz mentioned the Cubs in his column today. Well, of course he did, it’s not like last night’s game was exciting or anything, how was he supposed to fill all that space talking about Brandon Backe and Carlos Beltran and that hilariously inept Albert Pujols ninth inning at bat against Fighting Irishman Brad Lidge? No, today, clearly, was a time to worry about the Cubs.
When the Cardinals see Carlos Beltran, they don’t see a guy who is single handedly destroying their 105 win season. They see a guy they’re worried will be hanging out in center field in Wrigley next year. When they think about winning a pennant for the first time in 17 years, they think only of how it’ll give them one more playoff win than the Cubs could manage last year.
If you want a laugh, check out the message boards at stltoday.com sometime and notice how many times they bring up the Cubs. Apparently, even though the Cubs missed the playoffs and a chance to ruin the Cardinals season themselves, the playoffs miss the Cubs more.
The Cardinals can blame Crazy Julian’s broken hand and Steve Klein’s ruptured middle finger tendon (how appropriate) for having to go with Jason Isringhausen’s enormous ears for two innings last night, but how does the vaunted Satanic Fowl offense only manage one hit in eight innings off AAA outfielder Brandon Backe last night?
Brandon Backe has become the 2004 version of the Angels’ John Lackey. This isn’t the beginning of some great career. In fact, ESPN Classic is already planning their “Where are they now?” special on Backe for July of 2007. But there he was last night, shutting down the Cardinals. Only Reggie Sanders could figure out a way to hit the ball hard off of him. Sanders hammered one to center that ran Carlos Beltran up that stupid hill, and Beltran actually caught it.
Somewhere, Jim Hendry is auctioning off office furniture to find a way to pay for Beltran. “The Mole” had a huge game last night. He saved a triple with a diving catch against Edgar Renteria, he ran up the hill to save a double. He hammered the ball in his first three at bats with nothing to show for it, then singled in the ninth, stole second (finally, after Jeff Bagwell and Lance Berkman made him try it about six times) and scored the game winning run when Jeff Pornstache did what every hitter has done since the advent of the manager/pitching coach visit to the mound. He looked first-ball fastball and hit it about 400 feet to left field. In the bandbox that the Astros play in that was about 235 feet more than he needed to hit it.
Fox Sports Midwest has maybe the most hilarious postgame show in the world. Their baseball analyst is none other than former Cardinals legend Darnell Coles (hey, he hit .225 for them in 1995). Apparently since they couldn’t hire Harold Reynolds, they hired his pal Darnell, who is even dumber. Coles’ brilliant baseball insights last night included things like, “If the Cardinals win both games in St. Louis they’ll be in good shape,” and the immortal, “Kent hit a good pitch, except it was in a bad spot.”
His on-site sidekick Pat Parris is even more hysterical. He offered this to console Cardinals’ fans, “This is just like the 1987 World Series where the home team won every game except the Cardinals are the Twins and the Astros are the Cardinals.” You sat in the pressbox for four hours and that’s what you came up with? Bravo. Nice job.
——–
Meanwhile, the Red Sox are doing it again. They couldn’t just get swept and leave their fans in a numb disappointment this offseason, could they? Nope. They’ve given their fans hope. In fact, they’ll most likely win game six just so they can blow game seven in another tragic way. The ex-Cubs factor was in their favor last night as three former Cubs pitchers (Tanyon Sturtze, Felix Heredia and Flash Gordon) all pitched for the Yankees. Gordon effectively blew the game, leaving Mariano Rivera a mess even he couldn’t clean up.
Normally, I’d be pulling hard for the Red Sox. It’s far easier to identify with them than the Yankees. Think about it, the Yankees have been around for just over 100 years and when they win tonight or tomorrow it will be their 40th pennant. Huh? Oh, that’s obscene.
And yet, this year I can’t bring myself to pull for Boston. Not after that sick, petty, “Nomar was a cancer” routine they all pulled after the trade. Sell that crap someplace else.
In the end, it was left to Stevie Loaiza to try and hold the Red Sox. He did a pretty admirable job and then ran out of blind luck and stuff in his fourth inning of work. Papi Ortiz worked a ten pitch at bat and singled to win it for Boston.
———
What’s the funniest part of the news that ESPN Radio 1000 beat the Score in the summer ratings? That the great Mike North got beaten in his afternoon time slot by the worst show on radio, or this excuse from Score station manager Drew Hayes that WMVP had an advantage because of their Sox broadcasts? Oh yeah, nothing says ratings like the White Sox! Hey, how about the big ratings the Fire pulls in, too!
Lovie is hoping that Craig Krenzel can be a viable alternative to Jonathan Quinn as early as this week. I’ve got news for Lovie, Sid Luckman’s corpse is a viable alternative to Quinn.
Are you like me, are you on pins and needles worried who will win the epic Chris Duhon-Mike Wilks training camp duel?
The Bulls are trying to buy out Eddie Robinson’s contract. What will they do without their Big Toe?
Seabiscuit’s Jockey on Houston’s big win.
Phil Rogers loves Brandon Backe.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that Jerry Angelo needs to “think big” and go after…Drew Brees…next year…oh, that’s huge! What, isn’t Dave Ragone still available? Maybe Brooks Bollinger needs a job?
Somebody named Howard Ulman says the Red Sox have “solved” Mariano Rivera. They sure have. If you can make him come in the eighth inning with nobody out and runners on first and third and score the tying run while he gets all three hitters he faces out, you OWN him!
Really, who saw this coming?
Somebody get some penicillin! Jennie Finch is answering “10 burning questions.” The 1,231st prettiest girl in Arizona and only non-lesbian softball player is getting hitched to pie faced Diamondbacks salad tosser, Casey Daigle.
The Yankees don’t think they can sign both Adrian Beltre and Carlos Beltran this offseason. Just where the hell are they going to play Adrian Beltre? Between A-Rod and Jeter at “rover?”
Mike Hunt (snicker, snicker) says that if Michael Redd leaves the Bucks after this season, they can bring back Ray Allen. Or Paul Pressey.
Jerry Rice has been traded to Seattle. Because they were think at old, legendary wide receiver and Congressman Largent won’t come out of retirement.
If you thought that it was bad for the Democrats in Milwaukee to give homeless people cartons of cigarettes in exchange for voting for Al Gore in 2000, look at what you can get in Ohio!
Not to pick on the Democrats, but check out this very funny video of John Edwards obsessively trying to get his hair perfect.
Another video must see is Jon Stewart’s appearance on Crossfire on Friday.
Now I’d actually watch cooking shows if there were more fights on them.
America’s finest news source with some handy apartment hunting tips.
Honesty compels me to say that the best part of the Scufflin’ Sawx’s win over the Yammerin’ Yanks last night is that we’ll have a day game tomorrow for Game Six between the Ramblin’ Redbirds and the Battlin’ Killer Bees, led by the Beege. That of course means a Desipio Game Cast, and I surely will be checking in to boost page views. You know, I was a big reason for the big ratings on Cub broadcasts this year.
Did you people see me rub my pornstache during my interview with Lewin. I just love the way it feels. Well Isy and I have to wash my truck now see you tommorrow.
I sure do hope that the Astros win, their such nice guys.
I will accept tickets to Game 6 at Yankee Stadium if Terry Franconca chooses to leave them for me.
I caught somebody doing Cards post game wrap up last night, and they kept referring to Kent’s homer as being onto the "short porch" in left field. Which I guess is accurate since the ball bounced back into that area after slamming off the back wall of the stadium.
Believe me, I know a porch when I see one.
One of the posts on the stltoday.com site said Kent’s homer wouldn’t have gone out of Busch Stadium. Hell, that ball would’ve killed someone had it hit them. I will say that the short porch is a little ridiculous, but I think Pujols is the only one who has lined one in there in this series.
I have a Jeff Kent poster that I pulled out of a program I got when I visited Minute Maid in August. I am seriously considering putting it up on my "ill" co-worker’s office door (he’s home puking up blood after that loss).
Not out of Busch Stadium? That place is a band box since they moved the fences in. And Kent’s homer was a no doubter. Also, it didn’t need to go out, as Beltran would have scored on a single. I love the fact that the Cardinal fans are panicking now. If the Cards lose this series, they’re going to go crazy. Is it wrong to take pleasure in the pain of others? Not if they’re Cardinal fans.
Anyone one else that it was the dumbest thing ever to walk Berkman when you had 2 strikes on him? Why not throw 2 pitches out of the zone, and maybe Fat Lance will chase one of them? I think this is one of the dumbest moves I’ve seen in quite some time.
That is while you are merely a corporal, while I am a GENIUS!
I’m surprised no one has commented on Jeff Pornstache’s goofy and creepy grin as he was rounding third last night.
And he hit the living crap out of that ball last night. That’s a homer anywhere.
I really despise the Astros, they’re a team filled with jerks (Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman new enemies number one), but seriously–as a long time Cub fan, how we can not enjoy watching the morons down at the trailer park squirm? Hands clutched around their throats is right. 105 wins and they end up with no pennant to show for it? O-H M-Y.
And Dolan you’re right, the Cardinals are just like the White Sox, they’d rather obsess over the Cubs than worry about their own selves. How appropriate that they both can share in their misery, going home to the trailer park, beating up the wife, getting drunk, falling asleep in their own urine, dreaming of TLR. Good times.
Hey, I wath interviewing Jeff Kent lasth night after the big homer, I will thoon be the new Cubth broadcasther, yeth!!!
First, as already stated a couple times, that ball would have been a homerun in any park in the majors right now. Maybe it would have stayed in play in the old Yankee Stadium or Forbes Field, but that’s because those fields were freaking huge.
Second, while the Cardinals are still in a bad spot, why do they have the fear and loathing campaign going at full speed now? They have two games, at home, against Clemens and Oswalt, but both of those guys will be going on 3 days of rest. Plus, Brad Lidge has been used so much his arm is liable to end up in the Big Muddy by the time the series is over. If they can stop Carlos Beltran a couple times, they should still be considered the NLCS favorites. That still won’t stop me from laughing hysterically when they lose tomorrow afternoon 5-3 however.
Look ma, I made the Special Olympics!
Hey Mr. Hendry, the Marlins released me today…need another washed up reliever in your bullpen?
I’m tan, I’m rested, I’m ready. I’m just sayin’.
*ahem*
15 yards for unsportmanlike conduct – removing his helmet…
1) Kudos to #15..that’s just friggin’ hilarious. For a moment I thought I was the only one who thought Kent’s goofy smile as just plain creepy.
2) As much as I’m rooting for Houston, I still root for something bad to happen to Fat Lance. Like his Game #1 misplay that allowed the 97-year old Larry Walker to make third. Good times. I think I despise that bum more than anybody else in the bigs. Besides Morris, that is.
3) Speak of the devil, how satisfying was it last night to see Mouthbreathin’ Matt standing and staring in the dugout after pornstache’s walk-off dong? Can’t put a price on that.
4) I think it would be hilarious for Boston to be the first team in MLB history to win four in a row after having been down 0-3, and have their fans talking about how it took something monumental like an unprecedented playoff collpase by the Yanks to lift the curse…only to get swept in the Series. I just think it’d be funny, but I’m also pretty jaded and cruel.
5) I just heard The Lawnmower in what I’m pretty sure is his first endorsement deal. He’s plugging for Woodfield Chevy on the radio. Good for him. Now if he only he can take the Escalade that he drives and run down Sam Me, and then put the car in reverse and run over him again, then the offseason will automatically be a success.
I continued to play a stellar LF. I have a wife and kids to think about. Well I not sure how many kids, but there are a bunch of them according to my child support check writer.
Mike D, I’m right there with you. I if Boston loses the series to Houston, that means that the Yanks, Red Sox and Cards all feel terrible pain. I like that thought. The Astros are the least offensive to me, because:
1. They have no major media outlet. I won’t have to watch any TV movies about the 2004 Astros.
2. I don’t know any obnoxious Astros fans. I don’t know any Astros fans at all.
3. Even if they win, they are the team least likely to remain in tact. They can’t afford to sign Beltran, Berkman’s due a big raise, Bagwell’s carrying a huge contract, and Kent, Biggio and possibly Clemens (who would still have to be resigned) will be gone.
Sports Guy’s ALCS journal is up.
In it he says that Dave Roberts stealing second late in (regulation of) game four was the biggest stolen base in the history of the Red Sox.
I also think it might be the only stolen base in the history of the Red Sox.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/041019
Has Garner announced his starter for game 6 yet? I heard an ugly rumor on the radio that he was seriously considering Pete Munro.
There have been reports all day that Garner is going with Munro in Game 6.
I’ve heard Berkman in some interviews and he seems OK. I think the faking the hit-by-pitch was kind of chicken-shit, but overall he seems to be pretty decent. They aren’t my favorite team by any means, but as I’ve said before, I’d root for al Qaeda against the St. Louis Cardinals.
I miss the Beege! *sobs* Will Fox let me broadcast the rest of the Astros/Satanic Fowl series please?!
Does anybody know if the 3 p.m. start time for Wednesday’s game six Cards-Astros is set, or if it depends on there being a Yankees-Red Sox game at 7?
A GameCast Andy?
Sure, you know at least one obnoxious Astros fan. Milo.
Who says tonight’s yankees-red sox game will even be over by 3pm tomorrow?
We’ve got all kinds of hilarious "game seven is coming up later on today" jokes ready! We’re witty!
We need to know right now what time the game is. We’ve got to know what time to start stacking the hay bales outside the park and what time to start spraying the urine all over the park. Did we say "urine?" We’re just kidding.
Yeah, there will be a GameCast if the game is really at 3.
Did anybody else notice last night that Fox played SEVEN commercials in between the end of the ALCS game and picking up the eighth inning of the NLCS, and then when they did switch to FX they waited until the inning started before having Jeanne Zelasko’s enormous hairdo tell us we had to change over to regular Fox immediately? Nice network.
Positions open for GameCast:
Garner basher
LaRussa basher
Lidge dweller
Julian’s brain
Urinal Cake security
Toothless Red Fowl Fan
Puhol’s steroid provider
Someone for Chuck to hate
How dare you question the integrity of my network! Watch HOUSE dammit!
YOU’RE RISKING A PATIENT’S LIFE!!!
YOU’RE RISKING A PATIENT’S LIFE!!!
Maybe there’s a guy in Chesterfield, Mo. who hates me.
I’ll bee tooned en to reed ahbowt my Kardnels’ Gaym 6 win!
How the hell can you bash Phil Garner?!? The guy has huge balls! His team went down 2-0 and he took them all in the locker room and said if you don’t sac it up, I’m gonna kick every one of your asses! If Dusty had done that, we’d have made the playoffs. If Hendry had fired Dusty and gotten Garner mid season, we’d have won too. Plus he’s a tactical fucking genius.
I agree with Garner Basher Basher. I matched wits with Phil Garner and even though I often outmanaged him, I have to say he was a force to be reckoned with when he was not preoccupied with kicking Hawk Harrelson’s ass.
The Astros are going with Munro tomorrow.
NLCS Game 6 will be in the afternoon IF the Red Sox win Game 6 or there isn’t a game (It was raining earlier today in New York).
If New York wins, then NLCS Game 6 moves to the night.
Man, are we tight right now
Attaboy A-Rod!
Greatest.
Choke.
Ever.
Shouldn’t we wait until the end of tomorrow’s games to say that #45?
However, it might be the third best possible baseball day ever for me if the Cards and Yankees find a way to lose tomorrow.
Second best would be the day the Cubs win a pennant.
First best would be the day the Cubs win a World Series.
Um, mayday, mayday….
This is something Albie and Lassie do before the game.
Hey Andy,
God was with the Red Sox, so you could have a Cards/Stros GameCast.
OK, that was a pathetic display last night. Lieber is a pussy, he quit on the Cubs in 2002, that’s why they got rid of him, and now he’s falling apart as it starts to matter. A-Rod should have run down to first faster, then Arroyo’s tag wouldn’t have had to be swatted away. What a pussy! These fans are assclowns. Why didn’t someone shoot Randy Marsh, even if he made a call after conferencing with other umps who actually saw the play and referred to this thing called a "rule book."
Olerud and Giambi are pussies. What, a severely strained foot and a benign tumor are going to hold these guys out of these games? No SACK!
Torre needs to be fired. I’m sick of this. F-U 2004 YANKEES!
Did anyone else notice how closely umpire Joe West resembles Otis the town drunk on the old Andy Griffith show?
We really need Giambi, cause I sucKKK.
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